Monday, March 19, 2012

I have..

A thirst for knowledge unlike I think I have ever had. It is in the interest of God in particular. I have been struggling with spiritual warfare for what seems like a year now (it probably literally is) I am starting College again in a couple months. I want to be a counselor. I find it sort of ironic because I feel like I need counseling. If I use the word "mentor" it might make me seem like I have more of a "place" to be a counselor.
I think this is going to be one of those blogs that don't really flow or maybe not even make any sense to anyone but me. Thats okay with me. I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head before going to bed so maybe..hopefully I can get some sort of peaceful rest tonight.
I have gone back to the basics..why do I believe what I believe? Books, sermons, videos, etc...anything to tell me why, I know these things logically. My head and my heart have not been in sync with each other for quite some time..well, if they are its only momentarily. I think I just want to know so bad that I just am too anxious to even read and article and pay attention, making it seem almost useless..does this make ANY sense at all?
Yesterday, I finally asked for prayer after church. There are always "prayer partners" in the back of the sanctuary after the sermon to pray with those who need it. I NEEDED it. It was super helpful to know this person had also struggled in this area..they seem so...together & wise..I guess in reality, not so much...
In a different subject, Claire is teething & we think reaching her 'terrible 2's" I know! I know! she's only 1 but she throws fits for no reason sometimes..the dr said its normal around this age..I guess thats the good news..Joe has a break from school this week..thankfully. I'm glad to have him around this week but it is always sort of a bummer when he has to get back to his 'regularly scheduled life'. Making me feel left in the dust..I know that isn't his intention at all.
I'm starting to not feel so anxious about 'wasting my life' and always having to have something to do and if I don't..I go nuts..the feeling is still there but not as bad I don't think..losing Ella has effected me in ways I never would have imagined and 'wasting my life' has become one of them..her death was so sudden.I want to leave a legacy...who doesn't right?!

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