Saturday, October 23, 2010

25 days!

We've got 25 days still Claire makes her appearance into the world. We are SOOO excited! I'm ready to not be in any pain. I know I will still hurt after she's born..believe me! I know it'll hurt! As Claire's birthday gets closer, I am taken back to images of Ella's birth time. I remember the nurse asking me if I wanted to sleep in my own pool of blood till the morning..well, basically. ICK! Who'd say yes?!?! I had just given birth to my deceased child and she thought I'd wanna do that!

Joe's at a football game today. It's homecoming for UCM so people are pretty darn excited around here.  We met with the involvement minister at the church earlier this week. I'm excited for where they will find a spot for me to serve based on the areas I thought I was most gifted...mostly with children. I helped with watching 2 year olds at the church we attended in Moberly. it was fun, exhausting at times but fun. It was very rewarding to have a kid run up to you and give you a hug! I miss it to be quite honest.

Monday, Joe and I are gonna meet up with some college friends (hopefully) from moberly. I still miss moberly, not gonna lie. However, Warrensburg IS starting to feel a bit more like home. It'd sure help the process if Joe could find a job. He got turned down for a couple more last week...well, more than a couple I'd say..he'd call about applications he'd put in prior, no hiring!

I have been doing a better job at keeping blood sugars under control. So, that makes things less scary. I am still nervous though. We are excited that we have such a short time till Claire is here but about the same time Claire will be here, Ella passed away. So I'm full of mixed emotion. I want to be pregnant as long as possible but at the same time I want her to be born. I'm scared we may only get the pregnancy part as we did with Ella. Joe and I sit and think of what Claire will be like when she's born. We wonder how tan she will be, if she will be tan like her sister, if she will look like her sister at all, will she be tall or shorter? I think you can tell from the picture of Ella, she didn't look only a quarter Asian, she looked like she was completely Asian.

Satan has definitely found ways into my thoughts these last few weeks. There are times I forget we might actually get to keep her after she's born. I forget we might actually take her home, like the pregnancy is all we're going to get and then life goes on as 'normal' again. It was anything but normal after Ella passed away though. I feel bad that we have chosen to bring another child into this world of imperfection and pain when her sister is in a PERFECT place. As a mother, I just want the best for my children. I wonder, should I be happy Claire is coming? She's going to experience so much pain! But then I had a friend remind me that children are a blessing from the Lord. The devil has totally been hitting me in my week children. I still feel guilty for Ella's death, as if I did something wrong. Since they couldn't find anything wrong with her, there must have been something wrong with me that caused it. Thats my conclusion anyway, right or wrong.

Please keep Joe and I in prayer these last few weeks. We are going to be edgy, nervous and everything that goes along with it. I have been praying for peace as the time gets closer to her birth, and even after she's born. I can see myself being a nervous momma.

Isaiah 26:3 (New Living Translation)

 3 You will keep in perfect peace
      all who trust in you,
      all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

1 comment:

  1. So excited for you, I can't wait to meet Claire! Keep your head up Ashley!