the hurt and the healer collide

I have been doing an awful lot of thinking about my firstborn as of late. How she would have been 4 years old this coming July. Her daddy will miss being with me on her birthday. He was gone for her second birthday as well. My heart longs to go back in time to when she first arrived. To hold her a little tighter and kiss her a little more and to stroke her straight black hair like her daddy's. I still wonder to this day I was being prompted that something was going to take place..something bad. There were times when I thought "no, not me. nothing bad will happen to my baby." I don't know why any momma who had been told time and time again that her child is healthy would think something like that. I still beat myself up for handing her to the nurse so willingly. In a way, I'm thankful it didn't hurt any more than it did at the time. I had the ignorance to think, as soon as I get out of this hospital and past the funeral, I can just 'get passed this'. I thought it would be like it never happened. But oh I'm glad for the lessons that girl taught me. She made her dad and I stronger, and gave me compassion and empathy that I don't think I would have gotten otherwise. Her little sister is here! I don't think she would be if I had my Ella. I'm not saying I'm glad she died, I'm certainly not, I still hurt and long to see her sweet face. At the same time, I cannot imagine a life without Claire. I know one day it will all be made right again. Then, I have my doubts and think 'really, what can make a momma losing her baby okay?' It's hard to imagine anything taking the pain away. She keeps me holding onto faith though! If I did not have a part of me in Heaven waiting for me, I can't say I'd want to hold on to the faith this tightly. Sometimes a momma will do anything to see her child again. Does it make me a bad person that every once in awhile seeing my baby again makes Heaven seem more appealing? God, forgive me if it does!

Its been impressed upon my heart in the last few weeks...that I complain! A LOT!  I can't be happy either way. I guess its human nature, however, that is NOT an excuse. The Bible tells us to do everything without complaining and in another section, tells us to work as if we are working for the Lord (because ulimately we are HIS servants) and not man.

I think I must have a HUGE issue with believing the Word of God is true. Ultimately, its a pride issue. "They say" money is the root of all evil. I'd venture to say that pride is. Think about it..okay, if money is the root of all evil, you get that money from being prideful thinking, "I earned this. I should be able to spend it the way I want to."

We SAY we have a heart for the poor and those who don't have as much as we do, but do we really if we'd rather keep our possessions to ourselves? I'm preaching to the choir here. As you all know, it is tax season, and we will  a refund coming..we want to pay off debts and splurge a little and save the rest. I say, why not send that splurging money to starving kids or pregnancy centers begging young women not to murder their innocent offspring. Putting feet to your faith is super hard in today's world when we are told those who trust in God are weak and stupid..on the contrary, it takes a lot more faith to believe this world is it for us than to trust the true God.

change

Change is rough! Super rough! I've been trying to make some in my life. Although, I admit, i've not been as serious about it as I want to be. For starters, I want to lose weight. You see, I've been overweight since I was a kid. probably about age 10 is when things went south weight wise for me. So, its become a way of life of sorts. I hate it. I hate looking at my body..its gross. During my pregnancy with Ella, I was given the official word..diabetes. When she was born, they waited a couple months and tested me again..sure enough Type 2. One would think being told that information would be enough to put me on the bandwagon to exercise and good health..nope! The first couple months after Ella died I ate whatever I wanted...I wanted to die..to be with my daughter. Then I got counseling. I was wisely told, to take walks. I did. 3 times a day to clear my head. I noticed the inches coming off but don't think I cared that much..my daughter was still gone from me.

Now, I try to watch my diet. I don't always do well. at all! Its very hard for me to accept I am different. Yes, I'm only 26 but this is the card i've been dealt so I must play it. rough..

I want to practice more Godly attributes, namely the fruits of the spirit in Galatians 5-peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control


Joe is still working 2 jobs and is busy as ever!  He will leave for the military soon. I am NOT looking forward to the time we will be away from each other. Claire is doing wonderfully. We've even started to help her fall asleep in her crib instead of my arms..its a slow process but gives me a chance to work on being gentle and patient! I start classes again monday! I hope they go well. My gpa turned out to be A LOT better than I expected

until next time, thats my life in a nutshell

living with the 'mundane'

I'd venture to say I've been in a rut for quite awhile actually. You may have read about me talking about this rut, I don't remember if I've told you about it or not yet. I knew that before I had children, I would want to be at home with them. Now that I have a child here with me, I am doing what I always thought I'd do-staying home with her. I love her. However, its the same thing day in and day out..as "they" say "the same crap just a different day". I have to remind myself before I had Claire, I wanted this SOO bad and now that I have it, the grass seems greenier on the other side (ie having a job, going places during the day)

Why is it human nature to be this way? Am I the only one to feel this way?

 Since Joe's in the Navy now, I'm sure we will be living in lots of different places around the nation (navy gets mostly coast places.) I talked with an airforce wife today. She told me military does have a lot of stuff to offer for families. Its important to maintain structure for our children. Even though we might be moving around a lot and dad might not be home, I want them to feel some sort of normalcy. If there is someone who is part of a military family who has advice, please give me your imput. 

she turned 2..thats something new

Claire turned 2 years old on Nov. 16th. At first it was a little heartbreaking at the thought of her getting older. Now, since I've had a few days to get used to the idea, I'm really looking forward to getting to watch her grow up. Hopefully the next milestone we make is potty training. Her grandma (my mom) got her some 'big girl underoos' for her birthday and we had already had the potty so now its up to me to start! I say its up to me because it pretty much is, Joe works 2 jobs and honestly has no clue to how potty train a kid, let alone a girl. Truth me told, neither do I. I am going off what other moms have done and what I think would work. She knows when she goes 'poo poo' in her diaper-which could be anything. Sometimes its poo..I think she gets confused. Its cute though. She's started to let me know when she's hungry now. She's started to say "hungy" and "eat"

I am still doing online classes with Liberty and I really like it. I wish I had the drive to do better however. I am still staying home with ms. Claire during the day

Joe has his jobs and should be back today from KC. He went to take his physical and test to enter into the Navy. Scary yet oh so exciting at the thought of it. He told me last night he did well on the test. He did the physical part today and I have yet to hear about that

being a part of that group

I am in the babyloss club. I consider it both fortunate and unfortunate. I remember before Ella even came about to be used by God and I didn't care how He did it. Boy, if I knew then what I know now..but anyway, another mom joined the ranks recently. She was 8 months along. So, naturally (to me anyway) I gave permission to send my email & phone number if she would ever need someone to talk to who "knows". Today is International Babyloss Day. All the babies who died before or shortly after they were born are being especially remembered today. At 7pm (whatever time zone I believe) we are to light a candle in rememberance of our little ones. I probably won't get a chance to do this..well, on time anyway. I watched "October Baby" last night. Great movie. I sobbed. I miss my little girl everyday. Wondering what she would be like now (age 3) is almost too much to bear sometimes. I get this horrible empty pit in my heart! I hate it...I try to think about her praising God in Heaven. Then, I wonder if its all a fairy tale (that there is even a Heaven). I know there is. God is tenderly and patiently working on my faith and trust in Him.

Can I get a witness?

The last 3 weeks, a Jehovah's Witness has been coming to visit me. I'm convinced she's trying to convert me! Well, what else is there purpose..that was a duh statement. I knew our beliefs were different but woo wee! She doesn't believe in the Holy Spirit, doesn't believe that God and Jesus are one, amongst some other things. Now, she asks me my opinion A LOT and I feel so ignorant. I know what I know is true but man, this guys really know there stuff! It seems she is so close to the truth I know but just isn't quite there. If you are curious about how their beliefs differ from Christians check out http://www.jw.org/en. Its some pretty intense stuff I think. I feel like a Moses. I just mean, I feel like "God, what are you doing through me? I'm ill equipped. Why did you send Teresa to my door?" If anyone of you is an expert at debate, I need some tips!!! I'm not good with my words..at least not with her. I don't want to 'cram it down her throat' but I don't want to just let her talk without putting words in of my own.
Can anyone relate?