Thursday, October 28, 2010

3 weeks!

Thats right, we have 3 weeks from today till Claire makes her appearance into this world. Joe and I are getting so excited. It seems surreal to have another child. I'm not looking forward to the pain of having the baby and the weeks of recovery but I AM ready to stop being so sore the majority of the time, feeling bloated and tired all the time. I know its going to take time after she's born for those feelings to go away but at least her being born will start the process AND we will get to have our baby girl here to hopefully distract me from some of the pain. Last year, I had nothing really. And on top of it, I was dealing with grief.

Joe and I had a long talk yesterday about the goings on of our lives. I had started to feel like we were letting stress effect the way we were treating each other. We had defiantly grown more short with each other. I was struggling with growing resentful. I'm glad we talked about it, I hope we will actually work on fixing our issues like we said we would instead of  saying 'we'll fix it' but never work on it. Marriage takes work!
haha! I don't know why I expected any less than this, I knew it was going to be hard. I just didn't expect it to get harder when we most need each other. In my last pregnancy, we would have only had 3 weeks left with our first child, so that has been a cloud hanging over our heads. "what if we only have 3 weeks left with Claire too?" and it makes it hard to be joyous.

I'm sorry if I am being repetitive in my posts, it's hard to keep track of everything I have already written without actually going back and reading it.

I slept till almost 11 am this morning! I woke up early this morning but evidently went back to sleep. I was surprised at myself. I thought I got to bed at a decent time last night but maybe waking up in the middle of the night coughing, and trying to find a comfortable position to lay in hindered my sleep. I also dreamt I was nursing someone else's child last night. It was incredibly weird to dream that. During the dream it felt weird but I was sort of comfortable with it at the same time. I've had a couple dreams recently that I actually give birth to a boy. In these couple dreams, I believe I remember him either waking up then falling asleep, coming alive then dying and so on and so forth, I can't entirely remember what happened. They were discouraging. I am totally excited to have another baby girl and to be able to be a mother to a child outside my womb. I know I will ALWAYS be Ella's mother but it seems unreal. Just a tad because I never got to mother her after she was born as I picture being a mother. I never pictured signing a piece of paper for an autopsy, for her to be transported, and a paper saying that if I lost too much blood giving birth to her that I either wanted them to try to save me or let me die.

I was texting my sister in law last night, she also lost a baby. I was telling her about the 'black cloud' hanging over our heads. She put it perfectly. "and when you do feel happy something happens and u crash with memories."she said.  It's becoming more and more difficult not to let the bad memories flood in.

Monday, October 25, 2010

monday again!

The whole day was kind of an off day. Joe didn't have class today so it threw the day off from the beginning. Well, actually, first, we had planned for me to go to school with Joe so we could leave for Columbia immediately after he got out of class. My insurance was being dumb this morning and wouldn't pay for my insulin so it took awhile to get that straightened out. Then, the doctor just thought I was being irresponsible because I told him I didn't take it last night or this morning like I should have. 

We met some friends from Moberly for lunch at the mongolian grill place in Columbia. It was nice to see them again. Joe enjoyed it as well. It was a much needed visit I think from friends from 'home'. My next appointment with Dr. Hunze will be 2 weeks before the baby is scheduled to be born. It feels totally weird! I was telling Joe on the way home that I was remembering when there was only 8 appointments left and that seemed unreal. 

The baby was sleeping after I ate..I had a late lunch. She took a long time to do her practice breathing. Normally, she would get it done right away but this time was...different. The doctor and the nurses reassured us it was nothing to worry about, but of course after losing a child especially, we're nervous a lot of the time. Her non stress test was awesome! Her heart rate went way up a few times but the doctor explained it away pretty much, which made us feel better but not completely. Joe agreed that the whole day has felt off. When the nurse had me lay on my side to try to get her to do her breathing she said "and she's gone" and laughed. The nurse meant that she fell asleep again but when she said "she's gone", I admit, I had a slight panic attack. 

Now, I'm sitting at home watching Giuliana and Bill, waiting for Joe to get home. 

I'm having trouble with trusting God will give me the desires of my heart. I have just recently realized that the closer I am to God, the desires of my heart will change according to His will. My desire for years has been to have children. We didn't get to keep our first child and now I'm 34 weeks pregnant with our second child and I still spend nights and days wondering if I will ever get to hold her while she is alive. In my arms. Does anyone else have issues handing their lives over to God completely and saying 'I'm cool with whatever." basically? are you still going through it or was there something that brought you through that 'funk'? advice you could give me?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

25 days!

We've got 25 days still Claire makes her appearance into the world. We are SOOO excited! I'm ready to not be in any pain. I know I will still hurt after she's born..believe me! I know it'll hurt! As Claire's birthday gets closer, I am taken back to images of Ella's birth time. I remember the nurse asking me if I wanted to sleep in my own pool of blood till the morning..well, basically. ICK! Who'd say yes?!?! I had just given birth to my deceased child and she thought I'd wanna do that!

Joe's at a football game today. It's homecoming for UCM so people are pretty darn excited around here.  We met with the involvement minister at the church earlier this week. I'm excited for where they will find a spot for me to serve based on the areas I thought I was most gifted...mostly with children. I helped with watching 2 year olds at the church we attended in Moberly. it was fun, exhausting at times but fun. It was very rewarding to have a kid run up to you and give you a hug! I miss it to be quite honest.

Monday, Joe and I are gonna meet up with some college friends (hopefully) from moberly. I still miss moberly, not gonna lie. However, Warrensburg IS starting to feel a bit more like home. It'd sure help the process if Joe could find a job. He got turned down for a couple more last week...well, more than a couple I'd say..he'd call about applications he'd put in prior, no hiring!

I have been doing a better job at keeping blood sugars under control. So, that makes things less scary. I am still nervous though. We are excited that we have such a short time till Claire is here but about the same time Claire will be here, Ella passed away. So I'm full of mixed emotion. I want to be pregnant as long as possible but at the same time I want her to be born. I'm scared we may only get the pregnancy part as we did with Ella. Joe and I sit and think of what Claire will be like when she's born. We wonder how tan she will be, if she will be tan like her sister, if she will look like her sister at all, will she be tall or shorter? I think you can tell from the picture of Ella, she didn't look only a quarter Asian, she looked like she was completely Asian.

Satan has definitely found ways into my thoughts these last few weeks. There are times I forget we might actually get to keep her after she's born. I forget we might actually take her home, like the pregnancy is all we're going to get and then life goes on as 'normal' again. It was anything but normal after Ella passed away though. I feel bad that we have chosen to bring another child into this world of imperfection and pain when her sister is in a PERFECT place. As a mother, I just want the best for my children. I wonder, should I be happy Claire is coming? She's going to experience so much pain! But then I had a friend remind me that children are a blessing from the Lord. The devil has totally been hitting me in my week children. I still feel guilty for Ella's death, as if I did something wrong. Since they couldn't find anything wrong with her, there must have been something wrong with me that caused it. Thats my conclusion anyway, right or wrong.

Please keep Joe and I in prayer these last few weeks. We are going to be edgy, nervous and everything that goes along with it. I have been praying for peace as the time gets closer to her birth, and even after she's born. I can see myself being a nervous momma.

Isaiah 26:3 (New Living Translation)

 3 You will keep in perfect peace
      all who trust in you,
      all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

Monday, October 18, 2010

It's Monday!

Time for a Claire update! She got a perfect 10 again today! The doctor rates her on a scale 1-10.  She's doing awesome! She was a little resistant to move during the ultrasound but she picked it up during the non-stress test! My blood glucose levels have been better this week but there is always room for more their is for anything in life. 

Both the nurse and doctor are confident this pregnancy will be successful. The doctor said there is over a 99% chance this baby will be okay, and a less than 1% chance she won't be. We are both aware that life isn't promised though. We are aware but bad things can happen.  We are so excited to come home with a baby in our arms!  We have one month till she's born. Her birthday is November 18th! She'll be here pretty early that morning. We've only got 4 more doctor appointments (at least with Dr Grant) till she comes!

Hearing that the doctor feels confident that everything will be okay kind of restores my joy in this pregnancy. I think I ought to be more joyous! I have about 4 weeks of pregnancy left. I want to be able to enjoy it as much as I can...including Joe as well. 

Speaking of Joe, he still hasn't heard about the papa johns job yet. We thought the manager was going to call today but hopefully he was just busy or something. wishful thinking much...

Saturday, October 16, 2010

to quote..kinda

I just read the blog of someone whom I do not know but she has lost 4 children so there is kind of some 'baby lost' connection there. She was talking about how people would through Romans 8:28 at her looking to comfort her. For those who do not know what Romans 8:28 says

28"And we know that [a]God causes (A)all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are (B)called according to His purpose." (NASB)

She was talking about how if you are going to say that to someone going through a hard time, you had better believe it in your own life when bad things happen. To those going through the death of a child it almost feels like punishment to hear that verse. I know I spent many nights wondering what I did wrong to have a child taken from me. 

I have already had some breakdowns today. I'm missing my baby Ella. I hope and pray (literally of course) her sister Claire gets to join her daddy and me in a little over a month alive and healthy. I pray we get to take her home from the hospital when I get released, that she will not have to stay after I leave. I dread the thought of leaving the hospital empty handed again

Friday, October 15, 2010

I've been scared straight!

The doctor made changes to my insulin dosage on Monday.  He told me to call his nurse on Thursday (yesterday) to tell her what my sugar levels have been since he changed the dosage on Monday. She told me that they weren't tight enough. I admitted that I think a lot of it is my fault. I am trying to keep my sugars under wraps but not tightly enough I feel. She told me to try a stricter diet to see if it really is me just  lacking the 'food control'. She told me that if its not controlled better in this last 5 weeks it could result in 'serious complications for the baby'. I asked her what she meant exactly, I know she did not want to tell me and I was honestly a little afraid to ask (as high enough sugars can lead to a baby in the womb dying). She told me that a lot of babies born to mommies who have high blood sugars often end up in the NICU when they are born. She told me that when the baby is born and the doctor (or husband) cuts the umbilical cord, that its cutting the baby off from the high sugars he/she is used to getting from his/her mom. She said often you'll see a baby's hands shake from their sugars being messed up and they end up in the NICU on kind of a...sugar drip I guess is the easiest way to explain it trying to ween the baby off having high sugars. Joe graciously (I think it was gracious anyway) offered to do this tightening of diet thing right along with me. He told me he didn't have a problem doing it for the next  5 weeks . I told him I am honestly disappointed in myself that I haven't done a better job over the last few months I've been carrying Claire. We know what its like to lose a child and I told myself if I ever got pregnant again I would take care of myself to ensure we would NOT lose another. Now, I can't say my blood sugar was to blame for Ella's death but since we will never know for sure of course I wonder. 

In other news, Joe's job interview went well. He doesn't know if he got the job. He said he is confident he will get it though. It turns out they are looking for a 'relief guy'. Like if someone wants to go on vacation or is sick or something so he won't get as many hours as he was hoping for, but its a job so its definitely more than we have now! I went shopping this morning with one of the ladies in my small group on Sundays. She has 2 small boys so she was informational with parenting advice. At this point, its definitely what I long for. It was good to get to know someone better too. Lately, I've been feeling sort of lonesome being so far away from my college friends. 

Thursday, October 14, 2010

washing clothes...

I finally took the plunge I've been dreading. I washed baby clothes last night. I did a basket full. I was dreading it because I didn't want to get all set up for a baby that might not come..again. Joe and I went through the clothes last night, deciding what to wash. It brought up memories. Some good, exciting and yet really sad all at once. I remembered my baby showers with Ella, having no reason to doubt she was coming in a matter of months/weeks. I felt a definite reluctance about washing the clothes. Tomorrow afternoon a couple of ladies from the church are going to help me put Claire's room together. It seems all to surreal that she actually may be coming. I'm still not completely over the 'I'll just be pregnant with her and then things will end' phase yet. I don't know if I can explain that feeling to any one's satisfaction. 

Yesterday at our women's Bible study someone asked me if I have 'dedicated Claire yet'? She meant 'have you dedicated her to God.' I told her that I would like to think so but probably not when things are all said and done. I pray for my daughter everyday but somewhere in that prayer is 'God, don't take her away from us too.' I think there have been times during this pregnancy I think I have told Him "do with her what you will" but its very difficult. 

Now, I know he doesn't need my permission to do anything in my life. I believe by not praying about our lives and giving ourselves to Christ we are missing out on a lot of blessing he wants to give us. I'm not saying he wanted my 1st daughter to die. In His original plan nobody would die. Bad things happen in our lives now, and he works through them for the good if we let him. 

I need some Biblically based opinion. Am I wrong in how I pray? I just mean, where's the difference between praying with boldness and praying for God's will to be done? I hope that made sense. Maybe I'm trying to say, how do I pray with boldness but yet be open to His will?

Monday, October 11, 2010

update time!

Claire is doing wonderful! She was VERY active today. The doctor told me my pelvis is spreading. Baby is on her way. Not right now, I'm only 32 weeks but it won't be much longer I assume. She is weighing in at 4 lbs and 12 ounces. She's getting to be a big girl. She was active today during the non stress test and the ultrasound. During the n.t.s. she had hiccups, for about 5-10 minutes straight she had them. I didn't know it was humanly possible to have them for that long and that consistently. I'm a little over 32 weeks. It's getting  hard as the weeks are coming to a close. Her birthday is coming up in 38 days I believe. I asked the doctor today how high my sugar has to be and for how long until the baby is effected or we lose another one. He told me there isn't a specific answer to that question but as long as the baby is moving fine, and my biophysical profiles (tests they do every week) are a perfect 10 then the baby is fine and we most likely will not lose another baby.

Last night I was in so much pain trying to move around in bed. I think I was trying to switch sides. It was miserable! I didn't have that pain with Ella so its kinda hard to get used to.

Joe has a job interview this week!

Keep us in prayer please. for things to work out financially and to calm down the rest of this pregnancy and not be so...uptight

Thursday, October 7, 2010


As Claire's birthday draws ever closer (6 weeks from today actually), and with hearing of so many babies dying lately its been rough on both Joe and I.  We're both having a hard time with worry and anxiety. I am so excited to meet our daughter but kind of dreading it all at once. I'm afraid she might not be alive when she's born. Now,at 32 weeks along (tomorrow anyway) I have no reason to think she won't be alive logically. It's just hard to let go of the past I suppose. I'm afraid that she may never taste breath, like her big sister didn't. We thought at this far along with Ella, there was nothing wrong either. Watching someone else go through baby loss recently has made remember what it was like for me. I remember not being able to breathe. At least not feeling like I could breathe. I remember one particular day wanting to fall asleep but I couldn't manage to stay asleep. I felt like if I drifted off, I would stop breathing. It was a hard time. I remember someone being upset with me because I couldn't let myself be around babies (especially baby girls) and feeling like even worse of a person because I couldn't bear to be there as a friend. I remember someone telling me I was dealing with things all wrong(the way I took it anyway)

I have forgiven this person and understand she was just trying to help. I just don't want to experience these feelings again with another baby. I still wonder what life would be like with a year old + baby and expecting her little sister in 6 weeks. I would probably be busy beyond belief!  Now, I have just been taking it easy, trying to relax and keep calm waiting for baby to arrive. Am I even doing that well?  I wonder if I weren't more busy if I would have less room to worry. I miss being with friends...I miss being able to go across town just to have someone to talk to and be with for awhile while Joe's at work. I miss Joe having a job and having a steady income. Does that sound stupid? Anybody want to make a trip to Warrensburg?

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Claire update!

Yesterday I had my appointment in Columbia. We did the same thing as we have been doing for like a month or so, non-stress test and an ultrasound, talk to the doctor and we leave. The baby is still doing well! Thank God for that! She took a little longer on the non stress test machine than normal to do all her movements and stuff but she eventually got the mission accomplished! The doctor says she is looking great!
We made a trip to Moberly after my appointments. I think it was much needed for the both of us. We went to go see Joe's sister, Amber, Daniel and our nephew. It was nice to see them again. We didn't get to see Amber and Daniel for too long. It was a couple minutes I'd say. After we left there, I went to Emily's house to see her and Ebony. Sara came for awhile too! It was nice. I felt rejuvenated at the same time, sad to leave. I knew everything there. Before we left town, I thought I was so ready to leave. Now, I kinda wonder what I was thinking wholly. I'm not saying I don't like it here, I totally do. I just think I'll feel better when I'm more familiar with the town and more with the people. It still feels new. I kind of like that familiar feeling. It was easier for me to make friends in Moberly because of school. The first two years I was there, I lived in a dorm with a lot of other girls so I had pretty much no choice but to meet people (which I am not complaining about at all!) This time is different, I'm married and live in an apartment complex, where its easy to ignore one another and/or only see each other every once in awhile.
Before we left, we went to look at our old house. It's been renovated! It got longer and has concrete underneath it. Things have changed in town since we left. We visited Pizza Hut where Joe used to work. We ended up staying there a little too late and didn't get home till around 1:30. I'm pretty tired today. 
We are getting pretty discouraged as Joe can't seem to get a job. I've been praying for it since before we even moved here and it has yet to happen. I came to realize that maybe I am being kinda prideful, thinking that since I have been asking for so long. But what about asking with boldness? And asking anything in His name? I don't feel like I'm being selfish in this request totally. I mean, I want to be able to pay our bills and buy diapers when the baby comes. I want Joe to be able to feel like he's contributing. I don't think its fair that we should depend on others to support us when they have to support themselves too. It's just frustrating. But praise God we are being taken care of. Things are more tough than I'd like them to be but I know this too shall pass.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

new loss...

Yesterday Joe got a call from Daniel. The guy that was staying with us in Moberly for awhile. His wife (our step niece) had a baby at 29 weeks. He lived for a week I think. It was heartbreaking to hear. It sort of took us back to that place where we first lost Ella. We both felt like we needed to do something, but being 2 hours away with no job, we can't really do anything besides pray. I'm not discounting the power of prayer. We just both felt so helpless! We both feel more on-edge I think as it comes closer to Claire's birth. It's hard to wait for her to be here, at the same time, I don't mind waiting just in case she doesn't make it beyond pregnancy. And, I really do like being pregnant. Sure, I complain about being sore (and I have been for weeks) but it's all worth it. Losing a child has definitely brought me some insight into appreciating my children more. I'm not condemning those who have never lost one (its HORRIBLE! I wouldn't wish it on anybody) and I'm sure you can appreciate a second child as much as a first. It just brought me a lot of insight. I miss our Ella. I wonder what life would be like with her here, to have two little girls here instead of one, to not have to think about STILL needing to get a headstone.