Thursday, April 21, 2011

Claire's asleep!!

I thought I'd get in a little blogging time before she gets up. Well, hopefully. I have been having a rather difficult time as of late. I know I will get through it thought and I HATE sounding so...down..I feel like I've been posting sad kind of things lately.

I still feel like I don't do much during the day. I mean, anything making me active. I am with my baby all day (I am NOT complaining about that) I love love love my baby. I just don't like the fact that I feel like all we do is sit. I know I am wasting time not being happy with where I am in life. I feel like since I am not really doing anything I am just wasting my life away..dumb right? I am raising a little girl! Thats pretty much a super engaging job. If you don't know or remember (or maybe you do and wish I'd stop bringing it up) I'm diabetic and I'm scared I will not be here to watch her on her 10th or 15th birthday. I want my sight! I want my legs and feet in 50 years! Sometimes with diabetes it just kind of takes over. Regardless of the effort put forth of the person the diabetes infects.

 I wonder if I am doing the right thing by Claire and Joe by staying home with her and not working. I know it is best for her if I do. If I really think about it, I am even saving money by staying home. Daycare and transportation bills aren't cheap and if you add costs of doctor visits and stuff because of possible sickness. Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better. I just don't want her to be anti social and weird as a kid/teen/adult. We have plans for me to homeschool her. I lack confidence in some subjects. The way they teach in school now..well, its just a lot quicker and seems faster paced than it used to be. I'm scared to send my kid to school though..if you watch or read the news the reasons why are more than obvious.

How does a person not allow their child (baby) to be the center of their marriage? Joe and I get no time anymore to just be "us". I honestly can't remember the last time we went out for a date. I don't want Claire to move out of the house and my marriage fall apart because we were 'keeping it up for the kids'.

My doctor's nurse (weird kind of I know) and I have been emailing each other back and forth. She thinks it would be best for me to get back on anti anxiety medicines. I took them after Ella was born. I was just in a dark spot and I couldn't find my way out. I was constantly on edge about something. I think I remember telling a friend I had gotten 6 hours of sleep in 2 nights because of the constant anxiety. I continued taking it during Claire's pregnancy so I wouldn't get too worked up. We lost our daughter 2 weeks before she was due in my last pregnancy so I didn't really have a 'marker' to look forward to passing so I wouldn't be so nervous. To make matters worse, I had a doctor appointment days before her death and everything was seemingly great. I don't want to depend on a medicine to get me through. At the same time I understand that the reason I should be taking it is because of something HORRIBLE that happened in my life and I will never to be able to not be effected by it.

I'm trying to look to God now. I just hadn't been feeling Him lately. I read a post today on facebook and someone had commented on not feeling Him either. It was then I realized how stupid I was being. Thank God we don't have to FEEL him to KNOW he's there.

if you have any feedback..namely other moms PLEASE say whats on your mind

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