new beginnings

I struggle so much with changing myself. I think "I would like to start exercising to make myself feel better but I just don't have the time."totally untrue! I have heard it said that a person will make time for whats important to them. I totally agree! I don't like to admit it but I do agree. Nobody likes to think of themselves as  'mess up.' Unfortunately I get caught up in 'mess up' mode. I make so many excuses! I want to change the way I live but I just struggle with summoning the courage to change and to think I will actually stick to it..here's what I would like to change in my life and maybe one (or more) of you will have some advice..I need all I can get:

-Eat healthier. you are what you eat. you eat crap and you feel like crap. Not to mention it is vital in order to maintain my 'diabetes life'. its very hard for me when" everyone else is doing it"-aka eating whatever strikes their fancy. its so hard not to be resentful. I know just because "everyone else is doing it" is a lame excuse. someone once told me i need to accept who I am..still working on it. I think that in order to honor God with my body I need to watch what I put into it.

-I'd like to be a better mommy. I do want whats best for my baby. I do! In having a conversation with a friend, I discovered I think I am still dealing with some post pardom depression. I feel so lonesome throughout the day. I don't have as many friendships here as I did at cccb. Most of the ones I have gained already have close friends so I feel a littlle a lot out of the 'loop'. It's not as easy to get out my apt. here since I have my baby. I look forward to the day I no longer feel inadequate to be Claire's momma.

-Be a better wife. I feel like I'm constantly nagging. I've come to realize (finally) I will never  be 100% satisfied with him. I felt as if I should for a long time.

- Better Christ follower. I could be doing as something as simple as praying for my building. Prayer is so powerful. I don't know why I don't use it!! so cliche but so true.

my reason for thinking of a new beginning:

a day in the life of me

I get up, I nurse, and I can't seem to get off the couch. I try to put her in her rocking chair. That works for awhile if she's in a good mood. I play with her (when she's in a good mood). I clean when I get a free moment.  I feel inadequate as a mom. I know there is probably more I should be doing as her mom. I love her very much. I am not complaining. I guess I'm just saying I feel like I'm ill equipped.Then again I'm a fan of being a mommy. I don't know that this makes any sense to anyone reading this. I just want the best for her. 

My blood sugar has been high, the anticipation of reading the number on the meter scares me. I wonder how long I will be here. I know that stress and worry only makes the blood sugars worse so I try to do what I can and then let whatever happens, happen. 

I feel like I'm failing at a relationship with God. I do go to a weekly bible study which is awesome!  There is a workbook that goes with it. its a daily thing. I feel like I'm always in a hurry to do it, I don't take the time to actually soak it in..well, not as much as I want to. 

its going to be alright..i know it is!

it could turn into..

a little of everything! Who knows!! Little one woke up at 2 and 5 this morning. When she fell asleep after she ate at 5 she smiled and laughed in her sleep! It was adorable and surprising. Its one of those things she does that makes the hard times a little easier to get through. She's not been sleeping on her own..still! just now she fell asleep in her rocking chair thing. I've been trying to get her to take a nap on her own for awhile this morning.
I don't feel as overwhelmed about being a momma anymore. It's easier to look at it more as a privilege. I am still adjusting to this new little person being in my life. When I was pregnant it wasn't as hard as it is now to face that my life would change. I was still my 'own' person even though she was inside me and everything I did effected her too. I just didn't have to wake up to feed her 2 or 3 times during the night, change diapers, etc.
the fact that I am diabetic has been on my mind more and more. Will it kill me? When? Will I lose my legs? go blind? I don't want to go blind or lose my sight, I want to be here to see my baby grow up. I don't know why it's so hard for me to take care of myself at times. Granted, it is winter time and that makes it super hard to want to go out and exercise but I should be doing something that resembles exercising everyday. I have no idea how to use the sling I have to carry Claire around with me when I want to get chores done so the majority of the time I am holding her....it's impossible to do dishes with a 3 month old in my arms. I control what I eat..mostly. I still have times where its easier and more fun to eat that brownie like everyone else instead of grabbing carrots or something. Its supposed to make more of a difference when I know food can kill me. brownies and crappy food has its toll on even a 'normal' person too I suppose. It would help oogles if I lost weight too..when will I learn my family and being here to give God the glory is more important than food

radical...

I was reading an article today on relevant magazine's webpage. It talks about how Jesus wants us to reach out to all the world no matter the cost. I do think as American Christians we have it easier than we ought. He was saying that when we worship the God who wants us to live comfortable, non risky American lives, we are worshipping ourselves. You may want to check it out for yourself to get the exact words he used. I do agree that we have things in excess and I am not one to not take advantage of that excess. Its a shame to say...just look at my weight and one can see that I like food..a little too much. With my having diabetes and her paternal grandfather having it, the chances of Claire having it are pretty high. When she gets old enough I really want to teach her good eating/exercise habits to keep her from getting this disease. The things it can do to a person seems completely unfair.

She is sleeping on her own in the playpen! yay!