Friday, December 31, 2010

A new year!

Happy new year everyone! Hope everyone has a good night tonight and stays safe. As for me and my family, we are home watching television and thinking about sleep.

I was relieved last year when the year of '09 had ended but at the same time saddened. 2009 was "Ella's" year. It was nice to be able to say 'goodbye' to all that hurt and pain, the pain of losing her will never be totally gone though. I felt sad because I felt like I was letting her go. I know that isn't logical at all but thats how I felt. Having Claire has definitely eased some of the pain. Well, I'd say having her eased the hole in our hearts where we longed to have a child to care for. I feel guilty at times for feeling overwhelmed still. I know its horrible, but there were times I would think "I wish you weren't ever born". Now I know I didn't mean this when I thought it..if that makes sense. I am ashamed to say that. I think it was partially due to hormones and also I was (and still get) frustrated because I should have had an idea how to parent Claire when she came home. I was supposed to have Ella. Then again, if Ella had been born and things were fine, I wonder if Claire would have made it here. I know I've said that before but I still can't get over it. I wonder what God's plan is for Claire. I'm not saying God "made" Ella die. I am saying that he didn't stop it and is going to and has been working through losing our firstborn.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Claire's first Christmas

We didn't do much of anything today. We didn't travel, we already did last week. We don't have any family here in Warrensburg so we just stayed home! Joe made us omelets this morning for breakfast, he made some of kind of dip and we're gonna eat roast here in a couple hours (it took a long time to cook). Claire slept a lot better last night than she had been. She only woke up once in the middle of the night to eat! I was excited. She was up about 6 or 7 am, went back to sleep and then woke up again an hour later. I took a few pictures of her to commemorate this day and then she went to sleep soon afterwards. She's in her seat now that vibrates! I think she took a little nap in it. She's still having trouble sleeping alone so I was excited that she slept in it. Her daddy must have the touch. He put her down in it after she fell asleep and she stayed asleep, if I do it she wakes up! I wonder if when we went on our trips last week I kind of set her back on the whole 'lets get you to sleep alone.' thing. Our sleeping was a lot different than it is at home. Joe and I slept in different beds most of the time and the baby was with me.
Sleeping issues aside, our trips were well needed I think. People got to meet Claire who hadn't before. It was nice for them and nice for me too. I appreciated the extra help and appreciated feeling like I have a life outside my apartment again.  I still find it hard to take in sometimes that I get to be someone's mommy. There are times I wonder if I will mess her up. I wonder how I will get through the stages we will go through as she gets older. I guess thats just something you learn as you go..maybe? I wonder how Joe and I will tell her about Ella and explain that she is in Heaven in a way that she will understand.
I know I do not HAVE to worry. In fact, I am told not to but I can't seem to shake it. I try to hand over my issues to God but I guess that doesn't seem to be enough somehow. You'd think it would be. After all, he did get me through the loss of one child and allowed me to birth a perfectly healthy (live) baby. Even the other day he was still proving himself to me. Claire hadn't dirtied her diaper yet and Joe and I were kind of scared about that fact. I prayed that God would allow her to..dirty it so we wouldn't worry and like 5-10 minutes later she did! I am finding it easier to do things that I liked doing before the baby was born, such as read a book. I may not be able to sit down and read whenever I want but I can in the middle the of the night while I'm nursing! I'm starting to get the hang of this mom thing

Thursday, December 23, 2010

being on both sides of loss

really is bittersweet. It's heart wrenching. Claire hadn't pooped in awhile that Joe and I noticed and it was scary. I said a prayer for her in my head as I was making Joe cookies (He turned 25 today). Both my doctors offices are closed and Claire's pediatrician's office is closed as well. I was getting ready to call the 'on call' pediatrician and Joe told me she made a stinky fart! It turned out that she had actually pooped. I know it seems stupid to rejoice when your kid poops but for a baby thats a big deal. I was praising God when I heard she pooped (and as I was changing her diaper).
Losing Ella has really taught me a whole new perspective on things. As Christmas approaches, I think about Ella more. What would life look like if we had both girls with us? (assuming Claire would have came too even if Ella had lived) Claire really is a big blessing, I can't hardly stand the thought of her not being here. Instead of saying "I have to wake up with Claire in the middle of the night." I instead want to put a whole new perspective on it. " I get to wake up with her" Last year we didn't get that. I didn't get to experience waking up during the night with a newborn. I didn't get the cuddles and kisses (I think Claire seems she likes to suck on my lips or whatever she can stick in her mouth)
Claire will turn 6 weeks old this coming Tuesday..CrAzY!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

we're back

we got back from our 'trips' yesterday. Being away for awhile was nice but at the same time, we were gone so long I was super ready to be home. The baby did really good last night. She woke up at like 5:30am to eat. However, she didn't sleep on her own last night. We put her in the cradle when she fell asleep and each time she woke up shortly after crying. I wonder if it had anything to do with having different sleeping arrangements while we were gone from home. I'm hoping she gets back to normal quickly. She is making new noises, they are so adorable. I feel like I continue to fall more in love with her every day. Is it weird that I like the smell of her breath? I like it when she breaths on me so I can smell it..I know thats probably weird. I want to get involved in a MOPS group or something. Something that will get me out of the house. It's easy for me to feel secluded and get depressed if I'm alone a lot.

I've been thinking of Ella more lately. People who we would visit with would call Claire "Ella". Well, some people did...not a lot.I'm not saying I'm mad about it or anything. There are times I want to call her Ella. I wonder how I would have dealt with having two girls. I wonder how I'd deal with a year old and a month old. Then again, If Ella would have made it, would we have Claire? What was God's plan when we took Ella back and gave us the desire to try for another baby? I love Claire so much. I wouldn't want to live life without her.

Monday, December 20, 2010

taking a break..

from home that is.we left last Thursday after Claire's pediatrician appointment. (Which went very well)
she weighs 7 lbs and almost 2 ounces now. she's still a little small for her age but she came early and well, joe and I aren't the tallest either. we came to moberly, stayed there for the night and then went on to Illinois.
my 3 year old nephew kept asking me if claire is my baby and when I said yes he said something like 'baby go by by' or something like that. He didn't appreciate Claire getting attention because that meant he isn't the baby grandchild anymore. When he saw my mom holding Claire he reached his arms out to her and said 'no. hold me!!!' I admit, it was kinda cute. we are back in moberly until tomorrow and then its homeward bound!

when I am at home a lot I feel like I need to get outta the house, now that I've been gone, I want to go home! I don't know what it is..but it seems like that's always the way it goes

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

oh life..

Continues to be a wild ride! I fall in love with our little baby a little more everyday. Claire amazes me everyday with the things she does and the cute noises she makes. She's changed so much in the past month in the way she looks. Typically she doesn't wake up during the night a lot to eat. She has her "spurts" where she wants to nurse frequently. I'm getting the hang of being a momma more. Reading baby's cues has gotten a little easier-when it comes to learning what she likes anyway (such as position to be held in)
I have to say, I enjoy being a mommy rather than not. At first I was overwhelmed because I felt like I didn't have time to do the things I used to do before she was born and it seemed like Joe did. I would feel guilty if I took any time just to take a break from being mommy and part of me still does but I'm learning to let Joe share the responsibility of taking care of her.  There is part of me that feels guilty for feeling guilty when I get overwhelmed because of losing Ella. I feel like since we lost one I shouldn't feel overwhelmed. 

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

the days just keep going faster..

it seems like since the day Claire was born every day just goes by so fast! I love being her mommy. I hope I don't mess it up! She's got baby acne pretty bad but I am told that it doesn't last long so thats good and it doesn't seem to be bothering her any. She still has trouble sleeping on her own. She rarely (or so it seems) can bear to be put down. I am working on that though..I'm trying to put her down more often lately (well, really recently) until she cries..sometimes she lasts longer than the last time she was put down so I think its some kind of progress! I don't have that much time to clean the apartment and the things I did when I was pregnant (such as read a book) I have no time for anymore. At first, I gotta admit, I was a little resentful for but I think that was just the feeling of being overwhelmed with taking care of this new little person. I felt bad for feeling angry. We lost our first child so therefore, I felt like I shouldn't feel overwhelmed and stressed when Claire came along. Second, I realize Claire only cries when she needs something, and isn't trying to bring stress on me. I felt bad for being mad. I dunno if this even makes sense. I'm hoping you all will see my feelings as normal and they don't make me some horrible person. I realize my hormones are trying to balance themselves as well so its making things a little difficult. We are adjusting better now though I'd say. Yesterday a friend treated Joe and I to lunch. It was really nice to get outta the house and feel like a real person (as well as a mommy) again.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

coming close to week 3 with Claire

she'll be 3 weeks old this coming Tuesday. Last night she slept a little better than the night before. She still hates to sleep alone. I wonder when that will end. One of us constantly has to be there while she is sleeping in order to be content. I am told it will get better but I just wonder when and how. If I can't put her down for a nap without her whining, I don't know how it will get any better. I guess thats just my ignorance as her mommy. I hope anyway