3 weeks!

Thats right, we have 3 weeks from today till Claire makes her appearance into this world. Joe and I are getting so excited. It seems surreal to have another child. I'm not looking forward to the pain of having the baby and the weeks of recovery but I AM ready to stop being so sore the majority of the time, feeling bloated and tired all the time. I know its going to take time after she's born for those feelings to go away but at least her being born will start the process AND we will get to have our baby girl here to hopefully distract me from some of the pain. Last year, I had nothing really. And on top of it, I was dealing with grief.

Joe and I had a long talk yesterday about the goings on of our lives. I had started to feel like we were letting stress effect the way we were treating each other. We had defiantly grown more short with each other. I was struggling with growing resentful. I'm glad we talked about it, I hope we will actually work on fixing our issues like we said we would instead of  saying 'we'll fix it' but never work on it. Marriage takes work!
haha! I don't know why I expected any less than this, I knew it was going to be hard. I just didn't expect it to get harder when we most need each other. In my last pregnancy, we would have only had 3 weeks left with our first child, so that has been a cloud hanging over our heads. "what if we only have 3 weeks left with Claire too?" and it makes it hard to be joyous.

I'm sorry if I am being repetitive in my posts, it's hard to keep track of everything I have already written without actually going back and reading it.

I slept till almost 11 am this morning! I woke up early this morning but evidently went back to sleep. I was surprised at myself. I thought I got to bed at a decent time last night but maybe waking up in the middle of the night coughing, and trying to find a comfortable position to lay in hindered my sleep. I also dreamt I was nursing someone else's child last night. It was incredibly weird to dream that. During the dream it felt weird but I was sort of comfortable with it at the same time. I've had a couple dreams recently that I actually give birth to a boy. In these couple dreams, I believe I remember him either waking up then falling asleep, coming alive then dying and so on and so forth, I can't entirely remember what happened. They were discouraging. I am totally excited to have another baby girl and to be able to be a mother to a child outside my womb. I know I will ALWAYS be Ella's mother but it seems unreal. Just a tad because I never got to mother her after she was born as I picture being a mother. I never pictured signing a piece of paper for an autopsy, for her to be transported, and a paper saying that if I lost too much blood giving birth to her that I either wanted them to try to save me or let me die.

I was texting my sister in law last night, she also lost a baby. I was telling her about the 'black cloud' hanging over our heads. She put it perfectly. "and when you do feel happy something happens and u crash with memories."she said.  It's becoming more and more difficult not to let the bad memories flood in.