Sunday, April 22, 2012

so hard to explain

what's going on in my mind and heart, but I will try...

Recently, my brother's wife lost her dad and brother all within two weeks of each other. My brother himself just learned he has leukemia. I can't imagine the heartache!

Joe went for an interview at Schwans in Sedalia (a week or so ago he had one in Columbia) the job looks promising but requires a lot of hours. He will have 13 hour days, working at least 4 days a week (if commission is good otherwise he has to work 5). It definately has good pay the whole shabang. But is it worth it? We will not be in the financial rut we are now. I don't know how to feel. I know one of us has to 'rake in the dough'. Unfortunately, we all can't stay at home all day and be with the ones we love (although, if we could I think we would drive each other nuts) I will have time to miss him thats for sure. Will Claire know her daddy though? I understand this job won't be forever. At least I hope not. He hasn't even been hired yet so I don't know what I'm getting so worked up about but it's been on my mind a lot!

Claire is doing wonderfully. She climbs up and down on the couch by herself now. Yesterday she wanted one of those huge balls from Walmart so our spoiled littlest little got one. She carried it all by herself through most of the store. I was very impressed! The ball is pink with green stripes..very cute.
She's on an antibiotic for a cough and cold. She takes her medicine like a champ though. Personally, I think it stinks and would taste terrible but I am so proud of her everytime she acts like its no big deal to take it.

I've turned into a super nerd. I like documentaries now. Not ones like the Russian Government or anything like that. Last night for example I watched one about the Jewish culture in Jesus' day. Yesterday, I read an article about how some research(ist?) found out we don't have one 'God shaped hole" in our brains but many, the gist of the story being our need for God isn't God given. I have been in such a spiritual rut for almost the past year that I am still vulnerable to things like that and now I feel all frazzled again and don't know what to believe. It doesn't seem very likely to me that this world is for nothing. If you don't believe in creationism it seems to me that you wouldn't have very much hope. The meaning of life..well, its meaningless. To believe we all evolved from a single cell or something crazy like that is nuts because of how intricate we are. I know from watching our littlest little grow inside me almost every week of her pregnancy that I was just blown away at watching her form inside me. I know all the logistics but there is still a hurt and emptiness in my heart...

if you read this, please, please let me know that you do. I don't care if its a one letter comment. I just don't wanna talk to myself anymore..or what seems like it

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