well, shall I say I'm trying to stay positive. We have 10 days till our little bundle gets here. I'm ready for her to be here, SO Ready!
I woke up at around 6:30 this morning..well, I assume. I remember being awake for awhile before I actually looked to see what time it was and when I did look, it was a minute till 7. I thought and thought about what if we lost Claire too. Thankfully she was awake at the same time and was moving around so that helped to bring me comfort. I finally resolved that I will no longer be a slave to fear. I don't want to live out the next 10 days out in fear. It's hard for me. As I said before, it's pretty much been determined (finally) why our sweet Ella died. I'm doing a lot better job with the diabetes this time. I'm taking insulin twice a day, and actually taking better control of my diet. It's not that the last time I was pregnant I didn't try to control my diet, I did. It was difficult because the bigger I got, the harder it got to control the blood sugar levels. I remember a salad (in this pregnancy) even made my sugar too high. It's very easy to want to compare myself to someone else too. The doctor told me she had seen women with much higher levels have perfectly fine babies, I wonder quite frequently why it had to be me to lose a baby if people who are seemingly worse off are having babies that are fine. I guess thats something I could learn from being cocky eh? Once I thought everything was okay, it definitely wasn't. I'm not saying that God wanted to 'teach me a lesson' for being cocky or anything. I'm just saying that it's just one of the many things I have learned from losing our baby.
The other day at Bible study we were talking about whether or not we were disciplined in our personal lives. When I had my input, I was sort of surprised about what flew out of my mouth! I was telling the group of women at my table that I don't think I would actually practice discipline if I didn't have to. Being diabetic is a very serious disease! It gets even worse when a woman is pregnant, not only does it effect her but now her unborn child is involved. If I didn't have to take my insulin twice a day, check blood sugars 5 times a day, take vitamins, eat around the same time everyday and watch what I eat my life would probably not have any discipline whatsoever to be honest. I'm not saying I am thankful to have this disease, believe me! I'm not! but I am thankful that something is forcing me to practice self discipline. It has effected other areas in my life, well started to. If I don't put in Bible study time in the mornings, my day feels sort of 'off'. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes I am guilty of thinking I am doing God a disservice by not studying his Word. I think that I am doing it more for me to learn how to be a better disciple of His and to walk closer with Him. After such a tragic loss as the one we experienced last year, I find myself more desperate to be closer to God than I remember wanting to be in the past. Maybe it has something to do with the fact I just want to know the guy that holds on to my little baby more? I'm not saying I have an overwhelming hunger that cannot be quenched. I think we all know satan puts things in the way of getting closer to God. He might tell us 'we are better off than so and so in knowing Him. so we are fine'. It's easy to fall into that trap, especially after being in Bible college...not calling Bible college bad. It was SUCH a blessing to me..let me clarify that.
I looked at the birthing rooms at the hospital where I will be having Claire the week after next. They look different than they did last year, or maybe its got something to do with the fact that I wasn't in a 'normal' room. They had 360* virtual tours on the webpage. I found myself growing more excited to have her by looking at the rooms. Is that dumb? It just felt more real for some reason. And like normal, satan saw a vulnerable spot for me and took advantage. "what if she doesn't make it?" "or has to be in the nicu?" "what if I don't get a happy birth experience like I've been praying for, for the past months?" These questions float around in my head frequently.