I have..

A thirst for knowledge unlike I think I have ever had. It is in the interest of God in particular. I have been struggling with spiritual warfare for what seems like a year now (it probably literally is) I am starting College again in a couple months. I want to be a counselor. I find it sort of ironic because I feel like I need counseling. If I use the word "mentor" it might make me seem like I have more of a "place" to be a counselor.
I think this is going to be one of those blogs that don't really flow or maybe not even make any sense to anyone but me. Thats okay with me. I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head before going to bed so maybe..hopefully I can get some sort of peaceful rest tonight.
I have gone back to the basics..why do I believe what I believe? Books, sermons, videos, etc...anything to tell me why, I know these things logically. My head and my heart have not been in sync with each other for quite some time..well, if they are its only momentarily. I think I just want to know so bad that I just am too anxious to even read and article and pay attention, making it seem almost useless..does this make ANY sense at all?
Yesterday, I finally asked for prayer after church. There are always "prayer partners" in the back of the sanctuary after the sermon to pray with those who need it. I NEEDED it. It was super helpful to know this person had also struggled in this area..they seem so...together & wise..I guess in reality, not so much...
In a different subject, Claire is teething & we think reaching her 'terrible 2's" I know! I know! she's only 1 but she throws fits for no reason sometimes..the dr said its normal around this age..I guess thats the good news..Joe has a break from school this week..thankfully. I'm glad to have him around this week but it is always sort of a bummer when he has to get back to his 'regularly scheduled life'. Making me feel left in the dust..I know that isn't his intention at all.
I'm starting to not feel so anxious about 'wasting my life' and always having to have something to do and if I don't..I go nuts..the feeling is still there but not as bad I don't think..losing Ella has effected me in ways I never would have imagined and 'wasting my life' has become one of them..her death was so sudden.I want to leave a legacy...who doesn't right?!

He saves me from myself

Thats the lesson in this week James' study. It has been awesome and totally what I need right now. I have been feeling so lonely (like, I'm in this BIG world alone and God has either left me or is nonexistent)  The lessons are divided up into days. Day 1,2,3,4 and 5. Anyway, I just finished day 3. All I can really say is "WOW!" We talked about the devil and his schemes and how God is in control. I honestly don't do a very good job at looking up scripture when she says 'refer to this book and verse' but I have had a thirst as of late She mentioned 2 Timothy 2:26 "Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil's trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants." (NLT) Earlier in the study, it was mentioned how "he hopes we'll think God has suddenly turned on us and we'll grow stff-necked and hardhearted." So, totally where I have lately!!! I don't know if this post is flowing very well or even makes much sense but I wanted to share what I have been learning. In today's lesson, she includes reasons to submit to God. May I share them with you?


-God knows everything about you and every matter concerning you. Nothing is hidden from his sight. So submit to God


-He is always looking out for your ultimate good and takes your hurts personally. So submit to God. 


-He is holy and worthy and incapable of abusing His divine authority over you. So submit to God.


-He knows your motive was right but your mouth messed up. So submit to God.


-He hows exactly how to make terrible into good. So submit to God. (this one personally hit me. I lost my full term baby almost 3 years ago...BIG OUCH!)


-He loves you completely and unconditionally and will never let you go. So submit to God.


-He knows the well-deliberated plan for your life and how all things must fall into place for you to fulfill your destiny. So submit to God.


-He will never put to shame those who trust in Him. So submit to God.


I am grateful to Beth Moore and to God of course for bringing this study to me.

actually spending time alone...

seems sort of eery with the nobody in the apartment but its sort of nice all at once. Joe and Claire went to a baseball game. That gave mommy a few hours to herself. I haven't been alone for hours at a time in awhile. Now, I'm thinking about all the things I need to get done..clean, go over things for school. OH YEAH! I recently got accepted to Liberty University online. I am a psychology major. I will be studying Christian Counseling. I am looking forward to this! I hope to one day work in a church wherever we end up. Joe is applying for jobs a little here, there, and everywhere.

I've been sorta stressed getting things financially ready for Liberty. I don't know what half the forms are that they need but thankfully Joe does. I'm so thankful for him constantly and in new ways it seems...I am working on intentionally becoming his best friend. I know that probably sounds funny but a lot of our marriage (at least to me) hasn't included this feature and I'm trying desperately to change this and not grow complacent.

Confusion

Matthew 21:22 "If you believe in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."


so, I've been thinking lately a lot about faith...So I know that God answers some prayers with either Yes,no, or wait...But what about verses like these that tell us if we believe that a God will answer a prayer we want answered,then we have had enough faith..I hope that made sense. 
Now, I don't go for the health and wealth gospel. I think thats just tickling your ears really...
I think I'm just confused because God does say no to some prayers...but in this verse it makes it seem like anything you ask in His name, he will do it for you...I really hope this blog makes sense...
can anyone help?

settling for the mundane?

so last night at Bible study we discussed the 'cost of being a disciple' in Luke. The portion of Scripture we were discussing was talking about how you basically have to be willing to lay down everything to be a disciple of Christ. I think it was a hard lesson for us all to talk about. It was definately one of those lessons you want to close your ears to. I've been thinking about the lesson since we talked about it. To be willing to lay down everything in order to follow Christ is a REALLY hard thought but I don't think that if we couldn't do it, God wouldn't ask it. I think that he puts his spirit in those who are genuinely trying to follow Him so why is the thought of leaving all our earthly possessions (if He would ask us to) so hard?
Why is it so hard to put our relationship with Him in front of our spouses & children. We are to love our spouses and kids...I'm not denying that one bit. I am saying that we are to love God more because he first loved us and after all, he did give us our families. Knowing that should make it easier, but for me..its hard.
After my first baby died...of course it took awhile afterwards but eventually the words in the Bible weren't just words...that you'd read in a story book for instance they became REAL because this God who held the baby girl I held not that long before in my body had written this book for me! I want that feeling back so bad...Now, I just struggle with wondering if I am thinking wishfully that God is real...I am really trying to work on the word "commitment"
if any of you are married, you probably understand you probably aren't always 100% happy with your spouse all of the time but you made a commitment you must honor so you stay and work out your issues..i'm trying to do that..I need help and prayer..anyone out there in the cyber world understand what I'm saying?

I turned...

26 this past Tuesday! I am trying to have a better outlook about getting older but honestly, is a tad depressing...
anywho, I didn't do much out of the norm that day..the only 'abnormal' thing is Lacey came over to talk for a little while..well, I talked and she listened..it seems like whenever I get adult interacting I drink it in as fast as I can.Things are going pretty well around here..Claire is doing new things ALL the time and she just loves to flash her smile..after all, she did work hard for those teeth she has..lots of pain and keeping momma awake :)

It seems like I have don't have time to myself a lot..and when I do, I always try to hurry what I'm doing..be it, take a bath, do Bible study,etc to be with Claire again..I know, I just need to slow down. I need to let Joe spend some quality time with her..whenever I hear him getting annoyed because she's being ornery and just won't stop, I feel like I need to rush in and save the day..I know that I know, I need to let him do it..I just need some encouragement to do such a thing I guess..
it's 7:10 in the morning..I've been up since about 6:15 and I think Claire will sleep till about 8:30..giving me I hope a couple hours of "me time". I don't ever wake up early to have time for "me time" as maybe I should. I might feel a little less guilty about having no time for God and maybe not feel as burnt out..don't you love it when you have epihanies (sp) when your writing?!?!

super nice weather for January...

We're thinking of taking Claire to the park when she wakes up from her nap! I'm hoping she wakes up soon. I get cabin fever pretty easily. So, last Thursday, Joe quit his job at New China. Over Christmas break he was OFFERED another job! It's an early morning donut delivery job. He has to go to bed earlier...than he normally would anyway but he says he'd rather work in the morning than at night. I would have to agree, when he's gone in the morning Claire and I are sleeping most of that time so its sort of like he's not even gone..except when I roll over and realize he's not there (which, I think its always going to make me a little sad) Its a huge blessing to be able to spend our nights togther. "Saying" it out loud sounds so silly but Claire seems to really enjoy the times where she can just sit on the couch between mom and dad  while she eats her crackers.