Thursday, November 4, 2010

anxiously awaiting

I have 12 days till our baby girl is FINALLY here! It seems like we have waited so long for her. This pregnancy has been shortly long...I know thats an oxymoron but it seems that way. It's been short but long all at one time. It probably seems like its that way because I have no other children (or job) to focus on.

I'm sitting here thinking about the things I want to get done before she comes. Getting better organized, laundry, wiping things know, the stuff someone would do in the nesting period. However, with less than 2 weeks to go, I am tired and sore! I don't remember being sore like this with Ella. I am thankful for it! Don't get me wrong. I would rather have THE worst pregnancy known in history than have no Claire at all. I am just anticipating the day I won't feel sore and HUGE! I haven't taken a recent picture of my baby belly (36 weeks tomorrow). I told myself I would take more pictures throughout this pregnancy but I have yet to do it. I've taken one I think..well, Joe took it.

I am scared of having another  c section honestly. Well, maybe nervous is a better word to describe it. However, if its better and safer for the both of us than I am all for it. I just don't like being numb for hours, I don't like not being able to walk. Well, I had a really rough time walking after Ella was born for a few days. I've wondered if the pain from having the baby felt worse because I didn't really have anything good to focus on after she was born. I am finding myself more relaxed than I thought I would be this far into the pregnancy. It'd only be a short time till we lost our Ella in my last pregnancy. Like I said, I will be 36 weeks tomorrow and Ella died at almost 38 weeks along.

I was really encouraged to hear our high risk specialist to tell us everything is on track, my sugars are still high sometimes but everything with baby is on track. She's a good size, not too much fluid (a sign sugars are too high). I have been SO blessed during this pregnancy for her to be so healthy. I've obviously been scared during this pregnancy but it looks like its going to be one of those things where she is born and I wondered why in the world I ever worried and why I just didn't enjoy it the whole time...well, I'm praying it will be like that.

Joe's doing better I think. He's still anxious about her birth. It seems surreal to both of us. The idea of ACTUALLY taking a baby home and not being in that AWEFUL hospital room alone. A lot of the time when Ella was born someone was there but there were obviously the times people had to go home. I remember not sleeping a lot. The nurse offered me a sleep aid but I declined. I felt like I'd have nightmares. I'd rather have not slept than have nightmares. I remember closing my eyes and either seeing her or hearing 'mommy' in my head and crying. I'm sure there was real crying around me as other women were in labor and having babies. It was in my head though too.

Anyway, Its almost my lunch time (schedule!) so I'm going to stop writing. If anyone has any thoughts, questions or anything *not that I'm desperately asking or anything* but I know with infant death there are a lot of questions. Just shoot! I don't mind answering

No comments:

Post a Comment