being a part of that group

I am in the babyloss club. I consider it both fortunate and unfortunate. I remember before Ella even came about to be used by God and I didn't care how He did it. Boy, if I knew then what I know now..but anyway, another mom joined the ranks recently. She was 8 months along. So, naturally (to me anyway) I gave permission to send my email & phone number if she would ever need someone to talk to who "knows". Today is International Babyloss Day. All the babies who died before or shortly after they were born are being especially remembered today. At 7pm (whatever time zone I believe) we are to light a candle in rememberance of our little ones. I probably won't get a chance to do this..well, on time anyway. I watched "October Baby" last night. Great movie. I sobbed. I miss my little girl everyday. Wondering what she would be like now (age 3) is almost too much to bear sometimes. I get this horrible empty pit in my heart! I hate it...I try to think about her praising God in Heaven. Then, I wonder if its all a fairy tale (that there is even a Heaven). I know there is. God is tenderly and patiently working on my faith and trust in Him.