Its been impressed upon my heart in the last few weeks...that I complain! A LOT!  I can't be happy either way. I guess its human nature, however, that is NOT an excuse. The Bible tells us to do everything without complaining and in another section, tells us to work as if we are working for the Lord (because ulimately we are HIS servants) and not man.

I think I must have a HUGE issue with believing the Word of God is true. Ultimately, its a pride issue. "They say" money is the root of all evil. I'd venture to say that pride is. Think about it..okay, if money is the root of all evil, you get that money from being prideful thinking, "I earned this. I should be able to spend it the way I want to."

We SAY we have a heart for the poor and those who don't have as much as we do, but do we really if we'd rather keep our possessions to ourselves? I'm preaching to the choir here. As you all know, it is tax season, and we will  a refund coming..we want to pay off debts and splurge a little and save the rest. I say, why not send that splurging money to starving kids or pregnancy centers begging young women not to murder their innocent offspring. Putting feet to your faith is super hard in today's world when we are told those who trust in God are weak and stupid..on the contrary, it takes a lot more faith to believe this world is it for us than to trust the true God.

change

Change is rough! Super rough! I've been trying to make some in my life. Although, I admit, i've not been as serious about it as I want to be. For starters, I want to lose weight. You see, I've been overweight since I was a kid. probably about age 10 is when things went south weight wise for me. So, its become a way of life of sorts. I hate it. I hate looking at my body..its gross. During my pregnancy with Ella, I was given the official word..diabetes. When she was born, they waited a couple months and tested me again..sure enough Type 2. One would think being told that information would be enough to put me on the bandwagon to exercise and good health..nope! The first couple months after Ella died I ate whatever I wanted...I wanted to die..to be with my daughter. Then I got counseling. I was wisely told, to take walks. I did. 3 times a day to clear my head. I noticed the inches coming off but don't think I cared that much..my daughter was still gone from me.

Now, I try to watch my diet. I don't always do well. at all! Its very hard for me to accept I am different. Yes, I'm only 26 but this is the card i've been dealt so I must play it. rough..

I want to practice more Godly attributes, namely the fruits of the spirit in Galatians 5-peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control


Joe is still working 2 jobs and is busy as ever!  He will leave for the military soon. I am NOT looking forward to the time we will be away from each other. Claire is doing wonderfully. We've even started to help her fall asleep in her crib instead of my arms..its a slow process but gives me a chance to work on being gentle and patient! I start classes again monday! I hope they go well. My gpa turned out to be A LOT better than I expected

until next time, thats my life in a nutshell

living with the 'mundane'

I'd venture to say I've been in a rut for quite awhile actually. You may have read about me talking about this rut, I don't remember if I've told you about it or not yet. I knew that before I had children, I would want to be at home with them. Now that I have a child here with me, I am doing what I always thought I'd do-staying home with her. I love her. However, its the same thing day in and day out..as "they" say "the same crap just a different day". I have to remind myself before I had Claire, I wanted this SOO bad and now that I have it, the grass seems greenier on the other side (ie having a job, going places during the day)

Why is it human nature to be this way? Am I the only one to feel this way?

 Since Joe's in the Navy now, I'm sure we will be living in lots of different places around the nation (navy gets mostly coast places.) I talked with an airforce wife today. She told me military does have a lot of stuff to offer for families. Its important to maintain structure for our children. Even though we might be moving around a lot and dad might not be home, I want them to feel some sort of normalcy. If there is someone who is part of a military family who has advice, please give me your imput. 

she turned 2..thats something new

Claire turned 2 years old on Nov. 16th. At first it was a little heartbreaking at the thought of her getting older. Now, since I've had a few days to get used to the idea, I'm really looking forward to getting to watch her grow up. Hopefully the next milestone we make is potty training. Her grandma (my mom) got her some 'big girl underoos' for her birthday and we had already had the potty so now its up to me to start! I say its up to me because it pretty much is, Joe works 2 jobs and honestly has no clue to how potty train a kid, let alone a girl. Truth me told, neither do I. I am going off what other moms have done and what I think would work. She knows when she goes 'poo poo' in her diaper-which could be anything. Sometimes its poo..I think she gets confused. Its cute though. She's started to let me know when she's hungry now. She's started to say "hungy" and "eat"

I am still doing online classes with Liberty and I really like it. I wish I had the drive to do better however. I am still staying home with ms. Claire during the day

Joe has his jobs and should be back today from KC. He went to take his physical and test to enter into the Navy. Scary yet oh so exciting at the thought of it. He told me last night he did well on the test. He did the physical part today and I have yet to hear about that

being a part of that group

I am in the babyloss club. I consider it both fortunate and unfortunate. I remember before Ella even came about to be used by God and I didn't care how He did it. Boy, if I knew then what I know now..but anyway, another mom joined the ranks recently. She was 8 months along. So, naturally (to me anyway) I gave permission to send my email & phone number if she would ever need someone to talk to who "knows". Today is International Babyloss Day. All the babies who died before or shortly after they were born are being especially remembered today. At 7pm (whatever time zone I believe) we are to light a candle in rememberance of our little ones. I probably won't get a chance to do this..well, on time anyway. I watched "October Baby" last night. Great movie. I sobbed. I miss my little girl everyday. Wondering what she would be like now (age 3) is almost too much to bear sometimes. I get this horrible empty pit in my heart! I hate it...I try to think about her praising God in Heaven. Then, I wonder if its all a fairy tale (that there is even a Heaven). I know there is. God is tenderly and patiently working on my faith and trust in Him.

Can I get a witness?

The last 3 weeks, a Jehovah's Witness has been coming to visit me. I'm convinced she's trying to convert me! Well, what else is there purpose..that was a duh statement. I knew our beliefs were different but woo wee! She doesn't believe in the Holy Spirit, doesn't believe that God and Jesus are one, amongst some other things. Now, she asks me my opinion A LOT and I feel so ignorant. I know what I know is true but man, this guys really know there stuff! It seems she is so close to the truth I know but just isn't quite there. If you are curious about how their beliefs differ from Christians check out http://www.jw.org/en. Its some pretty intense stuff I think. I feel like a Moses. I just mean, I feel like "God, what are you doing through me? I'm ill equipped. Why did you send Teresa to my door?" If anyone of you is an expert at debate, I need some tips!!! I'm not good with my words..at least not with her. I don't want to 'cram it down her throat' but I don't want to just let her talk without putting words in of my own.
Can anyone relate?

the comparison game

I play this game..a lot! I compare myself to other mothers, and wives specificially. Nobody told me the work of a SAHM (stay at home mom) isn't roses and peaches all the time. I love LOVE my daughter but its not always easy being at home day in and day out. I know it isn't healthy to compare myself to others..I don't know why I do it. Other than "sin is fun" I have no answer for you.

I've began there are other ways we are called to be stewards other than with our money. I stink at being a good steward of my time! Neither my husband or little girl starve, go without clothes or anything like that. I guess typing all this out has led me to remember..there I go again, comparing myself. I don't know how to break this nasty habit. I realize what God has called me to do looks different than what He's called you to do. I still think "God, what else should I be doing besides being a mommy?"I've come up empty.  I don't want to be a Jonah, running the FARTHEST away from my calling that I can get. Now, I don't know if this is what I wanna "hear"  (stay at home with Claire and nothing else) or i'm just not  listening to Him very clearly. Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing His voice with my own. WOW! THAT sounded egotistical didn't it? I totally didn't mean it that way. I probably should have said I have a hard time knowing when God is speaking to me. I've came up with a couple ideas..such as call/meet with the local hospital, tell them what i've been through with Ella. If anyone going through losing a child needs someone, giving them my contact info and just being there for mothers especially. I've thought of going door to door just chatting it up with people or just taking walks and hoping to find a "God moment." I am pursuing a counseling degree to try to help people on a professional level but I want it and I want it NOW!
patience Ashley patience!

I've started a book study with a group of lovely girls over the book "7". The author is talking about getting rid of excess in our lives..I think I'm gonna enjoy this..in the end. Right now, the truth is hard to hear..even though I need to but I'm excited.