Sunday, October 2, 2011

something to look forward to...

that is what I spend a lot of time thinking about. It's very hard most of the time for me to just stay at home and be a wife and momma. I feel like I ought to be doing something..something for people. Now, I feel bad because as a teen girl all I wanted was a family. Now I have one. I have 2 kids and a husband. Given, one of my girls isn't here with us I know I ought to honor her memory and she is still part of the Morris clan. I miss Ella. I find myself wondering about her a lot. When I do think of her it makes me even more grateful her little sister is here. I like to smell her skin (as weird as that may be), and run my hands along her feet and hands. I study each part of her as to not forget her. After Ella was born, I think thats one of the parts I regret not doing. Taking the time to actually study her. Maybe I could see her face and feel her one more time. We do have pictures of her but thats nothing like actually seeing her. I can vaguely remember what it was like to hold her in my arms...her stiff body was so cold. I would give my left arm for her to be here with us, alive and well. But I know as well as anyone, there isn't any bargaining that can be done..I've tried..over and over I've tried. I've thought about the past and what I would do differently in some vain attempt to get the past back and have her here with us..

That wasn't the direction where I intended for this blog to go...oh well right?!

I find myself feeling guilty for being this way...I feel like I could be doing something with more meaning than staying home and taking care of my baby..Not that I neccesarily think I need a job to be productive..I want to help people. I want to be there when it feels like nobody else is. I wouldn't want to make my baby feel like she's not as worth it to me as someone else though...I like how I work out how I've been feeling when I write things out, has that ever happened to you?

I want to be a better wife, in my mind that means being super mommy..having Claire on a strict schedule, she's never crabby. bringing in extra cash by staying home and teaching Claire how to spell her name, get her potty trained and able to recite the abc's and her numbers. (Now I know she is only almost 11 months old and those are some unrealistic expectations but do you see what i'm getting at sorta?), always have Joe's meals and laundry done. While I am perfectly kept and dressed when he comes home.(and 50 lbs lighter without the downer of diabetes as well) and never too tired to be intimate.

I don't know why I feel this way, I know its unrealistic..I put high expectations on myself and don't know how to take them down and be okay with it and feel like its okay to be the person I am.

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