Saturday, October 29, 2011

I don't know where to start...

I've thought about writing a post several times, problem is that I don't know where to begin. First thought, my baby turns one very soon!!! Its crazy to me that she's grown this fast! However, I think that any mother would say that. We will be spending a couple days in Illinois with my side of the family for her birthday. I'm excited to be home again..thankfully, I will have Joe with me this time :)

Second thought, the book I've been reading "What Women Fear" is stinking awesome and really helping me to feel less alone and making me realize I have fears I wasn't even aware of...now, at first thought, you'd think thats a bad thing but if I know I face a specific fear I can do what I can to correct the problem.  One problem I realize is that I compare myself to others quite a bit! I think 'oh, she's a better mom than me. she never seems lonely. isolated and manages 436243 kids at once' I just have one kid and struggle. I feel guilty for feeling isolated, lonely and unfulfilled because I DID lose a child and after she was gone, I ignorantly thought 'man, if I could just have another kid I could stop feeling lonely, isolated and unfulfilled'..funny how life does that to a person. I've had this fear of death happening soon (to me) and that I'm sort of wasting my life waiting to die...I know, sounds dramatic eh? But recently, I've realized that I'm in the place God has placed me for now...he's allowed me to be a stay at home mom right now and I shouldn't be wondering about something 'better' I could be doing. After all, whats better than being a mommy and showing her Christ's love every day?

Thirdly, I think the anxiety I've dealt with for the past 6 months is finally getting better!

Lastly, I need some time with my husband! he's either at work or school it seems.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

i'm giving it over..er, trying

wednesday mornings have really been helping me!  I am ever so thankful for the ladies in my group.This morning was really awesome. We talked about God's grace. I needed to hear the video segment that was shown. one of the things she (Sheila Walsh) said during the video was that when God answers 'no' to our prayers, its done in love. I think I had always known that but I didn't really grasp it, especially till I became a parent. Claire may think its fun to walk into the street & play chicken with the cars. It doesn't mean its for her benefit to do so however. This morning when I was up with Claire (at like 5 am) Joyce Meyer was one. Now, let me be clear that I do not believe the health & wealth gospel but some of the things she has to say I really like  they can be hard to swallow but I appreciate her words nonetheless.She was talking about our worries...it basically boiled down to the fact that we need to know the Word in order to fight off the bad thoughts.I need to make this an ongoing habit. Abyone have any good advice on how to do so or anything good to remember?

Saturday, October 15, 2011

hello

did everyone give up on reading my blogs?!?

Thursday, October 13, 2011

over coffee yesterday...

I realized something! It was an epiphany of sorts..I was talking to a lady who is in my Wednesday morning Bible study. We met at one of the local coffee shops to basically discuss grieving..she too has lost a daughter and her husband..little did I know yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of his death..wow! what an honor to share that day with her...

anyway...
so, I was telling her a little bit more about myself. I spent the majority of my teenage years in a home where my mother was an alcoholic. I  remember wondering night after sleepless night why doesn't she just stop the behavior? It's costing her, her family and her health! is it really that hard?

After my baby died, I did not get into alcohol addiction but I could understand how someone would. You basically just want to forget...and will do anything in order to make that happen..well, at least that's my 2 cents on why I think a person would.

so back to my point..sorta
I was telling my friend how I can understand (sort of) why it would be so hard to break that addiction even if its costing a person their family. See, when I was pregnant with Ella they did the normal gestational diabetes screening and I did in fact have it..I had it after she was born as well and still do. I was telling my friend...that I'm the one who chooses to eat the chocolate or chooses not to do any physical activity (more than taking care of my almost 1 year old)

When Claire was in the womb, I had one friend put it so well 'that little baby is going to have to become more important than food'

I guess that's kind of two points in one..sort of

anyway, How do I change it?!?!? How do I become the healthy person I want to become? For so long I've been thinking 'well, its inevitably going to happen (losing a foot or something) or its too late to fix it, so why try? I know that is no way to think...I need help...

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Clairebear and more!

Claire is going to be 11 months old on the 16th! woo wee time has gone by super fast. She is getting teeth now! 3 of them to be exact. Two on top and one on the bottom. She likes to show them off. She's trying to walk now. Little bits at a time. I don't think she trusts herself to go forward yet. She leans forward after a step or two and then she'll end up blopping on her lil butt. She likes doing that. She stands up and falls on her butt and does it repetitively.She likes to "play" this "game" quite a bit.
In Sunday School we are going to start reading 'Not a fan' by Kyle Idleman. I'm pretty darn excited about it! I'm doing a book study online (in)courage.com to be exact. The book is called 'what women fear'. The book on Wednesday morning Bible study is called 'the shelter of God's promises' These new studies really came at a good time in my life. I have been struggling with fear for awhile. Sometimes God's promises don't seem real. Or, if they are, I find myself asking "do they stand true for me?"
Maybe God is punishing me because I'm not searching for him hard enough..or he's testing me in some way...I know the first question is pretty ridiculous to tell myself..the 2nd..maybe so..

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

calling all SAHM's for advice

Okay, my baby is 10 months old. We live in an apartment complex and don't really get out a whole lot.

What are some ways you've managed to entertain yourself and your child without driving anywhere? I feel secluded and I've come to realize that secluding myself can be dangerous. For a couple reasons really...lonliness, letting anxieties get me down, feeling of laziness...I guess thats three...its where the enemy likes to work on me especially (when I am couped up all alone)

Sunday, October 2, 2011

something to look forward to...

that is what I spend a lot of time thinking about. It's very hard most of the time for me to just stay at home and be a wife and momma. I feel like I ought to be doing something..something for people. Now, I feel bad because as a teen girl all I wanted was a family. Now I have one. I have 2 kids and a husband. Given, one of my girls isn't here with us I know I ought to honor her memory and she is still part of the Morris clan. I miss Ella. I find myself wondering about her a lot. When I do think of her it makes me even more grateful her little sister is here. I like to smell her skin (as weird as that may be), and run my hands along her feet and hands. I study each part of her as to not forget her. After Ella was born, I think thats one of the parts I regret not doing. Taking the time to actually study her. Maybe I could see her face and feel her one more time. We do have pictures of her but thats nothing like actually seeing her. I can vaguely remember what it was like to hold her in my arms...her stiff body was so cold. I would give my left arm for her to be here with us, alive and well. But I know as well as anyone, there isn't any bargaining that can be done..I've tried..over and over I've tried. I've thought about the past and what I would do differently in some vain attempt to get the past back and have her here with us..

That wasn't the direction where I intended for this blog to go...oh well right?!

I find myself feeling guilty for being this way...I feel like I could be doing something with more meaning than staying home and taking care of my baby..Not that I neccesarily think I need a job to be productive..I want to help people. I want to be there when it feels like nobody else is. I wouldn't want to make my baby feel like she's not as worth it to me as someone else though...I like how I work out how I've been feeling when I write things out, has that ever happened to you?

I want to be a better wife, in my mind that means being super mommy..having Claire on a strict schedule, she's never crabby. bringing in extra cash by staying home and teaching Claire how to spell her name, get her potty trained and able to recite the abc's and her numbers. (Now I know she is only almost 11 months old and those are some unrealistic expectations but do you see what i'm getting at sorta?), always have Joe's meals and laundry done. While I am perfectly kept and dressed when he comes home.(and 50 lbs lighter without the downer of diabetes as well) and never too tired to be intimate.

I don't know why I feel this way, I know its unrealistic..I put high expectations on myself and don't know how to take them down and be okay with it and feel like its okay to be the person I am.