Tuesday, July 19, 2011

its officially 2 years

Since we lost our first baby girl. She died at almost 38 weeks into the pregnancy and was born exactly 38 weeks along. Today has pretty much been a hum drum do nothing day.. I thought about Ella all day but I didn't really feel like it was hard till the later part of the afternoon. I wanted to cry! It's the sort of cry where if you start you don't know if you'll stop though. I went into Collin's room (my nephew. I've been sleeping in his room part of the time I have been here) and played with him and Claire..well, sort of.I was mostly distant. Shedding a tear here and there..so Collin wouldn't catch on to what was going on. Later my sister asks me if I want to go swimming with all my other nephews and niece (at least on this side of the family) I told her I didn't really feel like doing anything. That I didn't know if I wanted anyone around or to be alone..I finally really cried..She thankfully called my other sister (who has lost a child as well) because she had somewhere to be and couldn't stay home with me. I'm grateful my older sister came to get me. It turns out, I do think I needed to be around people..especially 2 who understand baby death. I kept thinking today..I haven't done anything to honor her memory..I haven't even been to her grave. It's been like a year since I've been there. There isn't anything really to look at. At least where her grave is concerned. She is buried with my nephew in his plot so at least I have his headstone to look at. It's awkward going to a cemetary and even more awkward being there for your own child. I had an even harder time I think because Joe wasn't here with me. I dreamed last night that he came home early then I woke up and realized it was just me and claire (and collin) in the room. I hated the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I guess I have honored Ella in thinking of ways she has blessed me..understanding, being genuine, honest and compassionate I suppose. Before she passed away I don't think I could really be there for others in hard times..then again, maybe that comes with age. I'm not sure. anyway. I will see my husband in a few days and I am so excited about it! I'm more than ready for him to hold me again.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Ashley! You are such a strong woman. Baby Ella is remembered by many people around the world. I am thinking about you today, and about your beautiful Ella. Give Claire a hug from me!