Wednesday, September 21, 2011


So, I will admit (finally) to the few of those who read this, I've been living in fear! There have been times in the past 2 years that it has been better & sometimes worse with living in fear & anxiety.

The fear I've been carrying so long is of something horrible happening to me. Namely, death. I have this fear since our first baby died so suddenly so will I. Logical or not thats how I feel. I have been diabetic since who knows when so thats pretty scary! I wonder "will I go blind?" "have a leg amputated?"It's pretty much an ongoing battle..and I pretty much never win. I've really been struggling for quite awhile. It effects my attitude, my mood & even the way I treat Joe & Claire. I've been the kind of person to say "I don't believe "you" should let your mood effect the way "you" treat others but here I am doing it. I think of those who don't have husbands & consider I should be more careful with the way I treat him. After Ella died, I would ger so mad when I saw a parent mistreating their children.

I've been struggling a lot with faith too. I know either way, one has to have faith what we believe is true. When I seek & find..I want more..then a thought that makes me skeptical pops ito my head. I don't remember being wavering this much in my faith since after Ella died.

I've had all these weird pains. It's pretty scary. I still ask for prayer but personally, its hard for me to pray right now


  1. Dear Ashley, I know what it's like to doubt and fear. I also know what it's like to need someone to have faith for me when my faith seems non existent. I once had a friend who said, "You will get to the other side of this mountain. I know you will get through this difficult season." I felt like it was easy for her to say, but so far from reality to me. Now, I sit on the other side of that mountain, am I'm so thankful that she had faith when mine was wavering. I've never met you. I just came across your blog from (in)courage. But tonight, I will say a prayer in faith on your behalf, that God would reveal himself to you int he deepest parts of your soul and that He will calm your fears in the process.

    Blessings to you sister,

    Monique Zackery

  2. Thank you! I go through times where I don't know how I get through without people praying for me :)It's like I can feel the prayers..if that makes any sense