Friday, December 31, 2010

A new year!

Happy new year everyone! Hope everyone has a good night tonight and stays safe. As for me and my family, we are home watching television and thinking about sleep.

I was relieved last year when the year of '09 had ended but at the same time saddened. 2009 was "Ella's" year. It was nice to be able to say 'goodbye' to all that hurt and pain, the pain of losing her will never be totally gone though. I felt sad because I felt like I was letting her go. I know that isn't logical at all but thats how I felt. Having Claire has definitely eased some of the pain. Well, I'd say having her eased the hole in our hearts where we longed to have a child to care for. I feel guilty at times for feeling overwhelmed still. I know its horrible, but there were times I would think "I wish you weren't ever born". Now I know I didn't mean this when I thought it..if that makes sense. I am ashamed to say that. I think it was partially due to hormones and also I was (and still get) frustrated because I should have had an idea how to parent Claire when she came home. I was supposed to have Ella. Then again, if Ella had been born and things were fine, I wonder if Claire would have made it here. I know I've said that before but I still can't get over it. I wonder what God's plan is for Claire. I'm not saying God "made" Ella die. I am saying that he didn't stop it and is going to and has been working through losing our firstborn.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Claire's first Christmas

We didn't do much of anything today. We didn't travel, we already did last week. We don't have any family here in Warrensburg so we just stayed home! Joe made us omelets this morning for breakfast, he made some of kind of dip and we're gonna eat roast here in a couple hours (it took a long time to cook). Claire slept a lot better last night than she had been. She only woke up once in the middle of the night to eat! I was excited. She was up about 6 or 7 am, went back to sleep and then woke up again an hour later. I took a few pictures of her to commemorate this day and then she went to sleep soon afterwards. She's in her seat now that vibrates! I think she took a little nap in it. She's still having trouble sleeping alone so I was excited that she slept in it. Her daddy must have the touch. He put her down in it after she fell asleep and she stayed asleep, if I do it she wakes up! I wonder if when we went on our trips last week I kind of set her back on the whole 'lets get you to sleep alone.' thing. Our sleeping was a lot different than it is at home. Joe and I slept in different beds most of the time and the baby was with me.
Sleeping issues aside, our trips were well needed I think. People got to meet Claire who hadn't before. It was nice for them and nice for me too. I appreciated the extra help and appreciated feeling like I have a life outside my apartment again.  I still find it hard to take in sometimes that I get to be someone's mommy. There are times I wonder if I will mess her up. I wonder how I will get through the stages we will go through as she gets older. I guess thats just something you learn as you go..maybe? I wonder how Joe and I will tell her about Ella and explain that she is in Heaven in a way that she will understand.
I know I do not HAVE to worry. In fact, I am told not to but I can't seem to shake it. I try to hand over my issues to God but I guess that doesn't seem to be enough somehow. You'd think it would be. After all, he did get me through the loss of one child and allowed me to birth a perfectly healthy (live) baby. Even the other day he was still proving himself to me. Claire hadn't dirtied her diaper yet and Joe and I were kind of scared about that fact. I prayed that God would allow her to..dirty it so we wouldn't worry and like 5-10 minutes later she did! I am finding it easier to do things that I liked doing before the baby was born, such as read a book. I may not be able to sit down and read whenever I want but I can in the middle the of the night while I'm nursing! I'm starting to get the hang of this mom thing

Thursday, December 23, 2010

being on both sides of loss

really is bittersweet. It's heart wrenching. Claire hadn't pooped in awhile that Joe and I noticed and it was scary. I said a prayer for her in my head as I was making Joe cookies (He turned 25 today). Both my doctors offices are closed and Claire's pediatrician's office is closed as well. I was getting ready to call the 'on call' pediatrician and Joe told me she made a stinky fart! It turned out that she had actually pooped. I know it seems stupid to rejoice when your kid poops but for a baby thats a big deal. I was praising God when I heard she pooped (and as I was changing her diaper).
Losing Ella has really taught me a whole new perspective on things. As Christmas approaches, I think about Ella more. What would life look like if we had both girls with us? (assuming Claire would have came too even if Ella had lived) Claire really is a big blessing, I can't hardly stand the thought of her not being here. Instead of saying "I have to wake up with Claire in the middle of the night." I instead want to put a whole new perspective on it. " I get to wake up with her" Last year we didn't get that. I didn't get to experience waking up during the night with a newborn. I didn't get the cuddles and kisses (I think Claire seems she likes to suck on my lips or whatever she can stick in her mouth)
Claire will turn 6 weeks old this coming Tuesday..CrAzY!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

we're back

we got back from our 'trips' yesterday. Being away for awhile was nice but at the same time, we were gone so long I was super ready to be home. The baby did really good last night. She woke up at like 5:30am to eat. However, she didn't sleep on her own last night. We put her in the cradle when she fell asleep and each time she woke up shortly after crying. I wonder if it had anything to do with having different sleeping arrangements while we were gone from home. I'm hoping she gets back to normal quickly. She is making new noises, they are so adorable. I feel like I continue to fall more in love with her every day. Is it weird that I like the smell of her breath? I like it when she breaths on me so I can smell it..I know thats probably weird. I want to get involved in a MOPS group or something. Something that will get me out of the house. It's easy for me to feel secluded and get depressed if I'm alone a lot.

I've been thinking of Ella more lately. People who we would visit with would call Claire "Ella". Well, some people did...not a lot.I'm not saying I'm mad about it or anything. There are times I want to call her Ella. I wonder how I would have dealt with having two girls. I wonder how I'd deal with a year old and a month old. Then again, If Ella would have made it, would we have Claire? What was God's plan when we took Ella back and gave us the desire to try for another baby? I love Claire so much. I wouldn't want to live life without her.

Monday, December 20, 2010

taking a break..

from home that is.we left last Thursday after Claire's pediatrician appointment. (Which went very well)
she weighs 7 lbs and almost 2 ounces now. she's still a little small for her age but she came early and well, joe and I aren't the tallest either. we came to moberly, stayed there for the night and then went on to Illinois.
my 3 year old nephew kept asking me if claire is my baby and when I said yes he said something like 'baby go by by' or something like that. He didn't appreciate Claire getting attention because that meant he isn't the baby grandchild anymore. When he saw my mom holding Claire he reached his arms out to her and said 'no. hold me!!!' I admit, it was kinda cute. we are back in moberly until tomorrow and then its homeward bound!

when I am at home a lot I feel like I need to get outta the house, now that I've been gone, I want to go home! I don't know what it is..but it seems like that's always the way it goes

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

oh life..

Continues to be a wild ride! I fall in love with our little baby a little more everyday. Claire amazes me everyday with the things she does and the cute noises she makes. She's changed so much in the past month in the way she looks. Typically she doesn't wake up during the night a lot to eat. She has her "spurts" where she wants to nurse frequently. I'm getting the hang of being a momma more. Reading baby's cues has gotten a little easier-when it comes to learning what she likes anyway (such as position to be held in)
I have to say, I enjoy being a mommy rather than not. At first I was overwhelmed because I felt like I didn't have time to do the things I used to do before she was born and it seemed like Joe did. I would feel guilty if I took any time just to take a break from being mommy and part of me still does but I'm learning to let Joe share the responsibility of taking care of her.  There is part of me that feels guilty for feeling guilty when I get overwhelmed because of losing Ella. I feel like since we lost one I shouldn't feel overwhelmed. 

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

the days just keep going faster..

it seems like since the day Claire was born every day just goes by so fast! I love being her mommy. I hope I don't mess it up! She's got baby acne pretty bad but I am told that it doesn't last long so thats good and it doesn't seem to be bothering her any. She still has trouble sleeping on her own. She rarely (or so it seems) can bear to be put down. I am working on that though..I'm trying to put her down more often lately (well, really recently) until she cries..sometimes she lasts longer than the last time she was put down so I think its some kind of progress! I don't have that much time to clean the apartment and the things I did when I was pregnant (such as read a book) I have no time for anymore. At first, I gotta admit, I was a little resentful for but I think that was just the feeling of being overwhelmed with taking care of this new little person. I felt bad for feeling angry. We lost our first child so therefore, I felt like I shouldn't feel overwhelmed and stressed when Claire came along. Second, I realize Claire only cries when she needs something, and isn't trying to bring stress on me. I felt bad for being mad. I dunno if this even makes sense. I'm hoping you all will see my feelings as normal and they don't make me some horrible person. I realize my hormones are trying to balance themselves as well so its making things a little difficult. We are adjusting better now though I'd say. Yesterday a friend treated Joe and I to lunch. It was really nice to get outta the house and feel like a real person (as well as a mommy) again.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

coming close to week 3 with Claire

she'll be 3 weeks old this coming Tuesday. Last night she slept a little better than the night before. She still hates to sleep alone. I wonder when that will end. One of us constantly has to be there while she is sleeping in order to be content. I am told it will get better but I just wonder when and how. If I can't put her down for a nap without her whining, I don't know how it will get any better. I guess thats just my ignorance as her mommy. I hope anyway

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Claire bear!

is doing great! she's gained 6 ounces since birth! she sleeps most of the day and into the evening. we are awake the majority of the night so she can eat.I wonder if she' hit a growth spurt..always hungry! she is a very cuddly baby. she doesn't appreciate being put down a lot. I'm glad though. I think it'd break my heart to have a baby who just wanted to be left alone. We are sorta getting used to having this new person in our lives & adjusting to life with her.

when I look at her, I'm overwhelmed she's here. I forget i'm not pregnant anymore. Just last night I had to remind myself. Joe is adjusting more easily too. we have "shifts" with the baby.I sleep for a few hrs at night and tackle from about 12-9am..joe goes to school. Then we work together the rest of the day.

well, thats all for now

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

baby Claire!

Our whole lives have changed..for the better of course! We are trying to get used to a routine. I take naps during the day and stay up with Claire at night. Joe goes back to school next week so we're trying to keep the transition easier on him too. I love cuddling with my little Clairebear!  I've heard conflicting advice about holding her while she sleeps. Some say she can get used to it and start to take advantage of it..some say quite frankly..she's too young to catch onto something like that. I love having 'mommy/Claire" time in the middle of the night. So, getting out of bed is hard at times but once I sit there and hold her, I'm almost glad she woke that bad?

It's been hard adjusting..but not as bad as like last week when she was born.  Sometimes I look at her or think of her and think 'wow. she's really here. I'm not pregnant anymore.' Sometimes during the pregnancy I felt like I would never not be pregnant. I have had some crazy emotions as of late. I have had thoughts of 'why did we have her?' "can we be adequate parents?' "ready for this responsibility?"I know that these..questions aren't really my emotions..which is kinda nuts but comforting all at once. I know my hormones are messing with me. I'm excited for them to get back to normal. I love my baby. I know I love her, I just want to feel it. Ya know? I'm tired of wondering/worrying about the future. I see commercials on tv about children at st. jude's with cancer..and think..will that one day be Claire? Will she die of sids?  its been rough. but I know with God on our side, we will be alright and thats super comforting.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

we're home!

We got home yesterday around 2 or 3 (I think). She slept a lot of the afternoon. Of course, she eats and poops as well. She does both..a lot! She is starting to get the hang of nursing.  I try to dominantly nurse. If anyone of you reading this is a mom, I hope you understand that the beginning is very overwhelming so when it seems like she's not getting enough or is just too fussy we give her formula. I had planned to ONLY nurse when I was pregnant but this past year or so has shown me not all things go as planned.

She slept pretty crappy last night, but she is a newborn so thats to be expected right? right? :) She woke up every hour for the majority of the night then she slept for 5 hours at a time! It was amazing and we have only had her at home for one night, but to us it felt great to get 5 consecutive hours again. We both sort of had emotional breakdowns last night, but surprisingly, it sort of made us feel better to get those emotions out.

She is now on daddy's lap sleeping and mommy needs to wake her up to eat here in a bit, its going to take a lot  more discipline on my part (mostly) to keep her on a schedule. Someone advised me though that its better to get them on a schedule at about a month old. Any advice? Conflicting or agreeing? Any good books I should read on raising a newborn to sort make life NOT so overwhelming?

Thursday, November 18, 2010


Our baby girl is here!!! she came on tuesday @ 1:07pm. She weighed 6 lbs 6 ounces and was 18 3/4 inches long! She's a good baby. Of course she sleeps a lot..and poops! She was given a little bit of oxygen after birth but the doctor isn't concerned at all that she is going to have respiratory issues. I shouldn't be on here long as baby girl keeps waking up from her slumber (its time to nurse in a bit anyway)

When she gets frustrated, her whole body turns beat red. It kind of scared us to be honest but the nurses and doctors don't show any concern and I don't have ANY medical knowledge so I guess I'm just being a paranoid momma. Tuesday night she slept in my room with us. she only woke up twice in the middle of the night, and that was cause she was hungry I think (of course I feed her in the middle of the night) Life has changed a lot in the last two days! It's a scary but a very welcomed change. We are still kinda overwhelmed I think that we have been given this baby. We are sort of scared to take her home because we are responsible for her and apparently are supposed to know whats best..but we're a little scared of messing it up. At the same time, I'm excited to get our new lives started, get out of this gown and this room.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

getting ready

Well, yesterday the day went by fairly quickly. We had my doctor appointments yesterday. They went well! The baby is doing awesome. She even moved a lot during the monitoring last night. She kept scooting away from the monitor. I got stuck 5 times before the IV finally went in..and even that wasn't good enough. The doctor wanted it moved to a better spot. So, now. i'm full of holes! I've got some bruises to show already.

We are now about 3 hours away from the surgery starting. I'm nervous! I was shaking a bit when the doctor was talking about the anathesia (sp). I hate that I have to be totally numb and then feel pain. It'll all be worth it when I hear Claire cry though! I am still trying to process seeing our baby alive and just holding her.

Please pray for us! Please pray for the procedure to go quickly, smoothly, and safely for all of us (joe will be joining me in the room. I'm scared for him a bit too)

Sunday, November 14, 2010


is my last day for baby appointments. It seems sort of surreal. We go to my appointments tomorrow afternoon like normal. I have the one where they check my blood pressure and the doctor measures my belly and checks Claire's heartbeat. The next one we will go to is a little more 'in depth'. They will do a ultrasound and then a non stress test. I meet with the specialist to talk blood sugar talk and probably last minute "be prepared that...could happen since we are pulling her out early"

Things are going so well though that I don't think anything bad will happen. Well, I think I will feel better tomorrow to be quite honest. Joe has asked me in the last couple days "do you have that feeling you had with Ella that something is wrong?" I think I do but I don't. Maybe the reason I do is because its the sort of thing that once you've been burned..your more..cautious next time. I hope that made sense. I don't think that we won't bring her I did with Ella. I remember thinking to myself "what will happen that we won't bring this baby home?" shortly before she was born.

Now, it seems like it could happen. It seems more feasible to me this time but it is still sort of unbelievable. Maybe I'm just so overwhelmed that we are FINALLY having a baby. I am less than 2 days away from delivering Claire and I've been having lots of different emotions. And lots of weird dreams in the past couple days in particular.  I don't know that I will be able to update my blog until after the baby is here after today..Joe and I plan to leave for Columbia as soon as his class is over. I will give details later can count on it. I'd say look forward to something towards the end of the week when I feel not so..drugged up!

Friday, November 12, 2010

we are down to...

4 days until Claire is here! We are getting more and more anxious. We cannot wait for the weekend to be over! Not that we don't appreciate the days we have been given on this earth and some people would tell me "hey, this is the last chance of freedom you'll get for 18 years! why not enjoy it?" but frankly my dear, I don't care. I want to be a mommy. I have already had one child taken from me, missed out on one little life, missed out on kisses and hugs and "I love you mommy" from one little girl. I don't want to miss out from it with another.
So far, things are going really well with Claire. She is doing great! I'm 37 weeks today and she is still very active! Which is awesome, because, as you know, I am very short (less than 5 feet tall) and she doesn't have a lot of room. I find it totally a God thing that she has been moving so much. I am trying to take care of myself because I know what I do in the last few days of this pregnancy effects her immensely.
I know I could because I have before, but I really don't know what life would be like if we lost another baby. I've already experienced days/nights of extreme loneliness (even with Joe right beside me). Feelings of loneliness had nothing to do with Joe actually and everything to do with our child missing. She was in my body at one time (9 months is a long time to get used to supporting another person) and one day she was taken from me, never to return..this side of Heaven anyway.
Last night, Joe and I were just sitting on the couch and he said he felt like something is missing. I feel like it too, I know its our first daughter. With our new daughter coming, there is somewhat a feeling of guilt for me. I mean, I didn't know Ella was going to die (logically I had no clue.but internally, I think the Spirit was trying to warn me) so I didn't take the time with her I would have, had I known she was only going to be with us 37 short weeks. As soon as I knew Claire could hear me I was more involved with her. As in talking to her, and rubbing her telling her I love her. I wonder, did Ella know I love her? Did she think I didn't care so she just gave up on life? I still ask myself...why did my baby have to go when people who are 'lots more diabetic than me' got to keep their babies? It hurts to know that everyday of life for the rest of our lives there is going to be a family member missing. Now, some of you may think "well, Claire will be there so it's going to be easier" I would say its true but false all at once. Yes, having Claire here (outside the womb) will make life more..happy and joyful but sometimes I can't help but think about what Claire will miss out on..a big sister. She will be the big sister to our younger kids (if we have them. It depends on what God says about that obviously) we will miss out on one more child we could have had..playing at a park with us...or renting a movie and watching it. Catch my drift? I'm not saying any of this out of anger against people. I think it may be just the situation..and as we get closer to Claire's birthday, my emotions are starting to scatter I think.

I decided not to take a break from facebook. Last night, I received a lot of encouragement I really needed from  people on chat on facebook.

Joe has been having a hard time. Last night I woke up coughing so I drank some water. This morning he told me he was scared I couldn't feel the baby move and thats why I was drinking water. Once I started coughing she woke up and I could totally feel her moving. Wednesday we heard a sermon we needed to hear a lot! It seemed like the power of those Scriptures that were read did not last long though. Or maybe its because Satan is a liar and out "roaming looking for someone to devour"

Wednesday morning I saw the power of God through one of the ladies' lives in my small group at the church. It was awesome and I'm glad she shared because it had to do with child loss and a question I had been struggling with since we had lost our baby.  It just seems like its easier to forget the good things and remember the bad in life..why is that? it seems so unfair!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

it's thursday

Which means! We have 5 days till baby girl is here! It seems increasingly unreal to be honest. I may try to take some time away from facebook. I am "friends" with "faces of loss. faces of hope" on facebook. It's a group of women who have experienced baby loss. Whether it be stillbirth, miscarriage, infant death..Yesterday I got on my facebook page and on the newsfeed a story popped up about how a lady lost her baby to a umbilical cord accident. She was about as far along as I am it sounded like in the story. As tragic as that is and sad to hear, I don't want to put myself in the way of those stories. Does that make me selfish? Since I read the story, I have been wondering if Claire will tie herself up in her cord. I know its probably not likely but I still wonder.

Last night, Joe and I went to CCH for the first time in 3 weeks I believe. It was just what we needed at just the right time. The preacher there as been talking about the sermon on the mount. Last night we talked about worry (matthew 6).  Yesterday morning I had my last meeting with the Bible study group I had been attending and we talked about worry too and how God provides for us! I think God is trying to tell me something =)

This morning, a woman from that study brought over groceries for Joe and I. We also received financial help from the church we are now attending. We are blessed! I think God has been providing so much at just the right time. Do you ever feel like that? I mean, here we are 5 days away from the birth of our baby girl and I personally am scared. I am constantly asking myself "is she moving normally?" I think he's trying to help calm our nerves. I talked to my younger sister last night. She suggested I just watch funny movies the rest of the week! I do agree that doing that would probably keep my emotions on the higher end of the spectrum.

Now for some "worry" quotes
"if I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I'd have fewer imaginary ones."Don Herold

Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.  ~Author Unknown

Let us be of good cheer, remembering that the misfortunes hardest to bear are those which will never happen.  ~James Russel Lowell

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.  ~Leo Buscaglia

Troubles are a lot like people - they grow bigger if you nurse them.  ~Author Unknown

I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and abundance.  Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep getting a busy signal - and soon they'll forget my number.  ~Edith Armstrong

Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.  ~Glenn Turner

Worry bankrupts the spirit.  ~Berri Clove

Now, what have we learned here? That worrying is stupid!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

one more week!

We got our laptop back today so I can update you all on whats going on now! The adapter or something wasn't working, thankfully it was under warranty so it didn't cost us anything to get a new adapter that actually works.

We had a couple of doctor appointments in Columbia yesterday. We had of course the one with the high risk specialist and one with my obstetrician.  The baby is doing really well! My blood sugars are the best they have been in a long time which was awesome to hear. Claire was active during both the ultrasound and her non stress test. She did her practice breathing with no issues or the nurse having to start over to count again so that was nice.  The high risk specialist told us yesterday that he feels like there could be a small chance the baby could have respiratory issues when she is born. He said that he feels like there is probably only a 4% chance of that though. He said with the way things are going, he feels like there is a 96% chance things will be okay and she won't require any breathing assistance at all. I am praying the latter case is how things will go. Wanna pray with me? Just for the next week?  He said that even if she does end up in the NICU, he feels like she wouldn't need to be in there very long and would probably come home at the same time I will be coming home. We are over the moon excited for this baby to be here. We are apprehensive of course to wanna just rush through this week (well, I know I am). I know it could be the last week we spend with our baby girl. I'm really trying not to think that way though. The other night Joe was setting up the cradle. He needed his tool box so I went in the other room to bring it to him. I caught myself thinking "why are you doing this? She's not gonna make it home, your just setting yourself up for disappointment." I told myself to stop thinking those thoughts, that they are lies from satan just to tear me down. He's really been trying to tear me down this pregnancy and has unfortunately succeeded at times. I dusted the living room today! that was something on my list to get done before the baby comes home with us. Mission accomplished!!! Now, I just need to clean her room, Joe is gonna wash some more clothes this weekend, We need to pack our hospital bag (a week's worth of stuff) it feels sort of like we're going on a trip. I'm hoping i will get to see some of my family next week I don't normally see. I know my sisters are coming and I believe my mom too. But I have some aunts and uncles  (cousins) that live in MO and am hoping they can make the trip to Columbia, even though it is a bit out of the way for them. It's even more out of the way for my mom and sisters though. It's a 2 hour trip! I'm grateful gas prices are no longer the way they were a few summers ago..over $3 for a gallon of gas, those were sad times :(

I got even more baby things Sunday at church. One woman even thought of me! She bought me a few things I could use now and after the baby gets here. We are still waiting for someone to tell Joe he can start working. Thats been sort of a bummer the last few months. However, we are thankful for the people God has placed in our lives to help provide for us while we are going through this 'Joe doesn't have a job " thing. We're used to him working 2 jobs so its sort of weird him being at home a lot. I will be thankful to have his help the week after next though when we come home from the hospital. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and really like spending time with him. I hope you didn't take it badly when I said I'd be thankful for this help here soon...

Saturday, November 6, 2010

I've got HIGH hopes, in the SKY hopes

well, shall I say I'm trying to stay positive. We have 10 days till our little bundle gets here. I'm ready for her to be here, SO Ready! 

I woke up at around 6:30 this morning..well, I assume. I remember being awake for awhile before I actually looked to see what time it was and when I did look, it was a minute till 7. I thought and thought about what if we lost Claire too. Thankfully she was awake at the same time and was moving around so that helped to bring me comfort. I finally resolved that I will no longer be a slave to fear. I don't want to live out the next 10 days out in fear. It's hard for me. As I said before, it's pretty much been determined (finally) why our sweet Ella died. I'm doing a lot better job with the diabetes this time. I'm taking insulin twice a day, and actually taking better control of my diet. It's not that the last time I was pregnant I didn't try to control my diet, I did. It was difficult because the bigger I got, the harder it got to control the blood sugar levels. I remember a salad (in this pregnancy) even made my sugar too high. It's very easy to want to compare myself to someone else too. The doctor told me she had seen women with much higher levels have perfectly fine babies, I wonder quite frequently why it had to be me to lose a baby if people who are seemingly worse off are having babies that are fine. I guess thats something I could learn from being cocky eh? Once I thought everything was okay, it definitely wasn't. I'm not saying that God wanted to 'teach me a lesson' for being cocky or anything. I'm just saying that it's just one of the many things I have learned from losing our baby. 

The other day at Bible study we were talking about whether or not we were disciplined in our personal lives. When I had my input, I was sort of surprised about what flew out of my mouth! I was telling the group of women at my table that I don't think I would actually practice discipline if I didn't have to. Being diabetic is a very serious disease! It gets even worse when a woman is pregnant, not only does it effect her but now her unborn child is involved. If I didn't have to take my insulin twice a day, check blood sugars 5 times a day, take vitamins, eat around the same time everyday and watch what I eat my life would probably not have any discipline whatsoever to be honest. I'm not saying I am thankful to have this disease, believe me! I'm not! but I am thankful that something is forcing me to practice self discipline. It has effected other areas in my life, well started to. If I don't put in Bible study time in the mornings, my day feels sort of 'off'. Do you know what I mean?  Sometimes I am guilty of thinking I am  doing God a disservice by not studying his Word. I think that I am doing it more for me to learn how to be a better disciple of His and to walk closer with Him. After such a tragic loss as the one we experienced last year, I find myself more desperate to be closer to God than I remember wanting to be in the past. Maybe it has something to do with the fact I just want to know the guy that holds on to my little baby more? I'm not saying I have an overwhelming hunger that cannot be quenched. I think we all know satan puts things in the way of getting closer to God. He might tell us 'we are better off than so and so in knowing Him. so we are fine'. It's easy to fall into that trap, especially after being in Bible college...not calling Bible college bad. It was SUCH a blessing to me..let me clarify that. 

I looked at the birthing rooms at the hospital where I will be having Claire the week after next. They look different than they did last year, or maybe its got something to do with the fact that I wasn't in a 'normal' room. They had 360* virtual tours on the webpage. I found myself growing more excited to have her by looking at the rooms. Is that dumb? It just felt more real for some reason. And like normal, satan saw a vulnerable spot for me and took advantage. "what if she doesn't make it?" "or has to be in the nicu?" "what if I don't get a happy birth experience like I've been praying for, for the past months?" These questions float around in my head frequently. 

Thursday, November 4, 2010

anxiously awaiting

I have 12 days till our baby girl is FINALLY here! It seems like we have waited so long for her. This pregnancy has been shortly long...I know thats an oxymoron but it seems that way. It's been short but long all at one time. It probably seems like its that way because I have no other children (or job) to focus on.

I'm sitting here thinking about the things I want to get done before she comes. Getting better organized, laundry, wiping things know, the stuff someone would do in the nesting period. However, with less than 2 weeks to go, I am tired and sore! I don't remember being sore like this with Ella. I am thankful for it! Don't get me wrong. I would rather have THE worst pregnancy known in history than have no Claire at all. I am just anticipating the day I won't feel sore and HUGE! I haven't taken a recent picture of my baby belly (36 weeks tomorrow). I told myself I would take more pictures throughout this pregnancy but I have yet to do it. I've taken one I think..well, Joe took it.

I am scared of having another  c section honestly. Well, maybe nervous is a better word to describe it. However, if its better and safer for the both of us than I am all for it. I just don't like being numb for hours, I don't like not being able to walk. Well, I had a really rough time walking after Ella was born for a few days. I've wondered if the pain from having the baby felt worse because I didn't really have anything good to focus on after she was born. I am finding myself more relaxed than I thought I would be this far into the pregnancy. It'd only be a short time till we lost our Ella in my last pregnancy. Like I said, I will be 36 weeks tomorrow and Ella died at almost 38 weeks along.

I was really encouraged to hear our high risk specialist to tell us everything is on track, my sugars are still high sometimes but everything with baby is on track. She's a good size, not too much fluid (a sign sugars are too high). I have been SO blessed during this pregnancy for her to be so healthy. I've obviously been scared during this pregnancy but it looks like its going to be one of those things where she is born and I wondered why in the world I ever worried and why I just didn't enjoy it the whole time...well, I'm praying it will be like that.

Joe's doing better I think. He's still anxious about her birth. It seems surreal to both of us. The idea of ACTUALLY taking a baby home and not being in that AWEFUL hospital room alone. A lot of the time when Ella was born someone was there but there were obviously the times people had to go home. I remember not sleeping a lot. The nurse offered me a sleep aid but I declined. I felt like I'd have nightmares. I'd rather have not slept than have nightmares. I remember closing my eyes and either seeing her or hearing 'mommy' in my head and crying. I'm sure there was real crying around me as other women were in labor and having babies. It was in my head though too.

Anyway, Its almost my lunch time (schedule!) so I'm going to stop writing. If anyone has any thoughts, questions or anything *not that I'm desperately asking or anything* but I know with infant death there are a lot of questions. Just shoot! I don't mind answering

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Claire's birthday

Has officially changed. She will be born November 16th at 12pm. I have 2 doctor appointments the day before in Columbia. So instead of driving back home Monday night and coming back to Columbia Wednesday night, we are just going to stay in the hospital Monday night and have our little girl the next day! So we are officially 2 weeks away as of today! YaY! we are SO excited, I know its only moved by 2 days but its still oober exciting!

The down side is, Joe will miss a little more school this way and my family that had planned to be there for the birth probably won't get to be. My mom is a nurse and my sister is a manager at a retail store so I don't know if they can get the time off they need. My other sister is going to see what she can work out. I do have a sister above her but she lives in Minnesota so I doubt she'll make the trip. 

My nephew is 17 today! wow! He's so tall too! I still remember his 'rat tail' he had as a toddler. Time really flies! I feel bad that I am not there to spend his birthday with him. I was there for a long time for his birthdays now we're 4 hours away from each other. My niece (who happens to be his sister) is having a birthday Dec. 21st. I may be able to make it for that one. It's really close to Christmas and we wanted to take Claire to Illinois to see her grandpa and her great grandma. Joe's birthday is the 23rd of December  . He wants to make a trip to Moberly to spend the day with his friends. I hope it works out that he will get to do what he wants to do for his birthday. I am excited to be a mommy and hold my baby in my arms in 2 weeks!!!

I found out a couple of my aunts have recently passed away. One of them was just getting up there in years as I understand it, and the other one had a brain tumor. My younger sister shared a 'story' with me I'd like to share with you about my aunt Nancy (she had the tumor)who passed away recently. My sister said Nancy had a dream she was on a train. She was a few rows back from my aunt Joyce (the older one) and everyone was wearing white. That was her way of learning my aunt Joyce was soon to die and my aunt Nancy was soon to follow. I don't remember if there was anymore detail to the story. I just remember being kind of amazed when Emily told me that. I believe God can speak to us through our dreams but I hadn't heard anyone having any dreams where they felt spoke to by God in awhile. Isn't that a cool story of reassurance? 

Monday, November 1, 2010

new Claire update!

The doctor appointment today went extremely well. The baby is weighing in at 5 lbs and 10 ounces. She got measured today. We have been getting measurements on her every 3 weeks for awhile now. My sugars are still staying relatively well controlled. The doctor said that the fluid level and her weight look great, right where they need to be. It is sort of surprising she is doing so well honestly. Since I am diabetic, that makes the baby bigger sometimes.

We talked about having the baby 2 days earlier. For us, it would just be more convenient to be quite honest. Having her delivered 2 days earlier would make our nerves more calm for sure. I know its only two days but it'd still be better for us. I feel bad because some of my family wanted to make it down for the birth. I want them to be here to see her shortly after she's here. I have to call my ob and see what she thinks about delivering the baby two days earlier than planned.  We wanted to talk to the high risk specialist before we made any serious decisions. He told me he didn't have a problem with me delivering anytime in the 37th week so that was nice to hear. He told me that the sooner a baby is delivered the more chance of respiratory issues (and the diabetes makes things worse) but at the same time, the longer she is inside me the more chance is might pass away its hard.

I'll have to let you know what happens tomorrow after I talk with my doctor.

getting closer!

We've got about 17 days till ms. Claire will be here. Unless she decides to make an appearance before then but part of me doubts she will.

I feel like we are more excited each passing day! She is still moving really well for not having hardly any room inside me and for me being so "abdominally challenged" (aka short). We have another doctor appointment today. There are only 3 days worth of doctor appointments left till she gets here! I will be seeing my OB next week for the last time until the baby comes. Time is running so short. I'm so ready to actually hold my baby girl. I feel like in a way, we have waited like 2 years for a baby.

In other news, we watched the 1 year olds yesterday at church. I enjoyed it and I think Joe did too. He was a little nervous at first I think but eventually he warmed up. He had a boy who just would not hardly let go of him both services. Well, it was a different boy each hour. It was cute. He just sat in the rocking chair the majority of the time trying to comfort the ones who just didn't want to be there. We got home and both definitely rested the rest of the day, we were so tired. We didn't have any trick or treaters last night like we thought we would. We thought "hey, we live right in the middle of a college town and a lot of people around us have kids." but not one knocked on our door. We spent the night watching halloween specials. Well, sort of, we watched a halloween episode of rugrats, mystery science theatre (werewolf) and spongebob. Now we have this plastic pumpkin full of candy staring me in the face. I haven't eaten any but I'd like to of course.

I am still fighting this dumb cold. Getting ready to have a baby is wearing me out but so is this cold!  Friday, Joe went to get his flu shot. He really didn't wanna do it (he hates needles) but since its for our daughter I think it made it easier. After he came out of the room he acted like it was no big deal. I think it was just one of those instances where he was just more nervous than he needed to be. I know those kind of situations all too well. I am still thinking this pregnancy is going to be one of those situations where everything turns out just fine in the end and I wonder why I worried to begin with.

The other day I was talking with someone about the "black cloud" stealing my happiness about the pregnancy. We talked about the difference between happiness and joyfulness. I know that there is a difference. I guess I just needed to be reminded that happiness is more of a in the moment feeling. Joyfulness is knowing that whatever happens, it will be okay and that if Claire doesn't make it, I have the security of knowing I will see her again when this earthly life is over. It seems as if the 'black cloud' has sort of disappeared since that talk. I mean, I'm still a little scared of losing her but I know I will see my girls in Heaven someday should Claire not make it. Joe gets out of school in about 10 minutes and will be home shortly. Sometimes, I hate being alone.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

3 weeks!

Thats right, we have 3 weeks from today till Claire makes her appearance into this world. Joe and I are getting so excited. It seems surreal to have another child. I'm not looking forward to the pain of having the baby and the weeks of recovery but I AM ready to stop being so sore the majority of the time, feeling bloated and tired all the time. I know its going to take time after she's born for those feelings to go away but at least her being born will start the process AND we will get to have our baby girl here to hopefully distract me from some of the pain. Last year, I had nothing really. And on top of it, I was dealing with grief.

Joe and I had a long talk yesterday about the goings on of our lives. I had started to feel like we were letting stress effect the way we were treating each other. We had defiantly grown more short with each other. I was struggling with growing resentful. I'm glad we talked about it, I hope we will actually work on fixing our issues like we said we would instead of  saying 'we'll fix it' but never work on it. Marriage takes work!
haha! I don't know why I expected any less than this, I knew it was going to be hard. I just didn't expect it to get harder when we most need each other. In my last pregnancy, we would have only had 3 weeks left with our first child, so that has been a cloud hanging over our heads. "what if we only have 3 weeks left with Claire too?" and it makes it hard to be joyous.

I'm sorry if I am being repetitive in my posts, it's hard to keep track of everything I have already written without actually going back and reading it.

I slept till almost 11 am this morning! I woke up early this morning but evidently went back to sleep. I was surprised at myself. I thought I got to bed at a decent time last night but maybe waking up in the middle of the night coughing, and trying to find a comfortable position to lay in hindered my sleep. I also dreamt I was nursing someone else's child last night. It was incredibly weird to dream that. During the dream it felt weird but I was sort of comfortable with it at the same time. I've had a couple dreams recently that I actually give birth to a boy. In these couple dreams, I believe I remember him either waking up then falling asleep, coming alive then dying and so on and so forth, I can't entirely remember what happened. They were discouraging. I am totally excited to have another baby girl and to be able to be a mother to a child outside my womb. I know I will ALWAYS be Ella's mother but it seems unreal. Just a tad because I never got to mother her after she was born as I picture being a mother. I never pictured signing a piece of paper for an autopsy, for her to be transported, and a paper saying that if I lost too much blood giving birth to her that I either wanted them to try to save me or let me die.

I was texting my sister in law last night, she also lost a baby. I was telling her about the 'black cloud' hanging over our heads. She put it perfectly. "and when you do feel happy something happens and u crash with memories."she said.  It's becoming more and more difficult not to let the bad memories flood in.

Monday, October 25, 2010

monday again!

The whole day was kind of an off day. Joe didn't have class today so it threw the day off from the beginning. Well, actually, first, we had planned for me to go to school with Joe so we could leave for Columbia immediately after he got out of class. My insurance was being dumb this morning and wouldn't pay for my insulin so it took awhile to get that straightened out. Then, the doctor just thought I was being irresponsible because I told him I didn't take it last night or this morning like I should have. 

We met some friends from Moberly for lunch at the mongolian grill place in Columbia. It was nice to see them again. Joe enjoyed it as well. It was a much needed visit I think from friends from 'home'. My next appointment with Dr. Hunze will be 2 weeks before the baby is scheduled to be born. It feels totally weird! I was telling Joe on the way home that I was remembering when there was only 8 appointments left and that seemed unreal. 

The baby was sleeping after I ate..I had a late lunch. She took a long time to do her practice breathing. Normally, she would get it done right away but this time was...different. The doctor and the nurses reassured us it was nothing to worry about, but of course after losing a child especially, we're nervous a lot of the time. Her non stress test was awesome! Her heart rate went way up a few times but the doctor explained it away pretty much, which made us feel better but not completely. Joe agreed that the whole day has felt off. When the nurse had me lay on my side to try to get her to do her breathing she said "and she's gone" and laughed. The nurse meant that she fell asleep again but when she said "she's gone", I admit, I had a slight panic attack. 

Now, I'm sitting at home watching Giuliana and Bill, waiting for Joe to get home. 

I'm having trouble with trusting God will give me the desires of my heart. I have just recently realized that the closer I am to God, the desires of my heart will change according to His will. My desire for years has been to have children. We didn't get to keep our first child and now I'm 34 weeks pregnant with our second child and I still spend nights and days wondering if I will ever get to hold her while she is alive. In my arms. Does anyone else have issues handing their lives over to God completely and saying 'I'm cool with whatever." basically? are you still going through it or was there something that brought you through that 'funk'? advice you could give me?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

25 days!

We've got 25 days still Claire makes her appearance into the world. We are SOOO excited! I'm ready to not be in any pain. I know I will still hurt after she's born..believe me! I know it'll hurt! As Claire's birthday gets closer, I am taken back to images of Ella's birth time. I remember the nurse asking me if I wanted to sleep in my own pool of blood till the morning..well, basically. ICK! Who'd say yes?!?! I had just given birth to my deceased child and she thought I'd wanna do that!

Joe's at a football game today. It's homecoming for UCM so people are pretty darn excited around here.  We met with the involvement minister at the church earlier this week. I'm excited for where they will find a spot for me to serve based on the areas I thought I was most gifted...mostly with children. I helped with watching 2 year olds at the church we attended in Moberly. it was fun, exhausting at times but fun. It was very rewarding to have a kid run up to you and give you a hug! I miss it to be quite honest.

Monday, Joe and I are gonna meet up with some college friends (hopefully) from moberly. I still miss moberly, not gonna lie. However, Warrensburg IS starting to feel a bit more like home. It'd sure help the process if Joe could find a job. He got turned down for a couple more last week...well, more than a couple I'd say..he'd call about applications he'd put in prior, no hiring!

I have been doing a better job at keeping blood sugars under control. So, that makes things less scary. I am still nervous though. We are excited that we have such a short time till Claire is here but about the same time Claire will be here, Ella passed away. So I'm full of mixed emotion. I want to be pregnant as long as possible but at the same time I want her to be born. I'm scared we may only get the pregnancy part as we did with Ella. Joe and I sit and think of what Claire will be like when she's born. We wonder how tan she will be, if she will be tan like her sister, if she will look like her sister at all, will she be tall or shorter? I think you can tell from the picture of Ella, she didn't look only a quarter Asian, she looked like she was completely Asian.

Satan has definitely found ways into my thoughts these last few weeks. There are times I forget we might actually get to keep her after she's born. I forget we might actually take her home, like the pregnancy is all we're going to get and then life goes on as 'normal' again. It was anything but normal after Ella passed away though. I feel bad that we have chosen to bring another child into this world of imperfection and pain when her sister is in a PERFECT place. As a mother, I just want the best for my children. I wonder, should I be happy Claire is coming? She's going to experience so much pain! But then I had a friend remind me that children are a blessing from the Lord. The devil has totally been hitting me in my week children. I still feel guilty for Ella's death, as if I did something wrong. Since they couldn't find anything wrong with her, there must have been something wrong with me that caused it. Thats my conclusion anyway, right or wrong.

Please keep Joe and I in prayer these last few weeks. We are going to be edgy, nervous and everything that goes along with it. I have been praying for peace as the time gets closer to her birth, and even after she's born. I can see myself being a nervous momma.

Isaiah 26:3 (New Living Translation)

 3 You will keep in perfect peace
      all who trust in you,
      all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

Monday, October 18, 2010

It's Monday!

Time for a Claire update! She got a perfect 10 again today! The doctor rates her on a scale 1-10.  She's doing awesome! She was a little resistant to move during the ultrasound but she picked it up during the non-stress test! My blood glucose levels have been better this week but there is always room for more their is for anything in life. 

Both the nurse and doctor are confident this pregnancy will be successful. The doctor said there is over a 99% chance this baby will be okay, and a less than 1% chance she won't be. We are both aware that life isn't promised though. We are aware but bad things can happen.  We are so excited to come home with a baby in our arms!  We have one month till she's born. Her birthday is November 18th! She'll be here pretty early that morning. We've only got 4 more doctor appointments (at least with Dr Grant) till she comes!

Hearing that the doctor feels confident that everything will be okay kind of restores my joy in this pregnancy. I think I ought to be more joyous! I have about 4 weeks of pregnancy left. I want to be able to enjoy it as much as I can...including Joe as well. 

Speaking of Joe, he still hasn't heard about the papa johns job yet. We thought the manager was going to call today but hopefully he was just busy or something. wishful thinking much...

Saturday, October 16, 2010

to quote..kinda

I just read the blog of someone whom I do not know but she has lost 4 children so there is kind of some 'baby lost' connection there. She was talking about how people would through Romans 8:28 at her looking to comfort her. For those who do not know what Romans 8:28 says

28"And we know that [a]God causes (A)all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are (B)called according to His purpose." (NASB)

She was talking about how if you are going to say that to someone going through a hard time, you had better believe it in your own life when bad things happen. To those going through the death of a child it almost feels like punishment to hear that verse. I know I spent many nights wondering what I did wrong to have a child taken from me. 

I have already had some breakdowns today. I'm missing my baby Ella. I hope and pray (literally of course) her sister Claire gets to join her daddy and me in a little over a month alive and healthy. I pray we get to take her home from the hospital when I get released, that she will not have to stay after I leave. I dread the thought of leaving the hospital empty handed again

Friday, October 15, 2010

I've been scared straight!

The doctor made changes to my insulin dosage on Monday.  He told me to call his nurse on Thursday (yesterday) to tell her what my sugar levels have been since he changed the dosage on Monday. She told me that they weren't tight enough. I admitted that I think a lot of it is my fault. I am trying to keep my sugars under wraps but not tightly enough I feel. She told me to try a stricter diet to see if it really is me just  lacking the 'food control'. She told me that if its not controlled better in this last 5 weeks it could result in 'serious complications for the baby'. I asked her what she meant exactly, I know she did not want to tell me and I was honestly a little afraid to ask (as high enough sugars can lead to a baby in the womb dying). She told me that a lot of babies born to mommies who have high blood sugars often end up in the NICU when they are born. She told me that when the baby is born and the doctor (or husband) cuts the umbilical cord, that its cutting the baby off from the high sugars he/she is used to getting from his/her mom. She said often you'll see a baby's hands shake from their sugars being messed up and they end up in the NICU on kind of a...sugar drip I guess is the easiest way to explain it trying to ween the baby off having high sugars. Joe graciously (I think it was gracious anyway) offered to do this tightening of diet thing right along with me. He told me he didn't have a problem doing it for the next  5 weeks . I told him I am honestly disappointed in myself that I haven't done a better job over the last few months I've been carrying Claire. We know what its like to lose a child and I told myself if I ever got pregnant again I would take care of myself to ensure we would NOT lose another. Now, I can't say my blood sugar was to blame for Ella's death but since we will never know for sure of course I wonder. 

In other news, Joe's job interview went well. He doesn't know if he got the job. He said he is confident he will get it though. It turns out they are looking for a 'relief guy'. Like if someone wants to go on vacation or is sick or something so he won't get as many hours as he was hoping for, but its a job so its definitely more than we have now! I went shopping this morning with one of the ladies in my small group on Sundays. She has 2 small boys so she was informational with parenting advice. At this point, its definitely what I long for. It was good to get to know someone better too. Lately, I've been feeling sort of lonesome being so far away from my college friends. 

Thursday, October 14, 2010

washing clothes...

I finally took the plunge I've been dreading. I washed baby clothes last night. I did a basket full. I was dreading it because I didn't want to get all set up for a baby that might not come..again. Joe and I went through the clothes last night, deciding what to wash. It brought up memories. Some good, exciting and yet really sad all at once. I remembered my baby showers with Ella, having no reason to doubt she was coming in a matter of months/weeks. I felt a definite reluctance about washing the clothes. Tomorrow afternoon a couple of ladies from the church are going to help me put Claire's room together. It seems all to surreal that she actually may be coming. I'm still not completely over the 'I'll just be pregnant with her and then things will end' phase yet. I don't know if I can explain that feeling to any one's satisfaction. 

Yesterday at our women's Bible study someone asked me if I have 'dedicated Claire yet'? She meant 'have you dedicated her to God.' I told her that I would like to think so but probably not when things are all said and done. I pray for my daughter everyday but somewhere in that prayer is 'God, don't take her away from us too.' I think there have been times during this pregnancy I think I have told Him "do with her what you will" but its very difficult. 

Now, I know he doesn't need my permission to do anything in my life. I believe by not praying about our lives and giving ourselves to Christ we are missing out on a lot of blessing he wants to give us. I'm not saying he wanted my 1st daughter to die. In His original plan nobody would die. Bad things happen in our lives now, and he works through them for the good if we let him. 

I need some Biblically based opinion. Am I wrong in how I pray? I just mean, where's the difference between praying with boldness and praying for God's will to be done? I hope that made sense. Maybe I'm trying to say, how do I pray with boldness but yet be open to His will?

Monday, October 11, 2010

update time!

Claire is doing wonderful! She was VERY active today. The doctor told me my pelvis is spreading. Baby is on her way. Not right now, I'm only 32 weeks but it won't be much longer I assume. She is weighing in at 4 lbs and 12 ounces. She's getting to be a big girl. She was active today during the non stress test and the ultrasound. During the n.t.s. she had hiccups, for about 5-10 minutes straight she had them. I didn't know it was humanly possible to have them for that long and that consistently. I'm a little over 32 weeks. It's getting  hard as the weeks are coming to a close. Her birthday is coming up in 38 days I believe. I asked the doctor today how high my sugar has to be and for how long until the baby is effected or we lose another one. He told me there isn't a specific answer to that question but as long as the baby is moving fine, and my biophysical profiles (tests they do every week) are a perfect 10 then the baby is fine and we most likely will not lose another baby.

Last night I was in so much pain trying to move around in bed. I think I was trying to switch sides. It was miserable! I didn't have that pain with Ella so its kinda hard to get used to.

Joe has a job interview this week!

Keep us in prayer please. for things to work out financially and to calm down the rest of this pregnancy and not be so...uptight

Thursday, October 7, 2010


As Claire's birthday draws ever closer (6 weeks from today actually), and with hearing of so many babies dying lately its been rough on both Joe and I.  We're both having a hard time with worry and anxiety. I am so excited to meet our daughter but kind of dreading it all at once. I'm afraid she might not be alive when she's born. Now,at 32 weeks along (tomorrow anyway) I have no reason to think she won't be alive logically. It's just hard to let go of the past I suppose. I'm afraid that she may never taste breath, like her big sister didn't. We thought at this far along with Ella, there was nothing wrong either. Watching someone else go through baby loss recently has made remember what it was like for me. I remember not being able to breathe. At least not feeling like I could breathe. I remember one particular day wanting to fall asleep but I couldn't manage to stay asleep. I felt like if I drifted off, I would stop breathing. It was a hard time. I remember someone being upset with me because I couldn't let myself be around babies (especially baby girls) and feeling like even worse of a person because I couldn't bear to be there as a friend. I remember someone telling me I was dealing with things all wrong(the way I took it anyway)

I have forgiven this person and understand she was just trying to help. I just don't want to experience these feelings again with another baby. I still wonder what life would be like with a year old + baby and expecting her little sister in 6 weeks. I would probably be busy beyond belief!  Now, I have just been taking it easy, trying to relax and keep calm waiting for baby to arrive. Am I even doing that well?  I wonder if I weren't more busy if I would have less room to worry. I miss being with friends...I miss being able to go across town just to have someone to talk to and be with for awhile while Joe's at work. I miss Joe having a job and having a steady income. Does that sound stupid? Anybody want to make a trip to Warrensburg?

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Claire update!

Yesterday I had my appointment in Columbia. We did the same thing as we have been doing for like a month or so, non-stress test and an ultrasound, talk to the doctor and we leave. The baby is still doing well! Thank God for that! She took a little longer on the non stress test machine than normal to do all her movements and stuff but she eventually got the mission accomplished! The doctor says she is looking great!
We made a trip to Moberly after my appointments. I think it was much needed for the both of us. We went to go see Joe's sister, Amber, Daniel and our nephew. It was nice to see them again. We didn't get to see Amber and Daniel for too long. It was a couple minutes I'd say. After we left there, I went to Emily's house to see her and Ebony. Sara came for awhile too! It was nice. I felt rejuvenated at the same time, sad to leave. I knew everything there. Before we left town, I thought I was so ready to leave. Now, I kinda wonder what I was thinking wholly. I'm not saying I don't like it here, I totally do. I just think I'll feel better when I'm more familiar with the town and more with the people. It still feels new. I kind of like that familiar feeling. It was easier for me to make friends in Moberly because of school. The first two years I was there, I lived in a dorm with a lot of other girls so I had pretty much no choice but to meet people (which I am not complaining about at all!) This time is different, I'm married and live in an apartment complex, where its easy to ignore one another and/or only see each other every once in awhile.
Before we left, we went to look at our old house. It's been renovated! It got longer and has concrete underneath it. Things have changed in town since we left. We visited Pizza Hut where Joe used to work. We ended up staying there a little too late and didn't get home till around 1:30. I'm pretty tired today. 
We are getting pretty discouraged as Joe can't seem to get a job. I've been praying for it since before we even moved here and it has yet to happen. I came to realize that maybe I am being kinda prideful, thinking that since I have been asking for so long. But what about asking with boldness? And asking anything in His name? I don't feel like I'm being selfish in this request totally. I mean, I want to be able to pay our bills and buy diapers when the baby comes. I want Joe to be able to feel like he's contributing. I don't think its fair that we should depend on others to support us when they have to support themselves too. It's just frustrating. But praise God we are being taken care of. Things are more tough than I'd like them to be but I know this too shall pass.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

new loss...

Yesterday Joe got a call from Daniel. The guy that was staying with us in Moberly for awhile. His wife (our step niece) had a baby at 29 weeks. He lived for a week I think. It was heartbreaking to hear. It sort of took us back to that place where we first lost Ella. We both felt like we needed to do something, but being 2 hours away with no job, we can't really do anything besides pray. I'm not discounting the power of prayer. We just both felt so helpless! We both feel more on-edge I think as it comes closer to Claire's birth. It's hard to wait for her to be here, at the same time, I don't mind waiting just in case she doesn't make it beyond pregnancy. And, I really do like being pregnant. Sure, I complain about being sore (and I have been for weeks) but it's all worth it. Losing a child has definitely brought me some insight into appreciating my children more. I'm not condemning those who have never lost one (its HORRIBLE! I wouldn't wish it on anybody) and I'm sure you can appreciate a second child as much as a first. It just brought me a lot of insight. I miss our Ella. I wonder what life would be like with her here, to have two little girls here instead of one, to not have to think about STILL needing to get a headstone.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

memorial service

Last night I watched a memorial service online for a couple that attended the same church as me in Quincy. Well, let me be clear that it was their twin boys. They were conjoined. I believe Shawna was 8 months along. It brought back a lot of emotion for me. I remembered thinking "its surreal to see your own child in a casket." The most heartbreaking part for me was when Shawna was speaking. She wrote her boys a letter. I very sweet idea I almost wish I had thought of after Ella died.  She talked about how her heart rate dropped and she felt like she couldn't breathe at a certain part of the delivery. The doctor told her it was when they separated the boys from her.  I don't recall the same thing happening to me but the scary part was, I could understand it. She talked about handing her boys over was the hardest thing they ever had to do. It made me think of handing Ella to the nurse for the last time. I don't think I thought anything of it at the time (I blame it on the shock my body was still going through) or maybe I figured it had to be quick like a bandaid sort of thing.

Joe may have a job soon! He hopefully will get a call soon saying he does anyway! He went in yesterday to talk to the manager. I've been praying for him to get a job soon. Especially before the baby gets here..I hear they are pretty expensive :)

Speaking of baby, she will be here in 7 weeks!

Monday, September 27, 2010

time for another Claire update!

We just returned for another Columbia adventure! The baby is doing well! Her hair is so long.
I was contracting during my non stress test so the doctor did a couple tests to make sure things are fine, and to make sure I didn't need to stay in the hospital overnight but things are just fine! We are still planning to have little Claire make her debut on the 18th of November. 

My blood sugars are still too stinking high! It drives me bonkers! I'm doing better emotionally I think than I have been in the past day or two. I just got freaked out about all those babies dying. It made me wonder if we would lose ours too. I know somewhere in the world there has to be someone who has lost a 'rainbow baby'. 

Joe's still trying for a job. He applied at a donut shop. That should be interesting if he gets it. I think they want someone who can decorate donuts, so it should bring it his creative side. He's tossing around the idea of changing majors in school. He says the more he takes a certain class, the less he thinks he will be interested in a broadcast major. I'm thankful he's so excited about having another child. He's a big support for me. He understands what I am feeling ...I mean, when it comes to being afraid of losing another. Of course he can't understand what its like to be pregnant :) that'd be weird.

I'm sore. My hips hurt most of the least when I am not sitting. I don't mean to complain. I mean, I'd rather not be pain but I am super excited and thankful we are expecting another baby!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

not sure what to call this one....

All I know is its crazy to me that 5 babies that I know of have lost their lives this week! I told Joe the feeling of "this baby is going to die" has came back to me. I had kind of the same feeling with Ella. I don't know if I'm starting to feel that way because so many babies have died this week and satan is feeding off of it. I wonder.
I have another doctor appointment for baby tomorrow! I actually have two. It's going to be a busy day, but that's alright. It does our nerves a lot of good to know that our daughter is alive and well. I've been feeling alright the last few weeks. I am sore though! My hips have never been good. She likes to play with my diaphragm so sometimes I can't breathe and that's fun :) For some reason, I think I feel more physical stress with this baby. I mean, she feels heavier I think. I wonder if I think that because its been awhile since I have been pregnant with Ella and just don't remember fully. 
Ever since I have started the Elizabeth George study with the church I have started to try to stick to having scheduled study/and maybe some prayer time in there too. I realize that when the baby does come I will probably want a schedule. I hear that once you make one, you'll wonder how you ever got along without it..I think i remember hearing that. I've only been doing it for a few weeks but so far that's proven to be true! 

Friday, September 24, 2010

just sittin here...

While Joe and another guy play a video game. I'm sleepy! I'm sleepy a lot though and I know that, thats not about to change! But i'm excited to be awake for late nights with the baby. Is that crazy?

Anyway, ever since the loss of our little girl, I have become more aware of the hurting world around me. I'm more aware of what it is like for life just to really really suck! For some reason growing up the way I did, and my parents divorce didn't seem like that big of a deal. I think it IS a big deal but after losing a child it pales in comparison.

I'm in this apartment a lot! It's easy to feel lonely and secluded from the world. It's making it a bunch easier to have quiet time with God. Is that bad? I think I'd find out how much discipline I had if I was busy during the day. A certain little girl will be here in less than 2 months and then I will have a chance to really try to exercise discipline. I hate that I'm not even busy during the day and find it hard to exercise discipline. It doesn't even have to be about spending time with God, it can be about anything. Like, for the kitchen or something.

I have come to the realization why the baby's room isn't put together, at least from what I can figure. I know I have a little less than 2 months to get it put together so a part of me just says "wait, i'll have time to do it later." but another part of me is scared to do her room. I know that may sound horrible. It kinda sounds horrible for me to even say..that I would even think this way but I'm partially a little scared that she won't make it and I will have to face a put together room again. That I will have to face all those broken dreams again. I know putting a room together or not putting it together won't make a lick of difference on how things actually turn out. I am still asking God not to take this little one away from us.

It's very hard for me to pray His will because I'm afraid of what that will may be. I know He knows whats better for me than  I do, so whats to be afraid of?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

another Columbia trip

Claire is weighing in at 3 lbs and 6 ounces as of yesterday! After she got woke up by the 'buzzer' on my belly she was very active. Things are progressing quite well. The doctor did tell us though, that there is a bit too much amniotic fluid around the baby. I didn't ask how that was a bad thing. I think I was just honestly afraid of the answer. He said that it was due to the diabetes that there is too much fluid around her. So please pray that my glucose levels will straighten out. I also need prayer to pay more attention to the foods I eat. I pay attention most of the time but I just tell myself 'it'll be okay if I have a little bit of ....(fill in the blank)".

I do get scared that we will lost another. I have almost 8 weeks left in this pregnancy and find myself wondering if I'm a ticking time bomb. I pray that God will spare this little one's life. That we will not have to experience the loss of another child. We have ultrasound pictures from every doctor appointment (at least with the high risk doctor) but we don't have a scanner so I can put them online so you can see them!

Joe is looking for a job still. He applied at an Italian restaurant that is apparently hiring for all positions so we're hoping and I know I'm praying that this one will work out.

Friday, September 17, 2010

oh nothing...

I'm honestly just trying to find a way to pass the time. It's just me for the night! Joe's got a free ticket for a baseball game. Today has been one of those days where I just feel lonesome. Being in a new town has been nice but man it does stink when I don't have anything familiar to go to. Maybe that doesn't make sense. i just mean like, i can't just call a friend and meet up with them somewhere. I'm going to be in Columbia every week till the baby is born. I'm thankful to be able to meet with the doctor every week to check on our Claire. I'm pretty much a paranoid momma but I am trying to hand that over to God. When I fail and I start worry I feel even worse cause I feel like a failure..only sometimes though. There are times I'm just focused on the worry and not even thinking about the fact that I told God he could have my worry cause His yoke is easy and light. 

I feel sort of broken right now. I don't know that I can explain it. Not that I want to give up and throw in the towel or anything. I just wonder what God has in store for our family. Joe called kfc this morning. They hired someone else. Even though Joe called I don't even know how many times to check on his application and has had 6 years experience..we thought it would be 'in the bag.' I guess thats what happens when we start to get full of ourselves. Well, to be honest, I kinda had a teeny hunch he wouldn't get hired but hoped I was wrong. 

I've wondered if he will ever get a job. We have our baby coming in just a couple months! I REALLY REALLY want her to come. I REALLY REALLY want her to be taken care of as well. I got a letter today saying that the gas money we will spend on monday cannot be reimbursed. There is a blessing in being able to go see the dr. in the first place. But it really stinks that we can't get this company to replace the money we will spend. Their reason was that we have to travel TOO far....its 92 miles one way I believe

...and the wondering about how we will survive continues..

I understand God will not forsake us. It feels like it to a degree. I mean, We are not taking in income. We have lived here for over a month and I just feel like losing hope into Joe finding a job any time soon with every passing day.. I wish I had something deep and profound to say that would make you think 'man, thats so encouraging' but maybe right now its me that needs to encouragement. I have asked and asked for God to provide a job and that job isn't here yet. I know that people pray for years and years for a certain thing to happen...I hope I don't have to pray for years for God to provide Joe a job.