Saturday, October 29, 2011

I don't know where to start...

I've thought about writing a post several times, problem is that I don't know where to begin. First thought, my baby turns one very soon!!! Its crazy to me that she's grown this fast! However, I think that any mother would say that. We will be spending a couple days in Illinois with my side of the family for her birthday. I'm excited to be home again..thankfully, I will have Joe with me this time :)

Second thought, the book I've been reading "What Women Fear" is stinking awesome and really helping me to feel less alone and making me realize I have fears I wasn't even aware, at first thought, you'd think thats a bad thing but if I know I face a specific fear I can do what I can to correct the problem.  One problem I realize is that I compare myself to others quite a bit! I think 'oh, she's a better mom than me. she never seems lonely. isolated and manages 436243 kids at once' I just have one kid and struggle. I feel guilty for feeling isolated, lonely and unfulfilled because I DID lose a child and after she was gone, I ignorantly thought 'man, if I could just have another kid I could stop feeling lonely, isolated and unfulfilled'..funny how life does that to a person. I've had this fear of death happening soon (to me) and that I'm sort of wasting my life waiting to die...I know, sounds dramatic eh? But recently, I've realized that I'm in the place God has placed me for now...he's allowed me to be a stay at home mom right now and I shouldn't be wondering about something 'better' I could be doing. After all, whats better than being a mommy and showing her Christ's love every day?

Thirdly, I think the anxiety I've dealt with for the past 6 months is finally getting better!

Lastly, I need some time with my husband! he's either at work or school it seems.

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