Friday, September 24, 2010

just sittin here...

While Joe and another guy play a video game. I'm sleepy! I'm sleepy a lot though and I know that, thats not about to change! But i'm excited to be awake for late nights with the baby. Is that crazy?

Anyway, ever since the loss of our little girl, I have become more aware of the hurting world around me. I'm more aware of what it is like for life just to really really suck! For some reason growing up the way I did, and my parents divorce didn't seem like that big of a deal. I think it IS a big deal but after losing a child it pales in comparison.

I'm in this apartment a lot! It's easy to feel lonely and secluded from the world. It's making it a bunch easier to have quiet time with God. Is that bad? I think I'd find out how much discipline I had if I was busy during the day. A certain little girl will be here in less than 2 months and then I will have a chance to really try to exercise discipline. I hate that I'm not even busy during the day and find it hard to exercise discipline. It doesn't even have to be about spending time with God, it can be about anything. Like, for the kitchen or something.

I have come to the realization why the baby's room isn't put together, at least from what I can figure. I know I have a little less than 2 months to get it put together so a part of me just says "wait, i'll have time to do it later." but another part of me is scared to do her room. I know that may sound horrible. It kinda sounds horrible for me to even say..that I would even think this way but I'm partially a little scared that she won't make it and I will have to face a put together room again. That I will have to face all those broken dreams again. I know putting a room together or not putting it together won't make a lick of difference on how things actually turn out. I am still asking God not to take this little one away from us.

It's very hard for me to pray His will because I'm afraid of what that will may be. I know He knows whats better for me than  I do, so whats to be afraid of?

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