Sunday, June 26, 2011

this week...

has been crazy! I was a crew leader for a group at vbs this week. It was neat to see the kids learn about God and the way they interacted with each other was neat (when they weren't fighting) The cool thing was being able to use the fighting as a learning experience (I don't think I did know its one of those things you think about AFTER the fact) I was with the 1st graders. My group was really sweet. Tuesday was bad but the rest of the week went well :)
My little girl has been sick with a cold the last couple days..she's getting better today. It's not easy to see my baby coughing/sneezing and loads of snot coming out!
Today we went to get our pictures taken. We got a gift certificate from my aunt and uncle that we FINALLY used.
During our time at vbs one of the professors at the college I attended skyped with us from Taiwan. It was hard to see the people there worship their empty gods and for one of the girls in my crew say "what are they doing?" "why are they doing it?"

Friday, June 17, 2011

life :)

has a way of being...interesting. I have been struggling a lot lately. I've been struggling with my beliefs, I've struggled with the idea of moving on in the future, my health has been a concern to me as well.
I've wondered..Is this whole Christianity bit really real? Am I just wanting to make myself feel better that there is something better and that our first baby is really in a place where she is happy and loved and taken care of...These thoughts rack my mind and have for months!
Joe graduates in about a year and a half. Then we get to try to find a house and start moving forward. That thought scares me! What if he graduates and we have no place to go or there isn't a job offer in his field? By moving on it sort of feels like leaving Ella behind..sort of not as much as it did a couple years ago though. I know that she would probably want us to move on though..and be happy and look forward to seeing her one day.
Since I am diabetic I worry about getting gangrene and having to have something cut off...or my eyes, heart or kidneys ceasing to work.. Has this medicine set in yet?  why haven't I stopped worrying yet?I ask myself...How good is the glyburide really working for my diabetes?

I do have some great support behind me though...I have a good husband (even though sometimes he makes me want to roundhouse kick him in the face) I have found a select few really good friends around her and have some really good friendships from home (Moberly) that have stuck with me..Godly friends. I am thankful for thankful. I am grateful for the people who have prayed for me even when I have a hard time praying myself..which is a lot because I wonder if I am talking to myself..and the answers to my prayers will actually just be coincidence and have nothing to do with God...I know these thoughts may be wrong...I wonder If I am the only one who has thought them...anyone have words of wisdom and/or encouragement?

oh yeah, our daughter turned 7 months old yesterday!

Monday, June 13, 2011

is anyone...

there? i'm sorta paranoid...i guess you could say I am talking to myself. this blog is a very good outlet but its even better when i have some feedback :-)

what happens when our life on earth is done?

2 Corinthians 5:1-15

New Living Translation (NLT)

2 Corinthians 5

New Bodies
 1 For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 2 We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. 3 For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies.[a] 4 While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. 5 God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit. 6 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. 7 For we live by believing and not by seeing. 8 Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. 9 So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him. 10 For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body.
We Are God’s Ambassadors
 11 Because we understand our fearful responsibility to the Lord, we work hard to persuade others. God knows we are sincere, and I hope you know this, too. 12 Are we commending ourselves to you again? No, we are giving you a reason to be proud of us,[b] so you can answer those who brag about having a spectacular ministry rather than having a sincere heart. 13 If it seems we are crazy, it is to bring glory to God. And if we are in our right minds, it is for your benefit. 14 Either way, Christ’s love controls us.[c] Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life.[d] 15 He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

we are comin up on...

Ella's 2 year birthday. I've felt like I've been dying inside for the past few weeks. I'm a ball of anxiety (mostly about my own mortality) It's so hard to live without one of my children here. I often wonder what she would look like at the ripe age of 2. Would she be a good sister? Or would she be jealous? Would Claire like having a  big sister instead of just playing with mom & dad These questions fill my mind a lot of the time. I'm glad I have the people to keep me going that I do.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

i haven't been able..

to get my blogger to download all the way. It's made me really sad because the last 2 weeks have been really hard for me.
Joe's not working anymore. His manager wrote him off the schedule 2 weeks in a row..he's looking for another job. I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago for some pains i'd been having. They both turned out to be minor issues. One of which has resolved itself the other..not so much. The doctor put me back on anxiety medicine. I stopped taking it after Claire was born. I shouldn't have ever stopped taking it. I could feel my tensions slowly rise over the last few months and I guess I just blew up. I can't handle it on my own. Ella's birthday is coming soon. Since Claire's birth (I think I've mentioned before) I've thought of Ella more. Grieving has been really hard the past few weeks.
I've been going stir crazy at home all the time. I will be visiting my family in Illinois while Joe's gone to the Philippines. There is also anxiety about him going there. Not only will he be gone for 2 weeks (never spent more than 1 night apart in our marriage) and gone over Ella's birthday but I'm scared about bad things happening (ie earthquake) while he is gone. With the recent tornadoes and Joplin being so demolished unexpectedly I'm just afraid of what might happen...but then again nothing may happen but spreading the Gospel and he will come home safe and we will spent our lives together.
I have a like/dislike relationship with not knowing the future. I like the surprise and adventure of life but not knowing is THE worst sometimes.