A new year!

Happy new year everyone! Hope everyone has a good night tonight and stays safe. As for me and my family, we are home watching television and thinking about sleep.

I was relieved last year when the year of '09 had ended but at the same time saddened. 2009 was "Ella's" year. It was nice to be able to say 'goodbye' to all that hurt and pain, the pain of losing her will never be totally gone though. I felt sad because I felt like I was letting her go. I know that isn't logical at all but thats how I felt. Having Claire has definitely eased some of the pain. Well, I'd say having her eased the hole in our hearts where we longed to have a child to care for. I feel guilty at times for feeling overwhelmed still. I know its horrible, but there were times I would think "I wish you weren't ever born". Now I know I didn't mean this when I thought it..if that makes sense. I am ashamed to say that. I think it was partially due to hormones and also I was (and still get) frustrated because I should have had an idea how to parent Claire when she came home. I was supposed to have Ella. Then again, if Ella had been born and things were fine, I wonder if Claire would have made it here. I know I've said that before but I still can't get over it. I wonder what God's plan is for Claire. I'm not saying God "made" Ella die. I am saying that he didn't stop it and is going to and has been working through losing our firstborn.