I turned...

26 this past Tuesday! I am trying to have a better outlook about getting older but honestly, is a tad depressing...
anywho, I didn't do much out of the norm that day..the only 'abnormal' thing is Lacey came over to talk for a little while..well, I talked and she listened..it seems like whenever I get adult interacting I drink it in as fast as I can.Things are going pretty well around here..Claire is doing new things ALL the time and she just loves to flash her smile..after all, she did work hard for those teeth she has..lots of pain and keeping momma awake :)

It seems like I have don't have time to myself a lot..and when I do, I always try to hurry what I'm doing..be it, take a bath, do Bible study,etc to be with Claire again..I know, I just need to slow down. I need to let Joe spend some quality time with her..whenever I hear him getting annoyed because she's being ornery and just won't stop, I feel like I need to rush in and save the day..I know that I know, I need to let him do it..I just need some encouragement to do such a thing I guess..
it's 7:10 in the morning..I've been up since about 6:15 and I think Claire will sleep till about 8:30..giving me I hope a couple hours of "me time". I don't ever wake up early to have time for "me time" as maybe I should. I might feel a little less guilty about having no time for God and maybe not feel as burnt out..don't you love it when you have epihanies (sp) when your writing?!?!

super nice weather for January...

We're thinking of taking Claire to the park when she wakes up from her nap! I'm hoping she wakes up soon. I get cabin fever pretty easily. So, last Thursday, Joe quit his job at New China. Over Christmas break he was OFFERED another job! It's an early morning donut delivery job. He has to go to bed earlier...than he normally would anyway but he says he'd rather work in the morning than at night. I would have to agree, when he's gone in the morning Claire and I are sleeping most of that time so its sort of like he's not even gone..except when I roll over and realize he's not there (which, I think its always going to make me a little sad) Its a huge blessing to be able to spend our nights togther. "Saying" it out loud sounds so silly but Claire seems to really enjoy the times where she can just sit on the couch between mom and dad  while she eats her crackers.

so, its been a really long time

I've thought about blogging several times in the past few weeks. I just haven't..clearly. Well, today we went to the Air Force base so Joe got get a pass to get on base for his job! Thats right, he's got a second job! Crazy fella. Its a delivery job for the donut cafe here in town. We planned to go to Illinois last weekend but we had..issues yet again. Our car needed 1400 worth of repair. The guy at the shop said it wasn't worth fixing really. We decided to trash it..well, sell it then they trashed it I think and get a new one. It was a blessing that happened at just the right time I thought. Joe talked to someone one night who had been trying to sell his car. It's a 2001 ford explorer...very nice car! I like it a lot better than our other one. It's much easier with a one year old as well. We plan to go home very soon to celebrate Christmas. Claire has started waving her hand 'hi' and 'bye' the past few weeks..she's too adorable!

Instead of looking at this world, I'm tryin to look to Jesus for hope. I have been wavering in my faith for the past 7 or 8 months I'd say..I really struggle with "could all this be true?" "did God do all that stuff the Bible says? Am I just wishfully thinking..man, I don't want to be fooled like all the other people who believe are being fooled..

I know satan tries all he can to get people to turn towards him and not the author and finisher of our faith. I've really been struggling and if you have any help you could offer whatsoever, please let me know

Claire, anxiety and more!

first, lets start with Claire! She's doing wonderfully! She's a very happy baby 85% of the time. We are just starting being adament about crib training...I know..I know..I coddled her too much. It all goes back to Ella. I know I can't make sense of it to anyone who hasn't lost a child. On another hand, not only did it come down to her being next to me as sort of a pacifier to me..but it was easier not to have to get up several times a night. Now, that I'm trying to keep her in her crib I'm up AT LEAST five times a night.

Anxiety, its getting better..I'm trying to change the way I think. I am attempting to have a more positive in attitude. Actually doing it is very hard.

I know I have ben very wishy washy about my relationship with God. I realize now that I am relying too much on on feelings...I don't FEEL Him here with me sometimes..it doesn't mean He's not though. I have been feeling..that word again right? That I want to be close to God, I just am afraid to be taken for a fool with something thats not real..but then again..how could He not be real?!?! I think general revelation (trees, etc) are an example of God's power. anyone ever FEEL like this?

there is hope...

and I am trying to hold onto that fact. I have been missing Ella. It doesn't help that it's getting colder outside and thats typically the time that most people are prone to depression. I'm not depressed..I know I have a lot of good things going for me. I am married to a good guy, I have 2 girls (one of which went from my belly into heaven. I already have one foot in heaven) we have been blessed enough to have our other girl turn one year old recently. I am so happy that we had such a great support system during my pregnancy. I was just reading another BLM's (baby loss mom) blog. In it, she was talking about how she had to make a choice. She had to choose whether or not to love the baby she currently carries within her womb. I COULD TOTALLY RELATE!!! We lost Ella late in the 'game' so when Claire was coming along I sort of found myself at a loss. I didn't know if I should just try my hardest not to get attached or should I love her with all that I have in me? It took me a few times of going back and forth to decide that even though we lost one baby, I shouldn't make the new baby 'pay' for my broken heart. I'm so glad I did love Claire like I did while she was in my belly. Even late into the pregnancy I was saying 'if we take her home' I knew very well what could happen.When Ella died, I had this..complex I guess you'd call it about if Ella knew I loved her. I still sometimes wonder. I did want my baby girl. I did! It tears me up when I think of women (or teen girls) killing their children or literally throwing them in the trash or flushing them down the toilet like they are waste.
During my pregnancy with Ella, I really do think something was preparing me for what was going to come. Call it mother's intuition or the Holy Spirit (or maybe both) but I literally would say 'take her if you want God, she's yours not mine. I don't care. do what you have to.' I look back on that now and think "how ignorant was I of the pain I would later be in?" I feel guilty and responsible for my child's death...

YAY! YOUR ONE!

Claire the bear turned one today! It was a blessed day. We got up, went to Bible study, had a playdate, came home for a couple hours and went to paint.  She got a couple gifts from a couple ladies that attend the Bible study with me! One woman made cupcakes in honor of Claire's birthday. Nadine, Claire and I went to the pottery place here in town and painted on a plate. Claire's little footprint is on it. It's going to be cute, er, at least I hope. I'm not very artistic so I hope it turns out alright.There's so much pressure to make everything okay for her, even if it is just a plate..I know that sounds super dumb.

We went to Illinois this past weekend to have an early birthday party for Claire with my family. She adored all the attention she was given. She got lots of gifts. She was adorable with her little petite cake she got. She started clapping and got the cake all over the floor and herself and her daddy.

Since I clearly knew Claire's birthday was soon, I've been thinking about the fact that we should have been able to celebrate Ella's first birthday with her. Sometimes, I feel like your sitting there reading this (those of you who do) thinking 'just leave well enough alone! the past is the past!' but I assure you, I cannot. Even though I do have her little sister to feel the empty 'baby hole', I still ache for my firstborn. I still think about the fact that our family will never be complete, we are a family of 3 instead of 4.

I had someone send me a message of facebook telling me its time to change my profile picture to Claire. Right now, its a picture of Ella. Now, this person might not have meant it the way I took it but I took it as 'we're tired of looking at your dead baby' It hurts! I hope I'm reading too much into it.I just want to be validated that she did matter..she does matter.. I will never get over her..

cars..who needs em...

All they are is trouble! Yesterday we put our car in the shop..again..well, I don't mean it to sound like the car is always there but over the past..9 months I'd say we have spent around the department of $2,000 getting it fixes and the sad part is..once it is 'fixed' it won't truly be fixed..there are other things wrong that need fixed. We had made plans to celebrate Claire's birthday with my family. Her real birthday isn't until next Wednesday but I we were going to have a small get together with some of my family. Clearly, her birthday means more to me than it does to Claire. It's really an honor to be able to celebrate her first year of living! (outside my womb obviously)  I'm not trying to discount her pregnancy as her not living. nevermind. The fact that we didn't get to celebrate Ella's birthday with her here with us makes it extra disheartening about this car situation..

anyone giving away any cars that would suit a family of 3?