Monday, March 19, 2012

I have..

A thirst for knowledge unlike I think I have ever had. It is in the interest of God in particular. I have been struggling with spiritual warfare for what seems like a year now (it probably literally is) I am starting College again in a couple months. I want to be a counselor. I find it sort of ironic because I feel like I need counseling. If I use the word "mentor" it might make me seem like I have more of a "place" to be a counselor.
I think this is going to be one of those blogs that don't really flow or maybe not even make any sense to anyone but me. Thats okay with me. I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head before going to bed so maybe..hopefully I can get some sort of peaceful rest tonight.
I have gone back to the basics..why do I believe what I believe? Books, sermons, videos, etc...anything to tell me why, I know these things logically. My head and my heart have not been in sync with each other for quite some time..well, if they are its only momentarily. I think I just want to know so bad that I just am too anxious to even read and article and pay attention, making it seem almost useless..does this make ANY sense at all?
Yesterday, I finally asked for prayer after church. There are always "prayer partners" in the back of the sanctuary after the sermon to pray with those who need it. I NEEDED it. It was super helpful to know this person had also struggled in this area..they seem so...together & wise..I guess in reality, not so much...
In a different subject, Claire is teething & we think reaching her 'terrible 2's" I know! I know! she's only 1 but she throws fits for no reason sometimes..the dr said its normal around this age..I guess thats the good news..Joe has a break from school this week..thankfully. I'm glad to have him around this week but it is always sort of a bummer when he has to get back to his 'regularly scheduled life'. Making me feel left in the dust..I know that isn't his intention at all.
I'm starting to not feel so anxious about 'wasting my life' and always having to have something to do and if I don't..I go nuts..the feeling is still there but not as bad I don't think..losing Ella has effected me in ways I never would have imagined and 'wasting my life' has become one of them..her death was so sudden.I want to leave a legacy...who doesn't right?!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

He saves me from myself

Thats the lesson in this week James' study. It has been awesome and totally what I need right now. I have been feeling so lonely (like, I'm in this BIG world alone and God has either left me or is nonexistent)  The lessons are divided up into days. Day 1,2,3,4 and 5. Anyway, I just finished day 3. All I can really say is "WOW!" We talked about the devil and his schemes and how God is in control. I honestly don't do a very good job at looking up scripture when she says 'refer to this book and verse' but I have had a thirst as of late She mentioned 2 Timothy 2:26 "Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil's trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants." (NLT) Earlier in the study, it was mentioned how "he hopes we'll think God has suddenly turned on us and we'll grow stff-necked and hardhearted." So, totally where I have lately!!! I don't know if this post is flowing very well or even makes much sense but I wanted to share what I have been learning. In today's lesson, she includes reasons to submit to God. May I share them with you?

-God knows everything about you and every matter concerning you. Nothing is hidden from his sight. So submit to God

-He is always looking out for your ultimate good and takes your hurts personally. So submit to God. 

-He is holy and worthy and incapable of abusing His divine authority over you. So submit to God.

-He knows your motive was right but your mouth messed up. So submit to God.

-He hows exactly how to make terrible into good. So submit to God. (this one personally hit me. I lost my full term baby almost 3 years ago...BIG OUCH!)

-He loves you completely and unconditionally and will never let you go. So submit to God.

-He knows the well-deliberated plan for your life and how all things must fall into place for you to fulfill your destiny. So submit to God.

-He will never put to shame those who trust in Him. So submit to God.

I am grateful to Beth Moore and to God of course for bringing this study to me.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

actually spending time alone...

seems sort of eery with the nobody in the apartment but its sort of nice all at once. Joe and Claire went to a baseball game. That gave mommy a few hours to herself. I haven't been alone for hours at a time in awhile. Now, I'm thinking about all the things I need to get done..clean, go over things for school. OH YEAH! I recently got accepted to Liberty University online. I am a psychology major. I will be studying Christian Counseling. I am looking forward to this! I hope to one day work in a church wherever we end up. Joe is applying for jobs a little here, there, and everywhere.

I've been sorta stressed getting things financially ready for Liberty. I don't know what half the forms are that they need but thankfully Joe does. I'm so thankful for him constantly and in new ways it seems...I am working on intentionally becoming his best friend. I know that probably sounds funny but a lot of our marriage (at least to me) hasn't included this feature and I'm trying desperately to change this and not grow complacent.