Thursday, September 8, 2011

I wanted more....

So, lately, I have been thinking of Ella..A LOT! Although, I don't think she never strays from my mind too far. I can't help but still feel SO guilty. I miss her! I wanted Claire to have a big sister that she could see, hear, and touch. I wanted Joe to have the experience of being happy that his first little girl was born alive and is exceedingly healthy.

When I think back over her pregnancy I don't remember much of it. I wanted more memories..I wanted more time...I don't want to be part of this group of people...people who know whats its like to lose a child...know what its like to watch your child decay and be put in a casket. The natural order would be for her to bury me and eventually her children bury her and the cycle continues (at least until God decides its okay for Jesus to come back) I'm not saying losing a parent or a grandparent doesn't hurt. I'm sure it does. I've still got both my parents here and have only been through the experience of losing 1 other grandfather and mother passed a long time ago. I had yet to be born when my grandma died and I was very young when her husband died.

I remember a specific time in my pregnancy thinking.."if you take her God. I don't care. She's yours, not mine" Now I look back and think "I DON'T CARE!!!! WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!!?????" I care more than I ever could have thought at that specific time..other times...more than once I remember in the later part of the pregnancy when I would sit in the bathtub, hold my belly and just cry. I would think "What if God DOES take her?"And he one of the last moments I thought possible, he did. The day before I went the hospital (or maybe the morning of) I remember looking at her carseat and diaper bag thinking "we get a baby home soon. thats so cool! or will we?" Maybe it was mother's intuition, the holy spirit or a bit of both telling me something was wrong..the night before I remember going to the sowers' house to watch "faith like potatoes" I didn't feel one movement. I wish I would have cherished that time harder...little did I know, my baby was already 'sleeping'

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