living with the 'mundane'

I'd venture to say I've been in a rut for quite awhile actually. You may have read about me talking about this rut, I don't remember if I've told you about it or not yet. I knew that before I had children, I would want to be at home with them. Now that I have a child here with me, I am doing what I always thought I'd do-staying home with her. I love her. However, its the same thing day in and day out..as "they" say "the same crap just a different day". I have to remind myself before I had Claire, I wanted this SOO bad and now that I have it, the grass seems greenier on the other side (ie having a job, going places during the day)

Why is it human nature to be this way? Am I the only one to feel this way?

 Since Joe's in the Navy now, I'm sure we will be living in lots of different places around the nation (navy gets mostly coast places.) I talked with an airforce wife today. She told me military does have a lot of stuff to offer for families. Its important to maintain structure for our children. Even though we might be moving around a lot and dad might not be home, I want them to feel some sort of normalcy. If there is someone who is part of a military family who has advice, please give me your imput. 

she turned 2..thats something new

Claire turned 2 years old on Nov. 16th. At first it was a little heartbreaking at the thought of her getting older. Now, since I've had a few days to get used to the idea, I'm really looking forward to getting to watch her grow up. Hopefully the next milestone we make is potty training. Her grandma (my mom) got her some 'big girl underoos' for her birthday and we had already had the potty so now its up to me to start! I say its up to me because it pretty much is, Joe works 2 jobs and honestly has no clue to how potty train a kid, let alone a girl. Truth me told, neither do I. I am going off what other moms have done and what I think would work. She knows when she goes 'poo poo' in her diaper-which could be anything. Sometimes its poo..I think she gets confused. Its cute though. She's started to let me know when she's hungry now. She's started to say "hungy" and "eat"

I am still doing online classes with Liberty and I really like it. I wish I had the drive to do better however. I am still staying home with ms. Claire during the day

Joe has his jobs and should be back today from KC. He went to take his physical and test to enter into the Navy. Scary yet oh so exciting at the thought of it. He told me last night he did well on the test. He did the physical part today and I have yet to hear about that

being a part of that group

I am in the babyloss club. I consider it both fortunate and unfortunate. I remember before Ella even came about to be used by God and I didn't care how He did it. Boy, if I knew then what I know now..but anyway, another mom joined the ranks recently. She was 8 months along. So, naturally (to me anyway) I gave permission to send my email & phone number if she would ever need someone to talk to who "knows". Today is International Babyloss Day. All the babies who died before or shortly after they were born are being especially remembered today. At 7pm (whatever time zone I believe) we are to light a candle in rememberance of our little ones. I probably won't get a chance to do this..well, on time anyway. I watched "October Baby" last night. Great movie. I sobbed. I miss my little girl everyday. Wondering what she would be like now (age 3) is almost too much to bear sometimes. I get this horrible empty pit in my heart! I hate it...I try to think about her praising God in Heaven. Then, I wonder if its all a fairy tale (that there is even a Heaven). I know there is. God is tenderly and patiently working on my faith and trust in Him.

Can I get a witness?

The last 3 weeks, a Jehovah's Witness has been coming to visit me. I'm convinced she's trying to convert me! Well, what else is there purpose..that was a duh statement. I knew our beliefs were different but woo wee! She doesn't believe in the Holy Spirit, doesn't believe that God and Jesus are one, amongst some other things. Now, she asks me my opinion A LOT and I feel so ignorant. I know what I know is true but man, this guys really know there stuff! It seems she is so close to the truth I know but just isn't quite there. If you are curious about how their beliefs differ from Christians check out http://www.jw.org/en. Its some pretty intense stuff I think. I feel like a Moses. I just mean, I feel like "God, what are you doing through me? I'm ill equipped. Why did you send Teresa to my door?" If anyone of you is an expert at debate, I need some tips!!! I'm not good with my words..at least not with her. I don't want to 'cram it down her throat' but I don't want to just let her talk without putting words in of my own.
Can anyone relate?

the comparison game

I play this game..a lot! I compare myself to other mothers, and wives specificially. Nobody told me the work of a SAHM (stay at home mom) isn't roses and peaches all the time. I love LOVE my daughter but its not always easy being at home day in and day out. I know it isn't healthy to compare myself to others..I don't know why I do it. Other than "sin is fun" I have no answer for you.

I've began there are other ways we are called to be stewards other than with our money. I stink at being a good steward of my time! Neither my husband or little girl starve, go without clothes or anything like that. I guess typing all this out has led me to remember..there I go again, comparing myself. I don't know how to break this nasty habit. I realize what God has called me to do looks different than what He's called you to do. I still think "God, what else should I be doing besides being a mommy?"I've come up empty.  I don't want to be a Jonah, running the FARTHEST away from my calling that I can get. Now, I don't know if this is what I wanna "hear"  (stay at home with Claire and nothing else) or i'm just not  listening to Him very clearly. Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing His voice with my own. WOW! THAT sounded egotistical didn't it? I totally didn't mean it that way. I probably should have said I have a hard time knowing when God is speaking to me. I've came up with a couple ideas..such as call/meet with the local hospital, tell them what i've been through with Ella. If anyone going through losing a child needs someone, giving them my contact info and just being there for mothers especially. I've thought of going door to door just chatting it up with people or just taking walks and hoping to find a "God moment." I am pursuing a counseling degree to try to help people on a professional level but I want it and I want it NOW!
patience Ashley patience!

I've started a book study with a group of lovely girls over the book "7". The author is talking about getting rid of excess in our lives..I think I'm gonna enjoy this..in the end. Right now, the truth is hard to hear..even though I need to but I'm excited.

please read, I need opinoins

I know its been a long time since I've written anything. I have started school in the past couple weeks and its been hard to know how to balance life, such as Claire and Joe. And school and cleaning and so on...
anyway, so, I read something online the other day and wanted some opinoins because quite honestly, I don't know what to think. I was reading about the importance and purpose of marriage. Someone wrote a comment that made me think. This person was saying that since marraige is so highly thought of from God we ought to take care of it! Yes, true. I agreed with that. This person said that we ought to take care of our marriages before we'd say..working on patience or gentleness. Does that make sense? However, I think that in a marraige, you will work on patience and gentleness. If you've been married for more than 24 hours you know marriage is full of compromise and that requires patience. I am working on being gentle with my answers and statements. Particuarly if I am annoyed or angry..Or, even if he is angry. If momma isn't happy, ain't nobody happy! but if momma's happy, and everyone else is in a pooey mood, then it seems to help if I respond gently.
I hope all this makes some sort of sense.

we've moved

The last 2 weeks seem somewhat of a whirlwind. Getting ready to move was a long task..with a 1 year old, it seems anything takes twice as long as it used it. She loved trying to 'help' me pack. The week before we moved, we went to Illinois to see family. It was Ella's birthday. We stopped in Moberly on the way back home. and then the saturday after we got back we moved across town. I knew it was going to be a long, tedious process but GOLLY GEE!!! We still don't have Claire's crib put up yet. Joe got a second job. He works about a half hour away now too. So, he's gone a lot. So, by the time he gets home, he's tired and just wants to relax and I..well, I try to either relax our do housekeeping stuff when Claire's asleep for her nap..speaking of which, I shouldn't be on here long because she's been asleep for the last hour and I STILL have laundry to put away. Then, I get to take another load downstairs (probably tomorrow) and do it..and then put that away..as well as put Claire's crib up. Well, so much for her staying asleep, she just woke up. So I must go!

update on life

I've not blogged in a long time. Today we did a little apartment hunting. We didn't decide on anything for sure but at least we have some ideas! Joe and Claire are taking their naps. Momma ate lunch and cleaned a bit. I'm not gonna lie, I have been coming up with some ideas on how to decorate my next apartment, even though I have no idea what it might look like..wierd huh?

Claire is doing wonderful! She's as ornery as ever but we love her. She is a helpful little girl, which makes me totally happy.

I am grateful to visit with a particular friend at least once a week. It's making me see things in myself that need to change. Our friendship has given me the courage to actually change the things I need to. Its  probably not 'normal' to have a close friendship with someone almost 30 years older than you almost, but I appreciate the wisdom she has. I've been praying for wisdom and I suppose this is His way of answering me :0)

vbs and the rest!

I am a crew leader this week at Vacation Bible School at the church I attend. My group is a group of 5 year olds this year. There is one in particular that has been giving me a hard time this week. His mom told me that he had A LOT going on in his life right now. I sort of figured before she even told me..he has it in him to be a sweet kid. 

We are learning all about trusting God. No matter what people do, trust God. No matter how we feel,trust God, no matter what happens, trust God..and There is another one, I'm not remembering. Its kicked my butt this week. In a good way I mean, its totally the reminder I needed. They raised over $1,000 since yesterday for Mexico. 2 of the guys got their heads shaved because they told the kids if they raised the money, they'd shave it. One of the guys hadn't got a haircut in a year because he was holding out for this week.

I've been feeling better mentally and emotionally. I'm scared that once we go back to normal life next week that I will go back into the pooper again. I heard someone mention that in order to be fulfilled in life, we need to be spiritually fulfilled. I don't know if its because I'm a bit busier this week or if its because I feel myself getting filled up spiritually again that I feel like my life isn't a total waste anymore. I hate that I feel this way....wait! I think I was reading that in a book! Its turned out to be a book I wish I would have read before I have started to now. Thank goodness is was free on kindle for a limited time or else I don't think I would have the opprotunity to read it.

I've been trying to journal almost every day. That helps. I think its a good idea to get my feelings out somehow. Even if just on a piece of paper that nobody else will read. I still have trouble praying :( it feels like I'm talking to myself..I can't wait for the feeling that I'm talking to no one to pass....

holding onto hope

I'm currently listening to an online sermon about prayer. I would say my prayer life is sort of like a roller coaster. Higher sometimes and lower others. I hate that I barely say "hello" to God before I come to Him with my laundry list of crap I'd been dealing with that day..or night. I've recently started a journal..again. I haven't really kept one adamantly for years. I was keeping one for a prayer journal but as I said..its been a roller coaster.

Ella's birthday is soon..July 19th but thats still soon in my eyes. I think I'm having a harder time in my grief because of it. She's always in my heart but it becomes a little more apparent at the time of year when her birthday comes. Even holidays and my,Joe or Claire's birthday makes it more real that she's not here.

I've discovered I need more to do. I have too much time on my hands. I think thats largely to contribute to the sadness and anxiety lately

4th year anniversary

Yesterday was Joe and I's wedding anniversary! I know its only been 4 years but at the same time..its..been..four..years. We have been through so much already..starting off with the loss of our first child.I've not been through things that someone whose been married like 50 years or anything but losing our baby and then the social work and bereavement people telling us our marriage will most likely fail because we've lost her...ouch!

After Joe got off work this morning we went to Independence Mall. He let me shop a bit. On the way to the mall he suprised be with a cd! It was awesome because he got me another one by the same artist for mothers day and I couldn't help but think "I wish it had 'this was the stuff' on it" Of course I didn't tell him that. We went to go get starbucks, ate lunch, I spent money..we perused the mall...

We went to "noodles and co" for supper...yumm! We went home for a few then went to a movie. We watched 'The avengers" I tell you, I was a bit sceptical before we went to see it but it was great!!! It was awesomely easier for me to follow than I thought..I normally can't miss a beat with sci fi movies or else I get lost. I surely did with all the superhero movies leading up to the avengers.

It was awesome to be able to spend a day with my one and only again without worry of my child. Of course, I missed her and kept wondering what she was doing and how she was but it was nice to be able to get away for a day and escape with Joe. I feel like it rekindled something we had lost in the busyness of work, school,baby and everyday life.

Claire turned 18 months old Wednesday. She had her checkup. Everything was fine except she has actually fallen off the scale where growing is concerned.So today, we are going to get some blood drawn so the dr can run some tests to make sure nothing serious is wrong with Claire..I'm sure it'll be fine but there is still fear in this momma's heart..especially after losing one baby already...

Graduation!

Joe graduated from UCM on Saturday. His parents and sister flew in on Friday night to watch him graduate. I stayed home and finished up odds and ends here while Joe and Claire went to Kansas City to get them from them the airport.
Of course, this was the weekend the weather decided to be super humid & hot!
Saturday, Joe and Claire went to bring his parents donuts and coffee while I stayed here (with Jenni) we pretty well waited till the last minute to get dressed. It was nice to be able just to be lazy. We went to New China to eat (where Joe used to work) Claire decided she was going to be crabby and tired so it took me forever to eat. She likes the waitresses and people who work at New China and they adore her as well so they held her for us for a bit.
Then, off to walmart! Its always a game of cat and mouse anytime our family goes shopping together.But thankfully this time it wasn't too bad...then home for about 10 minutes and off to graduation! Claire was great..at first.until she peed on me..then it was sort of downhill from there..sort of. I didn't get to sit and watch the graduation. I strolled her around in her stroller for awhile. We stood with Jenni and Dad for a bit...
Lastly, to end the night, we had steak and watched a movie "cowboys and aliens" sorta wierd in my book but pretty good all at the same time.
Sunday, we went to Moberly to go to Timberlake. We left the apartment at 5:30 am to go to get coffee, donuts and pick up the parents. There was ever so conviently an after church carry in. So we got a free lunch!
We went to Joe's friend's house to hang out for a couple hours then Hu Hot for supper and then home.
It was a good weekend..the days were long but the weekend was so short.
On the way home from Moberly, I had a nice long conversation with Joe's sister...it was really nice. We hadn't sat and talked like that for a LONG time.


***in other news***

Mother's day is ever drawing nearer. Clearly, this makes me think of my children..both of them. I miss Ella. I've been dreaming of her here and there..its rough. I recently decided to make a collage of both my girls. Its insane how 2 kids can come from the 2 same parents and look nothing alike. Ella is all Joe and Claire is all me..I wonder all the time how it would be with a 2 year old and a 1 year old..would Ella be a good big sister? Would Claire be less lonesome??

so hard to explain

what's going on in my mind and heart, but I will try...

Recently, my brother's wife lost her dad and brother all within two weeks of each other. My brother himself just learned he has leukemia. I can't imagine the heartache!

Joe went for an interview at Schwans in Sedalia (a week or so ago he had one in Columbia) the job looks promising but requires a lot of hours. He will have 13 hour days, working at least 4 days a week (if commission is good otherwise he has to work 5). It definately has good pay involved..insurance the whole shabang. But is it worth it? We will not be in the financial rut we are now. I don't know how to feel. I know one of us has to 'rake in the dough'. Unfortunately, we all can't stay at home all day and be with the ones we love (although, if we could I think we would drive each other nuts) I will have time to miss him thats for sure. Will Claire know her daddy though? I understand this job won't be forever. At least I hope not. He hasn't even been hired yet so I don't know what I'm getting so worked up about but it's been on my mind a lot!

Claire is doing wonderfully. She climbs up and down on the couch by herself now. Yesterday she wanted one of those huge balls from Walmart so our spoiled littlest little got one. She carried it all by herself through most of the store. I was very impressed! The ball is pink with green stripes..very cute.
She's on an antibiotic for a cough and cold. She takes her medicine like a champ though. Personally, I think it stinks and would taste terrible but I am so proud of her everytime she acts like its no big deal to take it.

I've turned into a super nerd. I like documentaries now. Not ones like the Russian Government or anything like that. Last night for example I watched one about the Jewish culture in Jesus' day. Yesterday, I read an article about how some research(ist?) found out we don't have one 'God shaped hole" in our brains but many, the gist of the story being our need for God isn't God given. I have been in such a spiritual rut for almost the past year that I am still vulnerable to things like that and now I feel all frazzled again and don't know what to believe. It doesn't seem very likely to me that this world is for nothing. If you don't believe in creationism it seems to me that you wouldn't have very much hope. The meaning of life..well, its meaningless. To believe we all evolved from a single cell or something crazy like that is nuts because of how intricate we are. I know from watching our littlest little grow inside me almost every week of her pregnancy that I was just blown away at watching her form inside me. I know all the logistics but there is still a hurt and emptiness in my heart...

if you read this, please, please let me know that you do. I don't care if its a one letter comment. I just don't wanna talk to myself anymore..or what seems like it

whats up chicken butt?

Not a lot here. We are coming down to the homestretch in this apartment. We have to be out by aug. 1st. Thats not to say that we won't be leaving before then..but right now we just really don't know. Currently, everyone (besides me obviously) in the Morris household is napping. I am getting ready to eat lunch in hopes to get it all consumed by the time Ms. Claire wakes up. We'll see right? Kids seem to have some sort of radar that tells them to wake up when you least want them to.
The Christian Campus house here in town is doing something called "something to eat" this week. You can buy meals for super duper cheap, bag them yourself and at the end of the week they are going to send them overseas..pretty cool if you ask me. Yesterday, Claire kept making googly eyes at the guy taking the money...the flirting has started already. Its sorta crazy.
Its supposedly gonna be rainy today..so, that means more than likely a boring day.I've been thinking a lot about prayer..well, it makes a difference that we talked about it Monday night at Bible study group. I have been so guilty of "doing" things instead of having a relationship with him..its so scary. You know that verse that talks about how 'we've drove out demons in your name' and then Jesus is like "depart from me. I never knew you"..ya, scary. I have felt the peace that comes over a person after I pray about something yet, I choose not to do it not NEARLY as I should..anyone else in the same 'boat'?'

I have..

A thirst for knowledge unlike I think I have ever had. It is in the interest of God in particular. I have been struggling with spiritual warfare for what seems like a year now (it probably literally is) I am starting College again in a couple months. I want to be a counselor. I find it sort of ironic because I feel like I need counseling. If I use the word "mentor" it might make me seem like I have more of a "place" to be a counselor.
I think this is going to be one of those blogs that don't really flow or maybe not even make any sense to anyone but me. Thats okay with me. I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head before going to bed so maybe..hopefully I can get some sort of peaceful rest tonight.
I have gone back to the basics..why do I believe what I believe? Books, sermons, videos, etc...anything to tell me why, I know these things logically. My head and my heart have not been in sync with each other for quite some time..well, if they are its only momentarily. I think I just want to know so bad that I just am too anxious to even read and article and pay attention, making it seem almost useless..does this make ANY sense at all?
Yesterday, I finally asked for prayer after church. There are always "prayer partners" in the back of the sanctuary after the sermon to pray with those who need it. I NEEDED it. It was super helpful to know this person had also struggled in this area..they seem so...together & wise..I guess in reality, not so much...
In a different subject, Claire is teething & we think reaching her 'terrible 2's" I know! I know! she's only 1 but she throws fits for no reason sometimes..the dr said its normal around this age..I guess thats the good news..Joe has a break from school this week..thankfully. I'm glad to have him around this week but it is always sort of a bummer when he has to get back to his 'regularly scheduled life'. Making me feel left in the dust..I know that isn't his intention at all.
I'm starting to not feel so anxious about 'wasting my life' and always having to have something to do and if I don't..I go nuts..the feeling is still there but not as bad I don't think..losing Ella has effected me in ways I never would have imagined and 'wasting my life' has become one of them..her death was so sudden.I want to leave a legacy...who doesn't right?!

He saves me from myself

Thats the lesson in this week James' study. It has been awesome and totally what I need right now. I have been feeling so lonely (like, I'm in this BIG world alone and God has either left me or is nonexistent)  The lessons are divided up into days. Day 1,2,3,4 and 5. Anyway, I just finished day 3. All I can really say is "WOW!" We talked about the devil and his schemes and how God is in control. I honestly don't do a very good job at looking up scripture when she says 'refer to this book and verse' but I have had a thirst as of late She mentioned 2 Timothy 2:26 "Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil's trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants." (NLT) Earlier in the study, it was mentioned how "he hopes we'll think God has suddenly turned on us and we'll grow stff-necked and hardhearted." So, totally where I have lately!!! I don't know if this post is flowing very well or even makes much sense but I wanted to share what I have been learning. In today's lesson, she includes reasons to submit to God. May I share them with you?


-God knows everything about you and every matter concerning you. Nothing is hidden from his sight. So submit to God


-He is always looking out for your ultimate good and takes your hurts personally. So submit to God. 


-He is holy and worthy and incapable of abusing His divine authority over you. So submit to God.


-He knows your motive was right but your mouth messed up. So submit to God.


-He hows exactly how to make terrible into good. So submit to God. (this one personally hit me. I lost my full term baby almost 3 years ago...BIG OUCH!)


-He loves you completely and unconditionally and will never let you go. So submit to God.


-He knows the well-deliberated plan for your life and how all things must fall into place for you to fulfill your destiny. So submit to God.


-He will never put to shame those who trust in Him. So submit to God.


I am grateful to Beth Moore and to God of course for bringing this study to me.

actually spending time alone...

seems sort of eery with the nobody in the apartment but its sort of nice all at once. Joe and Claire went to a baseball game. That gave mommy a few hours to herself. I haven't been alone for hours at a time in awhile. Now, I'm thinking about all the things I need to get done..clean, go over things for school. OH YEAH! I recently got accepted to Liberty University online. I am a psychology major. I will be studying Christian Counseling. I am looking forward to this! I hope to one day work in a church wherever we end up. Joe is applying for jobs a little here, there, and everywhere.

I've been sorta stressed getting things financially ready for Liberty. I don't know what half the forms are that they need but thankfully Joe does. I'm so thankful for him constantly and in new ways it seems...I am working on intentionally becoming his best friend. I know that probably sounds funny but a lot of our marriage (at least to me) hasn't included this feature and I'm trying desperately to change this and not grow complacent.

Confusion

Matthew 21:22 "If you believe in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."


so, I've been thinking lately a lot about faith...So I know that God answers some prayers with either Yes,no, or wait...But what about verses like these that tell us if we believe that a God will answer a prayer we want answered,then we have had enough faith..I hope that made sense. 
Now, I don't go for the health and wealth gospel. I think thats just tickling your ears really...
I think I'm just confused because God does say no to some prayers...but in this verse it makes it seem like anything you ask in His name, he will do it for you...I really hope this blog makes sense...
can anyone help?

settling for the mundane?

so last night at Bible study we discussed the 'cost of being a disciple' in Luke. The portion of Scripture we were discussing was talking about how you basically have to be willing to lay down everything to be a disciple of Christ. I think it was a hard lesson for us all to talk about. It was definately one of those lessons you want to close your ears to. I've been thinking about the lesson since we talked about it. To be willing to lay down everything in order to follow Christ is a REALLY hard thought but I don't think that if we couldn't do it, God wouldn't ask it. I think that he puts his spirit in those who are genuinely trying to follow Him so why is the thought of leaving all our earthly possessions (if He would ask us to) so hard?
Why is it so hard to put our relationship with Him in front of our spouses & children. We are to love our spouses and kids...I'm not denying that one bit. I am saying that we are to love God more because he first loved us and after all, he did give us our families. Knowing that should make it easier, but for me..its hard.
After my first baby died...of course it took awhile afterwards but eventually the words in the Bible weren't just words...that you'd read in a story book for instance they became REAL because this God who held the baby girl I held not that long before in my body had written this book for me! I want that feeling back so bad...Now, I just struggle with wondering if I am thinking wishfully that God is real...I am really trying to work on the word "commitment"
if any of you are married, you probably understand you probably aren't always 100% happy with your spouse all of the time but you made a commitment you must honor so you stay and work out your issues..i'm trying to do that..I need help and prayer..anyone out there in the cyber world understand what I'm saying?

I turned...

26 this past Tuesday! I am trying to have a better outlook about getting older but honestly, is a tad depressing...
anywho, I didn't do much out of the norm that day..the only 'abnormal' thing is Lacey came over to talk for a little while..well, I talked and she listened..it seems like whenever I get adult interacting I drink it in as fast as I can.Things are going pretty well around here..Claire is doing new things ALL the time and she just loves to flash her smile..after all, she did work hard for those teeth she has..lots of pain and keeping momma awake :)

It seems like I have don't have time to myself a lot..and when I do, I always try to hurry what I'm doing..be it, take a bath, do Bible study,etc to be with Claire again..I know, I just need to slow down. I need to let Joe spend some quality time with her..whenever I hear him getting annoyed because she's being ornery and just won't stop, I feel like I need to rush in and save the day..I know that I know, I need to let him do it..I just need some encouragement to do such a thing I guess..
it's 7:10 in the morning..I've been up since about 6:15 and I think Claire will sleep till about 8:30..giving me I hope a couple hours of "me time". I don't ever wake up early to have time for "me time" as maybe I should. I might feel a little less guilty about having no time for God and maybe not feel as burnt out..don't you love it when you have epihanies (sp) when your writing?!?!

super nice weather for January...

We're thinking of taking Claire to the park when she wakes up from her nap! I'm hoping she wakes up soon. I get cabin fever pretty easily. So, last Thursday, Joe quit his job at New China. Over Christmas break he was OFFERED another job! It's an early morning donut delivery job. He has to go to bed earlier...than he normally would anyway but he says he'd rather work in the morning than at night. I would have to agree, when he's gone in the morning Claire and I are sleeping most of that time so its sort of like he's not even gone..except when I roll over and realize he's not there (which, I think its always going to make me a little sad) Its a huge blessing to be able to spend our nights togther. "Saying" it out loud sounds so silly but Claire seems to really enjoy the times where she can just sit on the couch between mom and dad  while she eats her crackers.