Friday, November 25, 2011

there is hope...

and I am trying to hold onto that fact. I have been missing Ella. It doesn't help that it's getting colder outside and thats typically the time that most people are prone to depression. I'm not depressed..I know I have a lot of good things going for me. I am married to a good guy, I have 2 girls (one of which went from my belly into heaven. I already have one foot in heaven) we have been blessed enough to have our other girl turn one year old recently. I am so happy that we had such a great support system during my pregnancy. I was just reading another BLM's (baby loss mom) blog. In it, she was talking about how she had to make a choice. She had to choose whether or not to love the baby she currently carries within her womb. I COULD TOTALLY RELATE!!! We lost Ella late in the 'game' so when Claire was coming along I sort of found myself at a loss. I didn't know if I should just try my hardest not to get attached or should I love her with all that I have in me? It took me a few times of going back and forth to decide that even though we lost one baby, I shouldn't make the new baby 'pay' for my broken heart. I'm so glad I did love Claire like I did while she was in my belly. Even late into the pregnancy I was saying 'if we take her home' I knew very well what could happen.When Ella died, I had this..complex I guess you'd call it about if Ella knew I loved her. I still sometimes wonder. I did want my baby girl. I did! It tears me up when I think of women (or teen girls) killing their children or literally throwing them in the trash or flushing them down the toilet like they are waste.
During my pregnancy with Ella, I really do think something was preparing me for what was going to come. Call it mother's intuition or the Holy Spirit (or maybe both) but I literally would say 'take her if you want God, she's yours not mine. I don't care. do what you have to.' I look back on that now and think "how ignorant was I of the pain I would later be in?" I feel guilty and responsible for my child's death...

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


Claire the bear turned one today! It was a blessed day. We got up, went to Bible study, had a playdate, came home for a couple hours and went to paint.  She got a couple gifts from a couple ladies that attend the Bible study with me! One woman made cupcakes in honor of Claire's birthday. Nadine, Claire and I went to the pottery place here in town and painted on a plate. Claire's little footprint is on it. It's going to be cute, er, at least I hope. I'm not very artistic so I hope it turns out alright.There's so much pressure to make everything okay for her, even if it is just a plate..I know that sounds super dumb.

We went to Illinois this past weekend to have an early birthday party for Claire with my family. She adored all the attention she was given. She got lots of gifts. She was adorable with her little petite cake she got. She started clapping and got the cake all over the floor and herself and her daddy.

Since I clearly knew Claire's birthday was soon, I've been thinking about the fact that we should have been able to celebrate Ella's first birthday with her. Sometimes, I feel like your sitting there reading this (those of you who do) thinking 'just leave well enough alone! the past is the past!' but I assure you, I cannot. Even though I do have her little sister to feel the empty 'baby hole', I still ache for my firstborn. I still think about the fact that our family will never be complete, we are a family of 3 instead of 4.

I had someone send me a message of facebook telling me its time to change my profile picture to Claire. Right now, its a picture of Ella. Now, this person might not have meant it the way I took it but I took it as 'we're tired of looking at your dead baby' It hurts! I hope I'm reading too much into it.I just want to be validated that she did matter..she does matter.. I will never get over her..

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

cars..who needs em...

All they are is trouble! Yesterday we put our car in the shop..again..well, I don't mean it to sound like the car is always there but over the past..9 months I'd say we have spent around the department of $2,000 getting it fixes and the sad part is..once it is 'fixed' it won't truly be fixed..there are other things wrong that need fixed. We had made plans to celebrate Claire's birthday with my family. Her real birthday isn't until next Wednesday but I we were going to have a small get together with some of my family. Clearly, her birthday means more to me than it does to Claire. It's really an honor to be able to celebrate her first year of living! (outside my womb obviously)  I'm not trying to discount her pregnancy as her not living. nevermind. The fact that we didn't get to celebrate Ella's birthday with her here with us makes it extra disheartening about this car situation..

anyone giving away any cars that would suit a family of 3?