Thursday, March 31, 2011

what did we do on vacation?

I decided I would document our trip so I can maybe answer the question:"what do you guys do?" and so I can remember it. I told you a little bit about my very first airplane ride before. Well, the second wasn't as bad. I've decided I hate the going up part but everything else is kinda nice. We didn't arrive in San Diego till about 9:45pm I think. His dad and grandma came to get us then we went to chuck e. cheese where his mom works! It was sorta fun to see it again. We stayed and visited for a bit then it was time for mom to get back to work. Claire and I went back to the hotel and Joe went to work with his dad. His sister Jennifer came to talk to me while Joe was gone with his dad. We finally made it to bed about 12 I think. the next day was church, lunch at a chinese restuarant. Then I went back to the hotel.I didn't feel good and Joe went to his parents' house for the day.  Monday morning we went to breakfast at IHOP with grandma then we went to go look at a house for my in-laws. The apartment they have now is just too cramped for all the people who live there. Of course my in laws, my mother in law's mother and sister. Now, once they move apparently my father in law's mother is coming to live with them. It was pretty. I saw a snail for the first time...lame huh? Yeah..I know. After that I think we went to the Navy base to see all the ships. HUMUNGO!! then on to the Navy Exchange to buy SeaWorld tickets. I'm sure lunch was in there somewhere. and dinner.besides that I can't remember what happened that day.Tuesday was of course Seaworld!!!! It was really fun! I got a bad sunburn on my face of course. I say of course because my face always seems to get burned when I'm outside all day if its remotely sunny outside. After Seaworld was auto zone. Cam's car (jenni's bf) overheated on the way to Seaworld. It didn't happen till we were in the line to pay for parking though so that was good at least. Then A real sushi place! It was so good. I honestly don't remember Wednesday that well. I feel like we just hung around the parents' apartment.  Thursday...again not that sure. We spent the night at his sister's though. She has a super nice apartment with her roommates. Friday I think it was just a relaxation the parents. We went to see a house again for the in-laws, and went to Chinese!! After dinner we went back to the apartment sat around for a bit and waited for Jen to get off work then me, jen, mom, and auntie nene (mom's sister) went shopping..mostly for the baby. We appreciated it a lot! then back to the apartment then bed a few hours later bedtime! Then we got 3:34am to get to the airport. We left around 5:30am to go to the airport. it was a huge rush once we were there! We had to sit apart because we were the last ones on the plane. I had the baby. Joe sat a few rows in front of me. I sat next to the sweetest woman and her hubby. She didn't like flying either she said. Her hubby flew a lot for work. They have 3 kids. Owen, Ella and Georgia I cute! Like kids out of a movie! I talked to the mom the whole time. We ended up in Albeuquerque (sp) for 2 hrs! Then we flew home. We did get to sit together this time. In the very back of the plane next to the bathroom in case we needed to change baby's diaper..needless to say we didn't until we got to the KC airport. Nadine came to get us, we tried to look for a "Denny's" because I had never been to one but it was closed. We came home, I did laundry and then watched a movie. It was snowing when we got home and it was so cold!! About a 30-40 degree difference from SD..I enjoyed being there. Well, I'm done!

Monday, March 28, 2011

are we singing louder?

This morning Claire got me out of bed super early, I was flipping through the channels as I was feeding her & someone very familiar looking appeared. This doctor/preacher was a part of the grief share sessions I was involved in after Ella's passing. He was on a talk show sorta thing promoting his new book. I think its a book about how America has forgotten God. He started to talk about this group who would stand at the train station and sing. As the Jewish people who were being sent to concentration camps would go by on these trains the people would just sing louder, ignoring the cries for help of the Jewish people. It was a thought provoking story. I am not trying to point the finger and say "oh YOU are such a bad person." I'm pointing the finger at myself as well. Have you ever heard the saying when you point at someone you have 3 fingers pointing back at yourself? I feel like by ignoring the hurt and pain of other people we are just ripping the "Great Commission" portion of the Bible right out..

I know that as of late I have fallen prey to the thinking of 'well, you do your thing and I'll do mine and lets just ignore one another when the other messes up.'  I know I need to be bolder and say something when I know a fellow Christian is in the wrong. But what do you do when that person is in limbo and they don't really know what they are? anyway...I want to show my daughter to be bold in her faith..i'm not saying she will be perfect. I know she will fail at times but I want her parents to show her how to love, how to never ever have a bad thing to say about anyone. I feel sorry for the person who nit picks about someone else. I wonder how badly they feel about themselves to want to pick on another person...I want to be THAT kind of mom/person. 

I want to be better for her

Sunday, March 20, 2011


joe and i left for california yesterday. we both have been looking forward to the trip for so long. claire & i shared many firsts yesterday. we both flew for the first time, switched airplanes, been close to the border and have been to a few states we otherwise wouldn't have gone to. Claire did better than her momma. she was calm basically the whole time. I cried & got panicky at first when the plane was taking off. on the way up to the sky (pretty much) my ears needed to pop. I tried to hold my nose and blow so my ears would pop. I blew was gross and now that its over sorta funny. Later on in the flight apparently I was nervous because my hand started to gravitate to the stranger beside about embarrassment :(
we have a full week ahead of us, i'm looking forward to some fun

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


Sunday coming home my nose started to get stuffy. I'd been feeling 'drainy' the last couple days before that. Now, I am spending my time blowing my nose, and taking medicine. Not only does being sick play with a diabetic's blood sugar but it makes me not wanna eat..or drink which makes my blood sugar worse. Joe took the baby to the doctor for her 4 month appointment. She gets shots today. There is a part of me that wants to be there to cuddle her after she gets the shots but another part of me is glad I won't get to see it. I decided not to go (as I usually would) because of the stuffiness. I think I'm starting to cough too..gross! We leave for San Diego in a few days. I hope I get better.

My baby growls now! She 'talks' back and forth to us but it totally sounds like she's growling. When she is in her car seat and sometimes when she's sitting on my lap she tries to sit up. it's adorable and makes me SOO excited my baby is growing up and learning how to do things on her own. Along with that though is the 'dread' that comes knowing my baby isn't going to stay little forever. I know it but I guess it seems so far from now..but now that she is learning things on her own its becoming more real. 

I'm so happy to be this girl's momma!

Friday, March 11, 2011

why why why...

I put a new song list on here. It consists of music that reminds me of my girls. And some just because I like the songs. In the song "with hope" he says that he never questioned so much the wisdom of God's plan..thats EXACTLY how I feel and have felt since Ella died. I go to a women's Bible study on Wednesday mornings. There are other people who I attend there with who have lost their babies as well. They do have other children as well though :) its nice to talk to them and be able to relate to one was kind of a coinkindink that they also lost girls. I was asked how I've dealt with Ella's death in the almost 2 years since she's been gone..I think its been..different since Claire's here. I get to watch Claire grow and it just puts things into perspective. I never got to watch Ella grow. The other night I had a weird dream that every time I changed Claire's diaper she would die..but there were replicas of her so she was still alive but there were 'dead Claire's'..and then in the dream I wondered if we forgot to bury her body was just laying around too...weird. She's obviously been on my mind.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

in my email...

I get a daily devotion from Wisdom Hunters. Yesterday's devotion was entitled "unintentional sin." The devotional was something I hadn't put a lot of thought into before...well..kinda. So I will share with you a little 'snipit' of the devo. Lets start with the Scripture passage he opened with:

 “If the entire Israelite community sins by violating one of the Lord’s commands, but the people do not realize it, they are still guilty.” Leviticus 4:13

In the beginning of the post he was talking about how if he forgets to report some extra income there would be consequences with the IRS.
I do agree with him on this. There would be some serious consequences! I guess I just have some trouble with the passage he started with. I am not saying I won't accept it or anything, I'm just confused on how to take it..I don't even know how to even form this passage into a question..I dunno. Its definitely been on my mind though.

okay, here's something I've been thinking about as well.. I had this happen to me when I was younger (I think) 

So, I was at a gas station. I paid the cashier the money I owed for the soda and chips (before my diabetes became an issue) and she gave me the cash back but I later realized she had given me the amount I had given her. So I never actually paid for it at all! Should I have said something to her? Is it acceptable to accept something like that from a manager of a store or something?

Saturday, March 5, 2011


so lately I've had my oldest baby on my mind. There was a long time period where I didn't feel as effected by Ella's death. Now I just feel heartbroken all over again. I miss her terribly. Recently I have been thinking about my emotions at that time and how far I have come. but every once in a great while I still feel stuck. I go back to 'that' place. the one where I feel so alone and it feels like everyone else is moving on with life but  i know that i can move on. i have for almost two years. that is unbelievable,amazing and heartbreaking all at once.