memorial service

Last night I watched a memorial service online for a couple that attended the same church as me in Quincy. Well, let me be clear that it was their twin boys. They were conjoined. I believe Shawna was 8 months along. It brought back a lot of emotion for me. I remembered thinking "its surreal to see your own child in a casket." The most heartbreaking part for me was when Shawna was speaking. She wrote her boys a letter. I very sweet idea I almost wish I had thought of after Ella died.  She talked about how her heart rate dropped and she felt like she couldn't breathe at a certain part of the delivery. The doctor told her it was when they separated the boys from her.  I don't recall the same thing happening to me but the scary part was, I could understand it. She talked about handing her boys over was the hardest thing they ever had to do. It made me think of handing Ella to the nurse for the last time. I don't think I thought anything of it at the time (I blame it on the shock my body was still going through) or maybe I figured it had to be quick like a bandaid sort of thing.

Joe may have a job soon! He hopefully will get a call soon saying he does anyway! He went in yesterday to talk to the manager. I've been praying for him to get a job soon. Especially before the baby gets here..I hear they are pretty expensive :)

Speaking of baby, she will be here in 7 weeks!

time for another Claire update!

We just returned for another Columbia adventure! The baby is doing well! Her hair is so long.
I was contracting during my non stress test so the doctor did a couple tests to make sure things are fine, and to make sure I didn't need to stay in the hospital overnight but things are just fine! We are still planning to have little Claire make her debut on the 18th of November. 

My blood sugars are still too stinking high! It drives me bonkers! I'm doing better emotionally I think than I have been in the past day or two. I just got freaked out about all those babies dying. It made me wonder if we would lose ours too. I know somewhere in the world there has to be someone who has lost a 'rainbow baby'. 

Joe's still trying for a job. He applied at a donut shop. That should be interesting if he gets it. I think they want someone who can decorate donuts, so it should bring it his creative side. He's tossing around the idea of changing majors in school. He says the more he takes a certain class, the less he thinks he will be interested in a broadcast major. I'm thankful he's so excited about having another child. He's a big support for me. He understands what I am feeling ...I mean, when it comes to being afraid of losing another. Of course he can't understand what its like to be pregnant :) that'd be weird.

I'm sore. My hips hurt most of the time..at least when I am not sitting. I don't mean to complain. I mean, I'd rather not be pain but I am super excited and thankful we are expecting another baby!

not sure what to call this one....

All I know is its crazy to me that 5 babies that I know of have lost their lives this week! I told Joe the feeling of "this baby is going to die" has came back to me. I had kind of the same feeling with Ella. I don't know if I'm starting to feel that way because so many babies have died this week and satan is feeding off of it. I wonder.
I have another doctor appointment for baby tomorrow! I actually have two. It's going to be a busy day, but that's alright. It does our nerves a lot of good to know that our daughter is alive and well. I've been feeling alright the last few weeks. I am sore though! My hips have never been good. She likes to play with my diaphragm so sometimes I can't breathe and that's fun :) For some reason, I think I feel more physical stress with this baby. I mean, she feels heavier I think. I wonder if I think that because its been awhile since I have been pregnant with Ella and just don't remember fully. 
Ever since I have started the Elizabeth George study with the church I have started to try to stick to having scheduled study/and maybe some prayer time in there too. I realize that when the baby does come I will probably want a schedule. I hear that once you make one, you'll wonder how you ever got along without it..I think i remember hearing that. I've only been doing it for a few weeks but so far that's proven to be true! 

just sittin here...

While Joe and another guy play a video game. I'm sleepy! I'm sleepy a lot though and I know that, thats not about to change! But i'm excited to be awake for late nights with the baby. Is that crazy?

Anyway, ever since the loss of our little girl, I have become more aware of the hurting world around me. I'm more aware of what it is like for life just to really really suck! For some reason growing up the way I did, and my parents divorce didn't seem like that big of a deal. I think it IS a big deal but after losing a child it pales in comparison.

I'm in this apartment a lot! It's easy to feel lonely and secluded from the world. It's making it a bunch easier to have quiet time with God. Is that bad? I think I'd find out how much discipline I had if I was busy during the day. A certain little girl will be here in less than 2 months and then I will have a chance to really try to exercise discipline. I hate that I'm not even busy during the day and find it hard to exercise discipline. It doesn't even have to be about spending time with God, it can be about anything. Like, for instance..cleaning the kitchen or something.

I have come to the realization why the baby's room isn't put together, at least from what I can figure. I know I have a little less than 2 months to get it put together so a part of me just says "wait, i'll have time to do it later." but another part of me is scared to do her room. I know that may sound horrible. It kinda sounds horrible for me to even say..that I would even think this way but I'm partially a little scared that she won't make it and I will have to face a put together room again. That I will have to face all those broken dreams again. I know putting a room together or not putting it together won't make a lick of difference on how things actually turn out. I am still asking God not to take this little one away from us.

It's very hard for me to pray His will because I'm afraid of what that will may be. I know He knows whats better for me than  I do, so whats to be afraid of?

another Columbia trip

Claire is weighing in at 3 lbs and 6 ounces as of yesterday! After she got woke up by the 'buzzer' on my belly she was very active. Things are progressing quite well. The doctor did tell us though, that there is a bit too much amniotic fluid around the baby. I didn't ask how that was a bad thing. I think I was just honestly afraid of the answer. He said that it was due to the diabetes that there is too much fluid around her. So please pray that my glucose levels will straighten out. I also need prayer to pay more attention to the foods I eat. I pay attention most of the time but I just tell myself 'it'll be okay if I have a little bit of ....(fill in the blank)".

I do get scared that we will lost another. I have almost 8 weeks left in this pregnancy and find myself wondering if I'm a ticking time bomb. I pray that God will spare this little one's life. That we will not have to experience the loss of another child. We have ultrasound pictures from every doctor appointment (at least with the high risk doctor) but we don't have a scanner so I can put them online so you can see them!

Joe is looking for a job still. He applied at an Italian restaurant that is apparently hiring for all positions so we're hoping and I know I'm praying that this one will work out.

oh nothing...

I'm honestly just trying to find a way to pass the time. It's just me for the night! Joe's got a free ticket for a baseball game. Today has been one of those days where I just feel lonesome. Being in a new town has been nice but man it does stink when I don't have anything familiar to go to. Maybe that doesn't make sense. i just mean like, i can't just call a friend and meet up with them somewhere. I'm going to be in Columbia every week till the baby is born. I'm thankful to be able to meet with the doctor every week to check on our Claire. I'm pretty much a paranoid momma but I am trying to hand that over to God. When I fail and I start worry I feel even worse cause I feel like a failure..only sometimes though. There are times I'm just focused on the worry and not even thinking about the fact that I told God he could have my worry cause His yoke is easy and light. 

I feel sort of broken right now. I don't know that I can explain it. Not that I want to give up and throw in the towel or anything. I just wonder what God has in store for our family. Joe called kfc this morning. They hired someone else. Even though Joe called I don't even know how many times to check on his application and has had 6 years experience..we thought it would be 'in the bag.' I guess thats what happens when we start to get full of ourselves. Well, to be honest, I kinda had a teeny hunch he wouldn't get hired but hoped I was wrong. 

I've wondered if he will ever get a job. We have our baby coming in just a couple months! I REALLY REALLY want her to come. I REALLY REALLY want her to be taken care of as well. I got a letter today saying that the gas money we will spend on monday cannot be reimbursed. There is a blessing in being able to go see the dr. in the first place. But it really stinks that we can't get this company to replace the money we will spend. Their reason was that we have to travel TOO far....its 92 miles one way I believe

...and the wondering about how we will survive continues..

I understand God will not forsake us. It feels like it to a degree. I mean, We are not taking in income. We have lived here for over a month and I just feel like losing hope into Joe finding a job any time soon with every passing day.. I wish I had something deep and profound to say that would make you think 'man, thats so encouraging' but maybe right now its me that needs to encouragement. I have asked and asked for God to provide a job and that job isn't here yet. I know that people pray for years and years for a certain thing to happen...I hope I don't have to pray for years for God to provide Joe a job.

9 more weeks!!

Baby Claire will be here 9 weeks from today! It's pretty much surreal. I feel like we have waited for 2 years  for this baby. I pray that in 9 weeks we will finally have a live, healthy baby in our arms. I miss Ella too. There isn't part of me that doesn't wish she was here..okay, the motherly, I want you to have the very best is glad she's in Heaven. In the very beginning of losing her I couldn't understand how it would be better for a baby to be with Jesus and not her mother. I still struggle with it at times. I'm happy to say that I feel like I have grown since losing her. I understand God is with me during this pregnancy but I still feel like he could take away another baby. This baby will be here very soon! I'm hoping the time will go by pretty fast. There is a part of me that doesn't want the time to pass. Particularly if she will die in the womb as her sister did.I know of 2 people who have had babies in the past week or so and I can't help but wonder "will I get my happy ending?"


The Elizabeth George study we have been doing on Wednesday morning has been going well. I have learned quite a bit about the blessing of prayer. I've discovered that God takes delight in those that take delight in Him. Sounds crazy huh to just figure that out? Maybe I just needed reminding. I pray for God's blessings but I have to ask myself how far am I willing to go for Him? I am trying to give up more time during my day to be more disciplined and spend more time with Him..and thinking about Him. Tuesday nights have been also going pretty well. I am thankful for the friendships that could be bonded together. 


I still feel like I am a little bit more secluded than I should be. I feel like it will take me longer to gain more than just a few friendships (not that I'm not thankful for them) than I had hoped.Not that a person needs a lot of friendships..I'm one of those quality of quantity people. So maybe what I just said sounded a little silly. 


Praise God that we received a gift card in the mail today! The envelope did not have a return address on it but we are thankful! We also received a letter in the mail from Sprint. They took $5 off our monthly bill! Which I know isn't much but right now as we have no income everything helps!

baby Claire!

We got home from Columbia not that long ago. Claire is doing fine! First we had our appointment with the doctor who will deliver her. Then, I had to get blood drawn (ick) and then I had an appointment with the high risk doctor. We did a non stress test and an ultrasound. I wish I had a scanner to put some of the pictures online. She was putting two fingers up like a peace sign at one point. It was cute. She wasn't moving as well today during the ultrasound but the tech said that was normal. Since she had already been so active during the nts test apparently that made up for the 20 minutes of time they were looking for her to be active. She said that the baby had probably just worn herself out and thats why she wasn't as active. Of course I asked her if it was a problem that Claire wasn't as active during the ultrasound. I am one paranoid momma. I told Joe that if I didn't ask I would have gone crazy this week as we wait for another appointment.

baby appointment!

Joe and I leave in about an hour to get to our first doctor appointment. Then, 45 minutes later we have another one! Our first one is just to listen to her heartbeat, and kinda check up on me. The next one in pretty much the most exciting of the two! I get an ultrasound and a non stress test. The exciting part is obviously the ultrasound part. The non stress test is kinda boring. I just sit there and push a button every time Claire moves. It's exciting to be honest with how much she moves in just a matter of like 20-30 minutes. Maybe its just more exciting because we lost of our first child. I have been praying that Claire will not die like Ella did. I do not want to experience the loss of two children.

Earlier, I was doing my homework for the Elizabeth George study we've been doing at church it was talking about how God disciplines us because he loves us. Now, I know that God did not take our baby girl away to 'teach us a lesson.' When we first lost her I felt like that. I think I remember praying and praying and wondering and wondering what the lesson could be. In the early days (when I say early I mean like the first 6 months) it took me awhile to stop thinking about her constantly. I know that might sound silly but again, until you've lost a loved one, you are ignorant (and I don't mean that in a rude way). Now, I come to the conclusion that I am not glad our daughter died but I am happy with the ability to connect with people in a way not a lot of people (especially my age) can say that they can.

 My sister lost her third child and as far as I know, doesn't have anyone to connect with in a 'grieving mom' way. Now, we can be there for each other. Before we lost Ella I was ignorant of her pain (obviously). I also remember thinking 'she's got 5 other living children to take care of!' now I realize that doesn't matter. They still don't take the place of Luke. I'm not saying my nephews and niece do not matter!! Don't get me wrong. please! I hope my point is understood though.

For those of you that are reading this and are believers please! please! pray for my baby girl to be born healthy, alive and well. We have less than 10 weeks till she's here! Joe is still unemployed. He is supposed to be getting in touch with kfc after he gets out of class today.

We are headed to Columbia immediately after he gets home to look in on baby Claire!

today...

Today Joe and I went to ucm's first home football game. Of course they had part of the day dedicated to those who died in the twin towers and Pennsylvania. Also those who currently who are in the 'saving lives' positions. Such as nurses, military, firemen, and so on. I saw a woman who is obviously in the military walk across the track. For some reason it really hit me, just how much these people are giving up for us. I don't know why it was something that small to hit me like that. Is it weird that it also relates to how I perceive what Jesus did for us? 

I had an appointment Wednesday for the baby. She is doing exceptionally well! We are REALLY grateful she is doing so well. Oh and UCM needs Jesus. I know everyone does but man! I watched a documentary called " Lord, save us from your followers" yesterday. It opened my eyes. The guy who was the 'host' said he is a Christian but he wanted to see what people think of Christians (I think. I'm pregnant, I forget a lot!) Non Christians talked about how they had been hurt and judged by Christians so bad they just don't care to be a Christian themselves. As Christ's followers, how can we harbor so much hatred in our hearts? Has Christ really transformed us if we refuse to love the people He loves? I'm not pointing the fingers and saying 'you! you! you!' I'm talking to me as well. 

Of course they have cheerleaders at a football game right? The guys behind us were making comments. My heart went out to those girls. I think they'd have to be totally ignorant not to know they are being looked at in a sexual way. Maybe they didn't mind it. I was thinking about how I felt bad for the girls that the guys were making comments like that. Then I thought, Why aren't I praying for God to change the guy's hearts?  It's been on my heart lately how quickly I tend to judge without praying for the person...does that even make sense?

just a few things....

Yesterday I had a baby appointment in Columbia. Claire is doing exceptionally well. She moved 54 times (I think) in like 20 minutes! It was nuts. I was wondering if she was going to move because on the trip to Columbia I think she was napping mostly. I started my non-stress tests yesterday. I will have them once a week until the baby is here. The nurse just wraps a band with a monitor on it around my belly to listen to Claire's heart and I push a button every time I feel her move. She is growing even more hair! We had a different technician this week than last week. The one we had this week said that babies usually start growing hair at this point (almost 28 weeks) but Claire has already started! We saw her breathing! It was intense! The doctor said I need to do a better job at scheduling my meal times and times I give myself insulin..I'm not very good at having a schedule anymore since I don't really have to. Yesterday morning the first actually session of the Elizabeth George study was held. I really enjoyed it. It was a coincidence that she talked about scheduling your time better. She talked about how we should give God the best of our time. I totally needed to hear it. So, starting today I intend to be better. Both with giving God more time and with scheduling things out meal and insulin wise. I told Joe I'm going to have to start "penciling things in" like someone of uber importance or something. Joe STILL isn't employed. He's waiting for the manager at kfc to call...still. He told me that even if he gets the kfc job he doesn't think he will get paid enough to pay all the bills. If its not one thing, its another right? Little Claire will be here 10 weeks from today! It's almost unbelievable! It's totally exciting. We still have a few things we want to take care of but I don't know if it will happen. We need a crib still. We don't have a baby monitor..that'd be nice..oh and a camera to send pictures and videos when she's born. So many things..AHH!!!  I trust that God wanted us here because he opened the door so quickly for us to come and I had prayed about it periodically (which probably wasn't enough) until we actually came here that if he didn't want us to come to let us know. Everything seemed to point to us coming here. I know he wouldn't send us here without providing for us. It just seems hard right now. 

27 weeks!

I turned 27 weeks on Friday! Only 10 more weeks to go till she's here. I'm very excited! Today Walmart was having a sale on children's clothes. We found a dress for Claire. It was a $1 and is the most adorable thing pretty much ever..well, that might be an exaggeration actually :) Right now Joe's playing football and I'm on here and listening to 'total axxess'. Wally's hilarious! I have laundry to put away..but I don't wanna do it! We are starting to study the book of Luke in our small group at church. It's pretty cool actually to talk about it with other people. There were things that were said that I hadn't even thought of! I'm excited for the study to continue. On Wednesday we will officially start the Elizabeth George study at church. I'm pretty excited about that as well. It's gonna be good to get to know other women who go to Northside. It is a women's Bible study..obviously right?

 I've been more calm about the baby in the past couple days. I'm not as paranoid about Claire dying as I have been. I know sometime in the next 2 months I'm going to be all nutty again. Probably as her birthday comes along..or, when the time comes when Ella died, which is only going to be a day before Claire is born. There are times when I tell God that I can't feel the baby move and I'd like her to kick to ease my tension and shortly after Claire kicks! I'm starting to realize God might actually listen to my request not to take Claire away from us! There are times I feel like I'm telling him I want her to stay with us for no reason. I feel like he will just take her at the end like Ella.  I realized today that a woman in my small group at church had a miscarriage. I am constantly amazed at how not alone I am at this whole baby loss process.

I miss Central. I miss the small atmosphere and everything being so familiar. I know eventually we'll get there here in Warrensburg but its definately going to be a process. Joe is going to kfc tomorrow to talk to the manager to hopefully get a job there. I'm praying he gets a job soon. I like electricity! :)

someone help!

The lower part of my blog! I can't figure it out! The part that says who I am and the blog archive stuff is so big!!!  I don't like it that big..