Monday, October 25, 2010

monday again!

The whole day was kind of an off day. Joe didn't have class today so it threw the day off from the beginning. Well, actually, first, we had planned for me to go to school with Joe so we could leave for Columbia immediately after he got out of class. My insurance was being dumb this morning and wouldn't pay for my insulin so it took awhile to get that straightened out. Then, the doctor just thought I was being irresponsible because I told him I didn't take it last night or this morning like I should have. 

We met some friends from Moberly for lunch at the mongolian grill place in Columbia. It was nice to see them again. Joe enjoyed it as well. It was a much needed visit I think from friends from 'home'. My next appointment with Dr. Hunze will be 2 weeks before the baby is scheduled to be born. It feels totally weird! I was telling Joe on the way home that I was remembering when there was only 8 appointments left and that seemed unreal. 

The baby was sleeping after I ate..I had a late lunch. She took a long time to do her practice breathing. Normally, she would get it done right away but this time was...different. The doctor and the nurses reassured us it was nothing to worry about, but of course after losing a child especially, we're nervous a lot of the time. Her non stress test was awesome! Her heart rate went way up a few times but the doctor explained it away pretty much, which made us feel better but not completely. Joe agreed that the whole day has felt off. When the nurse had me lay on my side to try to get her to do her breathing she said "and she's gone" and laughed. The nurse meant that she fell asleep again but when she said "she's gone", I admit, I had a slight panic attack. 

Now, I'm sitting at home watching Giuliana and Bill, waiting for Joe to get home. 

I'm having trouble with trusting God will give me the desires of my heart. I have just recently realized that the closer I am to God, the desires of my heart will change according to His will. My desire for years has been to have children. We didn't get to keep our first child and now I'm 34 weeks pregnant with our second child and I still spend nights and days wondering if I will ever get to hold her while she is alive. In my arms. Does anyone else have issues handing their lives over to God completely and saying 'I'm cool with whatever." basically? are you still going through it or was there something that brought you through that 'funk'? advice you could give me?

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