So, in the past year...

I've had a baby. She's 6 months old. My dad did pass away last June. I miss him way more than I thought I would after he did die. From what I was told from my sister, he did everything the dr told him not to do..like smoke or go outside. Thankfully I was able to fly home for his funeral. My younger sister, one of my older brothers and myself chose our dads headstone. There was lots of drama going on with that! A few months after that (5 to be exact) my mom would unexpectedly pass away of a heart attack. I couldn't fly home this time because my baby was due three weeks from then so I never did 'get to say goodbye'. The past year has seemed like a whirlwind!

Let's try this again

Claire's 3!!!!

Odd that this was once our little munchkin

She's learning new things all the time. She'll randomly see a truck for example and say "its red!" its awesome to watch her learn

Joe is still at TechMaster. He enjoys his job and does great at it! 

I'm still at CEC. Not THEE greatest job in the world. Some of the management makes me wonder how they got there..but oh well right? I leave there with a headache a lot but what partially makes it worth it is some of the kids are so sweet. The other day, I was dressed up as Chuck E and this little boy came up to me and said "you know what Chuck E, you're the cutest mouse i've ever seen." its the kids like that, that give me a hope for the next generation. The kids that come in and like to pick on the person in the Chuck costume (particularly if the person in the costume is short) they say "Your not real are you? Chuck isn't real. I just want tickets!" those are the kids that scare me in regards to the future America

I've been thinking a lot lately about how social media just SUCKS! I mean its a time killer. For real, you might be hard pressed to find someone without a phone, tablet or computer in their hands these days. And as soon as it dings, oh man, whoever is in the way of you answering it better watch out! 

I feel bad for my girl, I really do, she's going to grow up thinking that's normal. I'm not saying I'm not just as guilty. It just kills knowing that too. The only thing I can think of about why its so addicting, I don't wanna feel like I'm missing out. I'm here in SOCAL, I have very few friends and the friends I do have we either see each other at work or church events. It just sucks! I miss having coffee with a close friend of mine in the midwest and just talking for hours about everything. 

Before, when I was a stay at home mom, I just wanted to get a job to get out of my house and see what the rest of the world is up to, now that I have said job, I miss my family. I work typically during the weekends and Joe is off during the weekends. When he's at work during the week, its like 7am-5 or 6pm.. by the time he gets home, he's bone tired and we just don't get a lot of time together. I don't blend in with his family 100%. I feel inferior A LOT!!! Moving out here was no easy adjustment and lets just say, they didn't exactly make the transition easier. 

I miss my family. On Super Bowl Sunday, Joe's grandma fell and broke her hip. A few days before that, my sister got ahold of me to tell me our dad's heart rate is 25% and he's having a rough time breathing. I can't get back to the midwest because of the weather. UGH!

A couple weeks ago, my nephew was born. I've never NOT been there for a birth (with the exeption of 1, his dad was stationed in GA at the time of his birth) I miss the snow. I don't miss the ice and being shut in doors for days. (or the fact that I can't get back there right now)

 I miss familiarity.

life updates

I started working at Chuck E Cheese's about a month ago. Its proven to be a lot more challanging than I thought CEC could ever be. But, Its been good to finally get out and make some sort of friends. I get along with (mostly) everyone there which is good. A lot of the people are younger than me but thats alright..Just more of a reason to be an example.

Joe's still at TechMaster. He's recently gotten reading glasses which is kinda funny. He's enjoying being in the same state as his family. Since we only live a couple blocks from each other, we get more than our fair share of each other.

Claire's going to turn 3 in about 3 weeks. We're having her birthday party at Chuck E Cheese. I know she's going to have a great time. She can sit on a ride and even if its not moving she will have a great time :)

I've been meeting with a couple of Mormon girls lately. I see it as a witness tool. I met with a Jehovah's Witness in Warrensburg. Even though ideas of other religions and people seem wacky, I have gained some good friends from it.

It's been awhile...

Since I posted and I figured *those of you who might actually read this* might be kind of curious as to how our new lives are going.

Well, I am still a stay at home mom because I just can't seem to catch a break on the job front. Joe still works 5 days a week & most of the time, hasn't been getting home till late in the evening.

I've almost got my apartment put together. We still need to put up Claire's bed and our bed as well. Sharing a bedroom between all 3 of us is not easy. Claire wakes up through the night several times and ends up in our bed the majority of the time. One morning, we woke up and she was right in between us. We have no recollection of how she got there.

Yesterday, We went to church for the first time as a family in a few months. It was really nice. The church is predominately foreign people but it is a good reminder to be that we are foriegners on this earth. I know thats a Scripture reference but I just can't remember where. So funny but embarrassing story...I wore a dress to church (for the first time in a long time), every time I would bend, my bra would hang out!! I didn't know the dress was down so low in the back! After the main service was over,  my mother in law caught me in the bathroom and told me about the peepshow I was giving everyone.Thankfully, she fixed it for me.

The guys at the church were doing free oil changes. So we got our oil changed for free!!! We also got our break lights fixed and the hatch on the back of our SUV fixed. When you wanted to put something in the back, you had to get it in through the back seat..well, no more of that! We still plan to sell it because it just takes up too much gas, especially since we are a 1 income family for now.

Joe is doing excellent at his new job at TechMaster. He's been told he's been the fastest new learner. He's possibly up for a position to go to Antartica with TechMaster actually. He will be gone for 3 months...I don't know how to feel about this. While I am very proud of him for his accomplishments, I don't want to be apart again for that long!

Trusting God has a plan for me here has been hard in the midst of my homesickness for the mid-west but after talking with Joe about it I feel better, I'm supernaturally having an easier time trusting God that he has a plan for us here. I can't find a job so thats frustrating and makes my trust wane a bit but I'm still overall having a good feeling about this move.

The Missouri part of our book has closed

Claire and I arrived last Saturday. She did great on the plane for the most part. She didn't know what to think of the assention part. Her reaction was to pull against the plane trying to pull her up. She didn't eat the candy or gum she had in her hand, she just sat there still. Once we got past the clouds she would stand in my lap and say "I'm flying!" it was too cute. We had a couple unexpected blessings along the way too!I was worried about how I would carry all our bags by myself, it turns out the check in was almost literally where Claire and I were dropped off. I was a dollar short of getting Claire and I a snack before we took off, the cashier let me go ahead and keep her cookie!
 The last few days have consisted to trying to find my way around, lots of walking and looking for places to work. I know God must have a plan for us here. Even if I have no idea what it is yet. I'm hoping I will find a job I enjoy and don't really consider "work".
I am a little homesick for the midwest but the change is nice and its home to my husband so I'm thinking we will both be happier here. If he's happy and Claire's happy..so is momma.

its happening...

Claire and I are finally flying to San Diego next week. We've been apart from my husband for roughly nine weeks. There have been times when Claire has said 'i wanna walk. i need daddy.' or "call daddy." its been rough.
We had been in Illinois for about a month in a half. Now we are in Moberly just hanging out till we leave next Saturday. It's been quite and adventure. Its been bittersweet spending time with people I know I won't see for awhile. Probably a year ish actually. Its been hard because he isn't here with me.Obviously, he would be normally.
I'm excited to start a new life in a new place. I'm excited about the confidence I will gain from doing things I would normally have thought that I can't. I'm also apprehensive because I am going to uncharted territory. I've been there a couple years ago. However, it was a vacation that only lasted a week.

the door closed...

The door on the Navy was closed fairly soon after Joe went to bootcamp so we will be opening another one!
We will be moving to California. Joe started a new job this past Monday at a place called techmaster. He will be calibrating equipment. He will be staying with his parents until he can save some $ to get an apartment for our littel family. There's just not enough room for us all to stay at his parents' place.
As soon as we get there, I will be looking for a job. I am nervous because I haven't worked outside the home since I was pregnant with our first daughter 4 years ago. I am really hoping to get a job at a coffeeshop..or a daycare sounds like I would like it too. We'll see what happens I suppose.

Claire is doing wonderfully. she's a little stinker thats for sure! She likes to ' push my buttons' to see how long it will take before she gets in trouble so thats been a little trying on my patience and my heart because a lot of the time I just want to let it slide but I know thats not doing either one of us any favors.

Being a single parent for a few weeks is rough! I have to pack everything up all by myself too and keep a 2 year old under wraps at the same time..sounds tiring really

it has begun

Joe left for bootcamp the other day. His recruiter called him on Tuesday morning at 10am and said 'hey, I'm in the parking lot. its time to go.' Joe was supposed to meet his recruiter at 11:30..he wasn't ready to go. I wasn't ready for him to go. I don't think I would have ever been ready though.

He went there with a cold too..ugh!

Last night, Claire was running around chasing the cat. He ran into a wire and got his foot caught in it. She was trying to help him, he kept biting her. At the same time, supper was cooking. It was really a trying time to for me.

He called me late last night and said he got there and that I will hear from him in a few weeks. I'm so excited!!!

I might be going to see family in a few weeks. All depends on the financial situation. I have to save up a few hundred to go see Joe graduate. I'm nervous about that because I might have to fly with Claire all by my lonesome. Crap!

When he gradutes in June he will go to Fl for A school. Then we will most likely be stationed somewhere.

This whole experience is overwhelming/nerve wracking/ excited/ and happy/sad thus far!

new beginnings

Joe leaves for Navy boot camp next Wednesday! I am nervous and anxious and excited all rolled into one. I am excited to start this new journey of our lives but scared to be alone. I hate that Joe will have to even go to boot camp. Makes total sense though. A person cannot just "know" the things they want you to learn unfortunately.

I will have my family to help me take care of Claire this summer. I'm hoping we won't get on each other's nerves too awful bad ;)

Claire has become more attached to daddy. We think she knows whats going on. Recently, he dropped us off somewhere and she bawled and screamed when he left. The girl knows whats up and its heartbreaking to this momma

We went to Moberly this weekend to visit before our lives officially change forever. We went to the dog park with our friends' dog. Claire really liked every minute of it! We got a chance to visit the church we attended and see some people we won't see for awhile.

I recently read on facebook about someone's husband being honorably discharged from the military because of setbacks and that really makes me nervous. It helps a little to know Joe will have a higher ranking as soon as he goes to bootcamp and if he passes his test in Sept, will go up another ranking.

the hurt and the healer collide

I have been doing an awful lot of thinking about my firstborn as of late. How she would have been 4 years old this coming July. Her daddy will miss being with me on her birthday. He was gone for her second birthday as well. My heart longs to go back in time to when she first arrived. To hold her a little tighter and kiss her a little more and to stroke her straight black hair like her daddy's. I still wonder to this day I was being prompted that something was going to take place..something bad. There were times when I thought "no, not me. nothing bad will happen to my baby." I don't know why any momma who had been told time and time again that her child is healthy would think something like that. I still beat myself up for handing her to the nurse so willingly. In a way, I'm thankful it didn't hurt any more than it did at the time. I had the ignorance to think, as soon as I get out of this hospital and past the funeral, I can just 'get passed this'. I thought it would be like it never happened. But oh I'm glad for the lessons that girl taught me. She made her dad and I stronger, and gave me compassion and empathy that I don't think I would have gotten otherwise. Her little sister is here! I don't think she would be if I had my Ella. I'm not saying I'm glad she died, I'm certainly not, I still hurt and long to see her sweet face. At the same time, I cannot imagine a life without Claire. I know one day it will all be made right again. Then, I have my doubts and think 'really, what can make a momma losing her baby okay?' It's hard to imagine anything taking the pain away. She keeps me holding onto faith though! If I did not have a part of me in Heaven waiting for me, I can't say I'd want to hold on to the faith this tightly. Sometimes a momma will do anything to see her child again. Does it make me a bad person that every once in awhile seeing my baby again makes Heaven seem more appealing? God, forgive me if it does!

Its been impressed upon my heart in the last few weeks...that I complain! A LOT!  I can't be happy either way. I guess its human nature, however, that is NOT an excuse. The Bible tells us to do everything without complaining and in another section, tells us to work as if we are working for the Lord (because ulimately we are HIS servants) and not man.

I think I must have a HUGE issue with believing the Word of God is true. Ultimately, its a pride issue. "They say" money is the root of all evil. I'd venture to say that pride is. Think about it..okay, if money is the root of all evil, you get that money from being prideful thinking, "I earned this. I should be able to spend it the way I want to."

We SAY we have a heart for the poor and those who don't have as much as we do, but do we really if we'd rather keep our possessions to ourselves? I'm preaching to the choir here. As you all know, it is tax season, and we will  a refund coming..we want to pay off debts and splurge a little and save the rest. I say, why not send that splurging money to starving kids or pregnancy centers begging young women not to murder their innocent offspring. Putting feet to your faith is super hard in today's world when we are told those who trust in God are weak and stupid..on the contrary, it takes a lot more faith to believe this world is it for us than to trust the true God.

change

Change is rough! Super rough! I've been trying to make some in my life. Although, I admit, i've not been as serious about it as I want to be. For starters, I want to lose weight. You see, I've been overweight since I was a kid. probably about age 10 is when things went south weight wise for me. So, its become a way of life of sorts. I hate it. I hate looking at my body..its gross. During my pregnancy with Ella, I was given the official word..diabetes. When she was born, they waited a couple months and tested me again..sure enough Type 2. One would think being told that information would be enough to put me on the bandwagon to exercise and good health..nope! The first couple months after Ella died I ate whatever I wanted...I wanted to die..to be with my daughter. Then I got counseling. I was wisely told, to take walks. I did. 3 times a day to clear my head. I noticed the inches coming off but don't think I cared that much..my daughter was still gone from me.

Now, I try to watch my diet. I don't always do well. at all! Its very hard for me to accept I am different. Yes, I'm only 26 but this is the card i've been dealt so I must play it. rough..

I want to practice more Godly attributes, namely the fruits of the spirit in Galatians 5-peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control


Joe is still working 2 jobs and is busy as ever!  He will leave for the military soon. I am NOT looking forward to the time we will be away from each other. Claire is doing wonderfully. We've even started to help her fall asleep in her crib instead of my arms..its a slow process but gives me a chance to work on being gentle and patient! I start classes again monday! I hope they go well. My gpa turned out to be A LOT better than I expected

until next time, thats my life in a nutshell

living with the 'mundane'

I'd venture to say I've been in a rut for quite awhile actually. You may have read about me talking about this rut, I don't remember if I've told you about it or not yet. I knew that before I had children, I would want to be at home with them. Now that I have a child here with me, I am doing what I always thought I'd do-staying home with her. I love her. However, its the same thing day in and day out..as "they" say "the same crap just a different day". I have to remind myself before I had Claire, I wanted this SOO bad and now that I have it, the grass seems greenier on the other side (ie having a job, going places during the day)

Why is it human nature to be this way? Am I the only one to feel this way?

 Since Joe's in the Navy now, I'm sure we will be living in lots of different places around the nation (navy gets mostly coast places.) I talked with an airforce wife today. She told me military does have a lot of stuff to offer for families. Its important to maintain structure for our children. Even though we might be moving around a lot and dad might not be home, I want them to feel some sort of normalcy. If there is someone who is part of a military family who has advice, please give me your imput. 

she turned 2..thats something new

Claire turned 2 years old on Nov. 16th. At first it was a little heartbreaking at the thought of her getting older. Now, since I've had a few days to get used to the idea, I'm really looking forward to getting to watch her grow up. Hopefully the next milestone we make is potty training. Her grandma (my mom) got her some 'big girl underoos' for her birthday and we had already had the potty so now its up to me to start! I say its up to me because it pretty much is, Joe works 2 jobs and honestly has no clue to how potty train a kid, let alone a girl. Truth me told, neither do I. I am going off what other moms have done and what I think would work. She knows when she goes 'poo poo' in her diaper-which could be anything. Sometimes its poo..I think she gets confused. Its cute though. She's started to let me know when she's hungry now. She's started to say "hungy" and "eat"

I am still doing online classes with Liberty and I really like it. I wish I had the drive to do better however. I am still staying home with ms. Claire during the day

Joe has his jobs and should be back today from KC. He went to take his physical and test to enter into the Navy. Scary yet oh so exciting at the thought of it. He told me last night he did well on the test. He did the physical part today and I have yet to hear about that

being a part of that group

I am in the babyloss club. I consider it both fortunate and unfortunate. I remember before Ella even came about to be used by God and I didn't care how He did it. Boy, if I knew then what I know now..but anyway, another mom joined the ranks recently. She was 8 months along. So, naturally (to me anyway) I gave permission to send my email & phone number if she would ever need someone to talk to who "knows". Today is International Babyloss Day. All the babies who died before or shortly after they were born are being especially remembered today. At 7pm (whatever time zone I believe) we are to light a candle in rememberance of our little ones. I probably won't get a chance to do this..well, on time anyway. I watched "October Baby" last night. Great movie. I sobbed. I miss my little girl everyday. Wondering what she would be like now (age 3) is almost too much to bear sometimes. I get this horrible empty pit in my heart! I hate it...I try to think about her praising God in Heaven. Then, I wonder if its all a fairy tale (that there is even a Heaven). I know there is. God is tenderly and patiently working on my faith and trust in Him.

Can I get a witness?

The last 3 weeks, a Jehovah's Witness has been coming to visit me. I'm convinced she's trying to convert me! Well, what else is there purpose..that was a duh statement. I knew our beliefs were different but woo wee! She doesn't believe in the Holy Spirit, doesn't believe that God and Jesus are one, amongst some other things. Now, she asks me my opinion A LOT and I feel so ignorant. I know what I know is true but man, this guys really know there stuff! It seems she is so close to the truth I know but just isn't quite there. If you are curious about how their beliefs differ from Christians check out http://www.jw.org/en. Its some pretty intense stuff I think. I feel like a Moses. I just mean, I feel like "God, what are you doing through me? I'm ill equipped. Why did you send Teresa to my door?" If anyone of you is an expert at debate, I need some tips!!! I'm not good with my words..at least not with her. I don't want to 'cram it down her throat' but I don't want to just let her talk without putting words in of my own.
Can anyone relate?

the comparison game

I play this game..a lot! I compare myself to other mothers, and wives specificially. Nobody told me the work of a SAHM (stay at home mom) isn't roses and peaches all the time. I love LOVE my daughter but its not always easy being at home day in and day out. I know it isn't healthy to compare myself to others..I don't know why I do it. Other than "sin is fun" I have no answer for you.

I've began there are other ways we are called to be stewards other than with our money. I stink at being a good steward of my time! Neither my husband or little girl starve, go without clothes or anything like that. I guess typing all this out has led me to remember..there I go again, comparing myself. I don't know how to break this nasty habit. I realize what God has called me to do looks different than what He's called you to do. I still think "God, what else should I be doing besides being a mommy?"I've come up empty.  I don't want to be a Jonah, running the FARTHEST away from my calling that I can get. Now, I don't know if this is what I wanna "hear"  (stay at home with Claire and nothing else) or i'm just not  listening to Him very clearly. Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing His voice with my own. WOW! THAT sounded egotistical didn't it? I totally didn't mean it that way. I probably should have said I have a hard time knowing when God is speaking to me. I've came up with a couple ideas..such as call/meet with the local hospital, tell them what i've been through with Ella. If anyone going through losing a child needs someone, giving them my contact info and just being there for mothers especially. I've thought of going door to door just chatting it up with people or just taking walks and hoping to find a "God moment." I am pursuing a counseling degree to try to help people on a professional level but I want it and I want it NOW!
patience Ashley patience!

I've started a book study with a group of lovely girls over the book "7". The author is talking about getting rid of excess in our lives..I think I'm gonna enjoy this..in the end. Right now, the truth is hard to hear..even though I need to but I'm excited.

please read, I need opinoins

I know its been a long time since I've written anything. I have started school in the past couple weeks and its been hard to know how to balance life, such as Claire and Joe. And school and cleaning and so on...
anyway, so, I read something online the other day and wanted some opinoins because quite honestly, I don't know what to think. I was reading about the importance and purpose of marriage. Someone wrote a comment that made me think. This person was saying that since marraige is so highly thought of from God we ought to take care of it! Yes, true. I agreed with that. This person said that we ought to take care of our marriages before we'd say..working on patience or gentleness. Does that make sense? However, I think that in a marraige, you will work on patience and gentleness. If you've been married for more than 24 hours you know marriage is full of compromise and that requires patience. I am working on being gentle with my answers and statements. Particuarly if I am annoyed or angry..Or, even if he is angry. If momma isn't happy, ain't nobody happy! but if momma's happy, and everyone else is in a pooey mood, then it seems to help if I respond gently.
I hope all this makes some sort of sense.

we've moved

The last 2 weeks seem somewhat of a whirlwind. Getting ready to move was a long task..with a 1 year old, it seems anything takes twice as long as it used it. She loved trying to 'help' me pack. The week before we moved, we went to Illinois to see family. It was Ella's birthday. We stopped in Moberly on the way back home. and then the saturday after we got back we moved across town. I knew it was going to be a long, tedious process but GOLLY GEE!!! We still don't have Claire's crib put up yet. Joe got a second job. He works about a half hour away now too. So, he's gone a lot. So, by the time he gets home, he's tired and just wants to relax and I..well, I try to either relax our do housekeeping stuff when Claire's asleep for her nap..speaking of which, I shouldn't be on here long because she's been asleep for the last hour and I STILL have laundry to put away. Then, I get to take another load downstairs (probably tomorrow) and do it..and then put that away..as well as put Claire's crib up. Well, so much for her staying asleep, she just woke up. So I must go!

update on life

I've not blogged in a long time. Today we did a little apartment hunting. We didn't decide on anything for sure but at least we have some ideas! Joe and Claire are taking their naps. Momma ate lunch and cleaned a bit. I'm not gonna lie, I have been coming up with some ideas on how to decorate my next apartment, even though I have no idea what it might look like..wierd huh?

Claire is doing wonderful! She's as ornery as ever but we love her. She is a helpful little girl, which makes me totally happy.

I am grateful to visit with a particular friend at least once a week. It's making me see things in myself that need to change. Our friendship has given me the courage to actually change the things I need to. Its  probably not 'normal' to have a close friendship with someone almost 30 years older than you almost, but I appreciate the wisdom she has. I've been praying for wisdom and I suppose this is His way of answering me :0)