4 days until Claire is here! We are getting more and more anxious. We cannot wait for the weekend to be over! Not that we don't appreciate the days we have been given on this earth and some people would tell me "hey, this is the last chance of freedom you'll get for 18 years! why not enjoy it?" but frankly my dear, I don't care. I want to be a mommy. I have already had one child taken from me, missed out on one little life, missed out on kisses and hugs and "I love you mommy" from one little girl. I don't want to miss out from it with another.
So far, things are going really well with Claire. She is doing great! I'm 37 weeks today and she is still very active! Which is awesome, because, as you know, I am very short (less than 5 feet tall) and she doesn't have a lot of room. I find it totally a God thing that she has been moving so much. I am trying to take care of myself because I know what I do in the last few days of this pregnancy effects her immensely.
I know I could because I have before, but I really don't know what life would be like if we lost another baby. I've already experienced days/nights of extreme loneliness (even with Joe right beside me). Feelings of loneliness had nothing to do with Joe actually and everything to do with our child missing. She was in my body at one time (9 months is a long time to get used to supporting another person) and one day she was taken from me, never to return..this side of Heaven anyway.
Last night, Joe and I were just sitting on the couch and he said he felt like something is missing. I feel like it too, I know its our first daughter. With our new daughter coming, there is somewhat a feeling of guilt for me. I mean, I didn't know Ella was going to die (logically I had no clue.but internally, I think the Spirit was trying to warn me) so I didn't take the time with her I would have, had I known she was only going to be with us 37 short weeks. As soon as I knew Claire could hear me I was more involved with her. As in talking to her, and rubbing her telling her I love her. I wonder, did Ella know I love her? Did she think I didn't care so she just gave up on life? I still ask myself...why did my baby have to go when people who are 'lots more diabetic than me' got to keep their babies? It hurts to know that everyday of life for the rest of our lives there is going to be a family member missing. Now, some of you may think "well, Claire will be there so it's going to be easier" I would say its true but false all at once. Yes, having Claire here (outside the womb) will make life more..happy and joyful but sometimes I can't help but think about what Claire will miss out on..a big sister. She will be the big sister to our younger kids (if we have them. It depends on what God says about that obviously) we will miss out on one more child we could have had..playing at a park with us...or renting a movie and watching it. Catch my drift? I'm not saying any of this out of anger against people. I think it may be just the situation..and as we get closer to Claire's birthday, my emotions are starting to scatter I think.
I decided not to take a break from facebook. Last night, I received a lot of encouragement I really needed from people on chat on facebook.
Joe has been having a hard time. Last night I woke up coughing so I drank some water. This morning he told me he was scared I couldn't feel the baby move and thats why I was drinking water. Once I started coughing she woke up and I could totally feel her moving. Wednesday we heard a sermon we needed to hear a lot! It seemed like the power of those Scriptures that were read did not last long though. Or maybe its because Satan is a liar and out "roaming looking for someone to devour"
Wednesday morning I saw the power of God through one of the ladies' lives in my small group at the church. It was awesome and I'm glad she shared because it had to do with child loss and a question I had been struggling with since we had lost our baby. It just seems like its easier to forget the good things and remember the bad in life..why is that? it seems so unfair!