Tuesday, August 30, 2011

fighting off lonliness

I enjoy spending one-on-one time with ms. Claire. At the same time, I hate being alone ALL of THE time....or, it feels like all the time. Joe is a full time student with a job. He gets called in frequently when he's not scheduled to work. I appreciate that he has a job. I appreciate that he has the opprotunity to go to school. I appreciate that we have enough to cover bills. I just don't appreciate being so lonesome. I know I talk about it a lot..but its on my mind a lot! So if it seeps out of my mind onto the computer..it'll be better. right? eh, I don't know about that. If that were the case, I'd be over it by now.

Four days ago I emailed someone at CCCB about taking online classes..that person has yet to email back..ugghh!! Its making me sort of crazy..sort of.

Yesterday we took Claire to the doctor for a lump Joe found on her booty the night before. The first thought (almost always) that comes to my mind when something mysterious happens or she gets sick is "why"..."One of my kids has died and now this...." I would have hoped that two years later I would have moved past these 'grief issues' but clearly, that has not been the case.

I really miss CCCB. A LOT! I just miss that period in my life. I miss constantly being lifted up spiritually. I need it! I miss the friends I made there, I miss the familiarity of the town.  I'm not saying I would change having my children or getting married! Not at all! I just need some stability I guess. Stability wasn't anything I ever got used to growing up..and I NEED it now. I know I have Joe..I think God planted it in our hearts for our spouses not to be enough so we can follow hard after Him. But I have been struggling with spiritual warfare..I'd say since Ella died.

Today, I was doing dishes. Claire was playing in the living room when I left to go into the kitchen. Later, I noticed I didn't hear any noise coming from the living room (besides the cartoon I'd turned on for her) I searched under the table, between chairs..the bedrooms..frantically calling out for her at the same time..no Claire to be found. I realized I hadn't checked the bathroom. I went in there and there she was! Standing at the tub..looking like she was ready for a bath or something. I cried of course when I found her...but not letting her see me. I'm trying (maybe not as much as I should) not letting her see me upset. I want her to know that I love her and that I am SOO glad she's here.

It's been on my heart that I treat my friends better than I treat Joe sometimes..I hate that I do that, I like that I can get so comfortable with him but hate that I nit pick at him. I know thats not the way he needs to be loved..

Saturday, August 27, 2011

I'm been considering...

going back to school!!! Since we are in Warrensburg I will take online classes more than likely. When I came to CCCB a few years ago, I came with a intent to get a degree in Christian Counseling. After a semester, (with some influence from others) decided it was too hard. I have been thinking about finishing my degree for awhile. Since before I came to CCCB..in '06 I wanted to work in a church as a counselor. It would be awesome to feel like I'm contributing to our finances when our kids are at school. I want to be a SAHM but if/when the kids go to school, I want to feel like I'm contributing. I don't know if its American society but I just feel like I'm on desert island being home ALL of the time. I feel like I should be working. I have been sending up small prayers now and then asking God to make it clear if I'm supposed to pursue this degree thing. I want to do it but I don't want to do it strictly on emotion. Does that make sense?

Saturday, August 20, 2011

It's Saturday!

It seems I've spent the majority of the day putting away clothes ms. Claire has grown out of in boxes. I have yet to put away her laundry that was cleaned last night away. I have to put away stuff she can't wear yet too. I am debating on the idea of keeping the clothes or giving them to salvation army. I want to keep them in case we have another baby girl. However, I have learned from past experiences even though we plan for something doesn't mean its going to happen.
Joe can't work this week. Our car has been overheating the last couple days. It stinks a lot! I don't know how we will get Claire to her doctor appointment next week or get groceries...AHH!! I don't like stress...then again, I don't know many people who enjoy being stressed. I need to make it the my doctor hopefully soon. I can't do it till the car stops overheating but to do that takes money and we won't have any till next week. I'm glad we will have some money soon though. I really hope its something that doesn't take a lot of money to fix.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


has gotten ahold of me and shook me..again..not as severely as two years ago and I pray I will never be shaken like that again. I am still dealing with anxiety issues. I just wish I could..well..wish it all away. Most of my fears are about my health declining and dying. It may be totally irrational but to me, its totally real and I hate it. I still haven't gone to the Doctor to ask her whats going on with my body. Its still doing things it did a couple years ago..my counselor at the time said its a symptom of grief. Its hard to face facts that my body is forever changed because of the 2 children I shared it with. I'm not saying I regret those children..not even for a second but I do hate what childbearing has done to me..and we still want more..crazy? I think so yes, probably. I have been thinking of Ella a lot & sort of going back in time. I'm still struggling with the same thoughts I had then.Such as, "is Heaven real?" "Am I just wishfully thinking its real so that way I don't have to face reality I will never see her again?" As I write this, a Bible verse popped into my head "you will not allow your Holy one to decay". Its been happening a lot when I have questions like that..but then I wonder if it really is the Holy Spirit speaking to me or if...again..its wishful thinking.

Joe finally found a job!! He's a delivery driver for a chinese place here in town. I am looking...no hits yet but I think they will come if they are supposed to. We need a new car..when I say new I mean new used car. what an oxymoron right? I want something that will allow me to have Claire with me. Speaking of Claire, she is 9 months today!She has been crawling, pulling herself up on things, playing in her pack n play longer and saying "mom". when she first starting trying to say "mom" or "momma" it sounded like "bubba" I thought she was saying "bubba" but in hindsight, I think she was just making her way towards calling for me.

Friday, August 5, 2011

I am..

looking for a part time job! Joe found a job this week. He's a delivery driver for one of the Chinese places here in town. The woman who runs it is UBER nice. She almost always starts a conversation when we go in there. She plays with Claire while mom & dad eat *as well as some of the waitresses*.
I am hoping to find something in babysitting. I feel like it would be easier so that way ms. Claire always has one of her parents around. If there is ANY way I can avoid daycare I want to do it. It's important to Joe and I that she is raised by her parents..not someone else. I know it might seem like a contradiction wanting to get a job caring for someone else's children while they work but my conviction is to be Claire's sole care provider

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

we've been home for a week now!

It's been really great to be back in our routine. I do realize that I want to be busier though. I really liked having something to do. I have been considering finding a job where I can work a couple days a week at least. I don't want Claire in daycare. It's hard to know who I can trust with my child unless I know them personally. Maybe spending time in a daycare just observing for awhile would make me feel better. I remember the first few days home, I would wake up thinking 'where am I?' I forgot we were home!
Joe has had a stuffy nose since about the middle of his Philippines trip I think. It's taken him some time to readjust his schedule. It's been interesting to watch him to try adjust.
The baby is finally getting a tooth! She has a terrible diaper rash though so it's hard to watch her go through that. She will be 9 months in a couple weeks wow wee!! Joe may have a job soon & school is starting up soon here before too long...
What will we do on the hottest day on record? any suggestions?