there is hope...

and I am trying to hold onto that fact. I have been missing Ella. It doesn't help that it's getting colder outside and thats typically the time that most people are prone to depression. I'm not depressed..I know I have a lot of good things going for me. I am married to a good guy, I have 2 girls (one of which went from my belly into heaven. I already have one foot in heaven) we have been blessed enough to have our other girl turn one year old recently. I am so happy that we had such a great support system during my pregnancy. I was just reading another BLM's (baby loss mom) blog. In it, she was talking about how she had to make a choice. She had to choose whether or not to love the baby she currently carries within her womb. I COULD TOTALLY RELATE!!! We lost Ella late in the 'game' so when Claire was coming along I sort of found myself at a loss. I didn't know if I should just try my hardest not to get attached or should I love her with all that I have in me? It took me a few times of going back and forth to decide that even though we lost one baby, I shouldn't make the new baby 'pay' for my broken heart. I'm so glad I did love Claire like I did while she was in my belly. Even late into the pregnancy I was saying 'if we take her home' I knew very well what could happen.When Ella died, I had this..complex I guess you'd call it about if Ella knew I loved her. I still sometimes wonder. I did want my baby girl. I did! It tears me up when I think of women (or teen girls) killing their children or literally throwing them in the trash or flushing them down the toilet like they are waste.
During my pregnancy with Ella, I really do think something was preparing me for what was going to come. Call it mother's intuition or the Holy Spirit (or maybe both) but I literally would say 'take her if you want God, she's yours not mine. I don't care. do what you have to.' I look back on that now and think "how ignorant was I of the pain I would later be in?" I feel guilty and responsible for my child's death...