Saturday, August 7, 2010
Last night when I was writing my first post I never explained what a 'rainbow baby' is. A rainbow baby is a child a person has been given after the loss of the previous child. I didn't even understand what 'rainbow baby' meant until I started to follow an infant loss blog. This lady lost her first baby as well. Her baby was a girl. She just had a little boy and thats when I learned what a rainbow baby is. Following infant loss blogs has been awesome for me. It's comforting, terrifying, and tragic to follow them. I say comforting because these women know what I'm going through, terrifying because I know it could happen again. I know we could lose baby Claire as well. It doesn't comfort me that much knowing that the medical staff on my case don't know why Ella died. Her death MIGHT be on account of my diabetes but they will never know for sure. One of the doctors told me Claire needs to be born early because 'the longer you are pregnant the greater chance of fetal demise'(fetal death). Lastly, its tragic because a parent should never outlive their children. Losing Ella has had the greatest impact on me that I think anything ever will (besides Jesus of course) for a then-23 year old losing Ella was so shocking. I don't know that I could have prepared for losing her even if I logically knew she was going to die. A part of the pregnancy when the dr. said everything was fine and there wasn't a reason to worry, I was. I would have thoughts like "God she's not mine. she's yours. if you take her its okay" "If she goes to heaven before she leaves the womb she doesn't have to deal with all this stuff in the world." Not that I ever wanted to lose her. I remember sometimes just crying because I was scared of losing her and wondered why I was having those feelings. In other news, I'm really excited to move in a little under a week. It seems like its going to be one very busy week. I'm excited to start somewhere new. Starting somewhere new might be what I need to 'move on' even further. Not being in the same house I was pregnant with Ella in and lived in after she was born might help me focus on Claire more. I don't know if that even makes sense or not. I'm a little stressed out at this time in my life. I can see the stress melting away as the week goes on but right now I'm just scared my stress is causing harm to Claire then I worry about her and the cycle of worry continues. I would for sure say that Worry has been a sin I have been having a hard time letting go of for about the 5 1/2 months but lately its been worse because of another situation, not only the pregnancy.