Wednesday, November 16, 2011


Claire the bear turned one today! It was a blessed day. We got up, went to Bible study, had a playdate, came home for a couple hours and went to paint.  She got a couple gifts from a couple ladies that attend the Bible study with me! One woman made cupcakes in honor of Claire's birthday. Nadine, Claire and I went to the pottery place here in town and painted on a plate. Claire's little footprint is on it. It's going to be cute, er, at least I hope. I'm not very artistic so I hope it turns out alright.There's so much pressure to make everything okay for her, even if it is just a plate..I know that sounds super dumb.

We went to Illinois this past weekend to have an early birthday party for Claire with my family. She adored all the attention she was given. She got lots of gifts. She was adorable with her little petite cake she got. She started clapping and got the cake all over the floor and herself and her daddy.

Since I clearly knew Claire's birthday was soon, I've been thinking about the fact that we should have been able to celebrate Ella's first birthday with her. Sometimes, I feel like your sitting there reading this (those of you who do) thinking 'just leave well enough alone! the past is the past!' but I assure you, I cannot. Even though I do have her little sister to feel the empty 'baby hole', I still ache for my firstborn. I still think about the fact that our family will never be complete, we are a family of 3 instead of 4.

I had someone send me a message of facebook telling me its time to change my profile picture to Claire. Right now, its a picture of Ella. Now, this person might not have meant it the way I took it but I took it as 'we're tired of looking at your dead baby' It hurts! I hope I'm reading too much into it.I just want to be validated that she did matter..she does matter.. I will never get over her..


  1. Happy Birthday to little Claire Bear! You should post some pictures showing how much she has grown in the last year!
    You are not alone in remembering Ella. And she is part of you and your family, she always will be! Hugs!

  2. Thank you Sandy. It would be fun to be a colage of her up! It'd be a cool little keepsake. Thank you for your reassurance of ms. Ella. One of my biggest fears as her momma is her living a life that didn't matter