Wednesday, April 27, 2011

need encouragement?

Normally on Wednesday mornings I go to a women's Bible study. This morning was a week that we talked about what we had learned the week before. Towards the end of our meeting time a woman in the group who was diagnosed with cancer got up to give us sort of an update on whats been going on. She was diagnosed with neuroendocrine cancer. She said its a very rare form and she has the fastest growing type, also rare. And let me tell you, what she had to say was amazing!!! I don't think I will be able to remember all she talked about but she did have some pretty good stories about how things 'just happened' to work out. Like the way her husband's printer had taken a poop. When he finally got a new one and plugged everything in some information started to print out. He asked Debbie if she tried to print of this information earlier and she said she hadn't. Turned out it was some info on a hospital! 
she went on to tell us that her family is going to Disney World!! The originally 3 night stay has turned into 6, they are giving her a discount on airfare and at Disney itself. She told us about how the annoying things her husband does do not annoy her anymore. Such as socks on the floor, etc. Don't we all know about that married ladies? She said little things like that don't seem to matter anymore. I think when you are faced with the reality of death, you really realize whats important. At least I know I did when our daughter died.
She told us she has been an extremely anxious person since she could remember (sounds like me..well, my anxiety sort of sprung on after Ella's death) She told us she has learned to really enjoy life now, to not waste a moment. 
I feel like God was speaking right to me. Speaking of Ella, sort of. Ella will finally have a headstone!! yay!!!

I wanted to share with you a couple quotes given to us by Debbie that really encouraged me. 
"Cancer has blessed me more than my life before"-I think she was referring to the things its taught her
"my body may have cancer but my soul does not!"

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Claire's asleep!!

I thought I'd get in a little blogging time before she gets up. Well, hopefully. I have been having a rather difficult time as of late. I know I will get through it thought and I HATE sounding so...down..I feel like I've been posting sad kind of things lately.

I still feel like I don't do much during the day. I mean, anything making me active. I am with my baby all day (I am NOT complaining about that) I love love love my baby. I just don't like the fact that I feel like all we do is sit. I know I am wasting time not being happy with where I am in life. I feel like since I am not really doing anything I am just wasting my life away..dumb right? I am raising a little girl! Thats pretty much a super engaging job. If you don't know or remember (or maybe you do and wish I'd stop bringing it up) I'm diabetic and I'm scared I will not be here to watch her on her 10th or 15th birthday. I want my sight! I want my legs and feet in 50 years! Sometimes with diabetes it just kind of takes over. Regardless of the effort put forth of the person the diabetes infects.

 I wonder if I am doing the right thing by Claire and Joe by staying home with her and not working. I know it is best for her if I do. If I really think about it, I am even saving money by staying home. Daycare and transportation bills aren't cheap and if you add costs of doctor visits and stuff because of possible sickness. Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better. I just don't want her to be anti social and weird as a kid/teen/adult. We have plans for me to homeschool her. I lack confidence in some subjects. The way they teach in school now..well, its just a lot quicker and seems faster paced than it used to be. I'm scared to send my kid to school though..if you watch or read the news the reasons why are more than obvious.

How does a person not allow their child (baby) to be the center of their marriage? Joe and I get no time anymore to just be "us". I honestly can't remember the last time we went out for a date. I don't want Claire to move out of the house and my marriage fall apart because we were 'keeping it up for the kids'.

My doctor's nurse (weird kind of I know) and I have been emailing each other back and forth. She thinks it would be best for me to get back on anti anxiety medicines. I took them after Ella was born. I was just in a dark spot and I couldn't find my way out. I was constantly on edge about something. I think I remember telling a friend I had gotten 6 hours of sleep in 2 nights because of the constant anxiety. I continued taking it during Claire's pregnancy so I wouldn't get too worked up. We lost our daughter 2 weeks before she was due in my last pregnancy so I didn't really have a 'marker' to look forward to passing so I wouldn't be so nervous. To make matters worse, I had a doctor appointment days before her death and everything was seemingly great. I don't want to depend on a medicine to get me through. At the same time I understand that the reason I should be taking it is because of something HORRIBLE that happened in my life and I will never to be able to not be effected by it.

I'm trying to look to God now. I just hadn't been feeling Him lately. I read a post today on facebook and someone had commented on not feeling Him either. It was then I realized how stupid I was being. Thank God we don't have to FEEL him to KNOW he's there.

if you have any feedback..namely other moms PLEASE say whats on your mind

Tuesday, April 19, 2011


So if anyone eats this bread or drinks this cup of the Lord unworthily, that person is guilty of sinning against the body and the blood of the Lord. That is why you should examine yourself before eating the bread and drinking from the cup.
1 Cor. 11:27-28

I got this in my email today. Everyday I get a devotional in my email. Its interesting because this has been on my heart lately.When taking communion over the past several weeks, I admit to you, my heart has been sort of in it. does it mean we should not partake of the elements being passed around the church if we are not 'feelin it today'?I have not felt that close to God as of late. Now I still pray safety over my daughter and things of that nature but getting close to Him...oh no! I still pray for the safety of both my daughters. Is that stupid? I pray that Ella truly is happy and loved and not just...nowhere..does that make sense? since Claire's birth I have sporadically wondered how life would look different with a 5 month old AND almost 2 year old and I feel like shutting down. I try to remind myself if Ella were here then we might not have Claire. I got pregnant 9 months after she Ella died I think. Now, I definitely am not glad Ella couldn't stay with us but since she couldn't, I'm so glad to have Claire!

Now, back to this God business, I know asking for his care but ignoring him otherwise is hypocrisy and doesn't make you a Christian at all!! I'm not doing bad things I guess I'm more...stagnant than anything but surprisingly but not all at once typing all this out has made me realize how stupid I am being...

Monday, April 11, 2011

my mind just doesn't stop running..

So I have to admit, I am having a hard time..with a few things.

I feel like I don't know how to teach Claire certain things and when..well, let me just tell you what I'm talking about exactly. This girl does NOT sleep in her crib. Yesterday was the first time she actually slept in it I think. She will be 5 months old on the 16th and still isn't sleeping on her own at night. She does sleep in this little rocking chair we have for her just fine. I don't think there will ever be a perfect time to try to help her do it..I mean, right now Joe's in school and is so busy especially now that its the end of the semester AND works I feel like I'm not being a good wife by letting the baby sleep on her own and being up several times a night and Joe not getting adequate sleep. Is that stupid?

I'm not sure I am being a good Christian..well, I know I'm not. I am letting the world get to me and strike up some feelings of skepticism. It all just seems so unreal. I mean that there is a God...a Jesus who died for us! Then again, the big bang is pretty weird in my opinion. I'm in that spot where when I do talk to God I wonder if anyone is listening but then again..I've been through it before and it always passes.

Since Joe is busy, and I am home by myself with the baby I don't get a lot done. For instance, today I got a load of dishes done when it was just me and her home. She cried the whole time though. Before I had gotten the water ready to wash the dishes she was good in her playpen so I thought she would be good for soon as I got those dishes in the sink..she wasn't happy. I knew before we came here that he was going to be busy I just wasn't prepared for the loneliness. I thought that since I would have Claire shortly after we moved here that all would be okay..I was wrong. I feel as if this is a test of patience or something. I love my daughter so much and nobody said parenthood was easy and I understand that..I just didn't think I'd have to deal with being lonely too. In order to graduate on time Joe is going to have to take on even bigger course loads and an internship (eventually) and work...ahhh!!

well, my baby is screaming in her crib..and its time to get her a bath I suppose :0) good thing she doesn't mind a bath

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

thinking...just thinking

There have been a number of thoughts running through my head as of lately. I'm sure all of it if not all will come out in this post. Claire is growing.growing so fast. She will be 5 months here pretty soon! She's still pretty small for her age but is it still seems like time is going by fast. It doesn't seem like she was born all that long ago. I still haven't even completely healed from her being born..but since I have the luxury of a pancreas that doesn't work, it takes longer for my body to heal.

Joe got a job yesterday!!!! He's now officially hired at Subway here in town. Thanks to another Central graduate, he had sort of an 'in'. His hours will start off slow but I have confidence that his hours will increase. Right now I'm just thankful he has a job.

I've been struggling to find the joy in life completely. I do find it but I feel like I can't really enjoy it because there is always something to bring me down. A HUGE part of the bringing me down bit comes because I do have diabetes. I wonder about how long I will live, if I will go blind, if my kidneys will stop functioning, heart problems. I realize these problems haven't occurred yet I feel like I constantly wonder if they will.

I really like my Bible study groups. They've both helped me get through so much and I don't think they realize it.