Tuesday, August 31, 2010


I look at pictures of her and want to reach out and touch her. It takes me a minute to realize I cannot. I feel like as her mother I should be able to though. Yesterday we saw Claire! We had another doctor appointment yesterday. She's doing well! Yesterday when we were watching her, she winked! Apparently she's not supposed to do that till 28 weeks. I will be 27 on Friday! She also has hair! Which also isn't supposed to happen till the 28th week. In the words of the nurse "she's smarter than ALL the other babies."  of course she said that in a joking way. Joe might get a job at the kfc here. He handed in his application and talked to the shift manager. They are hiring she said and the fact that he's worked at other kfc's for 6 years looks good on his application. I'm pretty tired of this no income deal. It's amazing how much having money makes me feel stable.  I can't decide if thats a good thing or not. I talked to the doctor yesterday about the anti anxiety medicine i'm on. The other doctor I go to, her nurse told me it was unsafe for baby to take the anti anxiety medicine during the last trimester. The high risk doctor said that when we weigh all the factors of this pregnancy, it's more worth it to stay on the medicine. He told me that there is a 1 percent chance the baby could have something wrong with her heart if I stay on it.  I would think that since we have had so many ultrasounds and will have more they will know if she has something wrong. I think 2 percent of babies with mom's on an anxiety have a chance on neonatal withdrawal. That just means that they get fussy, and have a hard time eating. He told me that since I am on the medicine because I have already lost a child. Once I have Claire in my arms and realize she's safe I could probably get off the medicine. Another thing I found interesting is that he said because of my mthfr mutations (look it up. it's hard to explain) I am more prone to depression. CRAZY! He up'd the dosage on my insulin yesterday as well. This morning my blood sugar was 81! I haven't seen it be that good in a long time!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

thoughts..er, sorta

So, this morning church was great! We talked about David again. Which, is sort of redundant but mostly great. He was a man after God's own heart and thats what I want to be. Him and I even have something in common, we both lost a child. Different circumstances of course but we both know what its like to deal with your baby dying. Sid (the preacher) is really cool I think. During part of the service he was talking about how everyone is just as important as the other. Such as, the guys who lead worship are just as important as the preacher. I liked that. He's not a cocky "I'M THE PREACHER" kinda guy. I appreciate that. Tonight we are going to a bbq with our little group at church. They are mostly all married couples. in fact, I think we are all married actually. Another lady and I in the group are going to have our babies a month apart. Another lady just showed us an ultrasound picture today. She is obviously newly pregnant. I was making a list of places today that Joe could apply to. They are mostly places we didn't think of. Last night he said he had a dream he got a job and then of course woke up to realize it wasn't real...complete frustration! He said he also had a dream I went into false labor. Apparently we had drove all the way to Columbia in his dream just to have it be a false alarm! And of course, he woke up and realized Claire is still in the belly..frustration again. Not that we want her to come out now! I'm only 26 weeks but at the same time we are very anxious. We just want our little girl. We already missed out on our first..maybe that has something to do with it. It also makes us nervous that I'm diabetic. But the good thing is the dr doesn't seem concerned that we will lose this baby. Speaking of  Claire, she really likes to hang out in momma's ribs. She is only like what, 2 lbs now? so it doesn't hurt. I'm hoping that if she decides to stay in my ribs the rest of the pregnancy it doesn't hurt. We have 79 days I believe until she comes!!! This morning Sid was talking a bit about backsliding, he raised an interesting point, that as a whole when we talk about backsliding, we normally mean that someone has gotten so far behind, they don't even care about God anymore. But it seemed like his opinion is that backsliding means sliding away from the closest you've ever been to God. Make sense? I want some opinions on that if anyone has any. Please keep praying for us (Claire included) . I start seeing the dr once a week here soon because of non stress tests. With Joe having no job, that could prove to be difficult.we still have a little less than 3 months of pregnancy left. I get worn out easily it seems, sometimes it feels like I can't breathe, and just gets hard to carry around my big belly. I am not trying to complain about my pregnancy..I know its going to seem that way when you read this. If I could trade Claire for all the comfort in the world I wouldn't do it!  I am trying to think about how and when I am going to tell Claire about Ella. It's hard because I don't know how to tell her in a way I think she might understand. I don't want to pretend Ella never existed either. When asked how many kids I have I say 2..so I'm definately not trying to ignore her. Believe me though, sometimes I am tempted to forget. If I do I don't have to deal with the hurt of losing our child.

Friday, August 27, 2010

sitting in...

This morning I sat in on one of Joe's classes. It was a "cultural landscaping" class. It was rather interesting I thought. They were going over things like military time (because a student had apparently asked in a previous class about it) and what you think a place looks like based on how you think of it in your mind (I forgot the formal term). The teacher is South Korean I think. He pronounced words like "cultural" as "curture"..I'm not making fun of him. I'm just saying it was different. He seemed like a really cool guy. Anyway, thats the only class he had today. We are still waiting on Joe to find a job. It's been a humungo test of faith for me. I mean, here we are in warrensburg for 2 weeks without hardly any money. I feel very..unstable. Does that even make sense? You know how when you have a job and have financial security? Thats all I mean by that. I hate that I depend on money to make me feel secure..maybe thats the lesson i'm suppose to be learning at this point in my life..again. I obviously do not know for sure.The doctor decided today to up my insulin by like 20 units so I really hope that will help things stay under more control. I have really been trying not to freak out as much. The baby is moving well today, which is awesome! I'm trying to focus on the fact that we have her now! (she probably will not die because doctors have a reason to intervene in this pregnancy) but I cannot tell you how scared I've been that she only has a few more weeks left to live. I decided after Ella died that if I got pregnant again I would not take my babies for granted. That I would cherish any time I had with them. It's very hard for me not to wonder if she will live past birth. If I spend the rest of this pregnancy worrying if she will make it or not and forget to pay attention to what I have now, I will be totally upset with myself. This weekend will probably be spent here at the apartment. Of course we have church on Sunday! Joe has homework he needs to work on (obviously right?) Monday afternoon I've got an appointment with dr. grant. so that means we get to see our baby again! YAY!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

scary pregnancy

I ate eggs, bacon and 2 pieces of toast this morning. I took 40 units of insulin this morning. My blood sugar was over 200 after breakfast.                                                                                                                           Our baby girl's birthday is 12 weeks from today. I'm scared of losing Claire too. It helped that this morning she was jumping around like crazy. Sometimes I wonder if thats her way of saying 'I'm okay mom. Stop worrying" I wish I could stop. Well, I know I can. I just don't let myself I guess. I feel like my body is failing yet another one of our children. I'm not saying I expect for Claire to die or anything. After all, who gets pregnant with the thought in their mind that their child would die before they are even born? I feel like this past week has been one big rant fest on how stressed I am. I miss our baby Ella and I don't want to know how to feels to lose two children.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

blood sugar!

So My blood sugar got super high today. More high than it probably ever has during this pregnancy. It scared me kind of. The range it was today was the range it was right after I realized something was wrong with Ella because my sugars hadn't gotten that high with her (at least not while I was checking. I didn't know I needed to check till I was 6 months along!) I called the dr's office. He told the nurse to tell me that I had probably just eaten too many carbs for that lunch. It stinks knowing that I had helped myself make my blood sugar get so high. Joe is having a super hard time finding a job, I asked him just how many jobs he applied to and he told me at least a dozen probably. We are doing really poorly financially. I've got my dr appts on Monday. in Columbia for the baby. The high risk dr wants to start seeing me every 2 weeks for non stress tests. One of the ladies' blogs I recently decided to follow was talking about how God's Word is worthless to us as any other book to us if we don't pick it up and read it. That, to me, was a wake up call. I'm trying to hold on to God's promises that he will take care of us...I just wonder when we will start getting financial peace....

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


my new profile picture was taken today. I am now 25 weeks and 4 days. I'm going to stay pregnant until almost 38 weeks. I'm pretty darn excited for this little girl to be born! The doctor put me on another kind of insulin as well as the kind I was already on. The nurse told me I may have to take one of the insulin several times a day to get  things under control! It's totally stinky pricking at myself. I have needle marks where I have given myself shots. I got a couple bruises when I first started the insulin. My belly is humungo (obviously right?) I'm not complaining. I hate to sound like I'm complaining about this pregnancy at all. I'm pretty sure after losing our first daughter it taught me just how much being pregnant is an awesome gift. I've heard of others not being able to have children or they consistently keep losing them. I pray that I don't have to find out how hard it is to lose more than 1 child. I am joining a Bible study tonight at the Christian Campus House. I know, I know, its for the students. I talked to the person leading it. I told her I felt a little weird joining in when I was "Joe's wife". She told me not to worry about it and that I could come. I'm really hoping to make some awesome friendships. I need them! I told Joe today that I'm starting to feel like I'm in seclusion a bit. I got a text today saying a friend I met at the Bible College is in the hospital. I couldn't imagine how scary I might be in her place..can you all pray for her? Her name is Allie. Thanks!

Monday, August 23, 2010

worry and doubt...

Doesn't the Bible say something about that? Why is it SO hard to actually live out? As time gets closer to the 37th week in this pregnancy. The more scared I seem to get. The 37th week is when Ella died. I was actually closer to the 38th week but hadn't quite reached it yet when she died. My blood sugar keeps spiking...well, I shouldn't say that. It just stays up pretty much. I have a few normal levels but more often than not, they are high. I know very well I could lose Claire because my blood sugar is so high. Once I learned I am in fact not invinsible (sp) when we lost Ella I realized that anything can happen. I'm 24 weeks into this pregnancy. I'm thankful that everything is going fine (besides the bs levels obviously). Can my negative thinking effect the outcome of this pregnancy? Not that I think "oh I'm gonna lose her" so I will but I just mean, can I make things worse on her? I miss Ella. It's very hard to remain positive once you feel like lightening has struck you. If I let myself even try to stay positive about this pregnancy I wonder if I'm just setting myself up for deeper disappointment and heartbreak. Sometimes, it feels like I can barely breathe because of the fear. At least it seems to be because of the fear (and the mix of Claire pushing on my lungs) The anxiety isn't making it any better though. I think I actually started to have a panic attack the other night..

1st Peter 5:7(NASB)
"casting all your anxiety for him, because he cares for you."


How in the world do I put music on here? If anyone knows how to do it, please put it in really simple terms. computers are not something I'm the best at

Sunday, August 22, 2010

oh Claire...

During church this morning she gave her dad and I quite a scare! She didn't move at all till communion was over. For her, thats not really normal. She likes to move before and after I eat. When I ate breakfast this morning I felt nothing. Even after a bottle of milk I felt nothing. Thankfully she has been moving around today, making my belly jump even! It felt like losing a baby all over again in a way. I mean, I know she wasn't dead but there was the thought of "what if?". The sermon was about biblical friendship. I couldn't help but think "whats going to happen if we lose Claire too?" "all our friends are 2 hours away."I don't know if that even makes sense. Right now I've got the laptop on my lap and she's seemingly dancing to the music! Joe's playing a football game on the ps3. He's getting upset over it..silly games. I don't understand but then again, I don't think he understands why I keep a blog either. Yesterday the preacher of the Northside came to give us cookies! They were yummy! I think I have just gotten less patient as of late. I think its a result of a few things. I mean, Joe doesn't have a job yet. Not that he hasn't tried but a person kinda needs a job to survive financially, I'm scared of losing another baby, since we've been here I've talked about Ella a lot more and everything in the situation surrounding her, and we just don't know many people here. The people downstairs are crazy loud at night...well, can be and I think they have a puppy (which they aren't supposed to have) It didn't help that when I saw the dog he looked like our girl dog that we had to give away. I miss CCCB still..still kinda wish I was a student..I think its more I just want the atmosphere. Okay, I don't have anything else to say. I'm just scared of losing another baby. That's kind of been the dominant thought floating around in my head lately.

Friday, August 20, 2010

it's friday!

We have lived in Warrensburg for a week officially now. I didn't do much today. I watched Gilmore Girls! It's one of my favorite shows ever! Is that lame? Anyway, So for the last day or so I've really been struggling with feeling alone. I mean, I know I have my husband here and thats awesome! I try to remind myself he is going through this with me too..maybe even worse. He's going to school with thousands of people everyday and hopefully very soon will have a job. We have our baby who will be here in less than 3 months now! I didn't really know I was struggling with not knowing anyone. It just kinda hit me..I don't know if that makes sense or not. I have times where I just wanna cry. I mean, I miss knowing people! I shouldn't complain. We have been going to the Christian Campus House a little this week. It helps! People are super nice there. We went tonight for a game night they were having. It was just board games pretty much. Joe, me and some other guys played apples to apples for almost 2 hours. We had a lot of fun. It's storming here! Its weird, I kind of like it. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I feel like the apartment building is a little more sturdy than our house in Moberly. I'm not sure if thats a fact but thats the way I feel. It may sound really juvenile (sp)  but I miss our dog. She was with us for a long time. The cat wasn't really ours but kinda was for awhile. He was a good cat and we both really liked him but I don't think I got as attached to him as I did the dog. Did anyone read the question I had for you on my last post? I can't decide what to think. I mean, I know we should treat the church building as a holy place. If we go in it in a pair of jeans and a t shirt does it mean we are treating God as if he were any less Holy than he ought to be? Hope that made sense! Things are getting down to the wire financially. Bills are starting to come in, saying we owe them money like yesterday. We have yet to hear about a job for Joe. He's a little stressed about it. At this point it seems like he's confident we will be taken care of. We are trying to find work for him. I just hope it comes soon...

Thursday, August 19, 2010


Todays been boring! Cleaning the apartment is still on the priority list unfortunately. I found out some people from home took care of our animals! The dog has been fixed and is going to a new home soon ( I think) and the cats have homes too! I'm excited about that! We went to the grocery store to get groceries tonight..well, some. It's nice to say that..grocery store. Not wal-mart. I understand Moberly has bratchers but I always kinda thought they were more expensive. It's nice that the store isn't far from our apartment at all. We are still waiting on a phone call from someone to give Joe a job. The place he will most likely get won't call him till next week! The reason I say "probably get" is because he's had experience with the job before. I talked to someone who used to live here, she said she really liked it. I hope that I start to really like it too. Yesterday I got sick..again! I thought I'd be done with the morning sickness by now. This little girl will be born in 3 months! I thought a person would be done with being sick by now. If I say things I've already said in previous posts, I'm sorry. I just forget a lot...'pregnancy brain'. So Sunday Joe and I sat in on  a Bible study. They were studying 1st Peter I wanna say. They were talking about how younger people (particularly) treat dressing for church like its no big deal. "like their dressing for the beach" what do you all think?

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

it's tuesday!

it's been a rather short day. the day has seemed to go by rather fast. joe's first day was today. he said it was kinda boring. in my opinion syllabus days usually are. i may have help cleaning the apartment tomorrow! i'm more motivated to do it if i've got help. which, usually i'm the opposite. usually i like to clean on my by myself. I kinda wish i was in school again. the whole atmosphere kind of makes me wish i was a part of it. its weird being in a school setting but having to do anything. I saw a puppy that looks like our dog. It made me sad. I miss our pup! I  still wake up expecting to take her outside. Given, it hasn't been that way everyday but I still feel like I need to take care of her. It kinda feels like i ran out on her. i wonder what she thinks happened. is that weird to wonder what a dog thinks? anyway, so, i'm tired! a lot! i wasn't tired last week but this week i feel exhausted. i wonder if i wasn't just excited to move last week so therefore wasn't paying much attention to the tiredness. i miss knowing people around town..

Monday, August 16, 2010


Baby Claire is doing great! She's weighing in at 1 lb and 11 ounces I think the doctor said. Woo Hoo! We had to be up at 6 in the morning to leave at 7 so we could be at the appointment at 9. We could see her little face in the ultrasound! She's got chubby little cheeks! I will start having appointments every week I think here soon, even though I'm only 6 months into the pregnancy. Joe may start working at a delivery place again! I'm hoping so anyway. We have like .50 to our name..maybe. If he doesn't get a job soon I'm not sure what we will do. I know God will take care of us. I should have learned by now to always have faith that he will. There are times I fret because I try to control life on my own. The apartment still needs cleaned. There is so much clutter! I hate clutter! Then again, if I hated it that much the apartment would be cleaned by now I suppose. We are getting ready to go to the Christian Campus House for 'food on a stick'! I'm excited to meet new people!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

new church

We went to Northside Christian Church this morning. We went to the main service at 9 then to a class type thing at 10:30. We ended up going to a class with older adults because the one we were interested in wasn't meeting I don't think. There was a blood drive at the church today so maybe that had something to do with it? Claire has been super active today. Like up in my ribs active! I'm so thankful it doesn't hurt. It's actually kind of amusing to feel her moving around. I know it won't last much longer. it is almost 3 months till the day she will be born. I'm excited for her to be born (of course) but I wonder if I will miss being pregnant. Maybe it's just different because I have a 'different' kind of situation. I miss being pregnant with Ella because she's not here anymore. This morning we visited that area of our lives again. The class we were in with wanted to know more about us and of course we talked about our children. Especially when asked if Claire is our first child. It's kinda awkward to tell them 'no she isn't. we had a daughter last year.' I feel like it just makes them feel sorry for us and seems like it's just making things weird from the get go. Not that I don't like talking about Ella but maybe not the first time I meet someone. Well, today someone is supposed to come look at our car and hopefully we will not have to ask for a ride to my doctor appointments tomorrow. I am hoping to get our apartment a little more straightened up today. It's a nice apartment we just can't find anything and it doesn't seem we have room for much but I think that's just going to take some organizing. Well, lunch is ready and I'm hungry and I'm pretty sure Claire must be too so I will update more later.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

we're here!

Joe and I made it to Warrensburg yesterday. It has been a crazy couple of days with trying to get finished packing and actually making it here. We are still in the process of unpacking..I just wish it was all done automatically. That'd be nice! One of the belts on the car fell off yesterday. Joe and his dad had it fixed last night then it fell off! It turns out the guy at auto zone said the part that holds the belt on was actually broken so that broke us a few bucks to say the least. On monday there is a job fair at the school Joe is going to go to. I don't intend to start work till next semester till after the baby is born. Joe brought up a good point. I don't want to be recovering from having the baby and trying to do finals as well. Given I am going to take online classes so I can get a job at the daycare but I still don't want to deal with it. We had to say goodbye to our dog yesterday, It was sad. I'm still sad over it. I woke up this morning and halfway expected to take care of her but then I remembered she is still in Moberly. However, she's in good hands so that helps me to feel better. Oh, about the belt! I called the Christian Campus House and thankfully they have a mechanic guy so he's going to come look at it tomorrow afternoon! We have only been here a day and already have received so much help! I think its going to be a good 2-4 years!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

oh my goodness!

So Joe left at about 5:30 this morning to get his parents from KC. He has yet to return so its just me here. This morning someone came to get Tiger (the cat) so he has a home, we are just hoping the person we are told would take the dog will take her today! I feel bad leaving the stray here. She's so sweet, and old, and declawed! Who does that!?!? who declaws their cat & abandons them!? anyway, so the plan is to be done packing and loading by 3 today. we'll see. I am taking a break. Its a lot of work (if anyone has ever packed a whole house before you know what I'm talking about) Joe and I had our last night here last night. kind of bittersweet actually. We've lived here together since we got married which was about 2 years ago.I feel like the process of leaving tomorrow is happening too fast but at the same time going by to slow? how can that be?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


tomorrow Joe is going to Kansas City to get his parents and we packing up the u haul. We are coming SOO close to saying "goodbye Moberly" it almost seems unreal. We are getting the people who have been staying with us out tonight. Joe found someone to help move some furniture. Thank goodness! I've been having quite the time with them there. I think it has a lot to do with ALL the pregnancy hormones flying around (The wife of the other couple is also pregnant.) It's also just hard living with another married couple. It puts stress where stress ought not to be needed. I am excited to see my in laws together. I haven't seen them together in almost 2 years! Since they are living in California, its always one or the other that comes out. We may have found a home for our dog which is awesome! I've been fretting about finding a no-kill shelter. I think I got poison ivy on my hands! Which is a real bummer! I've not have poison ivy before in my life! and it get it on my hands! Anyway, so I have been calling Claire "Ella" lately. or "Grace". I don't know why. I hate it. It feel like I'm making Claire feel unwanted or that I wish she was her sister. I don't wish she was her sister. It's true that I want her Ella here but if God said you could have Ella if you give me Claire I wouldn't say yes. Does that make me a horrible mom? I just read an update on a post that someone lost their rainbow baby. I'm not gonna lie and say I'm not scared of losing Claire. I want her so bad! We have plans for her. I just almost hate to make them because I don't want them to be broken..again.well, you all know what I mean I hope.  I am going to miss my Mobtown friends but am trying to remember i'm only a couple hours away.I'm going to go eat mexican food with one of the friends I have been SOO close to since about a month after our little girl died. I'm excited to see her! I just can't wait till we find some sort of normalcy in moving to Warrensburg. I hope that makes sense. Exciting & new is freshing as well though too. So Joe and I will be making frequent trips to Columbia (about once a month or so for doctor appointments) and Claire is scheduled to be born in Columbia in November so if anyone wants to make a trip to Columbia to see us after we move get ahold of me. I'm actually more convinced God is going to take care of us once we move. I've had my doubts its sad to say. Joe has put his faith in God and that has helped me a lot! I don't know why I ever doubt. He always comes through for us even if it is at the last minute. So i've been struggling with worry and gossip a lot! Although, I can't decide if its gossip or just talking about things that upset me? How and where do you draw the line?

Monday, August 9, 2010


I've got a lot to do and its so hot! I say "I" because Joe is working a lot this week and when he's done working it will be time to pack up the u-haul and scaddaddle (sp) outta here. I'm pretty darn excited about it. I had a dream though that I moved to a new place. Joe wasn't with me. He couldn't be with me. I don't remember why entirely. I remember being halfway thankful I was woken up by the knock on my door because it wasn't a pleasant dream. I remember thinking "what if I hate Warrensburg?" when I woke up. I don't think I am going to hate it. I think spending the night somewhere else will be insanely weird but I think we'll get used to it pretty quickly. The last few days here are definately going to be bittersweet. The bitter part is saying goodbye to the place where we learned about Ella and the house/town we experienced her life in. At the same time, I'm looking forward to a new start. The couple that's been here with us has been having a super hard time finding a place to stay. Which, I feel bad for but procrastination never gets you anywhere good. Joe gets off work in 45 minutes. I will see him in about an hour and a half! I'm trying to get our house in some kind of manageable order, even with all the boxes scattered everywhere. I don't deal with mess well at all so having my place not really look like much of a home is hard but yet exciting. I just wish it looked neater. We are still having a hard time finding homes for our animals. I feel bad. I don't want them to end up in some shelter preferably. Anyone want a cat or a dog? what about 2 cats and a dog? their friendly! Joe and I aren't where we need to be financially. I know God will provide. He always does. Even sometimes at the last minute. One time money just 'showed up' in Joe's account when nobody else had access to it. I know he will provide. I wish it would be soon that he would let a place turn up for Amber and Daniel. Both Amber and I are expecting babies weeks apart from each other and its just tough when you're stressed out anyway let alone when you're each almost 6 months along. I'm not complaining about the pregnancy. I've loved almost every minute of it. Even when I feel miserable. I'm so thankful for that 'miserable' feeling because I know it may not last for the next 3 months and I know very well I may not have a baby after this one. Just because I got pregnant twice doesn't mean it will happen again. Joe and I want more than just the 2 girls we have but we understand that just because you plan for something and try to make it happen, doesn't mean it will. I really hope that made sense. It made sense in my head! is anyone reading this?  I'm just curious.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

rainbow baby

Last night when I was writing my first post I never explained what a 'rainbow baby' is. A rainbow baby is a child a person has been given after the loss of the previous child. I didn't even understand what  'rainbow baby' meant until I started to follow an infant loss blog. This lady lost her first baby as well. Her baby was a girl. She just had a little boy and thats when I learned what a rainbow baby is. Following infant loss blogs has been awesome for me. It's comforting, terrifying, and tragic to follow them. I say comforting because these women know what I'm going through, terrifying because I know it could happen again. I know we could lose baby Claire as well. It doesn't comfort me that much knowing that the medical staff on my case don't know why Ella died. Her death MIGHT be on account of my diabetes but they will never know for sure. One of the doctors told me Claire needs to be born early because 'the longer you are pregnant the greater chance of fetal demise'(fetal death). Lastly, its tragic because a parent should never outlive their children. Losing Ella has had the greatest impact on me that I think anything ever will (besides Jesus of course) for a then-23 year old losing Ella was so shocking. I don't know that I could have prepared for losing her even if I logically knew she was going to die. A part of the pregnancy when the dr. said everything was fine and there wasn't a reason to worry, I was. I would have thoughts like "God she's not mine. she's yours. if you take her its okay" "If she goes to heaven before she leaves the womb she doesn't have to deal with all this stuff in the world." Not that I ever wanted to lose her. I remember sometimes just crying because I was scared of losing her and wondered why I was having those feelings. In other news, I'm really excited to move in a little under a week. It seems like its going to be one very busy week. I'm excited to start somewhere new. Starting somewhere new might be what I need to 'move on' even further. Not being in the same house I was pregnant with Ella in and lived in after she was born might help me focus on Claire more. I don't know if that even makes sense or not. I'm a little stressed out at this time in my life. I can see the stress melting away as the week goes on but right now I'm just scared my stress is causing harm to Claire then I worry about her and the cycle of worry continues. I would for sure say that Worry has been a sin I have been having a hard time letting go of for about the 5 1/2 months but lately its been worse because of another situation, not only the pregnancy.

Friday, August 6, 2010

wooo weee

this is my first blog on here! it feels kinda weird not being on facebook. We  leave for Warrensburg next friday morning which I am thoroughly excited about it. Baby Claire is doing great! I am 23 weeks along today! I am over halfway there! Her birthday is November 18th as of now I'm scheduled to deliver her at 7:30 am. I am SOO excited to have her around. I love feeling her in my belly but with losing my last baby I can't wait to hold little Claire in my arms. At the same time, I feel bad for thinking that because if the pregnancy is going to be the only time I get with her I don't want to take her for granted. I'm well aware I could lose her. It helps to know that the medical staff on our "case" do not foresee it happening again. Apparently 2 stillbirths in a row has been unseen by them which is awesome! I still have days I don't know how I will make it without her. I wonder what life will be like without her. I wonder how it could be to have her here. How would it be to have a 1 year old here. I wonder what if she would be as excited for her little sister as I had hoped she would when I was pregnant with her. I'm sure there was a time I wondered what it would be like when I got pregnant with her little brother or sister. I don't remember everything I used to "fantisize" (sp) about when she was on the way, but I do remember some things. I wish I would have kept better track of my pregnancy with her. I am trying to do a better job with Claire's pregnancy but unfortunately its not been going as well as I'd like. Joe's super excited for his daughter to be here! He talks about what life will be like after she gets here such as watching football with her. I'm actually excited for her to be able to watch football with her daddy.