the hurt and the healer collide

I have been doing an awful lot of thinking about my firstborn as of late. How she would have been 4 years old this coming July. Her daddy will miss being with me on her birthday. He was gone for her second birthday as well. My heart longs to go back in time to when she first arrived. To hold her a little tighter and kiss her a little more and to stroke her straight black hair like her daddy's. I still wonder to this day I was being prompted that something was going to take place..something bad. There were times when I thought "no, not me. nothing bad will happen to my baby." I don't know why any momma who had been told time and time again that her child is healthy would think something like that. I still beat myself up for handing her to the nurse so willingly. In a way, I'm thankful it didn't hurt any more than it did at the time. I had the ignorance to think, as soon as I get out of this hospital and past the funeral, I can just 'get passed this'. I thought it would be like it never happened. But oh I'm glad for the lessons that girl taught me. She made her dad and I stronger, and gave me compassion and empathy that I don't think I would have gotten otherwise. Her little sister is here! I don't think she would be if I had my Ella. I'm not saying I'm glad she died, I'm certainly not, I still hurt and long to see her sweet face. At the same time, I cannot imagine a life without Claire. I know one day it will all be made right again. Then, I have my doubts and think 'really, what can make a momma losing her baby okay?' It's hard to imagine anything taking the pain away. She keeps me holding onto faith though! If I did not have a part of me in Heaven waiting for me, I can't say I'd want to hold on to the faith this tightly. Sometimes a momma will do anything to see her child again. Does it make me a bad person that every once in awhile seeing my baby again makes Heaven seem more appealing? God, forgive me if it does!