Sunday, May 27, 2012

holding onto hope

I'm currently listening to an online sermon about prayer. I would say my prayer life is sort of like a roller coaster. Higher sometimes and lower others. I hate that I barely say "hello" to God before I come to Him with my laundry list of crap I'd been dealing with that day..or night. I've recently started a journal..again. I haven't really kept one adamantly for years. I was keeping one for a prayer journal but as I said..its been a roller coaster.

Ella's birthday is soon..July 19th but thats still soon in my eyes. I think I'm having a harder time in my grief because of it. She's always in my heart but it becomes a little more apparent at the time of year when her birthday comes. Even holidays and my,Joe or Claire's birthday makes it more real that she's not here.

I've discovered I need more to do. I have too much time on my hands. I think thats largely to contribute to the sadness and anxiety lately

Friday, May 18, 2012

4th year anniversary

Yesterday was Joe and I's wedding anniversary! I know its only been 4 years but at the same time..its..been..four..years. We have been through so much already..starting off with the loss of our first child.I've not been through things that someone whose been married like 50 years or anything but losing our baby and then the social work and bereavement people telling us our marriage will most likely fail because we've lost her...ouch!

After Joe got off work this morning we went to Independence Mall. He let me shop a bit. On the way to the mall he suprised be with a cd! It was awesome because he got me another one by the same artist for mothers day and I couldn't help but think "I wish it had 'this was the stuff' on it" Of course I didn't tell him that. We went to go get starbucks, ate lunch, I spent money..we perused the mall...

We went to "noodles and co" for supper...yumm! We went home for a few then went to a movie. We watched 'The avengers" I tell you, I was a bit sceptical before we went to see it but it was great!!! It was awesomely easier for me to follow than I thought..I normally can't miss a beat with sci fi movies or else I get lost. I surely did with all the superhero movies leading up to the avengers.

It was awesome to be able to spend a day with my one and only again without worry of my child. Of course, I missed her and kept wondering what she was doing and how she was but it was nice to be able to get away for a day and escape with Joe. I feel like it rekindled something we had lost in the busyness of work, school,baby and everyday life.

Claire turned 18 months old Wednesday. She had her checkup. Everything was fine except she has actually fallen off the scale where growing is concerned.So today, we are going to get some blood drawn so the dr can run some tests to make sure nothing serious is wrong with Claire..I'm sure it'll be fine but there is still fear in this momma's heart..especially after losing one baby already...

Thursday, May 10, 2012


Joe graduated from UCM on Saturday. His parents and sister flew in on Friday night to watch him graduate. I stayed home and finished up odds and ends here while Joe and Claire went to Kansas City to get them from them the airport.
Of course, this was the weekend the weather decided to be super humid & hot!
Saturday, Joe and Claire went to bring his parents donuts and coffee while I stayed here (with Jenni) we pretty well waited till the last minute to get dressed. It was nice to be able just to be lazy. We went to New China to eat (where Joe used to work) Claire decided she was going to be crabby and tired so it took me forever to eat. She likes the waitresses and people who work at New China and they adore her as well so they held her for us for a bit.
Then, off to walmart! Its always a game of cat and mouse anytime our family goes shopping together.But thankfully this time it wasn't too bad...then home for about 10 minutes and off to graduation! Claire was first.until she peed on me..then it was sort of downhill from there..sort of. I didn't get to sit and watch the graduation. I strolled her around in her stroller for awhile. We stood with Jenni and Dad for a bit...
Lastly, to end the night, we had steak and watched a movie "cowboys and aliens" sorta wierd in my book but pretty good all at the same time.
Sunday, we went to Moberly to go to Timberlake. We left the apartment at 5:30 am to go to get coffee, donuts and pick up the parents. There was ever so conviently an after church carry in. So we got a free lunch!
We went to Joe's friend's house to hang out for a couple hours then Hu Hot for supper and then home.
It was a good weekend..the days were long but the weekend was so short.
On the way home from Moberly, I had a nice long conversation with Joe's was really nice. We hadn't sat and talked like that for a LONG time.

***in other news***

Mother's day is ever drawing nearer. Clearly, this makes me think of my children..both of them. I miss Ella. I've been dreaming of her here and there..its rough. I recently decided to make a collage of both my girls. Its insane how 2 kids can come from the 2 same parents and look nothing alike. Ella is all Joe and Claire is all me..I wonder all the time how it would be with a 2 year old and a 1 year old..would Ella be a good big sister? Would Claire be less lonesome??