Thursday, October 7, 2010


As Claire's birthday draws ever closer (6 weeks from today actually), and with hearing of so many babies dying lately its been rough on both Joe and I.  We're both having a hard time with worry and anxiety. I am so excited to meet our daughter but kind of dreading it all at once. I'm afraid she might not be alive when she's born. Now,at 32 weeks along (tomorrow anyway) I have no reason to think she won't be alive logically. It's just hard to let go of the past I suppose. I'm afraid that she may never taste breath, like her big sister didn't. We thought at this far along with Ella, there was nothing wrong either. Watching someone else go through baby loss recently has made remember what it was like for me. I remember not being able to breathe. At least not feeling like I could breathe. I remember one particular day wanting to fall asleep but I couldn't manage to stay asleep. I felt like if I drifted off, I would stop breathing. It was a hard time. I remember someone being upset with me because I couldn't let myself be around babies (especially baby girls) and feeling like even worse of a person because I couldn't bear to be there as a friend. I remember someone telling me I was dealing with things all wrong(the way I took it anyway)

I have forgiven this person and understand she was just trying to help. I just don't want to experience these feelings again with another baby. I still wonder what life would be like with a year old + baby and expecting her little sister in 6 weeks. I would probably be busy beyond belief!  Now, I have just been taking it easy, trying to relax and keep calm waiting for baby to arrive. Am I even doing that well?  I wonder if I weren't more busy if I would have less room to worry. I miss being with friends...I miss being able to go across town just to have someone to talk to and be with for awhile while Joe's at work. I miss Joe having a job and having a steady income. Does that sound stupid? Anybody want to make a trip to Warrensburg?

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