3 in the morning

and I can't sleep. my nose is semi stuffy, my throat hurts & I'm sort of working on a headache. It doesn't help that there is a st. bernard trapesing through the house. They are most definately not small animals.Of course I lay here & think of my time left without my husband.I've come to realize the place I called home for so long isn't home anymore. It's wherever Joe & Claire are. Ella's birthday is on the 19th. I'm totally disappointed I am not having an easier time here. I long for the day (about 10 of them) where Joe & Claire & me will be together again. I'm not sure how I will spend Ella's 2nd birthday. Everything I can think seems inadequate. I sure wish I had both my baby girls here. I realize some people aren't as fortunate to even have 1 here with them. I can't help but still feeling an empty spot. The doctors think my mom had her 2nd heart attack the last in the last few days. As I said, disappointed this time isn't easier...I am hoping that God will find a way to use me though & make it a blessing for me as well. Is that selfish? To want to be blessed by God when blessing someone else? Please say a prayer for me...