Thursday, December 29, 2011

so, its been a really long time

I've thought about blogging several times in the past few weeks. I just haven't..clearly. Well, today we went to the Air Force base so Joe got get a pass to get on base for his job! Thats right, he's got a second job! Crazy fella. Its a delivery job for the donut cafe here in town. We planned to go to Illinois last weekend but we had..issues yet again. Our car needed 1400 worth of repair. The guy at the shop said it wasn't worth fixing really. We decided to trash it..well, sell it then they trashed it I think and get a new one. It was a blessing that happened at just the right time I thought. Joe talked to someone one night who had been trying to sell his car. It's a 2001 ford explorer...very nice car! I like it a lot better than our other one. It's much easier with a one year old as well. We plan to go home very soon to celebrate Christmas. Claire has started waving her hand 'hi' and 'bye' the past few weeks..she's too adorable!

Instead of looking at this world, I'm tryin to look to Jesus for hope. I have been wavering in my faith for the past 7 or 8 months I'd say..I really struggle with "could all this be true?" "did God do all that stuff the Bible says? Am I just wishfully thinking..man, I don't want to be fooled like all the other people who believe are being fooled..

I know satan tries all he can to get people to turn towards him and not the author and finisher of our faith. I've really been struggling and if you have any help you could offer whatsoever, please let me know

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Claire, anxiety and more!

first, lets start with Claire! She's doing wonderfully! She's a very happy baby 85% of the time. We are just starting being adament about crib training...I know..I know..I coddled her too much. It all goes back to Ella. I know I can't make sense of it to anyone who hasn't lost a child. On another hand, not only did it come down to her being next to me as sort of a pacifier to me..but it was easier not to have to get up several times a night. Now, that I'm trying to keep her in her crib I'm up AT LEAST five times a night.

Anxiety, its getting better..I'm trying to change the way I think. I am attempting to have a more positive in attitude. Actually doing it is very hard.

I know I have ben very wishy washy about my relationship with God. I realize now that I am relying too much on on feelings...I don't FEEL Him here with me sometimes..it doesn't mean He's not though. I have been feeling..that word again right? That I want to be close to God, I just am afraid to be taken for a fool with something thats not real..but then again..how could He not be real?!?! I think general revelation (trees, etc) are an example of God's power. anyone ever FEEL like this?

Friday, November 25, 2011

there is hope...

and I am trying to hold onto that fact. I have been missing Ella. It doesn't help that it's getting colder outside and thats typically the time that most people are prone to depression. I'm not depressed..I know I have a lot of good things going for me. I am married to a good guy, I have 2 girls (one of which went from my belly into heaven. I already have one foot in heaven) we have been blessed enough to have our other girl turn one year old recently. I am so happy that we had such a great support system during my pregnancy. I was just reading another BLM's (baby loss mom) blog. In it, she was talking about how she had to make a choice. She had to choose whether or not to love the baby she currently carries within her womb. I COULD TOTALLY RELATE!!! We lost Ella late in the 'game' so when Claire was coming along I sort of found myself at a loss. I didn't know if I should just try my hardest not to get attached or should I love her with all that I have in me? It took me a few times of going back and forth to decide that even though we lost one baby, I shouldn't make the new baby 'pay' for my broken heart. I'm so glad I did love Claire like I did while she was in my belly. Even late into the pregnancy I was saying 'if we take her home' I knew very well what could happen.When Ella died, I had this..complex I guess you'd call it about if Ella knew I loved her. I still sometimes wonder. I did want my baby girl. I did! It tears me up when I think of women (or teen girls) killing their children or literally throwing them in the trash or flushing them down the toilet like they are waste.
During my pregnancy with Ella, I really do think something was preparing me for what was going to come. Call it mother's intuition or the Holy Spirit (or maybe both) but I literally would say 'take her if you want God, she's yours not mine. I don't care. do what you have to.' I look back on that now and think "how ignorant was I of the pain I would later be in?" I feel guilty and responsible for my child's death...

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

YAY! YOUR ONE!

Claire the bear turned one today! It was a blessed day. We got up, went to Bible study, had a playdate, came home for a couple hours and went to paint.  She got a couple gifts from a couple ladies that attend the Bible study with me! One woman made cupcakes in honor of Claire's birthday. Nadine, Claire and I went to the pottery place here in town and painted on a plate. Claire's little footprint is on it. It's going to be cute, er, at least I hope. I'm not very artistic so I hope it turns out alright.There's so much pressure to make everything okay for her, even if it is just a plate..I know that sounds super dumb.

We went to Illinois this past weekend to have an early birthday party for Claire with my family. She adored all the attention she was given. She got lots of gifts. She was adorable with her little petite cake she got. She started clapping and got the cake all over the floor and herself and her daddy.

Since I clearly knew Claire's birthday was soon, I've been thinking about the fact that we should have been able to celebrate Ella's first birthday with her. Sometimes, I feel like your sitting there reading this (those of you who do) thinking 'just leave well enough alone! the past is the past!' but I assure you, I cannot. Even though I do have her little sister to feel the empty 'baby hole', I still ache for my firstborn. I still think about the fact that our family will never be complete, we are a family of 3 instead of 4.

I had someone send me a message of facebook telling me its time to change my profile picture to Claire. Right now, its a picture of Ella. Now, this person might not have meant it the way I took it but I took it as 'we're tired of looking at your dead baby' It hurts! I hope I'm reading too much into it.I just want to be validated that she did matter..she does matter.. I will never get over her..

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

cars..who needs em...

All they are is trouble! Yesterday we put our car in the shop..again..well, I don't mean it to sound like the car is always there but over the past..9 months I'd say we have spent around the department of $2,000 getting it fixes and the sad part is..once it is 'fixed' it won't truly be fixed..there are other things wrong that need fixed. We had made plans to celebrate Claire's birthday with my family. Her real birthday isn't until next Wednesday but I we were going to have a small get together with some of my family. Clearly, her birthday means more to me than it does to Claire. It's really an honor to be able to celebrate her first year of living! (outside my womb obviously)  I'm not trying to discount her pregnancy as her not living. nevermind. The fact that we didn't get to celebrate Ella's birthday with her here with us makes it extra disheartening about this car situation..

anyone giving away any cars that would suit a family of 3?

Saturday, October 29, 2011

I don't know where to start...

I've thought about writing a post several times, problem is that I don't know where to begin. First thought, my baby turns one very soon!!! Its crazy to me that she's grown this fast! However, I think that any mother would say that. We will be spending a couple days in Illinois with my side of the family for her birthday. I'm excited to be home again..thankfully, I will have Joe with me this time :)

Second thought, the book I've been reading "What Women Fear" is stinking awesome and really helping me to feel less alone and making me realize I have fears I wasn't even aware of...now, at first thought, you'd think thats a bad thing but if I know I face a specific fear I can do what I can to correct the problem.  One problem I realize is that I compare myself to others quite a bit! I think 'oh, she's a better mom than me. she never seems lonely. isolated and manages 436243 kids at once' I just have one kid and struggle. I feel guilty for feeling isolated, lonely and unfulfilled because I DID lose a child and after she was gone, I ignorantly thought 'man, if I could just have another kid I could stop feeling lonely, isolated and unfulfilled'..funny how life does that to a person. I've had this fear of death happening soon (to me) and that I'm sort of wasting my life waiting to die...I know, sounds dramatic eh? But recently, I've realized that I'm in the place God has placed me for now...he's allowed me to be a stay at home mom right now and I shouldn't be wondering about something 'better' I could be doing. After all, whats better than being a mommy and showing her Christ's love every day?

Thirdly, I think the anxiety I've dealt with for the past 6 months is finally getting better!

Lastly, I need some time with my husband! he's either at work or school it seems.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

i'm giving it over..er, trying

wednesday mornings have really been helping me!  I am ever so thankful for the ladies in my group.This morning was really awesome. We talked about God's grace. I needed to hear the video segment that was shown. one of the things she (Sheila Walsh) said during the video was that when God answers 'no' to our prayers, its done in love. I think I had always known that but I didn't really grasp it, especially till I became a parent. Claire may think its fun to walk into the street & play chicken with the cars. It doesn't mean its for her benefit to do so however. This morning when I was up with Claire (at like 5 am) Joyce Meyer was one. Now, let me be clear that I do not believe the health & wealth gospel but some of the things she has to say I really like  they can be hard to swallow but I appreciate her words nonetheless.She was talking about our worries...it basically boiled down to the fact that we need to know the Word in order to fight off the bad thoughts.I need to make this an ongoing habit. Abyone have any good advice on how to do so or anything good to remember?

Saturday, October 15, 2011

hello

did everyone give up on reading my blogs?!?

Thursday, October 13, 2011

over coffee yesterday...

I realized something! It was an epiphany of sorts..I was talking to a lady who is in my Wednesday morning Bible study. We met at one of the local coffee shops to basically discuss grieving..she too has lost a daughter and her husband..little did I know yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of his death..wow! what an honor to share that day with her...

anyway...
so, I was telling her a little bit more about myself. I spent the majority of my teenage years in a home where my mother was an alcoholic. I  remember wondering night after sleepless night why doesn't she just stop the behavior? It's costing her, her family and her health! is it really that hard?

After my baby died, I did not get into alcohol addiction but I could understand how someone would. You basically just want to forget...and will do anything in order to make that happen..well, at least that's my 2 cents on why I think a person would.

so back to my point..sorta
I was telling my friend how I can understand (sort of) why it would be so hard to break that addiction even if its costing a person their family. See, when I was pregnant with Ella they did the normal gestational diabetes screening and I did in fact have it..I had it after she was born as well and still do. I was telling my friend...that I'm the one who chooses to eat the chocolate or chooses not to do any physical activity (more than taking care of my almost 1 year old)

When Claire was in the womb, I had one friend put it so well 'that little baby is going to have to become more important than food'

I guess that's kind of two points in one..sort of

anyway, How do I change it?!?!? How do I become the healthy person I want to become? For so long I've been thinking 'well, its inevitably going to happen (losing a foot or something) or its too late to fix it, so why try? I know that is no way to think...I need help...

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Clairebear and more!

Claire is going to be 11 months old on the 16th! woo wee time has gone by super fast. She is getting teeth now! 3 of them to be exact. Two on top and one on the bottom. She likes to show them off. She's trying to walk now. Little bits at a time. I don't think she trusts herself to go forward yet. She leans forward after a step or two and then she'll end up blopping on her lil butt. She likes doing that. She stands up and falls on her butt and does it repetitively.She likes to "play" this "game" quite a bit.
In Sunday School we are going to start reading 'Not a fan' by Kyle Idleman. I'm pretty darn excited about it! I'm doing a book study online (in)courage.com to be exact. The book is called 'what women fear'. The book on Wednesday morning Bible study is called 'the shelter of God's promises' These new studies really came at a good time in my life. I have been struggling with fear for awhile. Sometimes God's promises don't seem real. Or, if they are, I find myself asking "do they stand true for me?"
Maybe God is punishing me because I'm not searching for him hard enough..or he's testing me in some way...I know the first question is pretty ridiculous to tell myself..the 2nd..maybe so..

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

calling all SAHM's for advice

Okay, my baby is 10 months old. We live in an apartment complex and don't really get out a whole lot.

What are some ways you've managed to entertain yourself and your child without driving anywhere? I feel secluded and I've come to realize that secluding myself can be dangerous. For a couple reasons really...lonliness, letting anxieties get me down, feeling of laziness...I guess thats three...its where the enemy likes to work on me especially (when I am couped up all alone)

Sunday, October 2, 2011

something to look forward to...

that is what I spend a lot of time thinking about. It's very hard most of the time for me to just stay at home and be a wife and momma. I feel like I ought to be doing something..something for people. Now, I feel bad because as a teen girl all I wanted was a family. Now I have one. I have 2 kids and a husband. Given, one of my girls isn't here with us I know I ought to honor her memory and she is still part of the Morris clan. I miss Ella. I find myself wondering about her a lot. When I do think of her it makes me even more grateful her little sister is here. I like to smell her skin (as weird as that may be), and run my hands along her feet and hands. I study each part of her as to not forget her. After Ella was born, I think thats one of the parts I regret not doing. Taking the time to actually study her. Maybe I could see her face and feel her one more time. We do have pictures of her but thats nothing like actually seeing her. I can vaguely remember what it was like to hold her in my arms...her stiff body was so cold. I would give my left arm for her to be here with us, alive and well. But I know as well as anyone, there isn't any bargaining that can be done..I've tried..over and over I've tried. I've thought about the past and what I would do differently in some vain attempt to get the past back and have her here with us..

That wasn't the direction where I intended for this blog to go...oh well right?!

I find myself feeling guilty for being this way...I feel like I could be doing something with more meaning than staying home and taking care of my baby..Not that I neccesarily think I need a job to be productive..I want to help people. I want to be there when it feels like nobody else is. I wouldn't want to make my baby feel like she's not as worth it to me as someone else though...I like how I work out how I've been feeling when I write things out, has that ever happened to you?

I want to be a better wife, in my mind that means being super mommy..having Claire on a strict schedule, she's never crabby. bringing in extra cash by staying home and teaching Claire how to spell her name, get her potty trained and able to recite the abc's and her numbers. (Now I know she is only almost 11 months old and those are some unrealistic expectations but do you see what i'm getting at sorta?), always have Joe's meals and laundry done. While I am perfectly kept and dressed when he comes home.(and 50 lbs lighter without the downer of diabetes as well) and never too tired to be intimate.

I don't know why I feel this way, I know its unrealistic..I put high expectations on myself and don't know how to take them down and be okay with it and feel like its okay to be the person I am.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

so recently...

I was reading on (in)courage and they are doing a book club about a book having to do with fear.."what women fear" to be exact and since this is pretty much exactly what I have been dealing with as of late (fear) I figured it was probably a good idea to get involved. I am excited to learn from it and take some nuggets of wisdom from this study. Yesterday, Angie asked us to write about something we have been struggling with lately having to do with fear and link it up with (in)courage. Truth me told, I have no idea how to do that. If any of you know me very well, you'd know I've been dealing with anxiety for quite awhile..2 years really.  I either have this fear that my life will end abruptly or something horrible with happen to me and then I will die. Leaving Claire without a momma and Joe without his wife having to raise our daughter all on his own. It's pretty humbling to have a baby already gone from this world. I want to teach Claire how to get to her big sister as she gets older, I want to help keep her on that path that leads to Ella..and of course Jesus :) The whole reason she can even meet her big sister in the first place. In a wierd way, I wonder if Claire already sort of knows Ella. They shared the same womb! Sometimes she'll be in the bath and just staring outside the door like someone is standing there. She is completely silent most of the time...she just stares in one spot. I can't help but wonder if its her big sister watching her momma and little sister laugh and splash and play with bath toys..does that sound dumb? Of course we have pictures up of Ella that Claire looks at time and again...I wonder.....

Sunday, September 25, 2011

attempting..

to not be so dang negative all the time. It's proving to be not as difficult as I thought it'd be. I have been questioning my faith (I'm sure you've read about it in the other posts I've written) But yesterday I talked with a classmate I attended CCCB with and she was asking me Why I hate believed there was a God in the first place? What drew me to those conclusion? So, whats the problem now? Pretty much..thats a condensed version of the conversation. I have been digging back into some books and even as lame as it may be watching some biblical documentary stuff..sort of..The Case for Christ and The Case for Faith are 2 of my favorites. I am reading the book "case for faith" its raising some pretty valid points and its really helping me :)

As for ms Claire, She's getting teeth!!! I think 3!!! She's more talkative than ever these days! She's so loving! She likes to give kisses and hugs. She's adorable.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

fear...

So, I will admit (finally) to the few of those who read this, I've been living in fear! There have been times in the past 2 years that it has been better & sometimes worse with living in fear & anxiety.

The fear I've been carrying so long is of something horrible happening to me. Namely, death. I have this fear since our first baby died so suddenly so will I. Logical or not thats how I feel. I have been diabetic since who knows when so thats pretty scary! I wonder "will I go blind?" "have a leg amputated?"It's pretty much an ongoing battle..and I pretty much never win. I've really been struggling for quite awhile. It effects my attitude, my mood & even the way I treat Joe & Claire. I've been the kind of person to say "I don't believe "you" should let your mood effect the way "you" treat others but here I am doing it. I think of those who don't have husbands & consider I should be more careful with the way I treat him. After Ella died, I would ger so mad when I saw a parent mistreating their children.

I've been struggling a lot with faith too. I know either way, one has to have faith what we believe is true. When I seek & find..I want more..then a thought that makes me skeptical pops ito my head. I don't remember being wavering this much in my faith since after Ella died.

I've had all these weird pains. It's pretty scary. I still ask for prayer but personally, its hard for me to pray right now

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I wanted more....

So, lately, I have been thinking of Ella..A LOT! Although, I don't think she never strays from my mind too far. I can't help but still feel SO guilty. I miss her! I wanted Claire to have a big sister that she could see, hear, and touch. I wanted Joe to have the experience of being happy that his first little girl was born alive and is exceedingly healthy.

When I think back over her pregnancy I don't remember much of it. I wanted more memories..I wanted more time...I don't want to be part of this group of people...people who know whats its like to lose a child...know what its like to watch your child decay and be put in a casket. The natural order would be for her to bury me and eventually her children bury her and the cycle continues (at least until God decides its okay for Jesus to come back) I'm not saying losing a parent or a grandparent doesn't hurt. I'm sure it does. I've still got both my parents here and have only been through the experience of losing 1 grandfather...my other grandfather and mother passed a long time ago. I had yet to be born when my grandma died and I was very young when her husband died.

I remember a specific time in my pregnancy thinking.."if you take her God. I don't care. She's yours, not mine" Now I look back and think "I DON'T CARE!!!! WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!!?????" I care more than I ever could have thought at that specific time..other times...more than once I remember in the later part of the pregnancy when I would sit in the bathtub, hold my belly and just cry. I would think "What if God DOES take her?"And he did...at one of the last moments I thought possible, he did. The day before I went the hospital (or maybe the morning of) I remember looking at her carseat and diaper bag thinking "we get a baby home soon. thats so cool! or will we?" Maybe it was mother's intuition, the holy spirit or a bit of both telling me something was wrong..the night before I remember going to the sowers' house to watch "faith like potatoes" I didn't feel one movement. I wish I would have cherished that time harder...little did I know, my baby was already 'sleeping'

Saturday, September 3, 2011

new read..

a few weeks ago I picked up the book "choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman. And WOW! Brief over view if you haven't heard of the book..Their 5 year old daughter was accidently ran over.
The book has helped me work through a little of my grief over the loss of our first daughter. One of the 5 year old's sisters saw her die..Maria started running toward the car..the person driving the car didn't see her. The sister that saw her die dealt with feelings of guilt. She felt like she could have stopped her sister from dying. I have felt a sense of responsibility over Ella's death. I should have KNOWN my body would fail her. Anyway, in the book the little girl started to see a christian counselor. The counselor told her to pick a figure off her shelf representing her guilt. She chose a lion I think..then she told the girl to choose a figure that represented Christ..I think she chose a crown. They 'buried' the guilt and put the crown on top of it. I would assume the little girl still 'buries' her guilt. I have dealt with it over and over...like a record. I'm not sure any of this is making any sense to anyone but me and if its not I'm sorry.
 If anyone has lost a loved one, I would recommend the book and even if you haven't I think its a very insightful book into the world of grief you may not understand.
I'm grateful if you haven't had to deal with losing someone close. Those of us who have need ongoing support and love. Even two years later I have hard times,days, week, etc. The cliche that holidays are hard is SO true. Its wierd to not have our family complete. Even when we got our family pictures taken it was wierd to not have Ella. I wore a necklace around my neck that day that the hospital gave to me in her memory box. The little pendant says 'always in my heart'
Claire will be 1 on November 16th. I've recently been thinking about how I never got to celebrate Ella's birthday with her the way I will celebrate Claire's and Claire is my 2nd daughter. I should have had experienced something like this already!!
I want to do something to honor Ella's memory..such as like 'hugs from Ella'..like teddy bears for bereaved parents to stillborns. The thing is, nothing seems good enough. Any suggestions?

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

fighting off lonliness

I enjoy spending one-on-one time with ms. Claire. At the same time, I hate being alone ALL of THE time....or, it feels like all the time. Joe is a full time student with a job. He gets called in frequently when he's not scheduled to work. I appreciate that he has a job. I appreciate that he has the opprotunity to go to school. I appreciate that we have enough to cover bills. I just don't appreciate being so lonesome. I know I talk about it a lot..but its on my mind a lot! So if it seeps out of my mind onto the computer..it'll be better. right? eh, I don't know about that. If that were the case, I'd be over it by now.

Four days ago I emailed someone at CCCB about taking online classes..that person has yet to email back..ugghh!! Its making me sort of crazy..sort of.

Yesterday we took Claire to the doctor for a lump Joe found on her booty the night before. The first thought (almost always) that comes to my mind when something mysterious happens or she gets sick is "why"..."One of my kids has died and now this...." I would have hoped that two years later I would have moved past these 'grief issues' but clearly, that has not been the case.

I really miss CCCB. A LOT! I just miss that period in my life. I miss constantly being lifted up spiritually. I need it! I miss the friends I made there, I miss the familiarity of the town.  I'm not saying I would change having my children or getting married! Not at all! I just need some stability I guess. Stability wasn't anything I ever got used to growing up..and I NEED it now. I know I have Joe..I think God planted it in our hearts for our spouses not to be enough so we can follow hard after Him. But I have been struggling with spiritual warfare..I'd say since Ella died.

Today, I was doing dishes. Claire was playing in the living room when I left to go into the kitchen. Later, I noticed I didn't hear any noise coming from the living room (besides the cartoon I'd turned on for her) I searched under the table, between chairs..the bedrooms..frantically calling out for her at the same time..no Claire to be found. I realized I hadn't checked the bathroom. I went in there and there she was! Standing at the tub..looking like she was ready for a bath or something. I cried of course when I found her...but not letting her see me. I'm trying (maybe not as much as I should) not letting her see me upset. I want her to know that I love her and that I am SOO glad she's here.


It's been on my heart that I treat my friends better than I treat Joe sometimes..I hate that I do that, I like that I can get so comfortable with him but hate that I nit pick at him. I know thats not the way he needs to be loved..

Saturday, August 27, 2011

I'm been considering...

going back to school!!! Since we are in Warrensburg I will take online classes more than likely. When I came to CCCB a few years ago, I came with a intent to get a degree in Christian Counseling. After a semester, (with some influence from others) decided it was too hard. I have been thinking about finishing my degree for awhile. Since before I came to CCCB..in '06 I wanted to work in a church as a counselor. It would be awesome to feel like I'm contributing to our finances when our kids are at school. I want to be a SAHM but if/when the kids go to school, I want to feel like I'm contributing. I don't know if its American society but I just feel like I'm on desert island being home ALL of the time. I feel like I should be working. I have been sending up small prayers now and then asking God to make it clear if I'm supposed to pursue this degree thing. I want to do it but I don't want to do it strictly on emotion. Does that make sense?


Saturday, August 20, 2011

It's Saturday!

It seems I've spent the majority of the day putting away clothes ms. Claire has grown out of in boxes. I have yet to put away her laundry that was cleaned last night away. I have to put away stuff she can't wear yet too. I am debating on the idea of keeping the clothes or giving them to salvation army. I want to keep them in case we have another baby girl. However, I have learned from past experiences even though we plan for something doesn't mean its going to happen.
Joe can't work this week. Our car has been overheating the last couple days. It stinks a lot! I don't know how we will get Claire to her doctor appointment next week or get groceries...AHH!! I don't like stress...then again, I don't know many people who enjoy being stressed. I need to make it the my doctor hopefully soon. I can't do it till the car stops overheating but to do that takes money and we won't have any till next week. I'm glad we will have some money soon though. I really hope its something that doesn't take a lot of money to fix.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

life...

has gotten ahold of me and shook me..again..not as severely as two years ago and I pray I will never be shaken like that again. I am still dealing with anxiety issues. I just wish I could..well..wish it all away. Most of my fears are about my health declining and dying. It may be totally irrational but to me, its totally real and I hate it. I still haven't gone to the Doctor to ask her whats going on with my body. Its still doing things it did a couple years ago..my counselor at the time said its a symptom of grief. Its hard to face facts that my body is forever changed because of the 2 children I shared it with. I'm not saying I regret those children..not even for a second but I do hate what childbearing has done to me..and we still want more..crazy? I think so yes, probably. I have been thinking of Ella a lot & sort of going back in time. I'm still struggling with the same thoughts I had then.Such as, "is Heaven real?" "Am I just wishfully thinking its real so that way I don't have to face reality I will never see her again?" As I write this, a Bible verse popped into my head "you will not allow your Holy one to decay". Its been happening a lot when I have questions like that..but then I wonder if it really is the Holy Spirit speaking to me or if...again..its wishful thinking.

Joe finally found a job!! He's a delivery driver for a chinese place here in town. I am looking...no hits yet but I think they will come if they are supposed to. We need a new car..when I say new I mean new used car. what an oxymoron right? I want something that will allow me to have Claire with me. Speaking of Claire, she is 9 months today!She has been crawling, pulling herself up on things, playing in her pack n play longer and saying "mom". when she first starting trying to say "mom" or "momma" it sounded like "bubba" I thought she was saying "bubba" but in hindsight, I think she was just making her way towards calling for me.

Friday, August 5, 2011

I am..

looking for a part time job! Joe found a job this week. He's a delivery driver for one of the Chinese places here in town. The woman who runs it is UBER nice. She almost always starts a conversation when we go in there. She plays with Claire while mom & dad eat *as well as some of the waitresses*.
I am hoping to find something in babysitting. I feel like it would be easier so that way ms. Claire always has one of her parents around. If there is ANY way I can avoid daycare I want to do it. It's important to Joe and I that she is raised by her parents..not someone else. I know it might seem like a contradiction wanting to get a job caring for someone else's children while they work but my conviction is to be Claire's sole care provider

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

we've been home for a week now!

It's been really great to be back in our routine. I do realize that I want to be busier though. I really liked having something to do. I have been considering finding a job where I can work a couple days a week at least. I don't want Claire in daycare. It's hard to know who I can trust with my child unless I know them personally. Maybe spending time in a daycare just observing for awhile would make me feel better. I remember the first few days home, I would wake up thinking 'where am I?' I forgot we were home!
Joe has had a stuffy nose since about the middle of his Philippines trip I think. It's taken him some time to readjust his schedule. It's been interesting to watch him to try adjust.
The baby is finally getting a tooth! She has a terrible diaper rash though so it's hard to watch her go through that. She will be 9 months in a couple weeks wow wee!! Joe may have a job soon & school is starting up soon here before too long...
What will we do on the hottest day on record? any suggestions?

Thursday, July 28, 2011

we're back!!!

We got back yesterday morning. Joe arrived early monday morning. Like 7 am! I was awake almost the whole night before. It felt like Christmas when your like 10 years old. I am so glad to have my husband back! Claire is super glad to have dad back too. She would have times while we were away where she would holler for dada. It seemed like while Claire and myself were in Illinois there was a lot of drama..not sure I enjoyed that..especially without Joe to help me cope. Ella's 2nd bday was on the 19th. I got through most of the day alright. I didn't go to her grave till Joe got home. I hate going! well, its a like/hate thing actually. I like going to 'be with' my baby but I hate thats where her body is. I hate leaving..I feel like I'm leaving her behind

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

its officially 2 years

Since we lost our first baby girl. She died at almost 38 weeks into the pregnancy and was born exactly 38 weeks along. Today has pretty much been a hum drum do nothing day.. I thought about Ella all day but I didn't really feel like it was hard till the later part of the afternoon. I wanted to cry! It's the sort of cry where if you start you don't know if you'll stop though. I went into Collin's room (my nephew. I've been sleeping in his room part of the time I have been here) and played with him and Claire..well, sort of.I was mostly distant. Shedding a tear here and there..so Collin wouldn't catch on to what was going on. Later my sister asks me if I want to go swimming with all my other nephews and niece (at least on this side of the family) I told her I didn't really feel like doing anything. That I didn't know if I wanted anyone around or to be alone..I finally really cried..She thankfully called my other sister (who has lost a child as well) because she had somewhere to be and couldn't stay home with me. I'm grateful my older sister came to get me. It turns out, I do think I needed to be around people..especially 2 who understand baby death. I kept thinking today..I haven't done anything to honor her memory..I haven't even been to her grave. It's been like a year since I've been there. There isn't anything really to look at. At least where her grave is concerned. She is buried with my nephew in his plot so at least I have his headstone to look at. It's awkward going to a cemetary and even more awkward being there for your own child. I had an even harder time I think because Joe wasn't here with me. I dreamed last night that he came home early then I woke up and realized it was just me and claire (and collin) in the room. I hated the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I guess I have honored Ella in thinking of ways she has blessed me..understanding, being genuine, honest and compassionate I suppose. Before she passed away I don't think I could really be there for others in hard times..then again, maybe that comes with age. I'm not sure. anyway. I will see my husband in a few days and I am so excited about it! I'm more than ready for him to hold me again.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

I spent the night..

In quincy last night with Jenny. It was so much fun. We went to walmart to get treats & went back to her place. We had Raspberry smoothies. They were yummers! We went to church the next day where I saw my middle school geography teacher. It was very nastalgic. The baby did very well in the nursery apparently. She pooped through her britches though! but after that things went pretty smoothly. Stopped to eat at pop's pizza..good stuff by the way :) went to at&t to fix a phone issue she was having...er try to. It turns out she has to get a new phone..sort of stinky. We went back to the apt. for awhile. Everyone else (including the cat & her babies) took a nap but me. Oh well..it was good to just enjoy the quiet. Went to starbucks and ate my low carb ice cream! I am disappointed since they do not have chocolate low carb ice cream in Warrensburg..oh well..it was good to take advantage of it while I am here..I gave the rest to nephews and niece. Being back has strangely brought me to a realization that I want a closer relationship with God. One more week till I see my husband again. I'm sad that I probably won't talk to him for a few days.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

8 days left!

I am thrilled at the idea of seeing Joe again. I have been able to talk to him on and off for a few minutes every couple days. Yesterday we talked for an hour over skype so that was nice. It was hard to say goodbye though..always is. He sent me a message & told me he might not be able to talk to me till Thursday because they are going to a different city. Not tomorrow but the Sunday after that he will be back in the US at about 1am then he's going to Normal then hopefully to where I am..wherever that is. One of my sisters and her son had been sick with the flu so I've been at my older sister's. Its nice though to divide up the time so we get plenty of time with each 'family'. I'm ready to go back to 'regularly scheduled programming' though, you know that feeling where you just want your own bed back? Its that sort of feeling. I am spending the day with a friend (maybe tonight) and tomorrow and then with another friend on Monday so hopefully the time will pass quickly until I see my husband again. The other day Claire kept calling for "dada". It was so cute! I was a little sad though for her (and me) but I was glad that she misses him.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

3 in the morning

and I can't sleep. my nose is semi stuffy, my throat hurts & I'm sort of working on a headache. It doesn't help that there is a st. bernard trapesing through the house. They are most definately not small animals.Of course I lay here & think of my time left without my husband.I've come to realize the place I called home for so long isn't home anymore. It's wherever Joe & Claire are. Ella's birthday is on the 19th. I'm totally disappointed I am not having an easier time here. I long for the day (about 10 of them) where Joe & Claire & me will be together again. I'm not sure how I will spend Ella's 2nd birthday. Everything I can think seems inadequate. I sure wish I had both my baby girls here. I realize some people aren't as fortunate to even have 1 here with them. I can't help but still feeling an empty spot. The doctors think my mom had her 2nd heart attack the last in the last few days. As I said, disappointed this time isn't easier...I am hoping that God will find a way to use me though & make it a blessing for me as well. Is that selfish? To want to be blessed by God when blessing someone else? Please say a prayer for me...

Sunday, July 10, 2011

he's officially gone...

The airplane left chicago at noon. He's going to be on the plane for 14 hours! After that, he will have a 3 hour layover in south korea then another 3 hour flight to manilla I think then they will drive to Dag-u-pawn. He left yesterday to join the group at Pete's house. It really started to sink in that he was going the day we woke up and only had half the day together. I don't know when we will be able to talk again but thankfully there's skype and we can email each other back and forth. It's not like all connection is lost for the 2 weeks he is gone. Claire is taking to my side of the family well. At first she was sort of intimidated I think but now she is getting used to them. She especially likes her cousin Amber! I'm so happy she is happy and her cousin Collin that wanted "the baby to go home" the first time her met her when she was only 3 weeks old is now in love with her! He's even offered to share his racecar bed with her.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

for the next couple weeks....

Claire and I will be in Illinois while Joe is in the Philippines. I am excited for him that he has this opprotunity. Its going to be a once in a lifetime opprotunity I'm afraid. I sort of half joked with him the other night that once he gets a good GPS job he should take his mom back to the Philippines for a visit, that it could be a mother/son thing.

We have never been apart from each other for more than a night in our whole marriage. For me that was hard enough I don't know how I will make it through 2 weeks. It's a good thing I will have ms. Claire. She is for sure going to be a part of 'home' I am going to be taking with me.

We will head to Moberly for a couple days and then to Illinois. Joe will be staying with me for a night and then going to meet with his group. I am looking forward to having time with my family for awhile. I am not however, looking forward to being home/husband sick. I understand it works both ways. I asked him if he's even thinking about the fact he will miss us. He told me that of course he will but he's trying not to dwell on it.

I still am struggling with a bit of anxiety. I think I will be starting counseling in the next month or so (conflicting schedules)

Friday, July 1, 2011

stomach bugs..

are gross! I had a 24 hour thing monday. I felt MISERABLE! I  would even venture to say it was worse than when I was pregnant with my children. With my 2nd child I was throwing up even into the 6th month. Wednesday Joe had it but not as bad so I was thankful for that.
Wednesday morning I went to Bible study at Northside. I had the sort of morning where I fought with myself if I should go or not. I was glad I did. We sort of talked about how to be a light to the world, what that looks like and checking our motives or shining Christ's light. I was convicted! So many times when I do the "Godly" thing and let someone go in front of me in a line for example I am saying to myself "well, I'm doing something good. I must be really spiritual. why can't others be like me?" I think my motives are not pure. I simply think "well, I'm sure God is proud of me now" and then a voice says "if He's there" I still struggle with the sin of unbelief. I now realize (and when I figured it out it really was a 'duh' moment) that the fruits of the spirit have to be cultivated..they don't just come to you...
which fruits do you need to work on?

Sunday, June 26, 2011

this week...

has been crazy! I was a crew leader for a group at vbs this week. It was neat to see the kids learn about God and the way they interacted with each other was neat (when they weren't fighting) The cool thing was being able to use the fighting as a learning experience (I don't think I did however..you know its one of those things you think about AFTER the fact) I was with the 1st graders. My group was really sweet. Tuesday was bad but the rest of the week went well :)
My little girl has been sick with a cold the last couple days..she's getting better today. It's not easy to see my baby coughing/sneezing and loads of snot coming out!
Today we went to get our pictures taken. We got a gift certificate from my aunt and uncle that we FINALLY used.
During our time at vbs one of the professors at the college I attended skyped with us from Taiwan. It was hard to see the people there worship their empty gods and for one of the girls in my crew say "what are they doing?" "why are they doing it?"

Friday, June 17, 2011

life :)

has a way of being...interesting. I have been struggling a lot lately. I've been struggling with my beliefs, I've struggled with the idea of moving on in the future, my health has been a concern to me as well.
I've wondered..Is this whole Christianity bit really real? Am I just wanting to make myself feel better that there is something better and that our first baby is really in a place where she is happy and loved and taken care of...These thoughts rack my mind and have for months!
Joe graduates in about a year and a half. Then we get to try to find a house and start moving forward. That thought scares me! What if he graduates and we have no place to go or there isn't a job offer in his field? By moving on it sort of feels like leaving Ella behind..sort of not as much as it did a couple years ago though. I know that she would probably want us to move on though..and be happy and look forward to seeing her one day.
Since I am diabetic I worry about getting gangrene and having to have something cut off...or my eyes, heart or kidneys ceasing to work.. Has this medicine set in yet?  why haven't I stopped worrying yet?I ask myself...How good is the glyburide really working for my diabetes?

I do have some great support behind me though...I have a good husband (even though sometimes he makes me want to roundhouse kick him in the face) I have found a select few really good friends around her and have some really good friendships from home (Moberly) that have stuck with me..Godly friends. I am thankful for them...so thankful. I am grateful for the people who have prayed for me even when I have a hard time praying myself..which is a lot because I wonder if I am talking to myself..and the answers to my prayers will actually just be coincidence and have nothing to do with God...I know these thoughts may be wrong...I wonder If I am the only one who has thought them...anyone have words of wisdom and/or encouragement?

oh yeah, our daughter turned 7 months old yesterday!

Monday, June 13, 2011

is anyone...

there? i'm sorta paranoid...i guess you could say I am talking to myself. this blog is a very good outlet but its even better when i have some feedback :-)

what happens when our life on earth is done?

2 Corinthians 5:1-15

New Living Translation (NLT)

2 Corinthians 5

New Bodies
 1 For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 2 We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. 3 For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies.[a] 4 While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. 5 God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit. 6 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. 7 For we live by believing and not by seeing. 8 Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. 9 So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him. 10 For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body.
We Are God’s Ambassadors
 11 Because we understand our fearful responsibility to the Lord, we work hard to persuade others. God knows we are sincere, and I hope you know this, too. 12 Are we commending ourselves to you again? No, we are giving you a reason to be proud of us,[b] so you can answer those who brag about having a spectacular ministry rather than having a sincere heart. 13 If it seems we are crazy, it is to bring glory to God. And if we are in our right minds, it is for your benefit. 14 Either way, Christ’s love controls us.[c] Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life.[d] 15 He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

we are comin up on...

Ella's 2 year birthday. I've felt like I've been dying inside for the past few weeks. I'm a ball of anxiety (mostly about my own mortality) It's so hard to live without one of my children here. I often wonder what she would look like at the ripe age of 2. Would she be a good sister? Or would she be jealous? Would Claire like having a  big sister instead of just playing with mom & dad These questions fill my mind a lot of the time. I'm glad I have the people to keep me going that I do.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

i haven't been able..

to get my blogger to download all the way. It's made me really sad because the last 2 weeks have been really hard for me.
Joe's not working anymore. His manager wrote him off the schedule 2 weeks in a row..he's looking for another job. I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago for some pains i'd been having. They both turned out to be minor issues. One of which has resolved itself the other..not so much. The doctor put me back on anxiety medicine. I stopped taking it after Claire was born. I shouldn't have ever stopped taking it. I could feel my tensions slowly rise over the last few months and I guess I just blew up. I can't handle it on my own. Ella's birthday is coming soon. Since Claire's birth (I think I've mentioned before) I've thought of Ella more. Grieving has been really hard the past few weeks.
I've been going stir crazy at home all the time. I will be visiting my family in Illinois while Joe's gone to the Philippines. There is also anxiety about him going there. Not only will he be gone for 2 weeks (never spent more than 1 night apart in our marriage) and gone over Ella's birthday but I'm scared about bad things happening (ie earthquake) while he is gone. With the recent tornadoes and Joplin being so demolished unexpectedly I'm just afraid of what might happen...but then again nothing may happen but spreading the Gospel and he will come home safe and we will spent our lives together.
I have a like/dislike relationship with not knowing the future. I like the surprise and adventure of life but not knowing is THE worst sometimes.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

It's coming!

Mother's day I mean. Its Sunday (your thinking 'duh' right?) Joe's only got 9 hours of work next week and didn't have many this week either so we cannot celebrate Mother's Day the traditional way. I know its dumb but I am disappointed about it. I was thinking about why I felt so disappointed and came to the conclusion its all about validation. I am not only wanting to feel validated about being Claire's mother but also Ella's. Its really stupid to feel this way of course I am their mother! I had Ella for 8 and a half months and I mother Claire every day and have since the day we learned she was on the way. I almost feel like its one more way to honor Ella's memory...


We went to the doctor today for Claire. She's had a rash(es) on her chest, arm, and leg. It turns out its only eczema. The doctor gave us some cream..stuff. Claire doesn't act like she's in any pain or anything so thats good. It's just annoying more than anything.

Joe's done with the semester! As of tomorrow anyway, he has one more final and then he's done..for 3 days and then summer classes start. At least I will get my husband back a little more often..

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

need encouragement?

Normally on Wednesday mornings I go to a women's Bible study. This morning was a week that we talked about what we had learned the week before. Towards the end of our meeting time a woman in the group who was diagnosed with cancer got up to give us sort of an update on whats been going on. She was diagnosed with neuroendocrine cancer. She said its a very rare form and she has the fastest growing type, also rare. And let me tell you, what she had to say was amazing!!! I don't think I will be able to remember all she talked about but she did have some pretty good stories about how things 'just happened' to work out. Like the way her husband's printer had taken a poop. When he finally got a new one and plugged everything in some information started to print out. He asked Debbie if she tried to print of this information earlier and she said she hadn't. Turned out it was some info on a hospital! 
she went on to tell us that her family is going to Disney World!! The originally 3 night stay has turned into 6, they are giving her a discount on airfare and at Disney itself. She told us about how the annoying things her husband does do not annoy her anymore. Such as socks on the floor, etc. Don't we all know about that married ladies? She said little things like that don't seem to matter anymore. I think when you are faced with the reality of death, you really realize whats important. At least I know I did when our daughter died.
She told us she has been an extremely anxious person since she could remember (sounds like me..well, my anxiety sort of sprung on after Ella's death) She told us she has learned to really enjoy life now, to not waste a moment. 
I feel like God was speaking right to me. Speaking of Ella, sort of. Ella will finally have a headstone!! yay!!!

I wanted to share with you a couple quotes given to us by Debbie that really encouraged me. 
"Cancer has blessed me more than my life before"-I think she was referring to the things its taught her
"my body may have cancer but my soul does not!"

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Claire's asleep!!

I thought I'd get in a little blogging time before she gets up. Well, hopefully. I have been having a rather difficult time as of late. I know I will get through it thought and I HATE sounding so...down..I feel like I've been posting sad kind of things lately.

I still feel like I don't do much during the day. I mean, anything making me active. I am with my baby all day (I am NOT complaining about that) I love love love my baby. I just don't like the fact that I feel like all we do is sit. I know I am wasting time not being happy with where I am in life. I feel like since I am not really doing anything I am just wasting my life away..dumb right? I am raising a little girl! Thats pretty much a super engaging job. If you don't know or remember (or maybe you do and wish I'd stop bringing it up) I'm diabetic and I'm scared I will not be here to watch her on her 10th or 15th birthday. I want my sight! I want my legs and feet in 50 years! Sometimes with diabetes it just kind of takes over. Regardless of the effort put forth of the person the diabetes infects.

 I wonder if I am doing the right thing by Claire and Joe by staying home with her and not working. I know it is best for her if I do. If I really think about it, I am even saving money by staying home. Daycare and transportation bills aren't cheap and if you add costs of doctor visits and stuff because of possible sickness. Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better. I just don't want her to be anti social and weird as a kid/teen/adult. We have plans for me to homeschool her. I lack confidence in some subjects. The way they teach in school now..well, its just a lot quicker and seems faster paced than it used to be. I'm scared to send my kid to school though..if you watch or read the news the reasons why are more than obvious.

How does a person not allow their child (baby) to be the center of their marriage? Joe and I get no time anymore to just be "us". I honestly can't remember the last time we went out for a date. I don't want Claire to move out of the house and my marriage fall apart because we were 'keeping it up for the kids'.

My doctor's nurse (weird kind of I know) and I have been emailing each other back and forth. She thinks it would be best for me to get back on anti anxiety medicines. I took them after Ella was born. I was just in a dark spot and I couldn't find my way out. I was constantly on edge about something. I think I remember telling a friend I had gotten 6 hours of sleep in 2 nights because of the constant anxiety. I continued taking it during Claire's pregnancy so I wouldn't get too worked up. We lost our daughter 2 weeks before she was due in my last pregnancy so I didn't really have a 'marker' to look forward to passing so I wouldn't be so nervous. To make matters worse, I had a doctor appointment days before her death and everything was seemingly great. I don't want to depend on a medicine to get me through. At the same time I understand that the reason I should be taking it is because of something HORRIBLE that happened in my life and I will never to be able to not be effected by it.

I'm trying to look to God now. I just hadn't been feeling Him lately. I read a post today on facebook and someone had commented on not feeling Him either. It was then I realized how stupid I was being. Thank God we don't have to FEEL him to KNOW he's there.


if you have any feedback..namely other moms PLEASE say whats on your mind

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

communion

So if anyone eats this bread or drinks this cup of the Lord unworthily, that person is guilty of sinning against the body and the blood of the Lord. That is why you should examine yourself before eating the bread and drinking from the cup.
1 Cor. 11:27-28

I got this in my email today. Everyday I get a devotional in my email. Its interesting because this has been on my heart lately.When taking communion over the past several weeks, I admit to you, my heart has been sort of in it. does it mean we should not partake of the elements being passed around the church if we are not 'feelin it today'?I have not felt that close to God as of late. Now I still pray safety over my daughter and things of that nature but getting close to Him...oh no! I still pray for the safety of both my daughters. Is that stupid? I pray that Ella truly is happy and loved and not just...nowhere..does that make sense? since Claire's birth I have sporadically wondered how life would look different with a 5 month old AND almost 2 year old and I feel like shutting down. I try to remind myself if Ella were here then we might not have Claire. I got pregnant 9 months after she Ella died I think. Now, I definitely am not glad Ella couldn't stay with us but since she couldn't, I'm so glad to have Claire!

Now, back to this God business, I know asking for his care but ignoring him otherwise is hypocrisy and doesn't make you a Christian at all!! I'm not doing bad things I guess I'm more...stagnant than anything but surprisingly but not all at once typing all this out has made me realize how stupid I am being...





Monday, April 11, 2011

my mind just doesn't stop running..

So I have to admit, I am having a hard time..with a few things.

I feel like I don't know how to teach Claire certain things and when..well, let me just tell you what I'm talking about exactly. This girl does NOT sleep in her crib. Yesterday was the first time she actually slept in it I think. She will be 5 months old on the 16th and still isn't sleeping on her own at night. She does sleep in this little rocking chair we have for her just fine. I don't think there will ever be a perfect time to try to help her do it..I mean, right now Joe's in school and is so busy especially now that its the end of the semester AND works now..so I feel like I'm not being a good wife by letting the baby sleep on her own and being up several times a night and Joe not getting adequate sleep. Is that stupid?

I'm not sure I am being a good Christian..well, I know I'm not. I am letting the world get to me and strike up some feelings of skepticism. It all just seems so unreal. I mean that there is a God...a Jesus who died for us! Then again, the big bang is pretty weird in my opinion. I'm in that spot where when I do talk to God I wonder if anyone is listening but then again..I've been through it before and it always passes.

Since Joe is busy, and I am home by myself with the baby I don't get a lot done. For instance, today I got a load of dishes done when it was just me and her home. She cried the whole time though. Before I had gotten the water ready to wash the dishes she was good in her playpen so I thought she would be good for awhile..as soon as I got those dishes in the sink..she wasn't happy. I knew before we came here that he was going to be busy I just wasn't prepared for the loneliness. I thought that since I would have Claire shortly after we moved here that all would be okay..I was wrong. I feel as if this is a test of patience or something. I love my daughter so much and nobody said parenthood was easy and I understand that..I just didn't think I'd have to deal with being lonely too. In order to graduate on time Joe is going to have to take on even bigger course loads and an internship (eventually) and work...ahhh!!

well, my baby is screaming in her crib..and its time to get her a bath I suppose :0) good thing she doesn't mind a bath

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

thinking...just thinking

There have been a number of thoughts running through my head as of lately. I'm sure all of it if not all will come out in this post. Claire is growing.growing so fast. She will be 5 months here pretty soon! She's still pretty small for her age but is it still seems like time is going by fast. It doesn't seem like she was born all that long ago. I still haven't even completely healed from her being born..but since I have the luxury of a pancreas that doesn't work, it takes longer for my body to heal.

Joe got a job yesterday!!!! He's now officially hired at Subway here in town. Thanks to another Central graduate, he had sort of an 'in'. His hours will start off slow but I have confidence that his hours will increase. Right now I'm just thankful he has a job.

I've been struggling to find the joy in life completely. I do find it but I feel like I can't really enjoy it because there is always something to bring me down. A HUGE part of the bringing me down bit comes because I do have diabetes. I wonder about how long I will live, if I will go blind, if my kidneys will stop functioning, heart problems. I realize these problems haven't occurred yet I feel like I constantly wonder if they will.

I really like my Bible study groups. They've both helped me get through so much and I don't think they realize it.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

what did we do on vacation?

I decided I would document our trip so I can maybe answer the question:"what do you guys do?" and so I can remember it. I told you a little bit about my very first airplane ride before. Well, the second wasn't as bad. I've decided I hate the going up part but everything else is kinda nice. We didn't arrive in San Diego till about 9:45pm I think. His dad and grandma came to get us then we went to chuck e. cheese where his mom works! It was sorta fun to see it again. We stayed and visited for a bit then it was time for mom to get back to work. Claire and I went back to the hotel and Joe went to work with his dad. His sister Jennifer came to talk to me while Joe was gone with his dad. We finally made it to bed about 12 I think. the next day was church, lunch at a chinese restuarant. Then I went back to the hotel.I didn't feel good and Joe went to his parents' house for the day.  Monday morning we went to breakfast at IHOP with grandma then we went to go look at a house for my in-laws. The apartment they have now is just too cramped for all the people who live there. Of course my in laws, my mother in law's mother and sister. Now, once they move apparently my father in law's mother is coming to live with them. It was pretty. I saw a snail for the first time...lame huh? Yeah..I know. After that I think we went to the Navy base to see all the ships. HUMUNGO!! then on to the Navy Exchange to buy SeaWorld tickets. I'm sure lunch was in there somewhere. and dinner.besides that I can't remember what happened that day.Tuesday was of course Seaworld!!!! It was really fun! I got a bad sunburn on my face of course. I say of course because my face always seems to get burned when I'm outside all day if its remotely sunny outside. After Seaworld was auto zone. Cam's car (jenni's bf) overheated on the way to Seaworld. It didn't happen till we were in the line to pay for parking though so that was good at least. Then A real sushi place! It was so good. I honestly don't remember Wednesday that well. I feel like we just hung around the parents' apartment.  Thursday...again not that sure. We spent the night at his sister's though. She has a super nice apartment with her roommates. Friday I think it was just a relaxation day..at the parents. We went to see a house again for the in-laws, and went to Chinese!! After dinner we went back to the apartment sat around for a bit and waited for Jen to get off work then me, jen, mom, and auntie nene (mom's sister) went shopping..mostly for the baby. We appreciated it a lot! then back to the apartment then bed a few hours later bedtime! Then we got up...at 3:34am to get to the airport. We left around 5:30am to go to the airport. it was a huge rush once we were there! We had to sit apart because we were the last ones on the plane. I had the baby. Joe sat a few rows in front of me. I sat next to the sweetest woman and her hubby. She didn't like flying either she said. Her hubby flew a lot for work. They have 3 kids. Owen, Ella and Georgia I think..so cute! Like kids out of a movie! I talked to the mom the whole time. We ended up in Albeuquerque (sp) for 2 hrs! Then we flew home. We did get to sit together this time. In the very back of the plane next to the bathroom in case we needed to change baby's diaper..needless to say we didn't until we got to the KC airport. Nadine came to get us, we tried to look for a "Denny's" because I had never been to one but it was closed. We came home, I did laundry and then watched a movie. It was snowing when we got home and it was so cold!! About a 30-40 degree difference from SD..I enjoyed being there. Well, I'm done!

Monday, March 28, 2011

are we singing louder?

This morning Claire got me out of bed super early, I was flipping through the channels as I was feeding her & someone very familiar looking appeared. This doctor/preacher was a part of the grief share sessions I was involved in after Ella's passing. He was on a talk show sorta thing promoting his new book. I think its a book about how America has forgotten God. He started to talk about this group who would stand at the train station and sing. As the Jewish people who were being sent to concentration camps would go by on these trains the people would just sing louder, ignoring the cries for help of the Jewish people. It was a thought provoking story. I am not trying to point the finger and say "oh YOU are such a bad person." I'm pointing the finger at myself as well. Have you ever heard the saying when you point at someone you have 3 fingers pointing back at yourself? I feel like by ignoring the hurt and pain of other people we are just ripping the "Great Commission" portion of the Bible right out..

I know that as of late I have fallen prey to the thinking of 'well, you do your thing and I'll do mine and lets just ignore one another when the other messes up.'  I know I need to be bolder and say something when I know a fellow Christian is in the wrong. But what do you do when that person is in limbo and they don't really know what they are? anyway...I want to show my daughter to be bold in her faith..i'm not saying she will be perfect. I know she will fail at times but I want her parents to show her how to love, how to never ever have a bad thing to say about anyone. I feel sorry for the person who nit picks about someone else. I wonder how badly they feel about themselves to want to pick on another person...I want to be THAT kind of mom/person. 


I want to be better for her

Sunday, March 20, 2011

vacation

joe and i left for california yesterday. we both have been looking forward to the trip for so long. claire & i shared many firsts yesterday. we both flew for the first time, switched airplanes, been close to the border and have been to a few states we otherwise wouldn't have gone to. Claire did better than her momma. she was calm basically the whole time. I cried & got panicky at first when the plane was taking off. on the way up to the sky (pretty much) my ears needed to pop. I tried to hold my nose and blow so my ears would pop. I blew snot...it was gross and now that its over sorta funny. Later on in the flight apparently I was nervous because my hand started to gravitate to the stranger beside me..talk about embarrassment :(
we have a full week ahead of us, i'm looking forward to some fun

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

icky..sick

Sunday coming home my nose started to get stuffy. I'd been feeling 'drainy' the last couple days before that. Now, I am spending my time blowing my nose, and taking medicine. Not only does being sick play with a diabetic's blood sugar but it makes me not wanna eat..or drink which makes my blood sugar worse. Joe took the baby to the doctor for her 4 month appointment. She gets shots today. There is a part of me that wants to be there to cuddle her after she gets the shots but another part of me is glad I won't get to see it. I decided not to go (as I usually would) because of the stuffiness. I think I'm starting to cough too..gross! We leave for San Diego in a few days. I hope I get better.

My baby growls now! She 'talks' back and forth to us but it totally sounds like she's growling. When she is in her car seat and sometimes when she's sitting on my lap she tries to sit up. it's adorable and makes me SOO excited my baby is growing up and learning how to do things on her own. Along with that though is the 'dread' that comes knowing my baby isn't going to stay little forever. I know it but I guess it seems so far from now..but now that she is learning things on her own its becoming more real. 

I'm so happy to be this girl's momma!



Friday, March 11, 2011

why why why...

I put a new song list on here. It consists of music that reminds me of my girls. And some just because I like the songs. In the song "with hope" he says that he never questioned so much the wisdom of God's plan..thats EXACTLY how I feel and have felt since Ella died. I go to a women's Bible study on Wednesday mornings. There are other people who I attend there with who have lost their babies as well. They do have other children as well though :) its nice to talk to them and be able to relate to one another..it was kind of a coinkindink that they also lost girls. I was asked how I've dealt with Ella's death in the almost 2 years since she's been gone..I think its been..different since Claire's here. I get to watch Claire grow and it just puts things into perspective. I never got to watch Ella grow. The other night I had a weird dream that every time I changed Claire's diaper she would die..but there were replicas of her so she was still alive but there were 'dead Claire's'..and then in the dream I wondered if we forgot to bury Ella...like her body was just laying around too...weird. She's obviously been on my mind.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

in my email...

I get a daily devotion from Wisdom Hunters. Yesterday's devotion was entitled "unintentional sin." The devotional was something I hadn't put a lot of thought into before...well..kinda. So I will share with you a little 'snipit' of the devo. Lets start with the Scripture passage he opened with:

 “If the entire Israelite community sins by violating one of the Lord’s commands, but the people do not realize it, they are still guilty.” Leviticus 4:13

In the beginning of the post he was talking about how if he forgets to report some extra income there would be consequences with the IRS.
I do agree with him on this. There would be some serious consequences! I guess I just have some trouble with the passage he started with. I am not saying I won't accept it or anything, I'm just confused on how to take it..I don't even know how to even form this passage into a question..I dunno. Its definitely been on my mind though.

okay, here's something I've been thinking about as well.. I had this happen to me when I was younger (I think) 

So, I was at a gas station. I paid the cashier the money I owed for the soda and chips (before my diabetes became an issue) and she gave me the cash back but I later realized she had given me the amount I had given her. So I never actually paid for it at all! Should I have said something to her? Is it acceptable to accept something like that from a manager of a store or something?

Saturday, March 5, 2011

thoughts

so lately I've had my oldest baby on my mind. There was a long time period where I didn't feel as effected by Ella's death. Now I just feel heartbroken all over again. I miss her terribly. Recently I have been thinking about my emotions at that time and how far I have come. but every once in a great while I still feel stuck. I go back to 'that' place. the one where I feel so alone and it feels like everyone else is moving on with life but me.now  i know that i can move on. i have for almost two years. that is unbelievable,amazing and heartbreaking all at once.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

new beginnings

I struggle so much with changing myself. I think "I would like to start exercising to make myself feel better but I just don't have the time."totally untrue! I have heard it said that a person will make time for whats important to them. I totally agree! I don't like to admit it but I do agree. Nobody likes to think of themselves as  'mess up.' Unfortunately I get caught up in 'mess up' mode. I make so many excuses! I want to change the way I live but I just struggle with summoning the courage to change and to think I will actually stick to it..here's what I would like to change in my life and maybe one (or more) of you will have some advice..I need all I can get:

-Eat healthier. you are what you eat. you eat crap and you feel like crap. Not to mention it is vital in order to maintain my 'diabetes life'. its very hard for me when" everyone else is doing it"-aka eating whatever strikes their fancy. its so hard not to be resentful. I know just because "everyone else is doing it" is a lame excuse. someone once told me i need to accept who I am..still working on it. I think that in order to honor God with my body I need to watch what I put into it.

-I'd like to be a better mommy. I do want whats best for my baby. I do! In having a conversation with a friend, I discovered I think I am still dealing with some post pardom depression. I feel so lonesome throughout the day. I don't have as many friendships here as I did at cccb. Most of the ones I have gained already have close friends so I feel a littlle a lot out of the 'loop'. It's not as easy to get out my apt. here since I have my baby. I look forward to the day I no longer feel inadequate to be Claire's momma.

-Be a better wife. I feel like I'm constantly nagging. I've come to realize (finally) I will never  be 100% satisfied with him. I felt as if I should for a long time.

- Better Christ follower. I could be doing as something as simple as praying for my building. Prayer is so powerful. I don't know why I don't use it!! so cliche but so true.

my reason for thinking of a new beginning:

Monday, February 21, 2011

a day in the life of me

I get up, I nurse, and I can't seem to get off the couch. I try to put her in her rocking chair. That works for awhile if she's in a good mood. I play with her (when she's in a good mood). I clean when I get a free moment.  I feel inadequate as a mom. I know there is probably more I should be doing as her mom. I love her very much. I am not complaining. I guess I'm just saying I feel like I'm ill equipped.Then again I'm a fan of being a mommy. I don't know that this makes any sense to anyone reading this. I just want the best for her. 
My blood sugar has been high, the anticipation of reading the number on the meter scares me. I wonder how long I will be here. I know that stress and worry only makes the blood sugars worse so I try to do what I can and then let whatever happens, happen. 
I feel like I'm failing at a relationship with God. I do go to a weekly bible study which is awesome!  There is a workbook that goes with it. its a daily thing. I feel like I'm always in a hurry to do it, I don't take the time to actually soak it in..well, not as much as I want to. 
its going to be alright..i know it is!

Monday, February 7, 2011

it could turn into..

a little of everything! Who knows!! Little one woke up at 2 and 5 this morning. When she fell asleep after she ate at 5 she smiled and laughed in her sleep! It was adorable and surprising. Its one of those things she does that makes the hard times a little easier to get through. She's not been sleeping on her own..still! just now she fell asleep in her rocking chair thing. I've been trying to get her to take a nap on her own for awhile this morning.
I don't feel as overwhelmed about being a momma anymore. It's easier to look at it more as a privilege. I am still adjusting to this new little person being in my life. When I was pregnant it wasn't as hard as it is now to face that my life would change. I was still my 'own' person even though she was inside me and everything I did effected her too. I just didn't have to wake up to feed her 2 or 3 times during the night, change diapers, etc.
the fact that I am diabetic has been on my mind more and more. Will it kill me? When? Will I lose my legs? go blind? I don't want to go blind or lose my sight, I want to be here to see my baby grow up. I don't know why it's so hard for me to take care of myself at times. Granted, it is winter time and that makes it super hard to want to go out and exercise but I should be doing something that resembles exercising everyday. I have no idea how to use the sling I have to carry Claire around with me when I want to get chores done so the majority of the time I am holding her....it's impossible to do dishes with a 3 month old in my arms. I control what I eat..mostly. I still have times where its easier and more fun to eat that brownie like everyone else instead of grabbing carrots or something. Its supposed to make more of a difference when I know food can kill me. brownies and crappy food has its toll on even a 'normal' person too I suppose. It would help oogles if I lost weight too..when will I learn my family and being here to give God the glory is more important than food

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

radical...

I was reading an article today on relevant magazine's webpage. It talks about how Jesus wants us to reach out to all the world no matter the cost. I do think as American Christians we have it easier than we ought. He was saying that when we worship the God who wants us to live comfortable, non risky American lives, we are worshipping ourselves. You may want to check it out for yourself to get the exact words he used. I do agree that we have things in excess and I am not one to not take advantage of that excess. Its a shame to say...just look at my weight and one can see that I like food..a little too much. With my having diabetes and her paternal grandfather having it, the chances of Claire having it are pretty high. When she gets old enough I really want to teach her good eating/exercise habits to keep her from getting this disease. The things it can do to a person seems completely unfair.

She is sleeping on her own in the playpen! yay!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

it may get random...

I went to Bible study this morning. It was much needed. I was glad I got assigned to the group I did. One of the ladies I could particularly relate to. It helped they could relate to having small children at home. They all could relate to the cabin fever feeling. I feel all sorts of guilty for feeling like this. Especially because of the fact that we lost our Ella last year. Wow! it's just last year...sometimes it feels unreal. Sometimes I feel numb to losing her. This morning for some reason it became all to real again. I was holding Claire and for some reason the way her hairline is reminded me of Ella. It's hard to know what to say when I'm asked 'how many kids do you have?" I don't want to leave Ella out but at the same time explaining everything can be nuts. I don't want to make others feel sorry for me. Ella is a part of my life.
I think going to Bible study on Wednesdays will be good for me. Another lady held Claire for the majority of the time, it felt like a break. I felt like a whole new person. It was weird being without her but it was welcomed..hope that made sense

We can learn lessons from a donkey. That was part of the lesson this morning. The lady teaching was talking about how sometimes we are stubborn as donkeys. God sometimes has to push and pull to get us to budge..eye opening.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

losing myself?

Being a mom has been awesome, don't misunderstand me. I love Claire and sacrificing "myself" is something I would rather do than not..I hope that makes sense.

I know once someone has a baby everything changes. It's been hard sometimes however. I feel guilty even thinking these things but I just can't shake it. I miss just being "me" sometimes. All I do is take care of baby, eat (sometimes), do housework (mostly interrupted) and take care of baby some more. The more I type the more all this sounds so stupid. The other night I went out with my small group. We went to Dairy Queen. I had Claire with me of course. I wanted her with me. At the same time it felt just...odd. The other girls don't have husbands and babies. I know I can't expect them to understand anything about having husbands and babies. I just wish I could regularly get together with someone who can.
I am not saying I don't want my baby here. I totally do. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning and the baby is next to me I still get amazed that she is here. It feels like a dream sometimes. I anticipate the day when all this will get easier. When she does become more independent. I know once that happens I will long for the days when all she wanted was the comforting arms of her mother around her.

She got her 2 month shots on monday. She took them like a champ! She cried for a minute when I held her for awhile she quieted down. Its an amazing feeling knowing that only I have that special kind of comfort that Claire needs. Its amazing knowing the bond we share. Remember awhile back when I said I would remember that I get to wake up with her in the middle of the night, etc? I am definitely trying to keep that in mind. I don't do as good job of it as I had planned. She is 8 lbs 4 ounces now! She's almost gained 2 lbs since birth.

This past weekend we went to a wedding and Claire was totally a crowd drawer. I liked having the extra help with her. Saturday morning (with my nice clothes on for the wedding) I picked her up out of her carseat and she puked on me! Oh the joys of motherhood right? The adventure just gets more exciting everyday

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

this week...

Has been kinda scary. My sister called me Sunday to tell me our mom had a heart attack. She was on a vent and even needed to be resuscitated once. She's doing a lot better now :) I had hoped for more time to pass before something like this happened (we lost Ella just last year) I'm just glad everything is alright. We plan to go to Illinois this weekend. The weather here has been kinda crappy.

Claire is doing well. She has been sort of more fussy than normal the past couple days but I was reading up on 8 week old development and apparently thats okay.  Joe measured her this morning and she's now 20 inches! She started out 18 3/4 at birth.She doesn't like hanging out by herself all that much. She'll sit in her seat that vibrates (not sure what you call them) for about a half hour or so for me. She sits in it longer for Joe. I don't know if she does it on purpose or not. She's started to make more noises that haven't been made. (at least not that I remember)

I think I'm doing better as a mom. I still get burned out from time to time. It makes me SUPER glad I have Joe. I couldn't imagine doing this alone. I'm grateful for my little girl :) I'm glad I got the opportunity to have both my girls. Ella taught me things I could never had learned otherwise. She taught me to love Claire more and be more thankful for every moment with her, even in the middle of the night when she's woken up for the 39878 time.

We plan to go to California in March to see Joe's parents, sister, grandmas and aunt. It's pretty exciting. We are talking about going to seaworld! I've never been on an airplane before so it'll be a time of firsts for me and Claire. Speaking of Claire, she's getting sorta fussy

Saturday, January 8, 2011

oh the joys..randomness ensues

of mommyhood that is! I love my baby so much :) I was a "single parent" for a day and it was tough! Joe left yesterday afternoon for a bachelor party. We are waiting for daddy to come home still. I like spending time with my baby I just don't like feeling alone.

I'm excited to go to moberly next weekend! I'm ready to see everyone again.

The day before yesterday was the first time I think I truly felt like she knowingly was 'asking' for me. Joe said she cried the whole time I was in the shower pretty much and when I walked in the room she was quiet. Joe was feeding her a bottle but she got fussy a bit again and I took her and nursed her and she quieted right down for good. I just love her, I love watching her grow. oh! and she's smiled at me! it's so cute! she has an adorable gummy grin.

We were supposed to go to Illinois this weekend to spend Christmas with my family. We can't make it that far on the gas we have left in the car. My mom has to work this weekend anyway though so it kind of worked out..we'll try for next weekend..maybe? We've got a wedding to go to Saturday that Joe's in and then Sunday we are supposed to stay in the 1 year old sunday school class. Thankfully it's 1 and under I think so we can have Claire with us. I don't think I can bring myself to leave her just yet.

Speaking of leaving, I feel guilty if I leave her with Joe while I go read a book or something. I feel like I should be spending all my time with her! I know I shouldn't feel like this and she needs time with her dad and vise versa. She needs to learn to trust him too (as of right now, this is apparently the only thing she is learning)