Monday, August 23, 2010

worry and doubt...

Doesn't the Bible say something about that? Why is it SO hard to actually live out? As time gets closer to the 37th week in this pregnancy. The more scared I seem to get. The 37th week is when Ella died. I was actually closer to the 38th week but hadn't quite reached it yet when she died. My blood sugar keeps spiking...well, I shouldn't say that. It just stays up pretty much. I have a few normal levels but more often than not, they are high. I know very well I could lose Claire because my blood sugar is so high. Once I learned I am in fact not invinsible (sp) when we lost Ella I realized that anything can happen. I'm 24 weeks into this pregnancy. I'm thankful that everything is going fine (besides the bs levels obviously). Can my negative thinking effect the outcome of this pregnancy? Not that I think "oh I'm gonna lose her" so I will but I just mean, can I make things worse on her? I miss Ella. It's very hard to remain positive once you feel like lightening has struck you. If I let myself even try to stay positive about this pregnancy I wonder if I'm just setting myself up for deeper disappointment and heartbreak. Sometimes, it feels like I can barely breathe because of the fear. At least it seems to be because of the fear (and the mix of Claire pushing on my lungs) The anxiety isn't making it any better though. I think I actually started to have a panic attack the other night..

1st Peter 5:7(NASB)
"casting all your anxiety for him, because he cares for you."

No comments:

Post a Comment