Tuesday, August 30, 2011

fighting off lonliness

I enjoy spending one-on-one time with ms. Claire. At the same time, I hate being alone ALL of THE time....or, it feels like all the time. Joe is a full time student with a job. He gets called in frequently when he's not scheduled to work. I appreciate that he has a job. I appreciate that he has the opprotunity to go to school. I appreciate that we have enough to cover bills. I just don't appreciate being so lonesome. I know I talk about it a lot..but its on my mind a lot! So if it seeps out of my mind onto the computer..it'll be better. right? eh, I don't know about that. If that were the case, I'd be over it by now.

Four days ago I emailed someone at CCCB about taking online classes..that person has yet to email back..ugghh!! Its making me sort of crazy..sort of.

Yesterday we took Claire to the doctor for a lump Joe found on her booty the night before. The first thought (almost always) that comes to my mind when something mysterious happens or she gets sick is "why"..."One of my kids has died and now this...." I would have hoped that two years later I would have moved past these 'grief issues' but clearly, that has not been the case.

I really miss CCCB. A LOT! I just miss that period in my life. I miss constantly being lifted up spiritually. I need it! I miss the friends I made there, I miss the familiarity of the town.  I'm not saying I would change having my children or getting married! Not at all! I just need some stability I guess. Stability wasn't anything I ever got used to growing up..and I NEED it now. I know I have Joe..I think God planted it in our hearts for our spouses not to be enough so we can follow hard after Him. But I have been struggling with spiritual warfare..I'd say since Ella died.

Today, I was doing dishes. Claire was playing in the living room when I left to go into the kitchen. Later, I noticed I didn't hear any noise coming from the living room (besides the cartoon I'd turned on for her) I searched under the table, between chairs..the bedrooms..frantically calling out for her at the same time..no Claire to be found. I realized I hadn't checked the bathroom. I went in there and there she was! Standing at the tub..looking like she was ready for a bath or something. I cried of course when I found her...but not letting her see me. I'm trying (maybe not as much as I should) not letting her see me upset. I want her to know that I love her and that I am SOO glad she's here.

It's been on my heart that I treat my friends better than I treat Joe sometimes..I hate that I do that, I like that I can get so comfortable with him but hate that I nit pick at him. I know thats not the way he needs to be loved..


  1. Praying for you Ashley. One day at a time!

  2. You are a beautiful and loving mother, Ashley. Your heart is so sweet, always wanting to follow Him and seek what God wants for you. You're in my prayers. I love knowing you. Claire is such a blessed little baby!!!