so recently...

I was reading on (in)courage and they are doing a book club about a book having to do with fear.."what women fear" to be exact and since this is pretty much exactly what I have been dealing with as of late (fear) I figured it was probably a good idea to get involved. I am excited to learn from it and take some nuggets of wisdom from this study. Yesterday, Angie asked us to write about something we have been struggling with lately having to do with fear and link it up with (in)courage. Truth me told, I have no idea how to do that. If any of you know me very well, you'd know I've been dealing with anxiety for quite awhile..2 years really.  I either have this fear that my life will end abruptly or something horrible with happen to me and then I will die. Leaving Claire without a momma and Joe without his wife having to raise our daughter all on his own. It's pretty humbling to have a baby already gone from this world. I want to teach Claire how to get to her big sister as she gets older, I want to help keep her on that path that leads to Ella..and of course Jesus :) The whole reason she can even meet her big sister in the first place. In a wierd way, I wonder if Claire already sort of knows Ella. They shared the same womb! Sometimes she'll be in the bath and just staring outside the door like someone is standing there. She is completely silent most of the time...she just stares in one spot. I can't help but wonder if its her big sister watching her momma and little sister laugh and splash and play with bath toys..does that sound dumb? Of course we have pictures up of Ella that Claire looks at time and again...I wonder.....

attempting..

to not be so dang negative all the time. It's proving to be not as difficult as I thought it'd be. I have been questioning my faith (I'm sure you've read about it in the other posts I've written) But yesterday I talked with a classmate I attended CCCB with and she was asking me Why I hate believed there was a God in the first place? What drew me to those conclusion? So, whats the problem now? Pretty much..thats a condensed version of the conversation. I have been digging back into some books and even as lame as it may be watching some biblical documentary stuff..sort of..The Case for Christ and The Case for Faith are 2 of my favorites. I am reading the book "case for faith" its raising some pretty valid points and its really helping me :)

As for ms Claire, She's getting teeth!!! I think 3!!! She's more talkative than ever these days! She's so loving! She likes to give kisses and hugs. She's adorable.

fear...

So, I will admit (finally) to the few of those who read this, I've been living in fear! There have been times in the past 2 years that it has been better & sometimes worse with living in fear & anxiety.

The fear I've been carrying so long is of something horrible happening to me. Namely, death. I have this fear since our first baby died so suddenly so will I. Logical or not thats how I feel. I have been diabetic since who knows when so thats pretty scary! I wonder "will I go blind?" "have a leg amputated?"It's pretty much an ongoing battle..and I pretty much never win. I've really been struggling for quite awhile. It effects my attitude, my mood & even the way I treat Joe & Claire. I've been the kind of person to say "I don't believe "you" should let your mood effect the way "you" treat others but here I am doing it. I think of those who don't have husbands & consider I should be more careful with the way I treat him. After Ella died, I would ger so mad when I saw a parent mistreating their children.

I've been struggling a lot with faith too. I know either way, one has to have faith what we believe is true. When I seek & find..I want more..then a thought that makes me skeptical pops ito my head. I don't remember being wavering this much in my faith since after Ella died.

I've had all these weird pains. It's pretty scary. I still ask for prayer but personally, its hard for me to pray right now

I wanted more....

So, lately, I have been thinking of Ella..A LOT! Although, I don't think she never strays from my mind too far. I can't help but still feel SO guilty. I miss her! I wanted Claire to have a big sister that she could see, hear, and touch. I wanted Joe to have the experience of being happy that his first little girl was born alive and is exceedingly healthy.

When I think back over her pregnancy I don't remember much of it. I wanted more memories..I wanted more time...I don't want to be part of this group of people...people who know whats its like to lose a child...know what its like to watch your child decay and be put in a casket. The natural order would be for her to bury me and eventually her children bury her and the cycle continues (at least until God decides its okay for Jesus to come back) I'm not saying losing a parent or a grandparent doesn't hurt. I'm sure it does. I've still got both my parents here and have only been through the experience of losing 1 grandfather...my other grandfather and mother passed a long time ago. I had yet to be born when my grandma died and I was very young when her husband died.

I remember a specific time in my pregnancy thinking.."if you take her God. I don't care. She's yours, not mine" Now I look back and think "I DON'T CARE!!!! WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!!?????" I care more than I ever could have thought at that specific time..other times...more than once I remember in the later part of the pregnancy when I would sit in the bathtub, hold my belly and just cry. I would think "What if God DOES take her?"And he did...at one of the last moments I thought possible, he did. The day before I went the hospital (or maybe the morning of) I remember looking at her carseat and diaper bag thinking "we get a baby home soon. thats so cool! or will we?" Maybe it was mother's intuition, the holy spirit or a bit of both telling me something was wrong..the night before I remember going to the sowers' house to watch "faith like potatoes" I didn't feel one movement. I wish I would have cherished that time harder...little did I know, my baby was already 'sleeping'

new read..

a few weeks ago I picked up the book "choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman. And WOW! Brief over view if you haven't heard of the book..Their 5 year old daughter was accidently ran over.
The book has helped me work through a little of my grief over the loss of our first daughter. One of the 5 year old's sisters saw her die..Maria started running toward the car..the person driving the car didn't see her. The sister that saw her die dealt with feelings of guilt. She felt like she could have stopped her sister from dying. I have felt a sense of responsibility over Ella's death. I should have KNOWN my body would fail her. Anyway, in the book the little girl started to see a christian counselor. The counselor told her to pick a figure off her shelf representing her guilt. She chose a lion I think..then she told the girl to choose a figure that represented Christ..I think she chose a crown. They 'buried' the guilt and put the crown on top of it. I would assume the little girl still 'buries' her guilt. I have dealt with it over and over...like a record. I'm not sure any of this is making any sense to anyone but me and if its not I'm sorry.
 If anyone has lost a loved one, I would recommend the book and even if you haven't I think its a very insightful book into the world of grief you may not understand.
I'm grateful if you haven't had to deal with losing someone close. Those of us who have need ongoing support and love. Even two years later I have hard times,days, week, etc. The cliche that holidays are hard is SO true. Its wierd to not have our family complete. Even when we got our family pictures taken it was wierd to not have Ella. I wore a necklace around my neck that day that the hospital gave to me in her memory box. The little pendant says 'always in my heart'
Claire will be 1 on November 16th. I've recently been thinking about how I never got to celebrate Ella's birthday with her the way I will celebrate Claire's and Claire is my 2nd daughter. I should have had experienced something like this already!!
I want to do something to honor Ella's memory..such as like 'hugs from Ella'..like teddy bears for bereaved parents to stillborns. The thing is, nothing seems good enough. Any suggestions?