I finally took the plunge I've been dreading. I washed baby clothes last night. I did a basket full. I was dreading it because I didn't want to get all set up for a baby that might not come..again. Joe and I went through the clothes last night, deciding what to wash. It brought up memories. Some good, exciting and yet really sad all at once. I remembered my baby showers with Ella, having no reason to doubt she was coming in a matter of months/weeks. I felt a definite reluctance about washing the clothes. Tomorrow afternoon a couple of ladies from the church are going to help me put Claire's room together. It seems all to surreal that she actually may be coming. I'm still not completely over the 'I'll just be pregnant with her and then things will end' phase yet. I don't know if I can explain that feeling to any one's satisfaction.
Yesterday at our women's Bible study someone asked me if I have 'dedicated Claire yet'? She meant 'have you dedicated her to God.' I told her that I would like to think so but probably not when things are all said and done. I pray for my daughter everyday but somewhere in that prayer is 'God, don't take her away from us too.' I think there have been times during this pregnancy I think I have told Him "do with her what you will" but its very difficult.
Now, I know he doesn't need my permission to do anything in my life. I believe by not praying about our lives and giving ourselves to Christ we are missing out on a lot of blessing he wants to give us. I'm not saying he wanted my 1st daughter to die. In His original plan nobody would die. Bad things happen in our lives now, and he works through them for the good if we let him.
I need some Biblically based opinion. Am I wrong in how I pray? I just mean, where's the difference between praying with boldness and praying for God's will to be done? I hope that made sense. Maybe I'm trying to say, how do I pray with boldness but yet be open to His will?