Claire bear!

is doing great! she's gained 6 ounces since birth! she sleeps most of the day and into the evening. we are awake the majority of the night so she can eat.I wonder if she' hit a growth spurt..always hungry! she is a very cuddly baby. she doesn't appreciate being put down a lot. I'm glad though. I think it'd break my heart to have a baby who just wanted to be left alone. We are sorta getting used to having this new person in our lives & adjusting to life with her.

when I look at her, I'm overwhelmed she's here. I forget i'm not pregnant anymore. Just last night I had to remind myself. Joe is adjusting more easily too. we have "shifts" with the baby.I sleep for a few hrs at night and tackle from about 12-9am..joe goes to school. Then we work together the rest of the day.

well, thats all for now

baby Claire!

Our whole lives have changed..for the better of course! We are trying to get used to a routine. I take naps during the day and stay up with Claire at night. Joe goes back to school next week so we're trying to keep the transition easier on him too. I love cuddling with my little Clairebear!  I've heard conflicting advice about holding her while she sleeps. Some say she can get used to it and start to take advantage of it..some say quite frankly..she's too young to catch onto something like that. I love having 'mommy/Claire" time in the middle of the night. So, getting out of bed is hard at times but once I sit there and hold her, I'm almost glad she woke up..is that bad?

It's been hard adjusting..but not as bad as like last week when she was born.  Sometimes I look at her or think of her and think 'wow. she's really here. I'm not pregnant anymore.' Sometimes during the pregnancy I felt like I would never not be pregnant. I have had some crazy emotions as of late. I have had thoughts of 'why did we have her?' "can we be adequate parents?' "ready for this responsibility?"I know that these..questions aren't really my emotions..which is kinda nuts but comforting all at once. I know my hormones are messing with me. I'm excited for them to get back to normal. I love my baby. I know I love her, I just want to feel it. Ya know? I'm tired of wondering/worrying about the future. I see commercials on tv about children at st. jude's with cancer..and think..will that one day be Claire? Will she die of sids?  its been rough. but I know with God on our side, we will be alright and thats super comforting.

we're home!

We got home yesterday around 2 or 3 (I think). She slept a lot of the afternoon. Of course, she eats and poops as well. She does both..a lot! She is starting to get the hang of nursing.  I try to dominantly nurse. If anyone of you reading this is a mom, I hope you understand that the beginning is very overwhelming so when it seems like she's not getting enough or is just too fussy we give her formula. I had planned to ONLY nurse when I was pregnant but this past year or so has shown me not all things go as planned.

She slept pretty crappy last night, but she is a newborn so thats to be expected right? right? :) She woke up every hour for the majority of the night then she slept for 5 hours at a time! It was amazing and we have only had her at home for one night, but to us it felt great to get 5 consecutive hours again. We both sort of had emotional breakdowns last night, but surprisingly, it sort of made us feel better to get those emotions out.

She is now on daddy's lap sleeping and mommy needs to wake her up to eat here in a bit, its going to take a lot  more discipline on my part (mostly) to keep her on a schedule. Someone advised me though that its better to get them on a schedule at about a month old. Any advice? Conflicting or agreeing? Any good books I should read on raising a newborn to sort make life NOT so overwhelming?

Claire

Our baby girl is here!!! she came on tuesday @ 1:07pm. She weighed 6 lbs 6 ounces and was 18 3/4 inches long! She's a good baby. Of course she sleeps a lot..and poops! She was given a little bit of oxygen after birth but the doctor isn't concerned at all that she is going to have respiratory issues. I shouldn't be on here long as baby girl keeps waking up from her slumber (its time to nurse in a bit anyway)

When she gets frustrated, her whole body turns beat red. It kind of scared us to be honest but the nurses and doctors don't show any concern and I don't have ANY medical knowledge so I guess I'm just being a paranoid momma. Tuesday night she slept in my room with us. she only woke up twice in the middle of the night, and that was cause she was hungry I think (of course I feed her in the middle of the night) Life has changed a lot in the last two days! It's a scary but a very welcomed change. We are still kinda overwhelmed I think that we have been given this baby. We are sort of scared to take her home because we are responsible for her and apparently are supposed to know whats best..but we're a little scared of messing it up. At the same time, I'm excited to get our new lives started, get out of this gown and this room.

getting ready

Well, yesterday the day went by fairly quickly. We had my doctor appointments yesterday. They went well! The baby is doing awesome. She even moved a lot during the monitoring last night. She kept scooting away from the monitor. I got stuck 5 times before the IV finally went in..and even that wasn't good enough. The doctor wanted it moved to a better spot. So, now. i'm full of holes! I've got some bruises to show already.

We are now about 3 hours away from the surgery starting. I'm nervous! I was shaking a bit when the doctor was talking about the anathesia (sp). I hate that I have to be totally numb and then feel pain. It'll all be worth it when I hear Claire cry though! I am still trying to process seeing our baby alive and just holding her.

Please pray for us! Please pray for the procedure to go quickly, smoothly, and safely for all of us (joe will be joining me in the room. I'm scared for him a bit too)

tomorrow

is my last day for baby appointments. It seems sort of surreal. We go to my appointments tomorrow afternoon like normal. I have the one where they check my blood pressure and the doctor measures my belly and checks Claire's heartbeat. The next one we will go to is a little more 'in depth'. They will do a ultrasound and then a non stress test. I meet with the specialist to talk blood sugar talk and probably last minute "be prepared that...could happen since we are pulling her out early"

Things are going so well though that I don't think anything bad will happen. Well, I think I will feel better tomorrow to be quite honest. Joe has asked me in the last couple days "do you have that feeling you had with Ella that something is wrong?" I think I do but I don't. Maybe the reason I do is because its the sort of thing that once you've been burned..your more..cautious next time. I hope that made sense. I don't think that we won't bring her home..like I did with Ella. I remember thinking to myself "what will happen that we won't bring this baby home?" shortly before she was born.

Now, it seems like it could happen. It seems more feasible to me this time but it is still sort of unbelievable. Maybe I'm just so overwhelmed that we are FINALLY having a baby. I am less than 2 days away from delivering Claire and I've been having lots of different emotions. And lots of weird dreams in the past couple days in particular.  I don't know that I will be able to update my blog until after the baby is here after today..Joe and I plan to leave for Columbia as soon as his class is over. I will give details later though..you can count on it. I'd say look forward to something towards the end of the week when I feel not so..drugged up!

we are down to...

4 days until Claire is here! We are getting more and more anxious. We cannot wait for the weekend to be over! Not that we don't appreciate the days we have been given on this earth and some people would tell me "hey, this is the last chance of freedom you'll get for 18 years! why not enjoy it?" but frankly my dear, I don't care. I want to be a mommy. I have already had one child taken from me, missed out on one little life, missed out on kisses and hugs and "I love you mommy" from one little girl. I don't want to miss out from it with another.
So far, things are going really well with Claire. She is doing great! I'm 37 weeks today and she is still very active! Which is awesome, because, as you know, I am very short (less than 5 feet tall) and she doesn't have a lot of room. I find it totally a God thing that she has been moving so much. I am trying to take care of myself because I know what I do in the last few days of this pregnancy effects her immensely.
I know I could because I have before, but I really don't know what life would be like if we lost another baby. I've already experienced days/nights of extreme loneliness (even with Joe right beside me). Feelings of loneliness had nothing to do with Joe actually and everything to do with our child missing. She was in my body at one time (9 months is a long time to get used to supporting another person) and one day she was taken from me, never to return..this side of Heaven anyway.
Last night, Joe and I were just sitting on the couch and he said he felt like something is missing. I feel like it too, I know its our first daughter. With our new daughter coming, there is somewhat a feeling of guilt for me. I mean, I didn't know Ella was going to die (logically I had no clue.but internally, I think the Spirit was trying to warn me) so I didn't take the time with her I would have, had I known she was only going to be with us 37 short weeks. As soon as I knew Claire could hear me I was more involved with her. As in talking to her, and rubbing her telling her I love her. I wonder, did Ella know I love her? Did she think I didn't care so she just gave up on life? I still ask myself...why did my baby have to go when people who are 'lots more diabetic than me' got to keep their babies? It hurts to know that everyday of life for the rest of our lives there is going to be a family member missing. Now, some of you may think "well, Claire will be there so it's going to be easier" I would say its true but false all at once. Yes, having Claire here (outside the womb) will make life more..happy and joyful but sometimes I can't help but think about what Claire will miss out on..a big sister. She will be the big sister to our younger kids (if we have them. It depends on what God says about that obviously) we will miss out on one more child we could have had..playing at a park with us...or renting a movie and watching it. Catch my drift? I'm not saying any of this out of anger against people. I think it may be just the situation..and as we get closer to Claire's birthday, my emotions are starting to scatter I think.

I decided not to take a break from facebook. Last night, I received a lot of encouragement I really needed from  people on chat on facebook.

Joe has been having a hard time. Last night I woke up coughing so I drank some water. This morning he told me he was scared I couldn't feel the baby move and thats why I was drinking water. Once I started coughing she woke up and I could totally feel her moving. Wednesday we heard a sermon we needed to hear a lot! It seemed like the power of those Scriptures that were read did not last long though. Or maybe its because Satan is a liar and out "roaming looking for someone to devour"

Wednesday morning I saw the power of God through one of the ladies' lives in my small group at the church. It was awesome and I'm glad she shared because it had to do with child loss and a question I had been struggling with since we had lost our baby.  It just seems like its easier to forget the good things and remember the bad in life..why is that? it seems so unfair!

it's thursday

Which means! We have 5 days till baby girl is here! It seems increasingly unreal to be honest. I may try to take some time away from facebook. I am "friends" with "faces of loss. faces of hope" on facebook. It's a group of women who have experienced baby loss. Whether it be stillbirth, miscarriage, infant death..Yesterday I got on my facebook page and on the newsfeed a story popped up about how a lady lost her baby to a umbilical cord accident. She was about as far along as I am it sounded like in the story. As tragic as that is and sad to hear, I don't want to put myself in the way of those stories. Does that make me selfish? Since I read the story, I have been wondering if Claire will tie herself up in her cord. I know its probably not likely but I still wonder.

Last night, Joe and I went to CCH for the first time in 3 weeks I believe. It was just what we needed at just the right time. The preacher there as been talking about the sermon on the mount. Last night we talked about worry (matthew 6).  Yesterday morning I had my last meeting with the Bible study group I had been attending and we talked about worry too and how God provides for us! I think God is trying to tell me something =)

This morning, a woman from that study brought over groceries for Joe and I. We also received financial help from the church we are now attending. We are blessed! I think God has been providing so much at just the right time. Do you ever feel like that? I mean, here we are 5 days away from the birth of our baby girl and I personally am scared. I am constantly asking myself "is she moving normally?" I think he's trying to help calm our nerves. I talked to my younger sister last night. She suggested I just watch funny movies the rest of the week! I do agree that doing that would probably keep my emotions on the higher end of the spectrum.

Now for some "worry" quotes
"if I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I'd have fewer imaginary ones."Don Herold


Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.  ~Author Unknown


Let us be of good cheer, remembering that the misfortunes hardest to bear are those which will never happen.  ~James Russel Lowell



Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.  ~Leo Buscaglia


Troubles are a lot like people - they grow bigger if you nurse them.  ~Author Unknown


I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and abundance.  Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep getting a busy signal - and soon they'll forget my number.  ~Edith Armstrong




Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.  ~Glenn Turner




Worry bankrupts the spirit.  ~Berri Clove




Now, what have we learned here? That worrying is stupid!

one more week!

We got our laptop back today so I can update you all on whats going on now! The adapter or something wasn't working, thankfully it was under warranty so it didn't cost us anything to get a new adapter that actually works.

We had a couple of doctor appointments in Columbia yesterday. We had of course the one with the high risk specialist and one with my obstetrician.  The baby is doing really well! My blood sugars are the best they have been in a long time which was awesome to hear. Claire was active during both the ultrasound and her non stress test. She did her practice breathing with no issues or the nurse having to start over to count again so that was nice.  The high risk specialist told us yesterday that he feels like there could be a small chance the baby could have respiratory issues when she is born. He said that he feels like there is probably only a 4% chance of that though. He said with the way things are going, he feels like there is a 96% chance things will be okay and she won't require any breathing assistance at all. I am praying the latter case is how things will go. Wanna pray with me? Just for the next week?  He said that even if she does end up in the NICU, he feels like she wouldn't need to be in there very long and would probably come home at the same time I will be coming home. We are over the moon excited for this baby to be here. We are apprehensive of course to wanna just rush through this week (well, I know I am). I know it could be the last week we spend with our baby girl. I'm really trying not to think that way though. The other night Joe was setting up the cradle. He needed his tool box so I went in the other room to bring it to him. I caught myself thinking "why are you doing this? She's not gonna make it home, your just setting yourself up for disappointment." I told myself to stop thinking those thoughts, that they are lies from satan just to tear me down. He's really been trying to tear me down this pregnancy and has unfortunately succeeded at times. I dusted the living room today! that was something on my list to get done before the baby comes home with us. Mission accomplished!!! Now, I just need to clean her room, Joe is gonna wash some more clothes this weekend, We need to pack our hospital bag (a week's worth of stuff) it feels sort of like we're going on a trip. I'm hoping i will get to see some of my family next week I don't normally see. I know my sisters are coming and I believe my mom too. But I have some aunts and uncles  (cousins) that live in MO and am hoping they can make the trip to Columbia, even though it is a bit out of the way for them. It's even more out of the way for my mom and sisters though. It's a 2 hour trip! I'm grateful gas prices are no longer the way they were a few summers ago..over $3 for a gallon of gas, those were sad times :(

I got even more baby things Sunday at church. One woman even thought of me! She bought me a few things I could use now and after the baby gets here. We are still waiting for someone to tell Joe he can start working. Thats been sort of a bummer the last few months. However, we are thankful for the people God has placed in our lives to help provide for us while we are going through this 'Joe doesn't have a job " thing. We're used to him working 2 jobs so its sort of weird him being at home a lot. I will be thankful to have his help the week after next though when we come home from the hospital. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and really like spending time with him. I hope you didn't take it badly when I said I'd be thankful for this help here soon...

I've got HIGH hopes, in the SKY hopes

well, shall I say I'm trying to stay positive. We have 10 days till our little bundle gets here. I'm ready for her to be here, SO Ready! 


I woke up at around 6:30 this morning..well, I assume. I remember being awake for awhile before I actually looked to see what time it was and when I did look, it was a minute till 7. I thought and thought about what if we lost Claire too. Thankfully she was awake at the same time and was moving around so that helped to bring me comfort. I finally resolved that I will no longer be a slave to fear. I don't want to live out the next 10 days out in fear. It's hard for me. As I said before, it's pretty much been determined (finally) why our sweet Ella died. I'm doing a lot better job with the diabetes this time. I'm taking insulin twice a day, and actually taking better control of my diet. It's not that the last time I was pregnant I didn't try to control my diet, I did. It was difficult because the bigger I got, the harder it got to control the blood sugar levels. I remember a salad (in this pregnancy) even made my sugar too high. It's very easy to want to compare myself to someone else too. The doctor told me she had seen women with much higher levels have perfectly fine babies, I wonder quite frequently why it had to be me to lose a baby if people who are seemingly worse off are having babies that are fine. I guess thats something I could learn from being cocky eh? Once I thought everything was okay, it definitely wasn't. I'm not saying that God wanted to 'teach me a lesson' for being cocky or anything. I'm just saying that it's just one of the many things I have learned from losing our baby. 


The other day at Bible study we were talking about whether or not we were disciplined in our personal lives. When I had my input, I was sort of surprised about what flew out of my mouth! I was telling the group of women at my table that I don't think I would actually practice discipline if I didn't have to. Being diabetic is a very serious disease! It gets even worse when a woman is pregnant, not only does it effect her but now her unborn child is involved. If I didn't have to take my insulin twice a day, check blood sugars 5 times a day, take vitamins, eat around the same time everyday and watch what I eat my life would probably not have any discipline whatsoever to be honest. I'm not saying I am thankful to have this disease, believe me! I'm not! but I am thankful that something is forcing me to practice self discipline. It has effected other areas in my life, well started to. If I don't put in Bible study time in the mornings, my day feels sort of 'off'. Do you know what I mean?  Sometimes I am guilty of thinking I am  doing God a disservice by not studying his Word. I think that I am doing it more for me to learn how to be a better disciple of His and to walk closer with Him. After such a tragic loss as the one we experienced last year, I find myself more desperate to be closer to God than I remember wanting to be in the past. Maybe it has something to do with the fact I just want to know the guy that holds on to my little baby more? I'm not saying I have an overwhelming hunger that cannot be quenched. I think we all know satan puts things in the way of getting closer to God. He might tell us 'we are better off than so and so in knowing Him. so we are fine'. It's easy to fall into that trap, especially after being in Bible college...not calling Bible college bad. It was SUCH a blessing to me..let me clarify that. 




I looked at the birthing rooms at the hospital where I will be having Claire the week after next. They look different than they did last year, or maybe its got something to do with the fact that I wasn't in a 'normal' room. They had 360* virtual tours on the webpage. I found myself growing more excited to have her by looking at the rooms. Is that dumb? It just felt more real for some reason. And like normal, satan saw a vulnerable spot for me and took advantage. "what if she doesn't make it?" "or has to be in the nicu?" "what if I don't get a happy birth experience like I've been praying for, for the past months?" These questions float around in my head frequently. 

anxiously awaiting

I have 12 days till our baby girl is FINALLY here! It seems like we have waited so long for her. This pregnancy has been shortly long...I know thats an oxymoron but it seems that way. It's been short but long all at one time. It probably seems like its that way because I have no other children (or job) to focus on.

I'm sitting here thinking about the things I want to get done before she comes. Getting better organized, laundry, wiping things down..you know, the stuff someone would do in the nesting period. However, with less than 2 weeks to go, I am tired and sore! I don't remember being sore like this with Ella. I am thankful for it! Don't get me wrong. I would rather have THE worst pregnancy known in history than have no Claire at all. I am just anticipating the day I won't feel sore and HUGE! I haven't taken a recent picture of my baby belly (36 weeks tomorrow). I told myself I would take more pictures throughout this pregnancy but I have yet to do it. I've taken one I think..well, Joe took it.


I am scared of having another  c section honestly. Well, maybe nervous is a better word to describe it. However, if its better and safer for the both of us than I am all for it. I just don't like being numb for hours, I don't like not being able to walk. Well, I had a really rough time walking after Ella was born for a few days. I've wondered if the pain from having the baby felt worse because I didn't really have anything good to focus on after she was born. I am finding myself more relaxed than I thought I would be this far into the pregnancy. It'd only be a short time till we lost our Ella in my last pregnancy. Like I said, I will be 36 weeks tomorrow and Ella died at almost 38 weeks along.

I was really encouraged to hear our high risk specialist to tell us everything is on track, my sugars are still high sometimes but everything with baby is on track. She's a good size, not too much fluid (a sign sugars are too high). I have been SO blessed during this pregnancy for her to be so healthy. I've obviously been scared during this pregnancy but it looks like its going to be one of those things where she is born and I wondered why in the world I ever worried and why I just didn't enjoy it the whole time...well, I'm praying it will be like that.

Joe's doing better I think. He's still anxious about her birth. It seems surreal to both of us. The idea of ACTUALLY taking a baby home and not being in that AWEFUL hospital room alone. A lot of the time when Ella was born someone was there but there were obviously the times people had to go home. I remember not sleeping a lot. The nurse offered me a sleep aid but I declined. I felt like I'd have nightmares. I'd rather have not slept than have nightmares. I remember closing my eyes and either seeing her or hearing 'mommy' in my head and crying. I'm sure there was real crying around me as other women were in labor and having babies. It was in my head though too.

Anyway, Its almost my lunch time (schedule!) so I'm going to stop writing. If anyone has any thoughts, questions or anything *not that I'm desperately asking or anything* but I know with infant death there are a lot of questions. Just shoot! I don't mind answering

Claire's birthday

Has officially changed. She will be born November 16th at 12pm. I have 2 doctor appointments the day before in Columbia. So instead of driving back home Monday night and coming back to Columbia Wednesday night, we are just going to stay in the hospital Monday night and have our little girl the next day! So we are officially 2 weeks away as of today! YaY! we are SO excited, I know its only moved by 2 days but its still oober exciting!

The down side is, Joe will miss a little more school this way and my family that had planned to be there for the birth probably won't get to be. My mom is a nurse and my sister is a manager at a retail store so I don't know if they can get the time off they need. My other sister is going to see what she can work out. I do have a sister above her but she lives in Minnesota so I doubt she'll make the trip. 

My nephew is 17 today! wow! He's so tall too! I still remember his 'rat tail' he had as a toddler. Time really flies! I feel bad that I am not there to spend his birthday with him. I was there for a long time for his birthdays now we're 4 hours away from each other. My niece (who happens to be his sister) is having a birthday Dec. 21st. I may be able to make it for that one. It's really close to Christmas and we wanted to take Claire to Illinois to see her grandpa and her great grandma. Joe's birthday is the 23rd of December  . He wants to make a trip to Moberly to spend the day with his friends. I hope it works out that he will get to do what he wants to do for his birthday. I am excited to be a mommy and hold my baby in my arms in 2 weeks!!!


I found out a couple of my aunts have recently passed away. One of them was just getting up there in years as I understand it, and the other one had a brain tumor. My younger sister shared a 'story' with me I'd like to share with you about my aunt Nancy (she had the tumor)who passed away recently. My sister said Nancy had a dream she was on a train. She was a few rows back from my aunt Joyce (the older one) and everyone was wearing white. That was her way of learning my aunt Joyce was soon to die and my aunt Nancy was soon to follow. I don't remember if there was anymore detail to the story. I just remember being kind of amazed when Emily told me that. I believe God can speak to us through our dreams but I hadn't heard anyone having any dreams where they felt spoke to by God in awhile. Isn't that a cool story of reassurance? 

new Claire update!

The doctor appointment today went extremely well. The baby is weighing in at 5 lbs and 10 ounces. She got measured today. We have been getting measurements on her every 3 weeks for awhile now. My sugars are still staying relatively well controlled. The doctor said that the fluid level and her weight look great, right where they need to be. It is sort of surprising she is doing so well honestly. Since I am diabetic, that makes the baby bigger sometimes.

We talked about having the baby 2 days earlier. For us, it would just be more convenient to be quite honest. Having her delivered 2 days earlier would make our nerves more calm for sure. I know its only two days but it'd still be better for us. I feel bad because some of my family wanted to make it down for the birth. I want them to be here to see her shortly after she's here. I have to call my ob and see what she thinks about delivering the baby two days earlier than planned.  We wanted to talk to the high risk specialist before we made any serious decisions. He told me he didn't have a problem with me delivering anytime in the 37th week so that was nice to hear. He told me that the sooner a baby is delivered the more chance of respiratory issues (and the diabetes makes things worse) but at the same time, the longer she is inside me the more chance is might pass away too..so its hard.

I'll have to let you know what happens tomorrow after I talk with my doctor.

getting closer!

We've got about 17 days till ms. Claire will be here. Unless she decides to make an appearance before then but part of me doubts she will.

I feel like we are more excited each passing day! She is still moving really well for not having hardly any room inside me and for me being so "abdominally challenged" (aka short). We have another doctor appointment today. There are only 3 days worth of doctor appointments left till she gets here! I will be seeing my OB next week for the last time until the baby comes. Time is running so short. I'm so ready to actually hold my baby girl. I feel like in a way, we have waited like 2 years for a baby.

In other news, we watched the 1 year olds yesterday at church. I enjoyed it and I think Joe did too. He was a little nervous at first I think but eventually he warmed up. He had a boy who just would not hardly let go of him both services. Well, it was a different boy each hour. It was cute. He just sat in the rocking chair the majority of the time trying to comfort the ones who just didn't want to be there. We got home and both definitely rested the rest of the day, we were so tired. We didn't have any trick or treaters last night like we thought we would. We thought "hey, we live right in the middle of a college town and a lot of people around us have kids." but not one knocked on our door. We spent the night watching halloween specials. Well, sort of, we watched a halloween episode of rugrats, mystery science theatre (werewolf) and spongebob. Now we have this plastic pumpkin full of candy staring me in the face. I haven't eaten any but I'd like to of course.

I am still fighting this dumb cold. Getting ready to have a baby is wearing me out but so is this cold!  Friday, Joe went to get his flu shot. He really didn't wanna do it (he hates needles) but since its for our daughter I think it made it easier. After he came out of the room he acted like it was no big deal. I think it was just one of those instances where he was just more nervous than he needed to be. I know those kind of situations all too well. I am still thinking this pregnancy is going to be one of those situations where everything turns out just fine in the end and I wonder why I worried to begin with.

The other day I was talking with someone about the "black cloud" stealing my happiness about the pregnancy. We talked about the difference between happiness and joyfulness. I know that there is a difference. I guess I just needed to be reminded that happiness is more of a in the moment feeling. Joyfulness is knowing that whatever happens, it will be okay and that if Claire doesn't make it, I have the security of knowing I will see her again when this earthly life is over. It seems as if the 'black cloud' has sort of disappeared since that talk. I mean, I'm still a little scared of losing her but I know I will see my girls in Heaven someday should Claire not make it. Joe gets out of school in about 10 minutes and will be home shortly. Sometimes, I hate being alone.