we're back!!!

We got back yesterday morning. Joe arrived early monday morning. Like 7 am! I was awake almost the whole night before. It felt like Christmas when your like 10 years old. I am so glad to have my husband back! Claire is super glad to have dad back too. She would have times while we were away where she would holler for dada. It seemed like while Claire and myself were in Illinois there was a lot of drama..not sure I enjoyed that..especially without Joe to help me cope. Ella's 2nd bday was on the 19th. I got through most of the day alright. I didn't go to her grave till Joe got home. I hate going! well, its a like/hate thing actually. I like going to 'be with' my baby but I hate thats where her body is. I hate leaving..I feel like I'm leaving her behind

its officially 2 years

Since we lost our first baby girl. She died at almost 38 weeks into the pregnancy and was born exactly 38 weeks along. Today has pretty much been a hum drum do nothing day.. I thought about Ella all day but I didn't really feel like it was hard till the later part of the afternoon. I wanted to cry! It's the sort of cry where if you start you don't know if you'll stop though. I went into Collin's room (my nephew. I've been sleeping in his room part of the time I have been here) and played with him and Claire..well, sort of.I was mostly distant. Shedding a tear here and there..so Collin wouldn't catch on to what was going on. Later my sister asks me if I want to go swimming with all my other nephews and niece (at least on this side of the family) I told her I didn't really feel like doing anything. That I didn't know if I wanted anyone around or to be alone..I finally really cried..She thankfully called my other sister (who has lost a child as well) because she had somewhere to be and couldn't stay home with me. I'm grateful my older sister came to get me. It turns out, I do think I needed to be around people..especially 2 who understand baby death. I kept thinking today..I haven't done anything to honor her memory..I haven't even been to her grave. It's been like a year since I've been there. There isn't anything really to look at. At least where her grave is concerned. She is buried with my nephew in his plot so at least I have his headstone to look at. It's awkward going to a cemetary and even more awkward being there for your own child. I had an even harder time I think because Joe wasn't here with me. I dreamed last night that he came home early then I woke up and realized it was just me and claire (and collin) in the room. I hated the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I guess I have honored Ella in thinking of ways she has blessed me..understanding, being genuine, honest and compassionate I suppose. Before she passed away I don't think I could really be there for others in hard times..then again, maybe that comes with age. I'm not sure. anyway. I will see my husband in a few days and I am so excited about it! I'm more than ready for him to hold me again.

I spent the night..

In quincy last night with Jenny. It was so much fun. We went to walmart to get treats & went back to her place. We had Raspberry smoothies. They were yummers! We went to church the next day where I saw my middle school geography teacher. It was very nastalgic. The baby did very well in the nursery apparently. She pooped through her britches though! but after that things went pretty smoothly. Stopped to eat at pop's pizza..good stuff by the way :) went to at&t to fix a phone issue she was having...er try to. It turns out she has to get a new phone..sort of stinky. We went back to the apt. for awhile. Everyone else (including the cat & her babies) took a nap but me. Oh well..it was good to just enjoy the quiet. Went to starbucks and ate my low carb ice cream! I am disappointed since they do not have chocolate low carb ice cream in Warrensburg..oh well..it was good to take advantage of it while I am here..I gave the rest to nephews and niece. Being back has strangely brought me to a realization that I want a closer relationship with God. One more week till I see my husband again. I'm sad that I probably won't talk to him for a few days.

8 days left!

I am thrilled at the idea of seeing Joe again. I have been able to talk to him on and off for a few minutes every couple days. Yesterday we talked for an hour over skype so that was nice. It was hard to say goodbye though..always is. He sent me a message & told me he might not be able to talk to me till Thursday because they are going to a different city. Not tomorrow but the Sunday after that he will be back in the US at about 1am then he's going to Normal then hopefully to where I am..wherever that is. One of my sisters and her son had been sick with the flu so I've been at my older sister's. Its nice though to divide up the time so we get plenty of time with each 'family'. I'm ready to go back to 'regularly scheduled programming' though, you know that feeling where you just want your own bed back? Its that sort of feeling. I am spending the day with a friend (maybe tonight) and tomorrow and then with another friend on Monday so hopefully the time will pass quickly until I see my husband again. The other day Claire kept calling for "dada". It was so cute! I was a little sad though for her (and me) but I was glad that she misses him.

3 in the morning

and I can't sleep. my nose is semi stuffy, my throat hurts & I'm sort of working on a headache. It doesn't help that there is a st. bernard trapesing through the house. They are most definately not small animals.Of course I lay here & think of my time left without my husband.I've come to realize the place I called home for so long isn't home anymore. It's wherever Joe & Claire are. Ella's birthday is on the 19th. I'm totally disappointed I am not having an easier time here. I long for the day (about 10 of them) where Joe & Claire & me will be together again. I'm not sure how I will spend Ella's 2nd birthday. Everything I can think seems inadequate. I sure wish I had both my baby girls here. I realize some people aren't as fortunate to even have 1 here with them. I can't help but still feeling an empty spot. The doctors think my mom had her 2nd heart attack the last in the last few days. As I said, disappointed this time isn't easier...I am hoping that God will find a way to use me though & make it a blessing for me as well. Is that selfish? To want to be blessed by God when blessing someone else? Please say a prayer for me...

he's officially gone...

The airplane left chicago at noon. He's going to be on the plane for 14 hours! After that, he will have a 3 hour layover in south korea then another 3 hour flight to manilla I think then they will drive to Dag-u-pawn. He left yesterday to join the group at Pete's house. It really started to sink in that he was going the day we woke up and only had half the day together. I don't know when we will be able to talk again but thankfully there's skype and we can email each other back and forth. It's not like all connection is lost for the 2 weeks he is gone. Claire is taking to my side of the family well. At first she was sort of intimidated I think but now she is getting used to them. She especially likes her cousin Amber! I'm so happy she is happy and her cousin Collin that wanted "the baby to go home" the first time her met her when she was only 3 weeks old is now in love with her! He's even offered to share his racecar bed with her.

for the next couple weeks....

Claire and I will be in Illinois while Joe is in the Philippines. I am excited for him that he has this opprotunity. Its going to be a once in a lifetime opprotunity I'm afraid. I sort of half joked with him the other night that once he gets a good GPS job he should take his mom back to the Philippines for a visit, that it could be a mother/son thing.

We have never been apart from each other for more than a night in our whole marriage. For me that was hard enough I don't know how I will make it through 2 weeks. It's a good thing I will have ms. Claire. She is for sure going to be a part of 'home' I am going to be taking with me.

We will head to Moberly for a couple days and then to Illinois. Joe will be staying with me for a night and then going to meet with his group. I am looking forward to having time with my family for awhile. I am not however, looking forward to being home/husband sick. I understand it works both ways. I asked him if he's even thinking about the fact he will miss us. He told me that of course he will but he's trying not to dwell on it.

I still am struggling with a bit of anxiety. I think I will be starting counseling in the next month or so (conflicting schedules)

stomach bugs..

are gross! I had a 24 hour thing monday. I felt MISERABLE! I  would even venture to say it was worse than when I was pregnant with my children. With my 2nd child I was throwing up even into the 6th month. Wednesday Joe had it but not as bad so I was thankful for that.
Wednesday morning I went to Bible study at Northside. I had the sort of morning where I fought with myself if I should go or not. I was glad I did. We sort of talked about how to be a light to the world, what that looks like and checking our motives or shining Christ's light. I was convicted! So many times when I do the "Godly" thing and let someone go in front of me in a line for example I am saying to myself "well, I'm doing something good. I must be really spiritual. why can't others be like me?" I think my motives are not pure. I simply think "well, I'm sure God is proud of me now" and then a voice says "if He's there" I still struggle with the sin of unbelief. I now realize (and when I figured it out it really was a 'duh' moment) that the fruits of the spirit have to be cultivated..they don't just come to you...
which fruits do you need to work on?